thenearshore | [OPEN] Don't let me out of your arms for now

[OPEN] Don't let me out of your arms for now

Who: Souji and Y'ALL
When: July 31th
Where: Around the Far Shore, at Hachiman's temple
What: Souji regained the memory of the moment when he had to accept parting from Hijikata, and thereby the knowledge that he used to be close to Hijikata during his lifetime, and is understandably shook.
Warnings: INTENSE FEELINGS. Loss. Possible indirect mentions of terminal disease, but nothing too bad because shinki.

***

In the dream - is he dreaming? - he's crying harder than he ever has before. Maybe that's why his chest feels so tight, like he's gasping for breath after breath while being tossed by waves, not sure if the next gulp will be air or liquid burning its way into his lungs. Fraught as he's feeling, though, somehow he knows that it's not so bad as long as the arms around him don't let go.

The textile of the uniform is comfortingly rough against his cheek, the body it separates from him the solid center to his world it has always been, even though it's currently shaking with uncontrolled sobs.

He can't remember Hijikata ever crying like this before either.

He'd just asked a question, an important question, and he knows that the answer he received had shaken his whole world. But for the life of him he can't remember either. Only the relief, hurt, confusion, revelation, regret... love that followed.

"Please," Hijikata begs him. Begs him. Begs him. "Don't leave me behind."

But it's the other way around. He has to let Hijikata leave him behind, doesn't he? For both their sakes. He has to go on and Souji has to stay, and they both know they'll never see each other again. But it's for the best. He can't remember the question or the answer, but he knows this is what he has to do. For Hijikata.

***

i. Around the Far Shore, morning to noon

[His cheeks are wet, though his breath no longer comes in gasps. For a little while, he simply lies still in bed and stares at the ceiling. It's still early in the morning, the blazing light of the rising sun drawing a slanting wedge across his room, making every shadow dramatically angular but still soft.

He gets up and dresses silently, makes his way to Hijikata's room to listen by the door. A soft grunt from inside suggests that his God is still asleep, and Souji doesn't want to wake him while he still has no words for what he just experienced. So he lets himself outside instead, thinking to take some time to think, to try to grasp everything he's feeling before returning home.

He wanders indiscriminately, stopping at times by different temples around the Far Shore, apparently to pay his respects. He'll leave some incense or some flowers at altars, sit down at times with a faraway look on his face. Occasionally a few more tears make their way down his cheeks, but he honestly doesn't seem to notice. He doesn't seem distressed, not really. Just... overwhelmed.]

ii. Hachiman's temple, noon and onward

[He has to come back sooner or later. It doesn't feel right to stay away, not with what he knows. It must've been so hard for Hijikata, pretending that they didn't know each other at all. The sooner he gets to know, the better.

Still, he doesn't go to Hijikata right away. He sneaks to the kitchen to make himself tea, takes out the mochi left over from yesterday and puts them on a plate. They'll probably be a bit stale, but that's okay.

Then he sits down on the walkway facing the temple gate, sipping tea and watching clouds. After a while a pastel green duck clambers into his lap and makes itself comfortable, and Souji distractedly pets it and stops it from eating his mochi. Just waiting.]

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[Leo is carrying a small white cat when he and Souji run into each other. Ebony had escaped the temple when Leo was coming back from a walk and he'd had to chase her down.]

Thank the gods for bells on collars--oh, hello Souji.

[He jumps slightly, taken aback in a way which is distinctly not in character for him. But he relaxes quickly, even offering a small smile. This man is Hijikata's friend. He hasn't talked much to him, but the two of them seem to have fairly similar temperaments and get along well, and Souji is glad they do.

Also, there's a cute cat.]

It's Leo-sama, right? [Still sticking to the formality with Gods, this one.] I'm sorry, I was a bit distracted. [As if to prove it, he absently reaches out and scratches under the cat's chin.]

[Sama--oh. Honorifics. That's a thing. He smiles and nods even as Ebony tries to climb out of his arms to go to the new person]

I can see that. Is everything alright? Hijikata didn't work himself sick, did he?

[Souji lets out a small laugh, still petting the cat indulgently and looking down at her rather than meeting Leo's gaze right now.]

No. He probably stayed up late, like always, but he's not doing anything particularly stressing right now. [He makes a soft little sound, like an almost-sigh.] No, it's just me, really.

[All the pets!!]

What's wrong?

Nothing.

[Souji laughs, shaking his head.]

It's just... you know how Shinki can get back some of their memories sometimes, right?

[He nods.]

It won't cause you to turn into an ayakashi, if that's what has you worried.

No. I don't think I'm all that worried.

[He really isn't. He knows there are parts of that memory he shouldn't think about too closely, but they're not all that important anyway.]

It's just... I used to know him. [He doesn't need to specify who.] Did he ever tell you?

Not directly, but I guessed. The way he seemed to react to your amnesia reminded me of how I reacted to Niles'...the difference being Niles is simply my best and oldest friend, while I'm fairly sure you are much, much more to Hijikata than that.

[He's not going to go into the research he did on the Shinsengumi after learning Hijikata was from this world's past, of course. That'd be weird.

Also: note to self, send Hijikata booze.]

[What can he say to that? It's true that the word 'friend' doesn't seem to even come close to describing what he'd felt during that brief flash of memory, so he can't actually argue against Leo's assessment. But he doesn't exactly know what he'd describe it as, so the words still cause a faint blush to rise on his cheeks.]

It must've been a relief for him to have someone to talk to about it. I can't imagine... I mean, he had to keep pretending that we didn't know me for my sake. [He looks up, earnest sympathy evident in his gaze.] It must be very painful. For you too.

[Leo nods.]

I handled it...a lot worse than Hijikata did, honestly, and nearly lost Niles altogether before he remembered me. But it does hurt. A lot. That you remember even a little bit is bound to be a relief for him.

[There's something on Souji's mind.]

[Sometimes, he wonders if being a god is like being Souji -- that constant, instinctive awareness of someone's highs and lows seems like it ought to be familiar to him, of all people.]

[At any rate, it's not a bad thing, not really. It isn't guilt, or anger, or despair, or anything that would sting him or blight him. It's not hurting Souji, it's just... a big something.]

[The best thing to do, he decides, is not to push him too much. He gives him his space for the morning, busying himself with some of the books he's brought home from the library in one of the pavilions in the garden.]

[A little past noon, though, he starts to get a little parched. He closes the books and stacks them neatly, slips on his shoes, and makes his way back to the residential building. Maybe some iced barley tea, there should be some of that around somewhere...]

[As he approaches the kitchen entrance, though, there's Souji, petting one of the ducks, sipping some tea of his own. He pauses, but it's too late to sneak around some other way -- surely he's already been seen.]

There you are.

[His tone is casual, calm.]

Is there more of that tea?

[He's really thought hard about what to say. In his head, he'd tried to shape words around this new understanding of what he is, what they are, even though he's not sure he can identify it at all yet. They were close. He was important to Hijikata. He mattered to him. They were separated, and now they're no longer apart.

Even that much is hard to figure out how to say, but he'd thought that he'd finally worked out a way to start.

Except there Hijikata stands, with his hair in that perpetually messy state that growing it out has left it in for quite a while. He's not wearing his yukata properly because he never is. He looks a bit awkward where he's standing, for a man with absolute poise at all times, and he's asking about... tea, was it? Souji honestly isn't sure.

He's there. Hijikata is right there.

Before he can properly process what he's thinking, what's happening, Souji is shoving one highly affronted duck out of his lap. He jumps to his feet, stumbles as he trips over the tea pot and splashes tea everywhere, lets out a helpless little laugh and doesn't care, doesn't care, just flings himself into Hijikata's arms and clings to him. When the first tears fall, he's already got his face pressed to his chest, but it doesn't really matter that much. He's right there. He's not going anywhere.

Oh, right. He asked about the tea.]

Not anymore. [Half sob, half laughter, all joy and peace and desperation at once, Souji stays where he is.]

[Two times.]

[In all their years together, Hijikata's seen Souji cry all of two times.]

[But this time, there's no trace of the desperation and misery that drove him to tears before. As Hijikata catches him up in his arms and instinctively presses him to his chest, there's nothing in him that's worse than 'somehow a little bittersweet', and even that is all but completely buried in his laughter and warmth.]

[He lets out a soft, quiet little laugh of his own, just one, and rubs lightly at the smaller man's back. He fits just as easily into his arms as ever, and that's been a comfort, the last few months...]

I guess not. What's gotten into you today, Souji?

[It feels so good just to be there. For a moment or two, he allows himself to readjust to the universe as it is now. The same arms, the same man. Different time, different place. Instead of being cracked by desperation and grief, heavy with the plea of a man who knows that what he's asking is impossible, Hijikata's voice is warm and affectionate. His own sobs are echoed by steady breathing, steady hands.

He opens his mouth, trying to remember even one of the carefully constructed responses he'd considered while wandering around the Far Shore, repeated and turned over while waiting for Hijikata to come to him. But there's nothing.

Or rather, there is only one thing he can think to say, only one thing that matters:]

I'll never- never leave you behind. Never.

[If you keep breathing, that's enough.]

[Please... don't leave me behind.]

[There's a resonance to the words that nearly brings him to his knees, as the memory of that day is brought home fully. Souji's heavier in his arms, somehow more solid as a spirit than he was when he was alive, and he's here, he's here, he's here--]

Souji...

[He can't get anything else out. He doesn't need to, though... All he needs, all he feels like he'll ever need, is to hold Souji close to him and forget the rest of the world.]

[Maybe it's nothing. Maybe he's just in an odd mood. But Souji's here with him, breathing, steadfast as ever at his side, and he can't need anything else in the world.]

Hijikata-san.

[It's not exactly a conscious choice of honorifics, but this time around it's not a slip either. The intensity of emotion in that memory, the depth of the connection between them... Well, "-sama" doesn't feel right anymore. This does.

But he's still Hijikata's shinki. There are some things that need to be said, some parameters to set up for the safety of both of them. If they're to talk about this at all, Hijikata needs to know some things.]

I remember- [The word turns into a hiccup and then into tearfilled laughter. "I remember". He wants that to be all there is, it feels like that's the only part that matters, but he knows he has to do better than that.] I remember you holding me. I remember you- you were asking me not to leave you behind.

...I remember that you had to go away. [That's it, really. For now, that's all he needs.]

[Hijikata takes a deep breath, memorizing the new limits carefully. They knew each other, he had to leave, he remembers him begging not to be left behind. Nothing more.]

[It's such a weight off of his shoulders, though, that he could very nearly cry from relief. Just hearing his name properly from Souji is enough to have him shaking slightly, drawing him in close and burying his face in his hair.]

...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I had to go.

[He won't say why, won't say anything more about it, but he wants Souji to know that much.]

[He manages to shake his head slightly while still remaining as closely pressed against Hijikata as physically possible. No, he shouldn't apologize... should he? To be honest, even though he had been so very at peace with it in the memory, it actually feels rather nice to hear now.

More importantly: How important is it for Hijikata to get to say it? He couldn't have right then; even without more context, Souji understands that this would've been a bad idea. But now... now that they're both dead, both together again, both here? Who knows for how long Hijikata had to be alone, if that was their last meeting.

He must've been dying to say that, huh?

So even though he just shook his head, Souji doesn't protest. He just breathes out slowly, trying to control his sobs.]

It's okay. It's okay now. You had to... but it's okay now. You're here. That's all I want.

[Slowly, he sinks down to his knees, lowering Souji down with him, still held tightly against his chest. (He knows it wouldn't have bought Souji any more time or anything, but he still fantasizes for a moment about what it would have been like to just hold him like this until the troops moved on without them, until the world moved on without them and left them in peace, to do as they pleased...)]

[Souji was always so faultlessly faithful. Knowing that this afterlife together was a chance for him to finally repay that faith in some small measure has been one of the things that's gotten him through these months of quiet mourning for the shared past that he's had to keep secret...]

[And now, even if only a little, some part of that has been returned to him.]

I'm here. I won't leave again.

[He's done his duty now. He paid his dues, paid them in lost love and lost innocence and his own spilled blood, and now there's nothing left to hold him back from following his heart anymore.]

[He won't let go again. Not again.]

[Wandering around the Far Shore isn't surprising for Toushirou to do. With still getting acquainted in his new surroundings, this was something that he felt more comfortable in doing.

However, he slows when he sees Souji, looking...overwhelmed?]

Is something the matter?

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[OPEN] Don't let me out of your arms for now

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