thenearshore | [ closed ] nothing will be broken

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[ closed ] nothing will be broken

Who: Minerva (Tatara Totsuka) and Heimdallr (Sorey)
When: Some cheery September night
Where: Minerva’s Temple
What: Sorey pays Tatara a visit to talk about various heartaches -- for Sorey, a flood of new memories; for Tatara, a trickle of old ones.

[ It’s been some time since Tatara’s had company at his own temple, beyond whosoever his remaining shinki chooses to bring over. But on this day, however, a knock at the front door isn’t unexpected. He’s quick to pull it open, too. ]

Aah, Sorey! [ He’s a welcome face -- him and his silly cloak and peculiar abundance of feathers. There’s a small-but-eager wave. ] Please, come in!

[ He’s glad to see him, even if, yes, there’s a faint bit of something small and fleeting in the back of the blond’s mind that locks up at the knowledge of what Sorey’s here to accomplish. He’d said he could help, after all -- not that Tatara needs any!! -- but that requires a lot of talking Minerva’s incarnation doesn’t care to do, for once. Here’s hoping there’s some way to wriggle out of it.

In the meantime, there’s tea for two already on the coffee table, in a kitschy cast iron set he picked up, (and got a heck of a deal on, he might add), during the mall fiasco. Along the wall in a larger aquarium is the goldfish, She Who Has Many Names, and is still fat, happy, and doing quite well. Sorey’s welcome to inquire about any and all of it. Just... anything to avoid talking about him. ]

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[ He wanted to be here to help - more than that, he's glad that Tatara wants for him to help him. Although he wouldn't have pushed him to open up at the least, the important thing is that Tatara had. It'd be a good way to test out of his powers, really. Not only that - but it had been reassuring to meet another god who felt the same way about shinki as he did after he had heard that some had seen them as tools. They were partners, weren't they? Beings just like them.

At the same, he'd simply enjoyed his company - glad to have made another friend here. That in itself was a given, wasn't it?

When he greets him, Sorey offers a big smile and a polite nod. ] Good evening! Thanks a lot for having me.

[ He steps inside, looking around for a bit. It sure was a nice shrine... ]

Everything been alright?

[ He's as kind and cordial as ever, isn't he? Then again, what else could Tatara reasonably expect from the man who carried him -- then a stranger -- home to his temple?

Once they're both inside, that inviting wave briefly turns casually dismissive. ]

It's fine, it's fine! The pleasure's mine, really!

[ And he means that in all sincerity. Not that Sakon's bright and vivacious persona isn't enough to light the entire temple on its own, of course, but... Sorey's different.

Different, and yet, still painfully similar. But that's talk for later, if ever. ]

Sit wherever you want! Sorry, the tea should be ready in just a minute, if you want some. [ Tatara takes a seat on the sofa lining the wall next to the aquarium, and gestures vaguely at the tea set on the coffee table. ]

Mm, everything's worked out just fine! [ See? Nothing to worry about here! ~~Heh.~~ ] You?

Tea would be great! Thank you. [ He feel like it'd be a little impolite to say no.... Still, he does take a seat. ]

I'm alright. ... Though-- [ He pauses. ] Remember what I told you before about my memories?

[ He looks up to Tatara, expression a bit meaningful. ]

[ Well-meaning smile still intact, with a nod he sets to checking on the tea, ultimately deciding to pour for both of them. ]

Mm, I do. [ Vaguely. He'd been a little out of it at the time. But he does distinctly remember Sorey saying those memories were spotty, at best. Which seemed odd to Tatara, who clearly, definitely died before in his last life, and came back with everything intact, body and mind.

And anyway, memory loss is for shinki! Or so he thought... ]

Why?

[ His expression falls then, frowning deeply. He's still not all that sure about what to make of all of this happening at once. All he really knows is that... he's glad he remembers. But, it feels odd when he can't share it with the person from home who's here. ]

... I remember everything about back at home. My shinki here-- Mikleo -- he and I are friends back at home.

[ It felt like it all came back to him at once -- even though he knows that wasn't the case. After all, there were so many things that felt familiar to him when he was with Mikleo, he knew that after a while, it couldn't just be a coincidence. [

[ Tatara leans forward then, as though for emphasis. ] That's great!

[ Except, it sure doesn't look that way. With a hand on his guest's shoulder, then: ]

But... why that look, then? There's no need to wear such a sad expression. [ He brightens, gently. ] A face like yours is meant to smile.

[ A flirtatious remark, perhaps, but he means it simply and sincerely: A frown is no more becoming on his features than it ever was on Johan's. ]

Heh, sorry. [ He does take that as Tatara more or less trying to cheer him up. He offers a small smile in return, feeling some guilt for making him worry - if he had. ]

It feels a little weird. Mikleo's not really allowed to remember anything, but I definitely remember him.

[ That earns the tilt of a head. ] Shinki can remember things. They just have to do it on their own, is all; we can’t tell them. [ He shrugs. ] But plenty of shinki I know have had memories come back to them in dreams.

[ So he’s taking Sorey’s sadness to stem from not being remembered, then. But Tatara’s well-versed and rehearsed in this caveat. ]

Don’t sweat it! If you two were friends before, I’m sure you’ll be just as close here, in time. [ He gives that shoulder a friendly pat-pat and withdraws his hand. ] Everything will work out just fine, you’ll see!

Really? This is the first I've heard about it. My guess is that it isn't dangerous when they do remember things a like that. [ That's good to hear. All this time, he'd been thinking that all of this was unfair to Mikleo - not to mention feeling guilty for having lied to him... ]

... That's true. [ His expression brightens into a softer smile. ] It's a pretty great coincidence, though! He and I ended up as partners here, sort of like back at home.

Mm, that’s how Shouhei and I were! [ A beat. ] Well, I wouldn’t say we were all that close of friends, but he will always be family to me.

He’s from my clan back home, you see. But he didn’t remember a thing at first, either. [ Tatara smiles brightly. Is this the part where he reveals he’s the diplomat for a gang of very dangerous hoodlums and ruffians? Maybe, if Sorey inquires. ]

I think this place has a way of pushing people like that together. It makes sense, if you think about it!

You guys ended up being shinki and god here? That's pretty amazing.

[ To put it lightly. ] ... I'm glad that he was able to remember everything. It kind of feels like a lot of things make way more sense when you do.

[ He offers a big smile at that. ] Yeah. I'm really glad I got to meet with Mikleo here again like we did. And, I'm happy that you were able to meet with Shouhei again, too.

[ Tatara laughs airily. ] Yep! It’s just like I’ve always said -- everything works out in the end! Even though he went home, and San-chan was pretty sad about that, I think he’s doing better now, too.

[ A beat. ]

It helps knowing that all he did was go home, eheh.

[ ...But he’ll gently skirt away from that topic now. He’s in no hurry to get to the meat of this meeting, after all. So, as he pours tea for the both of them, he comments, absently-- ]

You sound like you care a lot for your shinki. Mikleo, you said? [ Setting the pot back down, he offers a welcoming expression. ] What’s he like? Tell me about him!

[ He sounds interested, and that's his goal. Anything to keep that request -- “tell me about him” -- from being turned back on himself.

...Not that it’s anything to fuss over! It’s fine; it’s all fine. He’ll talk. He’s just... well, about as eager as any young man his age is to show his true emotions of love and loss, really. (Or so he thinks.) But he’s “cold-hearted”, isn’t he? So maybe it won’t be so bad. ]

[ Sorey sobers up at that. Hearing those words is another reminder as to why he's here. He needs to help Tatara - needs to heal his heart. He can't even imagine how much he's been hurting. ]

... Yeah. I'm glad for that, too.

Mikleo? [ His expression brightens at the thought of him. ] Sure thing! But... [ He stops. He'd love to tell him about Mikleo, really. There's some much to say. ]

If it's alright, I'd like to be able to help you, first.

[ Aah, he lights up at that name! Look at that face! That's an expression more becoming of someone so gentle. Tatara wants to hear all about him, this lucky person who clearly holds a large part of such a sweet man's heart.

...And he'd much rather that than to delve into how his own took its first scar. ]

Are you sure...? It's all really pretty silly; nothing to fuss over!

[ But the forced, humorless chuckle here says that it's not. Not at all. Tatara's reaction, (or overreaction, in his own opinion), is to him, perhaps, but not much else. Sorey will never buy it.

So then, as placidly as possible: ]

What would you like to know?

[ He feels like he hit a sore subject. Of course, he had been expecting that. That was why he was here, after all. He pauses for a moment, expression falling - concern and worry evident in the way he looks at Tatara. ]

... Sorry. I don't want to push it if you don't want to talk about it, but... I feel like I'll be able to help you more if I understand things a little better.

[ There's a long pause. Longer than one might expect, perhaps. ]

...Aah, it's fine, it's fine! [ This won't hurt a bit.

Tatara takes a deep breath, and exhales slowly. ]

Tell me, Sorey -- have you ever seen someone for the first time, and known in a blink that you could love them?

[ There's a lengthy pause on Sorey's end at that. It's a question he hadn't been expected to ask. After all, this conversation was more about Tatara then it was himself. At the same time, just from that question - he can start to understand Tatara's relationship with his friend more.

And he can't help but feel all the more guilty.

He's only a little aware of all the sorts of loves that are out there - love between family and friends, and love between--

A significant other.

At first, he realizes that he hasn't - but then, quickly - he realizes that that's not the case. The first time he saw his shinki, he had a strange feeling. It was a feeling that they knew one another before - but more than that, he felt more strongly then than anyone else he's met...

He had thought that it was perhaps because Mikleo was his shinki - that that was the very thing connecting them to one another. But, was that really the case? Couldn't it be that... he loved Mikleo before, back at home, and didn't realize it?

No-- that... that was it. He hadn't realized it before. But, Mikleo - who made his heart race when he saw him, who made him happier than anyone else - was someone who he... really, really loved. ]

... Yeah. [ He stops. ] You don't have to talk about it anymore, if you don't want to.

Of course you have. [ Tatara smiles broadly, with a saccharine sort of sweetness he lays thickly over everything that rises up inside him, churning in his gut, aching in his chest. ] That's Mikleo, isn't it?

[ He knows. Somehow, he thinks he might have known all along, despite not knowing Sorey very well at all. ]

That's good! Very good. You need to hold onto that, too, because from what I've seen, it really only happens once in a lifetime.

[ What reason would he have to believe otherwise? There was no one before Johan, and there's yet to be another after. (Not that Tatara's very compelled to look, of course.) He breathes out, and glances down to his feet. ]

I know, I know -- I can stop here. But... [ Much as everything in him begs, screams to please not go through with it, all of the god's previous attempts at consoling himself, healing himself in the wake of this kind of hurt have failed. He's always been so quick to let go of anything and everything in his life, no matter how important; but this is something he carries on his shoulders. A thorn in his side some days; others, it feels more like trying to walk off a broken leg.

Naturally, in his typical fashion, he's closed everyone off from helping him with it. It's fine, it's fine!, he says, though he hasn't uttered his name even once since the murder; won't bring up his memories of him; won't speak of what happened. The threat of tears long pent-up finally escaping is too great for that, and what good would crying do? There's no sense in fretting. Not when everything is going to work out just fine in the end, as it always does. Somehow.

Then again, Tatara is unfamiliar with this subject as a whole. It's not in his nature to grieve. But, wait as he might, he can't seem to feel better about it on his own. So... perhaps it's time he bite the metaphorical bullet. ]

...I think it would be better if I told you about him, actually. If you don't mind. [ A thick swallow. ]

He's the kind of person who deserves to be remembered.

[ He feels his heart jump at his words. ] ... What, you could tell? [ That's surprising, to say the least... He hadn't mentioned Mikleo very much to Tatara. Was it that obvious? ]

I will. [ Sorey says - expression more serious now. ] ... I'm really grateful just to know what I do now. [ Even if he doesn't have a chance to tell Mikleo - at least he knows what it is he feels for him. ]

But... Sorry, I came here to help you. Right now, you're the one helping me out, huh? I really appreciate it. [ He offers a small smile. ]

Take your time though. Thee's no rush in any of this.

[ Sorey doesn't want to force him to do or say anything. He... really hopes that the more he knows, the less painful he can make it for Tatara. ]

[ Tatara's smile turns sincerely warm for just a second. ]

Mm. The way your face looks when you talk about him makes it pretty obvious! [ It doesn't take an expert.

Sorey, you're in love, you silly boy -- and Tatara is delighted for you. Because love is a beautiful thing!

...Even when it hurts. ]

[ Of course, Tatara wasn't in love with the one he lost; they didn't have time for that. But it would have been, and that he can say for sure.

So perhaps it's a mercy that Johan was ripped from him all-too-soon, before that affection could rightly blossom into something more. All the same, there is no small part of the god that, after now having the barest taste of something so sweet, wants to experience it fully.

Someday. Not now. It wouldn't be fair to whosoever should want to hold his heart to give them such a bruised thing. No -- this healing needs to happen, first and foremost, before he can rightly put to rest what would have been, and what will never be, in order to move forward. ]

It's fine, it's fine -- no need to thank me! [ From there, the want to duck behind his age-old facade and write it all off is oppressive, intrusive, hard to abate. ] Sorry, I don't mean to change the mood...

[ He could be giving dating advice instead! Could maybe give him pointers on how to win his shinki's heart, perhaps? That sounds much more appetizing than going into the details on a silly crush of his that was murdered. It's too easy to write it all off as nothing; to say it's fine, it doesn't hurt, he doesn't need help.

But he's got to push through.

At himself, he sighs. ]

...his name was Johan Andersen. Or, Tonatiuh, to some. He was funny and sweet; kind and playful. I don't think he was even here long enough for anyone to meet him, but... he was my friend. [ A glance off elsewhere. ] ...More than that, actually.

I... [ he swallows thickly ] ...I liked him. [ One corner of his mouth twitches upward shakily as he attempts a chuckle and fails. ] I liked him a lot.

When he held my hand for the first time, I felt something--[ he touches his chest in demonstration ]--right here.

That's how Mikleo makes you feel, isn't it, Sorey?

[ It's true -- Sorey never had a chance to meet him. Still, from the way he talks about him, he can already start to tell that this wasn't a bad person in the least. In fact, Sorey can tell how loved he was just by the way that Tarara looks when he talks about him.

He reaches then, a hand moving to Tatara's shoulder in a small way to try to console him. ]

... Yeah. [ He responds softly. ] I think I understand a little better. And... I'm sorry. [ He's been bearing this pain all this time on his own... Sorey's regrets that they couldn't have met sooner. ]

[ The minute that heartfelt sympathy is offered, it occurs to Tatara that his composure has slipped. So, here comes the routine response, complete with dismissively-waving hand: ]

It’s fine, it’s fine -- everything is going to work out in the end somehow, just like it always does. I still believe in that now as much as I ever did before. Everything always works out.

[ Though that’s still future tense, when it should be in past by now. That speaks loudly. Even louder, however, is the move to pull that hand from his shoulder gently, sandwiching it between his own pair for emphasis. ]

What’s important is, you need to talk to Mikleo.

[ Squeezing that hand then, adding unwavering eye contact. ]

You need to tell him, Sorey. You don’t have to tell him anything about his past to tell him how he makes you feel. Please. Just hug him and tell him that you care. [ He draws a breath. It’s a bit shaky. ] Because every day that Johan’s been gone is a day I wish I had. Or that I still could. Even if it wouldn’t have changed anything, he still deserved to hear it.

And so does Mikleo.

[ It does speak loudly, and to Sorey - that's all the more encouragement on Tatara's end to not turn a blind eye on the subtle way that he says he's hurting. In a way, it makes him all the more glad that he's here - and all the more glad that they had found one another. He releases his shoulder then -getting the feeling that Tatara doesn't want to further worry Sorey. ]

... I'll talk to him. [ He says softly. ] I won't wait. [ For Tatara and Mikleo's sake both. Mikleo... he deserves to know -- even if it's a little scary. Still, he knows to be honest with him. ]

I'll help make sure that everything works out for you, too.

Good. I’m glad to hear it.

[ Tatara leans back in his seat then, sniffing faintly and discreetly swiping an eye, all while wearing a soft smile. That’s all the reassurance he needs -- that someone else can learn from his mistake. Don’t let love pass between your fingers unnoticed, Sorey, because it just might. ]

I’m grateful to him, for showing me what finding that one unique person feels like. It’s a connection that happens so fast you miss it, and when you think about it, it doesn’t quite make sense. You just know that this person is special, and you want to find ways to show them that.

[ A beat, and then he all-but-bursts out laughing, waving a hand once more. ]

But, I don’t need to tell you all this! [ A moment of sincerity crosses his features. ] Your Mikleo is one lucky person, you know.

[ In another lifetime, if things were different, I could fall for you. ] I’m happy for you both.

Aah-- [ a soft chuckle ] --somehow, I feel a little better already! I think just having someone to talk to about him helped.

... I think I get what you mean. You learn a lot from others, but it feels like more than that when you find someone like this. [ To say the least... He's really grateful. ] I'm really glad you could find someone like that, too.

[ He pauses when he laughs, offering a more genuine expression after. ] You think so? I feel like I'm the one who's lucky. [ Ah... But it goes both ways, doesn't it? ]

... I'm really glad. But... I can still help you even more, if you want me to.

Mm. [ A warm and serene smile.

Though Johan’s time was short, Tatara still learned so much from him. He’s been blessed, truly.

Sorey’s humble dismissal prompts the other to laugh. That’s the way true love works, he knows -- it’s why married couples always call the other their ‘better half’. ]

That’s how you know it’s real -- when someone is so special to you that you can’t decide who the lucky one is.

[ A beat, and Tatara’s head leans over just slightly. ]

Aah, if you’re sure it’s no trouble...! [ Though he would have the other stay just for company, too, were that an option. ] Then I’ll take you up on that, Sorey.

.... I think we all meet more than one person like that -- whether it's a family member, or a friend -- or otherwise.

[ He thinks of Lailah, who has become like family to him - and Alisha, who was also almost like a little sister. ]

I'll help you. I promise, I'll do my best to heal your heart.

Ehh? You think so?

[ He means, he would think that way about Mikoto, but... Mikoto would certainly not consider himself lucky to have Tatara. (At least, not openly.) But that's all neither here nor there. He should be so naive as to delude himself into thinking he won't meet someone else who falls into this same kind of category. ]

Mm. [ Tatara looks down at his hands momentarily. ] Alright, just tell me what to do, and how to help.

[ He nods. ] That's how it was at home, anyways.

[ People tend to make bonds with others -- no matter how strong or weak they may seem. ]

... You don't have to do anything. But, when I sit next to you -- you think you could close your eyes?

[ Tatara... tends not to form lasting emotional bonds, really. Whenever he can help it. And, sad as it is to admit, what happened with Johan is exactly why. He wants to be able to let go of something whenever it dares hurt him; to maintain a comfortable distance from anything that would leave him with an emotional scar.

Lo and behold, Johan snuck in past all his many layers of security... and Tatara didn’t even realize that until his murder.

Things would be entirely different, had he let himself love and lose sometime before in his life to have the experience and know how to cope. But, having saved himself that pain in the past now makes him completely unprepared for the present. Externally, he’s warm smiles and helping hands as always; internally, he’s still running damage control, trying to downplay everything to convince himself he’s not in pieces.

But appearances are kept, for now. So, there’s a soft smile and nod to the request. ]

Aah, I think I can manage that.

[ Sorey reaches then, taking the other's hand into his own, another reaching for a moment before he looks to Tatara. The hand holding is more or less to just keep up stable when he does what he needs to do. ]

Alright. [ He offers a reassuring smile. ] Ready?

[ Tatara readily and freely gives his hands, despite not knowing what to expect. ]

Ready.

[ He’ll close his eyes at this point. ]

[ Sorey closes his eyes then, focusing on the task at hand with furrowed brows - it feels like he knows what to do, despite never doing such a thing before. For a moment, there's a warm light that envelopes that hand on Tatara's chest - though, it disappears quickly enough. ]

... You can open your eyes now. [ A beat. ] I think.

[ Look. He's never done this before. ]

[ There’s no light -- not to someone with their eyes closed, there isn’t. And for more than a few moments, there’s a whole lot of nothing, altogether.

But, once it’s all over, he feels... almost as though he’s had a weight taken off him. Like Sorey has gifted him with long-sought-after closure. Where there was internal torment over things left unsaid, the shock, trauma, and disillusion of sudden loss, there is only peace. Tatara remembers everything -- from that night on the bridge, to every last embrace, brush of foreheads, and tangle of fingers -- but they’re warm memories now, rather than things that twist and churn in his gut and chill him to the bone.

They truly feel like happy photographs, taken with his heart’s shutter, rather than hard-learned lessons about being forthright with one’s feelings. Every moment with Johan is tucked safely away in his heart where it belongs, but no longer weighs upon it as a burden.

He’s free. Or rather, they both are, at long last.

To Sorey’s hesitance, Tatara compromises and opens just one eye, lips pulling up into a small smile. ] You think?

[ ~~He’s no Meebo, but Tatara can still give you The Business, Sorey.~~ ]

Hey, I've never done this before! [ But, Tatara looks happy - that's a fact. Though - there's a brief pause on Sorey's end as his hand falls - a sudden ache tugging at his chest. It... almost feels like it's been there all this time.

Still, he's not the focus here, is he? Still, that ache was certainly strange.

He quickly tries to shake that off, however - offering a wide smile. ]

Did it work? How do you feel?

[ Tatara lets out a laugh at that, finally resolving to open both eyes now. ]

Fine! Just fine. [ It’s a catchphrase, more or less, but this time he sincerely means it. That hesitation from Sorey, though... it has Tatara reaching for the hand that just fell away. ]

Are you okay, Sorey?

[ Sorey pauses when he feels that hand reaching for his own, offering a softer smile in return. ]

... I'm alright. I'm just glad you're feeling better.

[ For some reason, he's not buying that...

But really, he doesn't know Sorey nearly well enough to call that bluff with confidence, so he'll let it be. Just one little hand squeeze... ]

I am now, thanks to you.

Helping you was the least I could do.

[ And really. Knowing that he could do something about what was going on? How could he not? ]

You didn't have to, you know! It was very kind of you.

[ Sorey, you really are too sweet for this world. ~~The world Tatara comes from would eat you alive.~~ ]

Anyway, I owe you one, don't I? [ He smiles warmly. ] You should come by sometime, whenever the mood strikes. Maybe we could-- [ --cooking was going to be his off-the-bat offer, but that works best for shinki, and Sorey is a god. Time for a redirect! Tatara shrugs-- ] ...eheh, well, I'm sure we'll think of something fun to do!

Nah, you don't owe me anything.

[ It's the least he could do! He's really just happy that he could help in some way. He's felt like he's been holding this power back for a while, really... He's had no one to help like this. ]

... But, I'd sure like to come here again. The atmosphere here is really warm.

[ Under his breath, but sweetly: ] ...Of course you'd say that.

[ He really is too sweet. Tatara's ready to protest -- insist, as gently as possible -- when Sorey, surprisingly, accepts. ]

Ehh? You think so? [ A small, airy chuckle. ] I'm glad!

[ He's put a lot of work into making his temple inviting, though he'll never admit it, because it didn't truly feel like 'work' ever. ]

Then, please come by again! Any time you like.

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[ closed ] nothing will be broken

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