thenearshore | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Yona, her shinki, and others happening to be wandering by her temple.
When: Mid-to-late July (following certain conversations among her shinki)
Where: Yona's Temple
What: Information (and volatile emotion) is being shared among Yona's three shinki and it has some less-than-pleasant side effects for their goddess.

[ It had been a few days since she'd revealed the truth behind her nightmares - and the happenings that haunted one particular chamber within her temple - to Shizuo after he'd pressed for her trust and it had given her a lot to think about as well, revisiting that place and the memories of that night. Not that she didn't still see it so vividly in her memories and nightmares, but here... she hoped that being here might be able to give her new perspective on that night.

So far, she wasn't having much luck finding it. But she hadn't spoken any more about it to anyone either, spending a few days quieter than normal and immersed in her own thoughts as she dealt with her own emotions and the grief Shizuo told her she needed time to accept. It's distracting enough that she doesn't immediately realize how much it's affected her first shinki until she feels the sharp stinging pain that she knows come from him, but feels it much more intensely this time than she has before. Giving a yelp, she drops the book she'd been holding (and definitely not paying attention to enough to be reading) to rub at the sharp pain in her upper arm.

Well. That had been decidedly unpleasant. And far worse than the stings she'd gotten from her shinki before. Troubled by that, she debated what to do and whether or not to confront him over this one, but as it seemed serious, she finally pushes herself to her feet to go looking for him. Unfortunately, he proved rather difficult to find (because she hadn't thought of the roof) and while she looks, her other two shinki have, in the meantime, discovered him. And the hole he'd left in the wall. And then got the story directly from him about why it was now there.

Which is why, in abrupt succession, There is more stinging, each more painful than the last but still annoyingly in the same spot on her upper arm as tempers flare and the negative emotions created by the information has a direct physical effect. Shizuo's own is still mixed with the guilt of having damaged her temple and the effect rebounds between the three until Yona gives a soft cry, clutching at her arm near the entrance to her temple as she staggers for a moment and leans against one of the bright crimson pillars.

Her arm throbs in a way it's never done before, the pain deep and aching, and without thinking, she draws the sleeve of her dress up to reveal the dark discoloration of Blight now staining her skin and she stares at it in alarm, completely caught off-guard. ]

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I see...

[ She could feel as the guilt started to build up- He knew, knew it was bad and felt bad about it. In fact, Yona could probably tell that the blond knew where this was going and his responsibility in it all.

The problem was, this behavior was the kind that would snowball. In fact, it would even change the way a shinki normally would.

Which is why he wasn't apologizing still. In fact, he pocketed his hands and shifted his weight a bit in uneasiness. ]

What'd they tell you?

[ She pushes to her feet and approaches him, closing the distance that remains between them and reaching out to lay a hand on his arm, if he'll let her. ]

That's between me and them. As this is between me and you. Talk to me, Shizuo? Please? What is it that's bothering you so much? [ Her gaze drifts to his neck, where she could see his own spot of Blight, angry and dark against his skin. ] I don't want to see you get hurt by this. Let me help?

[ If Shizuo wasn't still ashamed of himself, maybe he would've welcomed the touch. However, stuck in that ball of self-sabotaging feelings, he shifts back a bit. After all, it's not like he deserved to have Yona try to understand and take a soft route towards this. ]

... Me get hurt?

[ For how long, and how many times, has he been the one stinging Yona? Really, he was the worst kind of cockroach. After that promise, which he was getting in the way of. It'd be better for Yona if- ]

It was stupid of these people to give you someone like me as a shinki. Especially when there's so much that I can't stop... Maybe it'd be better if you released me, for your own sake.

[ Her eyes widen at that, and she's quick to shake her head, her tone firmer now. ]

Shizuo. Stop that. If the day comes when you find somewhere else you truly wish to go and with good reason - with a reason that will make you happy - then I will release you. But this isn't one of those times. I have never, not for a moment, regretted having you as my shinki. You have done everything I asked of you and more. You listened when I needed you to, you have kept me safe and given me a friend when I needed one the most.

What is it you think you can't stop? What is it that has you feeling this way? [ Because she can feel it, creeping along the link they share with one another, even if she's still not certain how deeply the source of it goes or how she can fix it. ]

Maybe you should've been regretting it.

[ Isn't that the root of it? He was expecting and almost wanting Yona to regret this arrangement every time they realized he had stung her. Then after forcing her hand in taking a step in trusting him... All of this happened. Yona made a mistake, which he gave her no choice but to do.

Even after that, he still never told her what had caused that initial sting. Over some dumb eggs. ]

This whole time, I've been the reason why you haven't been safe. It's been something like every day where I end up having to explain why you felt a sting. Because of me. Neither of the others cause you that kind of pain- Until recently, I'm sure you never really felt any stings from them. Because they know how to stop themselves and not cause that kind of problem.

[ Until he had gotten angry enough where they questioned where it all came from, and the answer pretty much infected them.

Yet this wasn't what had been causing the stings and blight. That was his guilt for seeing this and being confronted. ]

Shizuo.

[ His name is sharp, intended to interrupt the way he is spiraling even deeper and she can feel it, can hear it in his words. And if she is stung again, she does not give away so much as a flinch to let him know about it. It wouldn't help, not here, not now. She's fairly certain that having proof that he'd hurt her again would just make him more resolute in his reasoning. ]

That is not for you to decide.

The others have stung me before - not in the way you have, it's true, but I do not compare you, any of you. There is no tally I keep of this as a transgression from you, Shizuo. You take so much responsibility onto yourself, and not all of it is yours to shoulder. Not the guilt, not the blame. I don't regret any of it because it shows that you have such a good heart and I don't think that's a bad thing. But not everything is your fault, Shizuo, and no one blames you for things gone amiss or accidents that happen near as much as you blame yourself for them.

How is it not up to me?

[ The problem is, while he certainly couldn't sense how things were progressing on the back of his neck, or how much he was stinging Yona, there was a terrible stain on Yona's arm and shoulder that was spreading. Which he was plenty aware with the meaning of.

It would just get worse, and even if things are handled this time, how long before he gets caught in another one of these situations where he can't help but do things he knows isn't right, feel guilty, but also too embarrassed and ashamed to admit it?

There was no way he could admit to Yona that, whether or not she wanted it, he'd probably kill this Soo-Won on sight. That his temper is the reason why there's a hole in the wall and cracked tiles on the roof. That he shared private information that Yona took care and entrusted with him, because of his stupid temper. ]

There's more than enough that I'm at fault for, and when you have one shinki that's causing you this much pain, no matter how the others are...

You should get rid of it.

[ Amusingly enough, the old gods would agree with him. ]

Tell me what you are at fault for, then, Shizuo.

[ She motions around them with a gesture of her hand. ]

This mark aside. Before that. What is it you think is so bad that you are drowning yourself in your own guilt? What have you done that would warrant me releasing you?

[ Even if he wanted to, the disappointment he had in himself, and imagining how hurt she'd be to know what he did, left any confessions as a large lump in his throat. Covering his face with a hand, the blond slowly drew it down.

If things didn't dramatically change, Yona's very life could be at risk. ]

You know that it's more than just guilt... It's always more than just guilt, because I always do something that leads to that.

You remember the promise I made when we met, yeah?

[ Who knew that he'd be the danger? ]

Of course I do.

[ Her voice softens at the reminder as she gazes up at him. ]

From where I stand, I've seen nothing that hints that you have broken it.

I see something that's more than enough of a reason. You really can't make that an exception.

[ At this point, for how long has he really broken that promise? ]

It's... Probably safe to say that I'm too dangerous to be anyone's shinki. Especially with how I am.

I can, because this?

[ She motions to her Blighted shoulder with a firm look. ]

This did not come from some crime you committed or from you doing terrible things and hurting others or being needlessly cruel. I know you well enough by now to know that that is not you. What caused it is your perceptions and that is what I am trying to understand, Shizuo. Talk to me, tell me what you are thinking about that has you feeling this way. If you believe you're becoming too dangerous to be anyone's shinki, it's because you're keeping yourself from opening up about whatever this is. Please, let me help.

It kind of is me though, isn't it?

[ The part of him that he's afraid of and looks down upon is still him. ]

All it takes is me losing a little bit of control and I'll do something I shouldn't. Which can be needlessly cruel. It'd be wrong under anyone's perception. It's not really an excuse that should be lived with and tolerated, just because I know what I'm guilty of.

[ Yet for as much as he admitted, he still wasn't actually confessing. In fact, there's a resigned look somewhere in his eyes- he's cast his own judgement upon himself. ]

You don't keep monsters because they feel bad about it once in a while.

Everyone acts or speaks without thinking sometimes. [ She shakes her head, arguing with him, because she doesn't believe that of him at all. he might be so quick to dismiss forgiveness but she is not. ] No one can be in control all the time, Shizuo. Not even you.

And you still haven't told me what you're feeling guilty of. But whatever it is, Shizuo, you are not a monster. People who are truly monsters.... [ She pauses, and there's a haunted shadow in her eyes for a moment as she stares at him. ] People who let themselves become monsters don't feel guilt and regret for what they do. That is why they are monsters. The very fact that you've stung me over this - whatever you believe it is - proves that you are not one.

We both know it's more than just sometimes for me.

[ Even the slightest thing came with a risk of him blowing up. Things breaking, people getting hurt, and other risks came with that kind of reaction. Even more- he didn't seem to have control or awareness when it got bad enough. ]

... There's some things I don't feel guilt over deciding. What I'm gonna regret is the reaction and disappointment of certain people who would find out. Which is why I'm not going to tell you, or others who don't already know.

[ Which was a direct disobedience, and went against the entire thing that started this whole mess. The way he took a step back, along with that tone of voice, it was very likely that he wasn't budging on that decision. ]

[ She studies him for a moment, her gaze narrowed as she considers those words and the meaning behind them. ]

This is about what I told you, isn't it? About what happened in this place, to my father. To me. Is this what has you feeling this way?

[ He really didn't want to see Yona's face if he said everything- so instead he swallows it all and took another couple of steps away. ]

I'll come back when you're ready to revoke my name.

No.

[ She moves then, darting around him to place herself between him and the tall gate that leads down the mountain, her hands outstretched to still his retreat. Her expression is firm and stubborn, a challenging light in her eyes. ]

That's not happening, Shizuo. There is nothing you can say that will change what I think of you.

What is it? What is so bad that you must hide it from me and lie about it? What? Do you think me a fool, naive for being so blind to someone like that? Weak, for letting it happen to me? For not knowing that it was coming? Did it make you angry? Afraid? Do you think there is anything so terrible that it might have made you think, made you feel, something that I have not already have felt or thought myself?

[ His expression must've been strange. For someone that would be so transparent that you could see when he was holding back, Shizuo's face was oddly blank, with the strangest of stares down at the redhead. ]

You think that's going to goad me into telling you anything? We're done, Yona.

[ For they were fleet of foot, but Shizuo had the stronger legs of them. Leaping into the sky, it was clear that he was ready to run and shut Yona out before she had to hear what actions he's settled on taking. ]

[ Izumo had warned her of what the consequences would be if Shizuo was not willing to talk, to open up about what was causing this. She'd heeded him, even though she hadn't believed her shinki would truly turn away instead of confiding in her. The fact that that's exactly what Shizuo had done leaves her standing and staring after him a moment before she swiftly reacts, calling in the backup plan she'd had in place, just in case.

She hadn't thought she'd need it. There's part of her that's devastated over having to use it even now. But the Blight couldn't be left to spread, not through either of them. She only hoped he could forgive her when this was over. Would she have to release him after this after all if he could not?

But prepared to deal with one disaster at a time, she calls out to the dragons she knows are waiting in the room behind her, giving her the privacy she'd requested but still staying within a reachable distance should she need them. Which she now apparently did. ]

Jae-Ha!

[He had known that her calling on him was a very real possibility, and Jae-Ha wastes no time springing into action. He appears almost instantaneously, faster and more agile than even his slender and athletic build gave him credit for. A surge of heat fills him as he pushes off from the ground, his leg propelling him upwards, soaring towards Shizuo with an arm outstretched.]

You're not finished!

[He seizes his fellow shinki by the back of his collar, prepared to rein him back in.]

You can't run from this!

[None of them can.]

[ If there was anyone who could catch Shizuo, Jae-Ha really was the only choice. Especially with the way that Shizuo had tried to escape- the guy was the only one with strong enough legs to catch up and easily match the height that the blond could reach.

Who, as he heard Jae-Ha's voice, started to look towards the source. If he knew that the green-haired man had grabbed his collar, he wasn't fighting it- in reality they both know that Shizuo had no way of being aware of the feeling, and had to see to know what was being done. Meaning he'd already been grabbed, and in such an awkward way and place. ]

Oi, get off! You know it'd be safer for her if my name was revoked.

[ Yona breathes a sigh of relief when Jae-Ha catches him before he gets too far. She watches with her hands clutched worriedly in front of her, biting her lower lip. ]

Please bring him inside, Jae-Ha, if you will?

[ Or if he can. She also knows Kija will be hovering nearby in case his strength is needed as well. ]

Of course.

[It doesn't even occur to him that he might not be able to bring Shizuo in as she desired. He turns his attention to Shizuo, grimacing as he aims to touch back down on the ground, dragging the other man along with him.]

Don't be stupid. Even if she would be safer, that's not what she wants. You have to know that.

[And what Yona wanted? That had to matter to them.]

[ With the look in Shizuo's eyes, he disagreed with this whole thing. With the look on the back of his neck, the dark purple stain that proved he was the cause of this issue was easily seen for Jae-Ha. ]

This is probably a case where Yona doesn't get what she wants.

[ He's digging his heels in, and Shizuo reaches back for a warning grab to the other shinki's wrist. Of course even a warning comes with more strength than there probably should be. He wasn't going anywhere so easily. ]

What she wants will just keep causing this to happen