If he's going to trust that his memories are real, then he has to believe that the possessed bodies he's heard about really had everyone's ghosts in them, too. That really was Kanan, the woman Hakkai murdered a thousand people to save.
God. How did he bear it? ]
You don't show it. [I can't stand myself. Fuck, they really are a pair, aren't they? ] I don't get to listen in on your feelings, I don't know when you're sad or scared or, or guilty... And you're always smiling. You don't let me in, [ and he beats one fist on his chest, angrily, right over his heart, ] and I can't keep you out. [ But no, he's not angry. His fists are clenched, but he doesn't want to take a swing at Hakkai. He wants Hakkai at his back -- at his side -- as they beat the snot out of whoever put them into this situation.
He wants to hold him, comfort him. ...Be held by him. But that point of their relationship is long gone, that kind of trust burned away by months of confrontation. He needs Hakkai to trust him, and there's no reason Hakkai should trust him -- his heart's stuck at an impasse, and it twists painfully in his chest.
All his steam runs out and he droops where he stands, just a loser in the middle of the street, struggling for the right words. ]
That's what I need. [ For better or worse. He takes a deep breath. ] What do you need?
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If he's going to trust that his memories are real, then he has to believe that the possessed bodies he's heard about really had everyone's ghosts in them, too. That really was Kanan, the woman Hakkai murdered a thousand people to save.
God. How did he bear it? ]
You don't show it. [I can't stand myself. Fuck, they really are a pair, aren't they? ] I don't get to listen in on your feelings, I don't know when you're sad or scared or, or guilty... And you're always smiling. You don't let me in, [ and he beats one fist on his chest, angrily, right over his heart, ] and I can't keep you out. [ But no, he's not angry. His fists are clenched, but he doesn't want to take a swing at Hakkai. He wants Hakkai at his back -- at his side -- as they beat the snot out of whoever put them into this situation.
He wants to hold him, comfort him. ...Be held by him. But that point of their relationship is long gone, that kind of trust burned away by months of confrontation. He needs Hakkai to trust him, and there's no reason Hakkai should trust him -- his heart's stuck at an impasse, and it twists painfully in his chest.
All his steam runs out and he droops where he stands, just a loser in the middle of the street, struggling for the right words. ]
That's what I need. [ For better or worse. He takes a deep breath. ] What do you need?