thenearshore | I dreamed I was dying [closed]

Entry tags:

I dreamed I was dying [closed]

Who: Kainé and Sharak Sanzo.
What: No Boys Allowed camping trip.
Where: Aditi's temple, and then nebulous camping spot.
Why: Kainé gets back a memory and the pair take a vacation to deal.
When: June 14.
Warnings: Language, talk of discrimination/bullying, suicidal ideation.

[Fuck. She's staring at a goddamn rooster and crying. It was hard not to, when she'd suddenly been struck with the thought of a weathervane spinning its bird-shaped head wildly with the breeze.

If the beak turns east, I go home. If it stays west, then I... I...

Kainé pushes herself to her feet, hastily wiping the trail that had already made its way to her chin, and then makes a silent retreat to the room they had set aside for her instead of the wide, open area of the temple she slept in. These kinds of feelings weren't necessarily what she'd had in mind when she made the request for somewhere private -- she hadn't known something like this was even possible then -- but like hell she wanted to deal with Sharak or Goten finding her first thing while she's still processing it.

East? ...Really?

She could hardly believe it now any more than she had back then, but she was stubborn that way. And now at least she could pinpoint where her stubbornness had come from.

Go home? Yeah, that's a funny joke for someone with dead parents and no home to go to.

...Well, she'd found a home. And she had a home now, too. She looks down, a little surprised to find a cigarette lit between her fingers, the smoke coiling around her, but it's with a small laugh that she accepts it. Of course she'd done something foolish like that to calm herself down. Of course the harshness of it was comforting, just as that old woman -- Grandma, she'd been her grandmother -- chastising her for being stupid had been.. When had it become so entwined with all that cozy shit like safety, home, and...?

Mmn. It probably didn't matter. What mattered was that the feeling was there, and real. That the memory was there, and real. Now that her eyes were dry and she could think enough to bring her hand away from her head where the memory of a wound had tried to convince her of pain, Kainé could take a breath. In. Out. In...]

...Hey Aditi, [she murmurs on the next exhale, relying on that bond rather than her voice, even if she's pleased to find it comes out as solid even as soft as it is. She rolls the cigarette between her fingertips and pushes aside the curtain that served as the feeble door. There was something more there than just the promise she'd made to tell Sharak if this ever happened, now. What a pain.] Your Hanaki needs you.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[It isn't grief that grips Sharak with no warning, not exactly. Part of it must be, she thinks calmly as she carefully compartmentalizes the foreign feelings apart from her own. But not just that. Whatever it is, it's something powerful and Sharak only has one shinki to credit for it now.

She doesn't run off after her immediately. There's no sting of blight and Kainé is safe within the temple barrier, so it can't be urgent. Instead Sharak finishes making her cup of tea in the kitchen, the only alteration to her behaviour that she makes a second cup alongside it. A few minutes and she's walking through the temple, towards Kainé's private area, only to stop mid-way down the hall as the curtain opens before she even gets there.]

... That's convenient. [She steps neatly inside.] I accidentally made too much tea.

You couldn't "accidentally" anything to save your life.

[She gives Sharak a tired smile. Allowing the joke is still a little weird, especially since it lacks her usual bite, but things were easier with Sharak around, including feeling like a person who can make jokes instead of a scared little girl being convinced she doesn't deserve to call herself human. And someone who feels like a person can drink a cup of tea. The steam isn't quite as nice as the smoke from the cigarette, but it still causes a warmth in her chest.]

...Good that you were...close. I guess. I, uh. Remembered something. Like you said I might.

[The cigarette in Kainé's hand gets a look from Sharak as she sits down and places the cups on a flat surface. One for Kainé, one for her. Probably better for her health.]

You make me sound like a schemer.

[She is so innocent and honest? Rude. She pauses in making herself comfortable when Kainé mentions the memory. Just over a month exposed to Kouten's power... It doesn't match Genjo's experience with Maten. ]

Any idea what might have triggered it?

[She just grunts in reply at first, joining her god in sitting and squishing the end of the cigarette against her saucer to put it out.]

I'll be honest, I don't really fucking care what did it. But I must've been younger than Goten, back then. Hell, maybe having him around did it.

[She's quiet again, but a hint of a smile curls at one corner of her mouth. Contrasting her peaceful expression, after a sip of tea she continues,] They used to throw rocks at me, when I was that little. The other kids.

[Kainé may not care, but Sharak does. The spells around the shinki are all interlinked and therefor interesting. She mentally notes down the Goten idea, which she supposes has some merit. Not very consistent though, in that case.]

... You should have thrown them back. [She's not surprised. Kainé's whole attitude points towards that kind of backstory. Sharak watches Kainé carefully, taking in the contrast of her expression and her words.] For some brats, it's the only way they learn.

[Tell her about it. Kainé won't shock her. She's here to listen.]

[That gets her to snicker.]

Yeah... Yeah, she would've liked you.

[Maybe in an ideal future, she'll come here and -- and she won't remember Kainé, but Kainé can still introduce her to Sharak properly, and they can be happy. Safe. A family.]

I was sure I deserved it. None of their parents stopped 'em, or anything -- none of them liked me much, either, I don't think. I had nothing. [...Huh. When was it that she grew to trust Sharak this much?] I was nothing. It's pretty much a goddamn miracle it took me this long to come here.

[Goten could have had another friend his age. Wouldn't that have been nice? It is kind of horrifying, in the back of her mind, to wonder about what it was that got that tiny wild child to die. At least she could be almost positive it wasn't anything like what the little memory-girl had been considering.]

Don't think I would have made it without her. Grandma had the same idea as you -- show 'em how it hurts like hell.

For someone who hasn't ever heard of Buddhism, you apparently achieved Sunyata younger than most. [A little girl and already so empty of all things that there was nothing there at all. Kainé might not have the education necessary to appreciate this sass.] Impressive.

More often than not, adults are stupider than their children. I wouldn't take their feelings as proof of anything. [Certainly not that a young Kainé had deserved to have rocks thrown at her.] Your grandmother sounds like the better one to listen to.

[The old hag, huh... Not hard to connect the dots there.]

[Propping her elbows up on her knees, she pauses to take a long draft of her tea.]

A whole village tells you something, it's hard not to believe them. You and Grandma are the real fuckin' weird ones. [Kaine sets the cup back down and glances up through her slanted bangs. Her weird-ass god accepting a weird-ass freak like her without question.

You... You think I'm pretty?

...

...No, this is really not the time for that particular part of the memory to resurface. She clears her throat.]

We left the village, after that. Must be why I feel so at home when I'm not in a building.

It's hard, but you still shouldn't. Knowing whose opinions of you matter is an important part of growing up.

[Life lesson of the day, as Sharak picks up her own cup of tea and swirls it around in front of her idly. She's not looking back at Kainé as she speaks anymore.]

Weird old hag she might have been- [Sharak, don't shittalk someone's grandmother right in front of them. Even if it is Kainé.] but she clearly had her head on straight concerning somethings. That village sounds like a shitty place to bring up a child, if the other kids think it's a fun game to throw rocks at people.

[A place lacking in a strong, moral foundation for sure.]

[She grunts a vague agreement. She still might feel like a fucked up mutant others would be better off without sometimes, but now if she came across anyone else who was having that kind of talk thrown their way, especially some helpless little kid? That person would be shitting out their own arms after she punched them down their throat.]

Just some people. I told Grandma bad things happened around me, and they all knew I was a -- different. I wasn't an eyesore or anything, I was a curse. Not that you're wrong.

[It's incredibly what we tolerate for ourselves, but won't for others.]

Bad things happen around everyone; life is full of bullshit that isn't fair and tries to break you. [Sharak is a Good Priest. She looks up at Kainé again to examine her.]

... Whatever you were, she thought you were worth something.

[Her finger circles the rim of her cup, light and gentle.]

Yeah. Good to know you're not the only one.

[Because forget Natsuru and Goten and Jae-Ha, and anyone else that might have a positive impression of her, you can't stop this lack of self-worth. "Was" a curse, whatever you "were"... It's almost a joke. More often than she'd like, she's still that little girl that just wanted to stop existing.]

I know you just wanted to know when it happened, not what it was -- for whatever the hell reason -- but you met her, in a way. I wanted you to know what kind of person she was, just a little.

[She's never been the only one... Kainé, she could slap you.]

I want to know when and how these things happen, for a few different reasons. Your safety, for one, but the way the spells around shinki are being affected could be indicative of something else. [ It might be connected to how they're being brought here, to the ones vanishing, or to the people responsible for everything. It's business.] ... Wanting to know what happened to you and about the people who are important to you is a more personal matter.

[And therefor less important, because Sharak Sanzo isn't really a person. Not like that. Still, she has those feelings no matter what she does.]

... If you want to tell me about her, I'll listen.

Edited 2017-02-11 16:00 (UTC)

[lmao why would anyone want to be concerned about her safety, 1. she's garbage and 2. she's a badass with an axe. Kainé perks up a little because Grandma!!!]

The biggest of them -- Dimo, I guess -- was crying about how she could've taken his head off with the rock. Know what she said? [She smirks some, fond gaze going to her tea. Even just the thought of Dimo's tears warmed her heart.] "Death is the best cure for stupid". She didn't give a shit.

[She was wonderful and wanted to protect Kainé and Kainé loves her.]

Oh, and this flower? It's called a lunar tear. She gave me a whole crown of them. Said they suited a pretty girl like me.

[And judging by the minute change in expression, that part hits her just a little harder than the actual rescue. That had mostly been a shock -- and a cranky old bat having a good time. The rest had been more personal than jubilant.]

[Look, that's Sharak's general approach to life and somehow she got an entire army dedicated to her protection. People are weird.]

Certainly the most efficient. [Yeah, just kill a kid for being stupid, that sounds about right. She's pretty sure she would have given the brat a kick as well. It gets a smirk from Sharak too.

Her eyes flick over to Kainé's flower, reminded of when she'd touched it and picked the shinki's name.] ... I suppose it does.

[A delicate flower.]

[Kainé closes her eyes a moment. Ah, she's agreeing she's a pretty girl. That's really nice.]

...I feel better, mostly. [Like, aside from all that aughhh I want to diiie being put into the context of a lifelong condition.] But I'm still...tired. Of all of this. I think --

[She casts her gaze around after propping her chin on her palm. The temple wasn't so bad, all things considered, but the place she hadn't been able to call home all those years ago had been open as well, bridges and platforms connecting two sides of a vast canyon.]

I'd like to get away from walls for a while.

[She doesn't know what Kainé is thinking right now, but there's something they have to set straight right away.]

If we knock down any more walls, we're going to lose what ceiling we have.

[The structural integrity of this temple is Dubious, okay?]

Not in the temple, asshole.

[LIKE, CHRIST SHARAK???? She knows that's a bad idea.]

I mean away. Camping, or some shit. I don't know. No buildings. [No people that might have been cruel to a little girl that hated herself.]

[Oh. That's much more reasonable.]

Camping? For fun? [Well, it can be enjoyable, she's just used to it as more of a survival experience... She can give it a try.] ... We could go somewhere. I might know a few places.

[In the Tibetan mountains. Perfectly safe.]

[What the hell is wrong with this woman, asking like hobbies are completely mind-boggling... And she wanted Kainé to go out, make friends, be alive.

-- ah?]

You...would actually want to come with me?

[Her tone suggests she isn't opposed to this at all, but still. The mind boggles.]

[Look... She's a mess, don't be like her.]

I thought that was what you meant. [She definitely isn't letting her shinki vanish to the Near Shore for over twenty-four hours unaccompanied.] Goten can stay the night with one of his other friends.

[Everyone loves Goten.]

[It's just so weird... Friendship??? What is that?]

Huh.

[It is true that everyone loves Goten... And she does feel a bit rotten, hecking off so soon after the poor boy had lost his second god in quick succession, but man does she need an escape right now. If Sharak wants to come with her...]

Doesn't sound like a pain in the ass. Hell, maybe it'll be even better, since you remind me of her.

[A mystery. Anyway, Goten is the strongest and most emotionally stable person living at this temple, including the chickens. He's fine. ]

Careful, I'm not that old yet. [She's middle-aged, not elderly! Sharak steals the cigarette Kainé put aside earlier and works on relighting it.] You're the one with grey hairs.

Edited 2017-02-13 21:54 (UTC)

[honestly]

You act that old. [Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, smoking, slapping her upside the head...] And it not like I'm fucking going grey, all right? However old you are, I'm definitely way younger.

[Wow, smoking makes her young and hip?? When did smoking stop being cool?]

I'm thirty-four, but I'm young at heart. [Okay, that makes her sound old.] Well, if I'm too old for you, maybe I should stay here. It might be a little weird for an old woman like me to hang out in the woods with a kid like you.

Not a damn kid.

[She props the squished cigarette up like a paper football, then after some careful lining up she flicks it in the direction of Sharak's tea. Because that's definitely not something a kid would do.]

Thirty-four's younger than I thought. You could use the vacation, if you've got a stick shoved so far up your ass at thirty-four. Put the stick out where it belongs, in nature.

[It's okay, she's done with the tea, she has a cigarette now.]

Thirty-four is too old for you to be so focused on my ass. [She's a priest, Kainé! Show some respect!] I said I'd go, didn't I?

[She splutters a laugh at the admonishment, too surprised by it to focus on the weird twinge in her gut that, should she pay it any mind, would be very dedicated to complex feelings about Sharak's ass right this second. Most of those complex feelings had to do with panic in some way, but. Other stuff, too.

Good thing she's just surprised.]

And tried to back that ass of yours out immediately. [But she's more animated now than she was before, the sass even dropping from her tone some.] Where did you have in mind? You said you knew some places?

[Sharak is completely unfazed because, unfortunately for everyone around her, she is terrible at telling when she's flirting with someone. Whoops.]

Years ago I spent some time traveling around the mountains out west. ["West" like it's such a specific description.] We ended up camping a lot between villages. It's rough enough to be a challenge but it's doable for two people, especially if we don't go too high up.

[... Hassan has been following Sharak around into trouble for a long time.]

["We"...]

Adventures of Tightass and Whaleboner, huh? [Well, she's not surprised. Sharak told her she reminded her of the dude already.] Yeah, I could be up for that.

[Especially that "don't go too high up" part. Yeesh, the Aerie was...a thing.]

[Hey, she has lots of friends! That "we" could be anyone! It could even be more than just her and- okay, yeah, it was just her and Hassan.] I didn't even mention him.

[A little annoyed that she's so obvious. Well, whatever. Sharak starts to stand up.] Fine, we'll go. You might want to wear pants for this.

[Who else was going to be with Sharak "No Friends" Sanzo in the middle of nowhere?]

When have I ever wanted to wear pants while you've known me? [Hnngh, but she probably should have listened last time Sharak gave her fashion advice.] What for? Maybe I can find something I already have that works out.

[Like, is this gonna be scratchy, or cold, or buggy...]

[She has friends! So many friends! She doesn't know why either but they still exist!]

It could get cold in the evening, but it is summer so something that breathes would be best. You'll also be off road, so bugs and stinging plants should be a concern. And we're doing this properly if we're doing it at all, so be ready to walk a lot.

[All three, Kainé. Sharak looks irritated, but in a way that somehow implies she's enjoying the journey ahead of them...]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

I dreamed I was dying [closed]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject