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Who: Hakkai & Yuri

When: June 28th

Where: makes vague hand gestures. Aokigahara.

What: Yuri answering a suicide prayer that hits a little too close to home...

Warning discussions of suicide/trauma, etc.

[Hakkai's been stinging her a lot lately, she thinks as she stares out into the expanse of trees. She's never actually been here before, surprisingly-- she can see now why they call it a sea of trees and it reminds her waaayy too much of the Unfathomable Forest back home.

Yuri casts an uneasy glance at the tree tops and rubs her arm, partly to ward off a chill.

Something must have happened the other day, but with everything else going on, she'd hardly had time to question him, and in a way she was rather reluctant to in the first place. If pushed too much, she knows Hakkai might demand his release and then she'd be the asshole for refusing, or at the very least he might try to clam up even more. It left her in a frustrating in-between state of inaction.

This prayer wasn't going to make anything easier.] You don't... [She speaks up suddenly and then stops, the familiar offer of an out stalling as she realizes it's useless. Instead Yuri focuses her gaze quietly on Hakka, studying him, before saying instead]

Are you ready to go? We have to hike in a little bit more to reach her.

[She didn't particularly like just teleporting right in on top of the people whose prayers she was answering, and she hoped that maybe having a little extra time to think might make them change their minds.]

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[He has been stinging her a lot lately, and he knows it. He'd found this morning that the blight wouldn't wash properly clean.

But how is he supposed to confess this? Wrongdoing is easy. There's no atoning, though, for things undone. All he can do is keep fighting against allowing himself to despair.

And if it gets too bad... well, he thinks. Neji is a reliable young man. It might be time to pull him aside and see if he's willing to promise Hakkai that, if it goes too far and Yuri won't release him to save herself after all, he'll do what's necessary.]

Yes, I'm ready. I'll follow you, then?

[He pulls a polite smile onto his face, even though he knows she knows it's insincere. The forest is beautiful, green and vivid with moss and plant life in the early summer, and the day is cloudy but free of rain.

There is a pair of shoes, decaying and almost invisible under fallen leaves and moss, tucked into the crook of a root ten feet away, he notices, and keeps smiling.]

[It feels like their relationship has taken two huge steps back when it had been going so well before, a chasm opening up between them. Was it her doing, or Hakkai's, or an outside force?

His smile hurts her and she stares at him a moment, face carefully neutral before her gaze lowers in a sort of resigned acceptance.]

...Mm. [A deep breath and she begins the hike with a practiced ease.] Typically authorities are able to stop people from committing suicide here now, but a few people are still determined enough. There's something about this place, I suppose...

[The forest is dense and quiet and almost unnaturally still, in way that's peaceful boarding on eerie if one were to think too hard on it.] Our-- client's chosen an unusual way to die, too, if she chooses to go through with it.

[Talking out loud helps, focusing on other things. But after a moment she hesitates] The fire at Amaterasu's temple... [She trails off, not sure if it's a topic he might want to talk about or not. She doesn't think it was the first itself that caused any change--she'd been stung early enough in the day already--but he'd seemed... more or less the same when in Mexico. And then he'd come home smelling of smoke that wasn't all from fire and she'd been too exhausted to ask why and...

There was a lot to process.]

Her enemies have escalated. [Yuri's long stare, the resigned lowering of her gaze.... she wants him to talk about it, Hakkai thinks, of course. He doesn't have any idea where to start.

He is ashamed. He's stung her so badly -- worse than he has for anyone since Elsa, when he was first pushing too hard and recklessly at the boundaries of what it was safe to know about himself. And all over something that he absolutely cannot change, something that he cannot do anything at all about. It's not his guilt that shames him. It's his weakness.

Eventually, he'll have to warn her about Gojyo's return; she's one of the ones who'd known him, someone who could unquestionably be startled by the sight of that familiar face. He's still glad for the change of subject, if it is one. Yuri doesn't go out in the Heavens so much that it's immediately dangerous.

And a prayer is not the right time.]

I don't think there can be any doubt that the new temples were meant to lure us all away.

[He smiles, still humorlessly, as he follows her deeper into the eerily still forest.] At least we all have alibis.

[Don't call Yuri out of her asocial tendencies, Hakkai, jesus.]

Small blessings.

[Alibis are good, at least.] It'll be hard for anyone to pin the blame on the new gods at least. [And by 'anyone' she means the advisers and all.] At least Amaterasu's alright, but her announcement to the network and everyone... [There's something about it she doesn't like.] I guess it doesn't send a good image...

[She's not sure how to explain. And it's easier to talk about these things than to try and talk about their own personal problems.]

No. I wonder if she's started to distrust the older gods around her, in light of -- [Hakkai waves a hand slightly.] All this.

[He falls silent as he hears something ahead of them: a twig cracking, and someone else's foot disturbing dry leaves. They haven't gone too far into the forest yet. This supplicant, it seems, isn't worried about someone finding her too quickly and saving her.

An unusual way to die, Yuri had said, and Hakkai hadn't asked. He holds a low-sweeping wild camellia branch out of their way, and peers forward.

Ten or twenty paces away, a young woman stands with her back to them. She's dressed nicely, in a knee-length skirt and fashionable blouse that would suit a young office worker, and a small red leather purse lies next to her feet. Her hair, bleached to auburn, is unstyled and hanging down her back past her shoulders. Hakkai can't see her hands.

His gaze flicks to Yuri. She's heard the prayer; he is, after all, here to support her rather than to take the lead.]

If she reaches out to us instead... [She's not sure where she's going with that thought, trying to piece together that 'what ifs' herself, but she cuts herself off when the woman comes into view.

Yuri stares straight ahead, unnaturally still as she prepares herself. She wouldn't wish this job on anyone, but it doesn't mean she enjoys it or is ever truly used to it, despite what she might say otherwise. She looks to Hakkai a moment and then reaches out to place a hand on his arm, just a brief moment of desperate comfort as she passes and approaches the woman.]

You called, and I've answered.

[It's Neji's influence that has her using such formality and ceremony for these sorts of things, but the heaviness of each prayer seems to lend itself towards such things in the first place. The woman turns, a knife held shaking in her hands. Yuri glaces to it briefly, stomach twisting with dread at the familiar scene.

'You'll help me?' The woman asks, grip tightening slightly on the handle.]

No. But I won't stop you, either. It has to be your own choice.

['You won't? I already made my choice.' But she doesn't sound entirely sure, exactly.]

I know. [Yuri keeps her tone as neutral as possible, but there's a thread of weariness and resignation to it.] And I'll stay here by your side. You... won't be alone. And you won't feel any pain, I can guarantee that. [Her fingers twitch a little at her side, curling and uncurling--Yuri knows she's planning to slit her own throat and Yuri's not looking forward to feeling that]

[The woman turns.

She's holding a knife, and Hakkai, standing behind Yuri, blanches chalk-pale as horror crashes through him.

It's not memory. He doesn't know why it strikes him with such force to see her, knife clasped in both hands, blade up towards her throat, her hands trembling just slightly so that the sunlight through the leaves dances on its edge

and he can't see anything but the knife, and her hands: she's broken one nail, it's short and a little ragged next to its manicured neighbors, his gaze flicks up to her face, a stranger's face, she's done her makeup but her eyeliner is smeared and why is he --

Hakkai takes a stumbling step forward, level with Yuri. One of his hands is half-raised, outstretched. He's shaking.

He doesn't know why.]

[The shock of feeling hits her hard, making her immediately lose her focus as she turns her attention on her shinki.] Hakkai-- [What in the world had gotten into him? There's nothing she can connect this too, nothing that would've set this off like this.

The woman takes a startled step back, knife rising a little in an automatic sort of defense against the sudden approach.]

It's alright. Just, ah... Hold on a moment. [She can't think of anything else better to say, decorum thrown out the window for the moment.

The woman stares at Hakkai, openly baffled. Did this guy care that much about some stranger he'd just met?

If his actions made the woman start to change her mind, Yuri didn't mind at all, but there were less shocking ways to go about it, surely. She watches him, unsure if she should reach out to him or not.]

Please don't.

[It's all he can think of to say. His tongue feels thick and clumsy in his mouth (and why, why--) and his voice sounds half-choked as he takes another step forward, reaching up and forward, trying gently to take the knife out of her hand.

It's not the first prayer he's been on with Yuri. He hasn't reacted this way before. He's been fine before, but -- this...]

[The woman gives a confused look, not stopping Hakkai as he takes the knife. It's all a bit too much, overwhelming, for her to react.

Yuri, too, is in a similar situation, watching him with open bafflement.] Hakkai. [Her tone is caught between bewildered and reprimanding] She already-- We're not supposed to--

[If there was one rule she'd held herself to, it was to not directly try to influence the decisions of those that prayed to her. On one hand, she was furious that this one rule had been broken so thoroughlyeasy, really, so after a initial attempt it wouldn't have been surprising if the woman second-guessed herself and changed her mind. This might've just expedited that process.

She also tries very hard not to think about the fact that maybe the woman would have died without really meaning it and that would mean more-or-less innocent blood on Yuri's hands. As it was, there was always a chance of that-- And Yuri usually tried very hard not to think about it.

Instead she focuses on Hakkai again, mouth set in a thin line. She needed to get him to do something, anything to get his mind refocused too.]

Hakkai. Call the police. Tell them we have someone at Aokigahara. [They could take it from there, at least.]

Ah...

[It's something, and Hakkai nods, eyes still wide and baffled as he clutches at the suggestion. He flips the knife in his hand, turning to offer it hilt-first to Yuri, but his fingers feel as clumsy as his tongue, and the blade scores a shallow line across his right palm.

It's quite sharp after all. He winces, the sting of the cut cutting through the choking tension clutching at his throat and chest, and switches the blade with more care to his other hand as he pulls out his handkerchief, first, for the bleeding, and his phone, second, to dial.]

Excuse me-- Hello?

[As soon as Yuri takes the knife, he turns away, his voice even, pleasant and almost mechanically normal as he describes their location, the woman, that she had had a knife but let him take it away.

He ends the call with a tap of his thumb, and sits down quite abruptly on the root of a tree arching a foot above the mossy soil, covering his face with one hand. He hasn't looked back at the young woman since he took the knife.]

[Yuri takes the knife and sets it aside, sparing Hakkai only one last confused frown before she focuses her attention on the woman. She's sobbing, clinging to Yuri and babbling about her life, what had brought her to this point in the first place.

Yuri listens, of course, but doesn't say much, letting the woman work through things on her own. It feels like forever until the police arrive, when Yuri can send the woman on her way. The woman looks to Hakkai hesitantly, then whisper to Yuri before she's taken away; presumably, Yuri hopes, to help.

It's less awkward dealing with the police than Yuri would have expected. Their eyes pass over her, the woman more important in the moment, and soon the clearing is free of people save herself and Hakkai.

For a long moment, Yuri says nothing. She's not sure what to say, a million different sentences starting in her mind and unable to form out loud. At length she walks over, pocketing the knife she'd forgotten to turn over to the police, and regards Hakkai with a frown.]

...Your hand. Is it okay? [It's a start, maybe.]

My hand?

[Hakkai starts, looking up at her, and then down again at his other hand, which is still clenched around his bloodstained handkerchief. He blinks.]

Yes, I -- it's just a scratch.

[The hush of the forest is falling around them again as, on the road a few minutes' walk away, a car engine starts and Dopplers away. Towards help for her, Hakkai thinks: that's right, the police have been and gone, not even noticing the dead man on his tree root and barely questioning the goddess. Which means he's going to have to explain.

He wishes he had an explanation. Instead, he takes a shaky breath, looking down at his hands as he tugs the wadded-up handkerchief free where it's threatening to stick to the cut and wraps it around his hand in a makeshift bandage instead.]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... done that.

No, you shouldn't have.

[She's still a bit angry about it all, but-- But...

Yuri exhales a deep sigh, forcing her anger to go with it. She wasn't mad about the outcome, of course, but rather at the fact everything had been completely thrown off so thoroughly, so quickly. She never really considered herself someone who needed to be in control or anything, but to have it all ripped out from underneath her and be left floundering for purchase like that... A little warning for her to prepare herself would've been nice.

She moves to him and sinks to her knees, reaching for his injured hand to inspect it some herself, maybe clean it a little or...something. Something to occupy her hands.]

...But. It did all work out for the better in the end. I think that woman is going to be alright. It'll be hard, but I don't think I'll be hearing from her again. [Yuri goes quiet a moment.]

She said something to me, before she left. Do you want to know what it was? ['Are you in the right frame of mind to hear it?']

[Hakkai starts again as she reaches for his hand, but then holds it out to her, his expression carefully guarded. The cut across the palm really is shallow; a determined cat could do worse, and the bleeding has mostly stopped.]

I don't know why I -- [He sounds genuinely bewildered, his voice smaller than usual as he looks down at his outstretched palm.

It doesn't make sense. He's seen people die before. He's seen people take their own lives before: why now? Why her? She's a stranger, and even with his memories of Gojyo and some of their lives together returning to him, he doesn't think she looks like anyone he's ever known.]

... Yes. I'd like to hear it.

[She wants to say 'maybe it's connected with something you've forgotten' but already she can feel dread settling in her stomach at the very thought. Interesting.

The cut really is very superficial, but she uses the handkerchief to wipe away whatever blood remains anyhow and re-wraps it.] Sometimes there's a buildup. You see enough of some things, you think you grow numb to it, then one day something just... breaks the dam. [She doesn't believe for a second that's what actually happened, but it's an excuse, maybe, until Hakkai can safely remember more.

She rests her hands in her lap again, eyeing Hakkai a moment to determine if it's really okay-- It's not like the woman told her anything profound, but maybe it would somehow make him feel better about speaking up so intensely like that?]

She told me to make sure you knew that you saved her life. Just... 'Tell him I can't thank him enough. He rescued me.'

[Hakkai makes a small, choked noise, and puts his face in his hands.

He rescued me.

He doesn't know why that hurts, either. Maybe it's because he hadn't meant to. Maybe because it's still hard to believe that he can rescue someone, out of nothing more than foolish impulse, but here it is, and there she is. Saved, despite him.

He lets his hands fall to his knees, and looks back up. His instincts rebel against speaking, warning him with that same instinctive fear of corruption that he'd bulled through so often around Gojyo, before, and regretted. He smiles thinly.]

I wonder who it was I knew that had a knife.

[Yuri rests her hands in her lap, lips pursed and he only watches Hakkai for a moment before she politely averts her gaze to let him have some semblance of privacy.

She looks back when he speaks, blinking slowly. 'Don't think about it,' she wants to say, but she doesn't. She knows that he knows better, and all she can think is that she hopes he'll regain enough memories soon where this won't be as much of a problem. Though she's not entirely sure she wants him to regain memories that would answer why he reacted this strongly to this prayer type specifically. ]

...You'll remember, one day. [Is all she can really offer. Yuri looks away again looking at the surrounding forest. The eeriness seems almost...comforting now. Familiar, like the forest surrounding her temple.]

Back home, this girl came to visit Hisoka, my...mentor. [For lack of a better word.] Hisoka wasn't around, so the girl said she's go up onto the mountain by herself then and start the search for her missing friend.

I found her on the mountain and tried to lead her back down to safety, but she... [Yuri pauses, staring at her own hands a moment.] She'd been possessed, I guess you could say. [It's more complicated than that but she won't go into details.] She slit her own throat with a knife, right in front of me. [Of the spirit reenacting the vent did. Whatever, same thing.]

I'd just wanted to help her, to bring her home and somewhere safe and... [And Yuri had failed tremendously. She shrugs helplessly.] They weren't really alike. The girl--Fuyuhi--and this woman. But the whole thing is... [Still very reminiscent of that time. She hadn't been entirely sure how she'd be able to handle it herself if the woman had actually gone through with it; the scene of Fuyuhi staring her in the eye and raising the knife to her throat was burned into her memory.

Hakkai, she thinks, must have something similar lurking in the back of his memories.]

So... I'm glad things turned out the way it did, really. [Even if she's not too pleased with how it went down, she's glad it happened all the same.]

Maybe I will remember one day.

[Maybe he won't. Maybe it truly is gone forever; he's regained more than he ever really expected to, and yet, still, there's so much of who he was that is a blank.

Maybe it's better if he forgets, he thinks bleakly, his gaze turning to Yuri as she tells her story. But he can't really bear that thought, either. He turns his mind away from the subject, fearing that he'll sting her -- his emotions are already a confused roil of upset, and he's sure that's bad enough -- and listens.

He lets the silence stretch for a few seconds after she finishes before he nods.]

I'm glad you didn't have to see it twice.

[She could have acted, if they'd tried to talk to her. She'd been on the edge.

Or was that just Hakkai's own emotions talking? She'd had the knife close to her throat, and then it had been as if all he saw were pieces of the scene made ugly by rendering them in too much detail. He can't rely on his own memory to be the truth. His hand starts to move, ready to rub his face again, and he stops himself.]

[Yuri watches him, quiet and thoughtful, before sighing softly. Yeah, no kidding, she's glad too and equally glad he hadn't had to see it too.

The life in the forest, the twittering of birds and rustling of small animals feels out of place. Like this place shouldn't have such normal things in it. It reminds her that life goes on, regardless.

He's trying to get a hold of his emotions, she knows, but she can still feel it coiling in the back of her mind, a phantom feeling under her skin.]

...Somehow, it's still peaceful here. [She tilts her head back to look at the canopy above, the speckles of light that filter through the leaves.] Everything seems in sharper focus after something like this.

[Yuri is quiet again for a moment before hesitatingly speaking up again:] We could visit her, if you'd like. After she's recovered, to check in on her. She might like it.

... Does it?

[He keeps distracting himself: her comment startles him out of his thoughts again, and he looks up, abruptly hearing the birdsong.

Letting out a breath, not quite a sigh, he gets back to his feet.

Visiting... he finds himself recoiling from the idea. He doesn't want to accept any responsibility for her. He doesn't want to be reminded, if indeed she reminds him of someone who --

He winces, forcing the agitation down before it can spur him into saying anything rash. It wouldn't be taking responsibility for her to visit her in the hospital. She'd been talking to Yuri, but he hadn't listened, so he has to ask.]

... Does she have anyone else? Who might visit?

[There's moss on his slacks, and one dead leaf. He leans down to brush it away.]

[Yuri doesn't move to follow him when he gets up, instead opting to continue sitting and watching him. She doesn't think he'd do anything really rash (and she wonders, idly, what happens if a shinki kills themselves? Can they die if they're already dead?)]

She moved away from her family, they're all a... good distance away. That doesn't mean they won't visit, but it means it wouldn't be often if they did at all.

[Yuri shrugs lightly] We don't have to, of course. As long as she's not praying to me again... Technically, we're not obligated to even remember she exists anymore. [Easier said than done, of course, but yes technically they have no reason to associate with her further now that the prayer is fulfilled--or unfulfilled, maybe.

Still, even if Hakkai declines, Yuri might take it upon herself to visit anyhow, just to make sure she's doing alright.]

[He straightens back up, and crosses his arms, not looking back down at her just yet.]

... yes, then. We should visit.

[Even if she doesn't pray to Yuri again... and he hopes she won't. He hopes she's done with it, but even if she would be either way, she shouldn't be alone.

That's the thought that first made him admire what she does. And here he is, not exactly helping, because while he'd known it was a brutally difficult job, he hadn't realized it was going to be this hard.

He closes his eyes for a moment. He had started to think that he knew himself, but he still didn't, did he?]

I won't do it again.

[Yuri pushes herself to her feet, brushing her hands off idly.

'Don't make promises you can't keep,' she almost says, eyeing him lightly. There's bound to be other mistakes, but she at least knows that when knives are involved, not to bring Hakkai with her.

Instead she just hums in acknowledgement of his sort-of apology.] In the end, it worked out well. Don't worry too much about it. [Yuri crosses her arms over her chest and tilts her head.]

...Hmm... if you're really wanting to atone, though... You could make something sweet tonight. [She's not usually one to indulge in sweets, but she figures if she gives Hakkai something to do to 'atone' it might make him feel better.] ...And do the dishes.

[Hakkai chuckles, his voice soft and still a little rusty. The suggestion does make him feel better.

(He bristles reflexively at the idea of atonement. He can accept it, though, as an apology.)]

Let's see. Strawberry cream cake? It's the right season for it.

[And it doesn't take too long to put together, after the sponge has been baked. He gestures politely for her to precede him back towards the road, although, really, they can teleport back from anywhere.

He just doesn't want to be in this clearing any more.]

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