thenearshore | -Overflow- for 24

[Shun's fist clenches, pulling forward a little.] This isn't asking for help. It's asking for an end to it. And just because those things happen doesn't mean you don't put in an effort to stop it. There was a time I would've thrown anyone just for touching me unannounced. So don't act like nothing can be done.

[Because however much Fubuki is saying he's trying, this is as good as defeatist talk to Shun. Which is as good as giving up.] Do you think you're the only person who has another part of them surface when they want to survive? Or when they want to protect something? Don't be naive. But if you're going to sit here and say you haven't given up when you've been wallowing in useless "what ifs" and conjecture instead of making any progress, maybe you should try actually asking me for help instead of whatever the hell you're trying to do here. Because all this is telling me is that you think all I can do for you is kill you when you fail.

[He's still clearly angry and biting into most of his worlds, but he's trying to get across exactly why he's so pissed off at this point. Fubuki doesn't seem to be understanding the way this sounds and looks to him.]

[His grip tightens further, his fingers digging into Shun's arm.]

Then...tell me...what do you think you can do when the only option I have is to not think about it?

[If that's the only thing he can do, then he's failed, many times over. If he ever thinks of something he shouldn't—if he can't prevent his emotions from spilling over—]

[Numbness can only last so long.] That’s not something any of us can change. I can't...erase my memory.

I don't want to be k—to be...killed. And I don't want you to do it. To have to be the one to do it. But I—

[The possibility has been looming since...ever. It hangs over all shinki. But especially someone who can't—]

But if it ever comes to that, I have to be stopped. That's not pointless. That's not...wallowing, Shun. ...If it sounded like conjecture...it's because I needed to know what you'd do.

It's just...a worst-case scenario. ...I promise.

Find things that can alleviate it when you do, or help you learn to control your emotions better. The only options aren't being completely numb and wearing your heart on your sleeve. [Which seems to be how Fubuki is seeing it if he's this worried about his emotions coming to bite him if he thinks about things too hard.] There's a natural aversion shinki have to their past. It's not something to rely on, but you're not going to bypass something that deep-seated just by wondering.

[The only times he's ever heard of shinki turned like that, it's because someone deliberately told them about their past to their face. Which isn't a risk with Fubuki anymore, now that Johan is gone. If even people like Eric can live with so many people from their world around them dropping hints, Fubuki can manage.

He's still not getting it, though, and Shun drags him forward a little more.] I'm not going to keep repeating myself. You're sitting here claiming you need help, and that you're asking for help. And you still haven't actually asked for help. Asking me to kill you isn't asking for help. And you've just turned yourself around and decided that nobody else can help you anyway. So how about you make up your damn mind which one it is, because you're still not convincing me you haven't given up already.

[Slowly, Fubuki descends into laughter despite himself, turning his face away. An offer to help control his emotions better...Fubuki's made that suggestion to Shun, once, when they were talking about Shun's anger, and Shun had dismissed it out of hand because, as he put it, there was nothing Fubuki could do to help with that.]

You punch ayakashi when you're upset, Shun...don't make offers you can't follow through on. [Getting violent to blow off steam isn't an option for Fubuki when fear of that violent part of himself is what's causing at least one of Fubuki's problems.]

All I needed was your assurance. That was all I was asking for.

[He...may not have been a good person. He condones murder. He's condoned murder to someone who's considered doing it. That was when he was tired and his inhibitions were down. But that's not something that Shun, who Fubuki knows by know doesn't even care about that, can help him with. If the parts of himself that he's afraid of are things that other people scoff at, that's not something other people can help him with. That's just who he is. Crossing the lines, putting himself at risk of turning into an ayakashi, intentionally or not, aware that he's doing it or not...what can anyone do when his emotions are making it feel like the end of the world. When even his own memories of a dead person won't give him a reprieve when said memories are the issue.]

Do you know what that aversion feels like, Shun? Things that can be overcome. It's dread, and panic, and fear, and guilt. You...you're a god. You can feel the guilt, and you can tell where I am, and you can teleport. But first you have to find four shinki. At least one of them has to know how to do an ablution. How long do you think that would take? ...How many people can you teleport at once? ...How many...people...do I have to fail to save...

[...Turning into an ayakashi was never the actual problem. He just needed to know a safeguard existed. A lifeline. ...But ultimately, it was a distraction.]

It's a lot easier to help someone else than it is to help yourself. Which you obviously know, considering how much you like to distract yourself with other people's problems. [Shun's not taking that particular brush-off, because as far as he's concerned, it's not relevant. Just because something doesn't work for him doesn't mean it won't work for someone else. But if he's not going to try at all, then suggesting anything in the first place would be pointless anyway.]

I know exactly what it feels like. If a god speaks to someone they knew in life, like I did Yuto, we feel it just the same if we get too close to something that would touch their past. [But Fubuki's getting into conjectures again, and so Shun's answer to that is particularly firm.] It's three for an ablution, not four. And trust me, I made sure I know ones familiar with ablution for if it comes down to that. I have enough that would come if I called on them.

But if failing to save others is your real problem here, that is something you can act on. And it's not something you can sit there and claim I don't understand or can't help you with. If you keep looking back instead of ahead, you're not going to be able to save the people important to you now either.

[...Shun was already prepared for this.]

[He slowly releases his grip.] Let go of me.

[He takes a ragged breath, he goes limp as all the energy drains out of him, leaving him wrung out.]

...You know how impossible it is to leave something behind. I can't do that...right now. [It's all too raw at the moment.]

You said you would do it. You're prepared...for an ablution. That's all I needed to know.

[He rubs at his eyes.] If you'll help me, then please...pick some flowers...leave it by the memorial. I'll do it myself later, too... [But he just can't right now.]

[Shun doesn't actually let go when asked, but when Fubuki deflates, it feels a little pointless to still try and be dragging him around. With a faint hiss, he releases his collar and straightens up. His anger hasn't evaporated, but at least it sounds like Fubuki might be making more of an effort once he gets over the immediate aftermath of this memory.

He is at least a little calmer by the time he speaks, though.] You don't have to leave it behind. But you need to be able to turn away from it to start moving on.

[As has been Shun's problem. As still is his problem, since it's only since the moon viewing that he's really been thinking about it. Is it more selfish to move on, or more selfish not to?

He's still not sure of the answer himself. He turns away, picking up his cup as he starts to head back towards the kitchen.]

I'm going on patrol. Call me if you need me.

[If Fubuki checks the memorial lantern later, he'll find several stems of an odd flower. If there's one thing Shun tends to remember about a person outside of combat specs, it's hair and eye colour for easy identification.

Teal and green, in this case.]

Edited 2018-01-30 07:55 (UTC)

[...Probably...not a good time to tell Shun that the numbness is settling over him again. But numbness he can deal with. Numbness is a good thing to hang onto when there's something he needs to ask that he's been afraid to, before.]

...Shun. You said something—that the murderer felt his god leave. How do you know that?

[How did he know that that was the murderer, and why was he there observing him.]

[Shun pauses in the doorway at that, and it takes him a moment before he turns to face Fubuki. He doesn't look ashamed in any way, but he has a feeling Fubuki isn't going to like what he's about to hear.

He keeps his voice level, at least. There's no outrage, no lust for revenge. Just the tone of someone who did something that needed to be done.]

Like I told you, we were interrogating him. Me and a few others who banded together to find and capture him. Someone asked to handle the interrogation himself, so the rest of us were in the next room in case he needed backup, and the guy with supernatural hearing heard something and rushed in. I went after him, and the murderer was covered in blight, halfway to turning into an ayakashi and ranting about how we'd "killed her".

[That's technically all he needs to say, but...he should probably give Fubuki the closure of admitting to the rest of it as well.] The other two were shinki, so they weren't prepared to touch him in that state. So I killed him myself. I was the only one in the group who could.

[Ken, Chikusa and Lavi would've risked far too much, as shinki, going near him in that state, and Izuku wouldn't have killed him even if it was down to the wire like that.]

[...Good, he thinks, and the thought doesn’t even surprise him. No, more than that...he wouldn’t have asked if he hadn’t suspected. A tightening of his fingers is all the reaction he shows.]

[Then he rouses himself, and looks up.] That...can't have been easy to tell, right...?

[He rubs his eyes.] ...Sorry.

[Other two were shinki...so he went with shinki. Shinki who Shun must have judged knew that threats didn't solely come from ayakashi. It's not like Fubuki didn't hear about a murderer while it was happening. He just...]

Even if you don't bring me along...tell me next time. Please.

[Shun shrugs a little, though his gaze also slips slightly. He definitely doesn't regret killing the guy, but he wishes, at least, the last victim could have been saved instead of having to die to reveal the murderer's trail.]

Remembering loss isn't something I'm unused to. [That doesn't make it any more enjoyable, but it means he's...ready, at least, to have to do it again.

He looks up again once Fubuki makes that request, though.] The only reason I didn't tell you last time was because I thought you'd try going after him yourself if you found out about Johan. So that shouldn't be a problem again.

[He had told Reisi, after all, once he brought it up, so it's not like he hid it from all of them.]

[...Shun could justify making that argument for whoever he wants; it’s not like Shun knows who all of Fubuki’s friends are. He shouldn't...trust that claim. Someone can mean it sincerely, but things can change. But if he was just going to doubt whatever Shun was going to say, then there would have been no point in saying it.]

...Alright.

[On top of which, it wasn't...loss that he figures might have been hard to talk about.]

Don't get too used to killing people...

[Johan had been a particularly odd case, so Shun had made that decision in this instance, but in future, it might not be the best idea. Then again, hopefully nothing like that is going to happen again.

He's not optimistic enough to actually think that, though.

Shun only glances back briefly at that last remark before turning away.] It was too late for that the moment I went to war.

[It's not quite the same, doing it this way, but none of the dimensions have found any way to bring someone sealed into a card back either. The intent and result there, to him, is the same thing as killing.]

[Too late… That’s right. There are things that are too late.]

[...It feels like he should have a rejoinder for that, but it's not coming to him.]

...Tell me when you’re about to. [“I’ll stop you” is the follow-up he’s used with someone else. But considering his own reaction just now to the news of Shun’s killing, Fubuki can’t actually say that.]

[It's an odd request, and Shun considers pointing out that killing generally isn't something that's planned in advance - if someone tried to kill him, he'd have to do it on the spot. But that's something that would probably need to be raised if it happened anyway, so he just shrugs a little as he starts to head out.]

If you really want to know. [Hopefully it doesn't happen again anytime soon, but with the kinds of people they get in this place sometimes, he can't be sure.]

I do. [He doesn’t want to know those kinds of things, but he feels like he has to.]

[He rubs at his eyes.] Take someone with you... [It’s just a patrol, sure. But things have...changed.]

[Shun doesn't pause at that, though he does grimace slightly out of sight. He wasn't planning to take anyone, but with Fubuki in this kind of mood, he figures he shouldn't give him anything extra to worry about.]

I'll ask Kotori. [She usually wakes up around this kind of time anyway, so it shouldn't be too much trouble.]

-Overflow- for 24 - Autumn Reception

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