[Oh, this is bringing back bad memories in a flood. Ayumu...she hadn't wanted them to help her when they'd done her ablution, either. She'd refused their help, refused to confess...and then it had all gone so horribly wrong from there. And she'd blamed them...not for the outcome, but for even trying to help her in the first place. She'd acted like letting her die would have been more merciful than trying to keep her alive...or, if not more merciful, then at least more in line with her wishes, which had been to self-destruct in a manner of her own choosing rather than be saved.
She'd been...selfish. She hadn't cared about the consequences to anyone around her, wrapped up in her own pain and lashing out even at the people who wanted to help relieve her of it, with all the common sense of an injured animal who can't comprehend that its problems can be fixed or that there are people around who will help fix them. Except, unlike an animal, Ayumu was capable of comprehending...she'd just refused to listen.
Ken doesn't know enough about Judar to gauge what he'll do, or how much like Ayumu he might be. But he doesn't strike Ken as particularly understanding or selfless, and that's terrifying. The price of Ayumu's ablution failing had been high.]
Shut up! [Ken, that's not actually what you want during an ablution...] Stop being a dumbass! If we stop the ablution, you'll turn into an ayakashi and go on a rampage and probably hurt us and then you'll die anyway! The only way that won't happen is if you cooperate! You don't need an ablution until the blight's gotten bad enough that it's the only thing left!
And you're lying anyway, aren't you?! If you didn't feel bad about stinging your god you wouldn't be so blighted! You wanted them to stop you but you know you could've stopped yourself, too, and that's why you feel responsible! [Ken huffs a breath through his nose.] But it doesn't fucking matter, 'cause...it doesn't matter if you were stinging 'em or not. It doesn't matter if you were a good shinki or not. That's not why gods disappear. If your god didn't care about you stinging 'em, then they didn't care, which was kinda stupid, but...it's not why they're gone. Nothing you did is why they're gone. And if your god could forgive you stinging 'em all the time...then they must've liked you a lot. So they wouldn't want you to just fall into blight and die. And if you feel bad about anything you did or didn't do while your god was here, then...you can try to make it up to 'em by being faithful to what they'd want now that they're gone. So if they'd want you to live, then that's something you can do for them. Maybe it's the only thing left you can do for 'em, but it's better than nothing. And if they ever come back...you'll be here, waiting for 'em, and you can be proud of what you did while they were gone.
[A number of these thoughts are things Ken had hammered into him - or came to realize - over the course of his own ablution, but a lot of it is just the raw emotional intelligence and heart-on-sleeve eloquence that Ken alone, out of the entire Kokuyo gang, possesses. He's always been lacking in brains, but never in heart.]
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She'd been...selfish. She hadn't cared about the consequences to anyone around her, wrapped up in her own pain and lashing out even at the people who wanted to help relieve her of it, with all the common sense of an injured animal who can't comprehend that its problems can be fixed or that there are people around who will help fix them. Except, unlike an animal, Ayumu was capable of comprehending...she'd just refused to listen.
Ken doesn't know enough about Judar to gauge what he'll do, or how much like Ayumu he might be. But he doesn't strike Ken as particularly understanding or selfless, and that's terrifying. The price of Ayumu's ablution failing had been high.]
Shut up! [Ken, that's not actually what you want during an ablution...] Stop being a dumbass! If we stop the ablution, you'll turn into an ayakashi and go on a rampage and probably hurt us and then you'll die anyway! The only way that won't happen is if you cooperate! You don't need an ablution until the blight's gotten bad enough that it's the only thing left!
And you're lying anyway, aren't you?! If you didn't feel bad about stinging your god you wouldn't be so blighted! You wanted them to stop you but you know you could've stopped yourself, too, and that's why you feel responsible! [Ken huffs a breath through his nose.] But it doesn't fucking matter, 'cause...it doesn't matter if you were stinging 'em or not. It doesn't matter if you were a good shinki or not. That's not why gods disappear. If your god didn't care about you stinging 'em, then they didn't care, which was kinda stupid, but...it's not why they're gone. Nothing you did is why they're gone. And if your god could forgive you stinging 'em all the time...then they must've liked you a lot. So they wouldn't want you to just fall into blight and die. And if you feel bad about anything you did or didn't do while your god was here, then...you can try to make it up to 'em by being faithful to what they'd want now that they're gone. So if they'd want you to live, then that's something you can do for them. Maybe it's the only thing left you can do for 'em, but it's better than nothing. And if they ever come back...you'll be here, waiting for 'em, and you can be proud of what you did while they were gone.
[A number of these thoughts are things Ken had hammered into him - or came to realize - over the course of his own ablution, but a lot of it is just the raw emotional intelligence and heart-on-sleeve eloquence that Ken alone, out of the entire Kokuyo gang, possesses. He's always been lacking in brains, but never in heart.]