⛧ Aʟʟᴇɴ "ɴᴏᴛ ᴀ ᴘʀɪᴇsᴛ" Wᴀʟᴋᴇʀ ★ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likethelight) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thenearshore2017-04-15 09:09 pm
likethelight) wrote in thenearshore2017-04-15 09:09 pm
[closed] See the devil on the doorstep now
Who: Allen and Lux
Where: Somewhere in the countryside
When: Late night, June 21st
Summary: Prayer #32 and #33: In some cases, the deaths of animals were caused by a predatory ayakashi on the loose. Camp out or track down the culprit, however you think is best to get it away from the remaining animals...
But it turns out that the reason the ayakashi have been so difficult to track down is there are actually two of them! Twins or just two ayakashi that work well together, the pair are a force to be reckoned with, especially if they're found in their lair.
[ Continued from prayer #31 here! The moment is interrupted and the ayakashi appears. ]
Where: Somewhere in the countryside
When: Late night, June 21st
Summary: Prayer #32 and #33: In some cases, the deaths of animals were caused by a predatory ayakashi on the loose. Camp out or track down the culprit, however you think is best to get it away from the remaining animals...
But it turns out that the reason the ayakashi have been so difficult to track down is there are actually two of them! Twins or just two ayakashi that work well together, the pair are a force to be reckoned with, especially if they're found in their lair.
[ Continued from prayer #31 here! The moment is interrupted and the ayakashi appears. ]
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Thank you, but... I think I'm okay like this for a moment. [ Aha.. ha. Please. Thinking of moving just sounds awful right now... How about he doesn't. One leg bent to the side and askew and you know, somehow this is oddly comfortable. His back might even re-crack into place. He'll be a whole new man!!! ...god. Man-god. Boy.
Whatever. ]
Are you alright, Lux...?
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You know what, it's probably best not to ask. Rocks in one's spine are apparently therapeutic, she had no idea. Nor is she really jumping at the chance to really find out just how therapeutic it is.
So with a sigh, she readjusts as well, to sit down at his side and lean back on the heels of her hands. Sits there for a second, readjusts again...
Then exhales and lays back as well, arms out as she closes her eyes. Maybe it was the adrenaline beginning to wear off, but everything felt heavy. She wasn't hurt like he was (blighted? Technically because of her..?), but the ache that came from holding her form longer than she was used to.
Hopefully he won't mind her joining him, although at that question she turns her head toward him with a surprised blink. Was she—
Oh. Right, earlier, when the first ayakashi charged them in the tree tops... ]
I'm exhausted.
[ Probably not the answer he was looking for, but it wasn't quite a lie. It wasn't completely the truth, either, but it would have to do. ]
And you? How is your arm?
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It's why he wanted her to trust him; like he trusts his Innocence.
So he smiles a little ruefully at the question and extends his left hand up; holding it high aloft and spreading his gloved fingers wide. ]
Fighting against something like that is why it exists. [ Why it'll be fine.
He's been through a lot worse with it.But he doesn't lower his hand right away. His smile flickering a little instead, and he slowly curls his fingers into his palm. ]
I yelled at you though. [ Like a cad. What kind of guy yells at a girl who just means him well. The lowest. ]
I'm sorry.
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She turns slightly toward him then, looking quite surprised by his response. The reason why he existed... An exorcist, he called himself. The both of them, really, although he was very loose about the definition of what that meant wasn't made obvious. But if he saw himself like that, if his definition of self was someone who was meant to fight ayakashi...
Turning away after a moment, looking up at the trees above them, her eyes search for that bit of moonlight that shines through breaks in the canopy. If that was what he meant... ]
Then we really aren't that different, are we?
[ It's not quite sad, but certainly thoughtful, as she seems to search the sky for the right words.
...
Wait, was he apologizing for that? Blinking a few times, Lux sits in silence, turning her head toward him to stare in mild disbelief.
Then all at once, she begins to laugh, something surprisingly light considering the air of the conversation. Turning toward him, Lux shakes her head. ]
I deserved it. I lost my temper first, so if anyone should be at fault, it's me.
[ Looking down slightly, she curls in a bit, bringing her knees up toward her chest. ]
I wasn't myself. I'm sorry for that.
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Oh.
Blinking for a moment, he presses his lips together lightly, expression gentle. "Not herself", she said... about what? When the smaller one attacked... she'd been afraid, and then she'd been very quiet.
When that light had appeared. ]
What happened?
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[ Her voice soft, the faint smile that lingered on her lips faded, and she drew her knees closer to her chest. Staring down at nothing at all, she tried to collect her thoughts.
Taking a breath, she pressed her lips together before she finally did speak. ]
Frightened me. Much more than the others we've fought before. And when one of them leapt at us like it did, I...
[ Her body acted without thinking, creating a light that was much different from the one in the barn. But where that one was stemmed from a desire to see, the light she created in the forest... it almost seemed to hurt it. Was created as such a visceral response. And then after, that churning, unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach like there was something so very wrong about all of it that still lingered even now whenever she thought about it... ]
...I'm glad you weren't hurt.
1/2
When had Lux, with all the creatures they had seen and fought... seems more deeply unsettling and nightmarish than those ayakashi were... while she, like him, would fear deeply for their comrades sometimes, for the people they wanted to save...
...when had she ever been scared by what they fought? And curled in on herself like that...
She seems so small right now. ]
...
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And to reach out to touch her shoulder. ]
Being afraid of creatures in the night, what anyone would call a monster— [ even if it's not a term Allen would use ]
...I think it'd be stranger if someone wasn't afraid. [ And he gives a small, reassuring squeeze. ]
It's human.
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She was afraid of it hurting her, or of it hurting him.
What kind of a shinki did that make her?
Hearing him move around, she didn't look up right away, but when his hand touched her shoulder, her head snapped up. Eyes wide in surprise for a brief moment, she lets her gaze fall again, an almost sheepish smile spreading across her lips. ]
It's embarrassing.
[ Something to lighten the mood? Perhaps a bit, even if it was a jab at herself. ]
This is the reason I exist; it won't do to be afraid of the dark, or of some "monster" that calls the dark home.
[ Human, he said. Maybe if she was, this would be acceptable. But in her eyes...
Not anymore. That part of her, if it ever existed, died. That was why she was here, why she could fight as she did. And that was all right.
Hesitating first, she tentatively brushed her hand over his, before letting it rest there. ]
...It's okay. I'll be all right.
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Blinking for a moment at that, he does start to sit up a little, hands in his lap and looking upwards. With a faint sort of smile on his lips and a hum of acknowledgement. "The reason that I exist"... ] Mn.
I'm still afraid, sometimes. [ Lightly said, like it's no great secret. ]
I used to be afraid a lot, too.
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Slowly, she turns to lay on her back, not quite ready to get up herself, her hands resting beneath her head. That night when Ameterasu's shrine was attacked, and Nanako especially was beside herself. Lux told her it was all right to be afraid, and that she, in fact was... but that was different.
She had been afraid for her, not for herself. Not of some outside entity. And that was all right, but to be afraid of the thing one fought, and to admit it, she could never. Would never. ]
You, afraid? I could never imagine.
[ Tipping her chin up, she takes a breath, speaking almost without thinking. ]
I could never be afraid of something like that. Fear means hesitance, and hesitance means certain death, for myself and anyone I fight alongside.
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Like he told Tokusa, after all--”aren’t you a better warrior than I?” She’s not wrong in that sense. ]
But I think what makes people strong--what makes them formidable… it’s not just the power or ability they have. It’s their hearts; the reasons they have to fight. And fighting because you have something important to you that you’re afraid of losing--
Overcoming that kind of fear and fighting because of it is what makes humans strong. And fighting without ever having something important to you that you’re afraid of losing-- [ ”Don’t you have anything important to you?!” How had he answered Kanda once…? ”I don’t, it’s pitiful…
“What was important to me… I lost it long ago.” ]
...it’s empty.
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The thing that makes people strong; having something that is important, that you don't want to lose.
Slowly she sits up, drawing her knees close and leaning forward. Staring off into the night as she collects her thoughts, she frowns a bit. ]
Maybe I have it all wrong, then. I thought...
What makes someone strong is being unafraid of anything.
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[ In all honesty… the answer surprises Allen a little. But then maybe it really shouldn’t. When they first met, after all… hadn’t it been because she struggled so much with an artificial belief of what she should fight for?
The strong being afraid of anything…. Well it’s true, that makes him think of his master. If Cross had ever had something he feared…
You know that doesn’t count at all, that man was a demon.
A ten foot tall never going to die demon. Until he did. ]
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Most of the exceptions would be like his Master whom he would deadeye and respond they’re not human.]But there’s nothing about being a weapon or a warrior that means giving up the part of you that makes you human. I think deciding to cut off your feelings because they might be too painful or inconvenient--
[ Kanda comes to mind. ]
..it doesn’t get rid of them and you can lose an important part of yourself. The part that can be the strongest. What an enemy should be afraid of--it’s someone’s heart and how hard they’ll fight to protect what’s important to them. [ What is the most underestimated and thus what should be feared the most.
He turns to look at the shink, chin lifting a little with gentle, hard to read kind of smile. Like it’s a bittersweet sort of memory. ]
Because of that, fundamentally we’re no different than anyone else.
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It floors her a bit, and she isn't sure how to respond. Being a weapon—but also being human... ]
I'm not sure that I'm allowed to be both. A weapon, and yet still human.
[ Existing as a shinki here, fighting ayakashi, didn't she surrender that option? That, even if she was afraid—she was, truly, in a way she couldn't possibly begin to understand—such thoughts were dangerous. Or, if not dangerous, unbecoming and unnecessary.
Except they weren't, by his definition. And that confuses her, her chin dipping and gaze focused on nothing at all. ]
Fighting to protect what is important...
[ Quietly turning over his words, that very concept in her head—fighting for what is important, rather than out of duty or obligation―she looks to him again. ]
What is it that you fight for, then? If you don't mind my asking.
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Lux, who became so upset in the past when he referred to himself as a weapon. That in a way he was no longer human. She was so angry, so hurt that he felt like that... it honestly was the one thing he felt he had to hide the most from her, some mishaps with gambling aside. Something that hurt, admittedly; such an important part of himself that it is. But with someone he already felt he could be so himself around, something so rare for someone like Allen who's used to being alone in his ideals and misunderstood—who was he to lament that one thing he had to bury and keep to himself? The one part of him she wouldn't accept.
So Lux, for you to say that now...
...it's heartbreaking, actually. And twisting to face her, it's why there's something so gentle, so tragic and so caring in how he smiles to her then. ]
The world that's in front of me.
If it's my enemy who can't help himself, or my friends and my home who I want to return to—I want to exist and fight for them. I can't help it; both of them are important to me.
Because living as a weapon and a human both... [ She's seen it now, hasn't she? His Crown Clown. "You and I together now.
"A weapon to save the world." ]
...it's all I know.
[1/2]
She never said it, at least not in so many words, but the reason it upset her, the reason why she would fight him every time he would speak and act that way, was because it truly showed how unfair the world could be. And more than that—
I understand how lonely that must feel.
She said it herself. She was a tool for her king, her prince and her country. For her family. A weapon, should they allow her the honor to fight. The greatest honor; something that, over time, she began to lose faith in.
But these sentiments were worlds away, left behind with all the memories of a life that was over far too soon. Those arguments, those passionate words of hers were forgotten, and for a moment, Lux wonders if that question might have been far too forward. Still unsure of who he was to her in the past (and if that should even matter), it was far too easy to fall into a rhythm, and that in and of itself was dangerous.
Wincing a smile at him, she begins to say something— ]
...
[ Then stops the moment he speaks, struck by his words. Her head snapping up, she stares at him wide-eyed. Because to speak like that, to say such noble words, ones she's never heard another god or shinki say; to fight for the sake of friend and foe alike. Then to smile in such a way that is so overwhelmingly human and to confess without hesitation that it was the only way he knew how to fight—
"Because living as a weapon and a human both...
"...it's all I know." ]
[2/2]
So instead of running through any myriad of things she could say, countless words and things that he would no doubt try to interrupt her during, or wordlessly insist that she's said too much, Lux takes a breath, a gentle, almost knowing smile turning her lips.
Being a weapon yet still human... ]
And that's how you can fight the way that you do. Because you see yourself as both, and because you want to protect this world and everyone, whether they are friend or foe.
Hearing you say something like that...
[ Her gaze snagging for a moment longer on their hands, as if she turned over something important in her mind, she finally looks up. Smiling at him in a way that's so genuine; uncertain, but still somehow strong. Like she's decided something. ]
It gives me hope that I can do the same. That maybe we aren't so different after all.
1/2
...
2/2
Hard enough he digs his fingers into his right palm for a moment because it's less obvious than if he were to bite his lip. Hard to know how to respond for a moment when before he would have known exactly how to respond—and that it's no longer the case now. Would just be upsetting and confusing now.
Wanting to say "I love you" so much he doesn't even know where to begin, so much does it bubble up and surprise even him, so he can only look a little dumbfounded as his eyes rapidly sketch across her face. Because how had that struck him once before in Enprise, when she similarly surprised him with how openly she might accept a part of him usually shunned? Touching the left side of his cheek and saying how she didn't see it as a curse but a precious thing, to see what others could not and in that instant striking even a boy who forgets he's still a boy like Allen...
Striking him, in that moment, with the realization she's beautiful.
But Lux, you...
...you'll never know how much that means to him, you saying that kind of thing now, will you? How different it is from before.
And that threatens to make far too many things tumble loose with it so he bows his head instead—quietly and with a certain heaviness—and presses his forehead gently to hers. Mostly...
Mostly so he can't do anything else. ]
Aah. [ It's low and lodged somewhere in his throat where it doesn't want to unstick no matter how he tries to swallow past, and he threads his fingers across hers to tighten and squeeze in response. ]
No, I— [ can't say ]
...don't suppose we are.
[1/2]
By what she said? Was it really so strange? It's how she feels, even if she isn't the best at articulating it!
(She really had no idea the full impact her words had. Never did, and likely never will.)
It wasn't until he finally bowed his head that she truly begins to realize that there was something else going on, something more than what he immediately let on. Tipping her chin up to look at him, Lux blinks a few times in wide-eyed surprise when he leans into her, forehead touching forehead like there was something so heavy about this moment. Something important.
Pay attention. Don't blink, don't look away or you'll miss it.
Blue eyes looking up at him, she sits in rapt silence, not daring to speak, hardly daring to breathe. And when he finally speaks in a way she can't recall ever hearing him, something so wrought that it ripples through her like electricity, she reflexively squeezes his hand in response. Not to urge him to say more but...
To stabilize him, maybe. Because in that moment, his forehead rested against his and hand gripping hers like it was the only thing tethering him to the world— ]
[2/2]
And, more than that, that looming sense of loneliness that seemed to radiate off him most times; like someone reaching out but unsure how, and so tightly wound that it hurt. It was almost painful how much she could understand, even among her own shinki... there was a wall. A difference in how they saw themselves, but here, now, his words cycling through her head;
"Because living as a weapon and a human both... it's all I know."
He understood, more than anyone, and because of that...
Placing her free hand on his upper arm, stabilizing him there in that moment, she exhales quietly, her gaze lowering somewhat. Having someone else who knew what that was like, someone who understood. It was something that even her fellow shinki didn't seem to comprehend—something she admittedly was trying to understand. Wanted to understand, and having someone who was the same, and being so thankful for that...
Sitting in that silence, her lips slowly spread into an almost contented smile. ]
...Then I don't have to be afraid of being alone.
[ That overwhelming, all-encompassing feeling.
...I want to make him happy.
For both of us. ]
Neither of us do.
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[ Ah, she... ]
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3/3
(no subject)