thenearshore | il faut reculer pour mieux sauter

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il faut reculer pour mieux sauter

Who: Garry and Komaeda
What: Garry has some thoughts to work through. Clearly Komaeda will be a helpful guiding force that won't shove his foot into his own mouth gladly.
When: End of August
Where: Komaeda's Temple
Warnings: Talk about gender and fears of transphobia

For not the first time since they finished investigating and shopping at the department store, Garry stares down at the clothes he's spread across his bed and frowns.

They're not bad choices, really. He doesn't necessarily regret getting them. It's just that he knows they're not the kind of clothing really see on a lanky guy. Skirts, or soft pastel colors, or the kind of patterns he'd ferreted out. Finding things that would even fit him is something he's quite proud about, honestly. Even just in the men's section, it had been a challenge.

Still. Curling in his chest is a little bit of uncertainty, and more than a fair share of anxiety. Heaven has been very kind so far, with lots of good people. But the one that hasn't been, well... Shaking his head, he sighs and picks up a small cutesy hair clip he'd gotten at the store. Maybe this is just making a mountain out of a mole hill- and possibly bothering his god, as well.

Yet for as much as he tries, Garry can't hep stewing over it a little bit as he leaves his room, turning the clip inbetween his fingers.

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It's certainly gotten Komaeda's attention, if it's done nothing else. Feeling Garry fret away in his head makes Komaeda remember, vaguely, what it sounded like when his dog had gnawed on a bone - a sort of visceral grating. Not that he'd had his dog for very long, all things considered, but very little in his life has lasted for very long.

He'd rather like to keep Garry around for awhile, though - especially since an already-dead shinki is likely to be far hardier than a living dog, if cared for well. So he'd decided that he'd better go see what's bothering his shinki.

He'd been debating his approach before knocking, however, and then before he can even knock, Garry comes out on his own. How fortunate...the best kind of fortune, too, where the good luck is so minor that any resulting bad luck will be minor, too! Maybe that means this talk has a chance of going well.

"Hello, Garry," he greets his shinki with a smile. "I was just coming to check on you."

Almost walking right into Komaeda is a bit of a surprise, and Garry hastily takes a step back so that a collision doesn't happen. "Oh, Komaeda! Sorry about that." Bad luck is a thing he's learned to sort of expect just living in the temple- partially because half of it is an actual ruined disaster. The other half just seems to be how things balance themselves out around here, although he has to admit that he's slowly noticed it's more around his god than anything. If he can keep from contributing for the most part, he'd like to.

Once he's gotten over that, however, his god's words keep the surprise lingering for a bit, and Garry points at himself. "Really?" Only a second later and a sheepish expression crosses his face. Oh, wait. He thinks he can see what the problem is. "Was I bugging you?"

He had hoped that his own negative feelings hadn't been that strong... But he guesses it can't be helped.

"I'm not bothered, if that's what you mean," Komaeda says with a casual laugh. "'Concerned' might be a better word. Something's certainly weighing on your mind, right? And since you're my shinki, it only makes sense for me to want to know what's happening with you - and to help with it, if I can."

He gives Garry a friendly smile, the kind of smile that almost lets people forget that Komaeda is an only partially sane disaster area. "But I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

That's certainly the thing about Komaeda. It hasn't escaped Garry that, even without the self disparaging commentary, his god is a little... Awkward is the nice way to put it. There are other ways to put it, but they'd get rude, for one, and Garry isn't even sure where to start for another thing.

Yet in the end, he seems to care, and he hasn't set a building on fire, so...

Sighing, Garry purses his lips slightly. "I was hoping to figure it out on my own, but I guess it's not going as well as I'd hoped..." Leaning against his doorway, he tries to think. "It's a little difficult to explain. I guess to start with... Did you notice the kinds of clothing I got at that store?"

"I did." Komaeda tilts his head slightly. "I was wondering if you were going for the title of Ultimate Cosplayer...or Ultimate Fashionista. You'd certainly be better than the last Ultimate Fashionista, anyway...but I've always thought that surely anyone who wanted to be an Ultimate talent in any kind of fashion would have to explore every kind of fashion, wouldn't they?"

He smiles. "Did you have some other reason, though?"

For not the first time, Garry wonders if maybe he should point out to Komaeda that not everything necessarily about being an Ultimate anything. Sometimes people just do things even if they're not the best, or for totally different reasons.

Ah well. It hasn't done any harm yet, he supposes, and there are more important things to focus on, at least for him.

So all he says is, "Ah, not quite." Still, how to explain it? This situation has sort of caught him offguard; he doesn't have anything planned out. After a moment, he makes an attempt. "It's rather- I don't have anything against the clothes I usually wear." ~~Also known as "broke art student hobo punk".~~ "But with it all being the same... 'type', I suppose you could say." His hand awkwardly rises up in a vague gesture. "Masculine? I mean, I like that, but, I wanted something more, as well. It felt too restrictive to just stay with that."

After a second, he sighs. "Now I'm not even sure if that made sense..."

Look, if Komaeda isn't fetishizing the very idea of the greatest talents and the ultimate hope they represent for humanity, what is he supposed to do with his time?

Komaeda listens to Garry intently, head tilted slightly as he processes what he's been told. "Well," he says thoughtfully, "I don't have any problem with your wearing whatever you like...although I am a fan of your coat." Komaeda would say that, wearing a trenchcoat of his own. "And I don't see why anyone but your god should have any say in what you wear, so I suppose if anyone bothers you about it, you can always refer them to me."

And he smiles. It's not quite a vicious smile, but it has an edge. He's quite fond of Garry, and he's aware that people might give him a hard time...and he doesn't think, as Garry's god, that he should permit that sort of thing.

"At least someone likes it..." More than a few people have given him shit about it (although one was a child), although that's not the reason it's occasionally made an absence. That's more the weather. The sooner they drift into autumn, the sooner his coat will come back no matter if he leans more masculine or feminine in his choice of outfit.

But clothing is really only a part of the discussion. Instead, at that odd smile, Garry pauses and squints slightly. While he can't be upset about his god being on his side, that's...

"If you don't mind me asking.... What would you do, exactly? Your health is something we need to watch after..." And also that smile makes him really worried for some reason. Almost as if he's seen worrying smiles before and knows that shit ain't right sometimes.

"I'm not really sure," Komaeda replies, with a thoughtful hum. "Something unpleasant, certainly, but I hadn't really thought much about it. Hopefully it doesn't happen, after all! But I'm not going to let people harass my shinki. If you ever have to feel despair, then it should only be for the purposes of experiencing an even greater hope! So if you were made unhappy and unsafe, I'd want to make sure you had reason to feel happy and safe again. I think that would be the most hopeful response, wouldn't it?"

Then he laughs, lightly. "Don't worry; I wouldn't kill them! I think that might be a little extreme for the circumstances."

Okay, so Komaeda does, sort of, have a sense of scope. Of course, he's basically just implied that he would absolutely be down with murder if he thought the offense justified it...

As with most things about this "hope and despair" bend Komaeda seems so happily stapled to, Garry sort of suspects that some of it goes over his head... Still, he thinks he gets the idea.

....Probably.

"If it gets to that point, you'll tell me before you do anything, right?" In case he needs to do damage control... "I'd feel guilty if you ended up dragged into something that just escalated, especially since I'm supposed to watch over you."

"Is that something you'd want me to do?" Komaeda asks, his surprise seemingly genuine. "I suppose I could, if you'd like. It's definitely better for both of us if you don't feel guilty, after all. But remember that as your god, I'm supposed to watch out for you as well."

"Of course! Besides, whatever you'd decide to do, you might need someone to protect you, right? Since you're so sick..." Well. The unspoken fact that Komaeda is sicker than a dog, apparently, goes unsaid. Garry shakes his head. "I'm not the best fighter, but I still at least could draw a borderline if things started getting heated."

Then he smiles, slightly. "Besides, that sort of reason is why you're important to me."

"I wonder if sick is really the right word," Komaeda muses absently. "After all, I may have been terminally ill while I was alive, but it's not as though I can die from illness now...or at least, I don't think I can. Not that it killed me while I was alive, either, come to that! Although it really should have...ah, but anyway, what I mean to say is that I don't really think I'm sick. It's more like my body is stuck in the state it was in when I died, and that state just happened to be a pretty physically unhealthy one...I don't think it can get any worse, but I'm not sure I can get any better, either."

Komaeda's wandered off on one of his thoughtful verbal tangents for a moment, don't mind him. By now, Garry might be used to it.

He smiles at Garry at that soft sentiment, however. "I don't think anyone's ever worried about me as much as you do, or been as kind to me...although Davesprite's quite kind, too. I'm definitely lucky to have you as my shinki. But wouldn't even a terribly selfish person want to protect their own shinki? You might be giving me too much credit for that. You could even argue that protecting you because I like you is selfish..."

Verbal tangents are a pretty regular thing with Komaeda, it's true. Sometimes they're weird, or confusing, but they haven't yet dissolved into anything too bad. The obsession with the idea of Ultimate abilities, or his own self deprecation, are often the main subjects, at least in Garry's experience. He's not surprised that it's happened once again, although he still listens attentively. For all that they're shinki and god, they're still relatively strangers. The more Garry can learn about him, the better.

Still, he does have one thing to say. "Even if that's the case, I think 'sick' serves as a handy catch all for, ah... 'Somthing happening to your body that doesn't have to do with your choices'." Reaching up, he scratches his cheek. "Or something like that, anyway. Still, I wonder if that's true..." Garry's no doctor, but- oh. Didn't he see a sign about that somewhere?

Later, later. For now, he steps properly out of his room since this conversation is going a while, and he smiles a little. "Well, isn't that normal? I think that's the one thing that can be relied on for people: that we're selfish and that we're social. But I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing."

"It's always been dangerous for me to be social," Komaeda observes, looking thoughtful. "Bad things always happen to those around me...I've spent a lot of my life keeping my distance from people. Apparently that stopped once I entered Hope's Peak, but I don't actually remember my school years..." He shrugs, with a slight smile. "But for me, being social and selfish are even more closely linked than with most people. And it usually is a bad thing. But that's only in my case, perhaps."

There it is again... That mention of the simple fact that Komaeda's luck seems to make his life so hard. Garry rolls his shoulders, frowning once again at the idea of it. For not the first time, he thinks about looking it up. Maybe he should finally get to that. If he can't get a hold of Kaede to ask, maybe...

"It might be the same here," he offers, thumbs tucking into the pockets of his pants. "I mean, people are gods, so... Ah." He nods his head a little in the direction of where the kitchen is. "Do you want to have tea or something while we talk?" It seems like it might go on for a while, at least if he's gotten a handle on Komaeda correctly.

"Yes...I worry about that sometimes," Komaeda murmurs. "After all, you have to be around me...so the closer I get to you, and the more time you spend around me, the more likely it is that my luck will cause something terrible to happen to you. I'm really not sure what to do about it...I can't simply drive you away, or leave you behind, but is there any other way to keep you safe...?"

He seems genuinely, quietly distressed about it.

At the suggestion of tea, however, Komaeda lifts his head. "Ah - did you have more to talk about?"

"Well, yeah, but..." There's a brief pause as he decides on how honest he wants to be, before deciding that Komaeda as probably heard worse if his usual casual mentions are anything to go by. "You do tend to go off on tangents, sometimes, or go on for a while... So I figure it can't hurt to start up anything either way." With that, he shrugs.

After all, it is true. Sometimes talking with Komaeda can go on for a while, at least if one wants to get anywhere.

"Ah...I hadn't realized I eat up so much of your time, Garry!" Komaeda seems a little surprised. "To think the words of someone as worthless as myself could be so distracting to others..." He wraps his arms around himself, with that absent, self-deprecating smile of his.

"I was just worried about you! So if you don't have anything more to say, then I'd just be saying meaningless things...I'm sure you have more important things to do!"

And here they go again. Sighing, Garry reaches over to just... put his hand on top of Komaeda's head. Normally, he tries not to be too handsy with people but sometimes it doesn't seem as words alone get through to his god sometimes.

Hopefully he doesn't react badly.

"I don't think your words are meaningless," he says firmly before something occurs to him and he adds, "Or worthless. Even if you think they might be, it's fine. I don't. I'm glad that you came to check up on me." It's true. If he'd been fussing over that for too long, he'd probably have just gotten stuck in his own spiral. Maybe this is how the connection between a god and shinki should be, although he's just guessing at that.

In its own way.... It's sort of reassuring.

Komaeda looks almost comically startled by Garry's hand on his head. Aside from Tsumiki when he'd had despair disease, or Souda and Nidai when they'd tied him up...when was the last time someone touched him? (And, he supposes, he can't count any unremembered instances from during his time at Hope's Peak, even if he'd like to. Though it's hard to imagine that he had friends there once, that anyone would have wanted to been close to him at all...to say nothing of intentionally touching him, in some gesture of physical affection.)

It feels strange, to be touched so casually. It makes him feel warm. Which means...he needs to stop it, before his luck retaliates.

With a rather distracted smile, he reaches up to Garry's wrist and gently removes his hand, guiding it back to rest safely at Garry's side again. "You're too kind to me," he says - words that are both a statement of indirect gratitude, and an actual warning.

Sometimes, being around Komaeda is like being with a ghost, or some different otherworldly being. Perhaps it's his pale appearance that lends to that impression, with his unhealthy skin nudging long engrained human instinct that something is wrong and his bleach-like hair twisting and unkempt. All of it only adds to the occasional distance in his gaze or the peculiar way his smiles hang from his mouth.

So it's good to see him like this, brows raised high and eyes wide, brought down to earth instead of lost in whatever goes on in his head. Garry isn't sure he can properly explain it. Maybe a part of it is.... He's glad to see him be able to experience moments of normalcy, not influenced in any way by luck.

Then it's gone, and Garry is surprised enough to let his hand be removed. No, not removed, but guided, gently, like someone's hand from a hot stovetop. "Only as much as you deserve, really," he says once his words are back to him. Still... Is this enough, maybe? "Anyway, I'll go make some tea for myself.... You can always come find me if you want some too."

"All right," Komaeda says, with a smile. "Thank you, Garry."

He has no intention of following Garry to have tea with him, even though part of him certainly wants to. After that warm feeling he just had...it's probably not safe. He might be getting too close to Garry, so it's better to establish a little bit of distance now.

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