thenearshore | [closed] so tldr

"Yes, Chikusa-kun?"

Ayumu's busy at work tidying up around the kitchen. All things considered, the damage isn't as severe as it could have been. Most of the mess turns out to be cookie bits scattered across the floor from when she'd thrown them at her god. But there are some remnants of a smashed teaset on the floor as well, the one she'd painstakingly picked out as a surprise gift for Hakkai during the shopping center mission.

Currently, she's standing with her back to the door, gripping a broom hard enough her knuckles turn white, as she sweeps debris into a dustpan. Her tone is carefully even but there's still a hint of a tremor and an uncharacteristic defeated slump to her shoulders.

....Well. That's concerning.

Chikusa stays in the doorway for a moment longer, both to think carefully on what to say and so that he has nearby cover if she starts getting violent again. So far, she hasn't seemed like she would be violent towards him, but he'd rather be cautious than injured. After a second, he decides on the words he wants to say.

"How are you feeling?" A simple honest question, one that's genuine in that he really doesn't understand. Empathy has never been his strongest suit. Isn't it better to ask?

Ayumu pauses in her sweeping, turning around to face him. Now that Hakkai's gone and she had a few moments to herself, she was able to allow herself the luxury of a few tears. Her eyes are still red-rimmed from crying.

She notes that Chikusa is maintaining some distance but doesn't fault him for it. It's a good habit to maintain, especially in the aftermath of a violent outburst. He has nothing to fear from her but instructor habits are hard to break.

She manages a small, wan smile for his benefit. Urashima had told her doing the moonviewing that she didn't have to do such things, that they'd just make her tired, but Ayumu wouldn't be Ayumu if she didn't try to stay strong for others.

"I've been better. I'm sorry you and Ken had to see that. It was... unseemly."

For all that he's awkward with emotions as he is, even Chikusa senses something off with that smile. What it means... He doesn't think he's exactly qualified to say. Still, he takes note of it, quietly.

"...It's fine." His head tilts towards her. "...I threw a spoon at him." Which certainly explains the state of it in his hand. "And.... you were a lot more worried..."

That's what it is, isn't it? When someone accepts others into their house, and goes on a baking spree that lasts for multiple days?

Worry, yes. And maybe a subconscious attempt at self-preservation. Deep down, some part of her had known she was in no condition to be left alone, not after her instability at the moon-viewing. So she'd accepted the company and the distractions and they had helped. Up until Hakkai had spoken to her as a stranger, part of her had hoped he'd simply taken off on a trip somehow, however unlikely it seemed.

But no, she'd failed. Not only at safeguarding his life but at guiding him as his exemplar as well. Ayumu had warned Hakkai about this behavior and the path it would lead to but not a single word had sunk in, apparently.

The comment about the spoon throwing does make her smile a little, genuinely though.

"It wasn't just that. But it's not something you and Ken should have to worry about. You're both still so young! You should be enjoying your youth."

Edited 2017-12-15 04:51 (UTC)

"We're dead." The response comes simply and bluntly, with nothing else particularly attached. Chikusa has long accepted his fate. In fact, judging by at least one hat that he owns, he's even poked fun at the fact. So he can't really be upset or despair over the fact. He's dead. There's other things to do.

Still, it does mean his "youth" doesn't really apply here, both his situation and this conversation. There's a slight motion, almost as if he thought about moving forward. In the end, however, he simply speaks up.

"...Why not ask about it?"

"Ask about what? It's not like he remembers anything. It'd be a waste of time."

As for others, Ayumu's not exactly motivated to seek them out. Her identity as Hakkai's exemplar is hardly a secret. If someone else had known about whatever idiotic plan Hakkai had concocted this time, that they hadn't saw fit to inform any of his shinki about it, that isn't the mark of a trustworthy ally.

Ayumu resumes sweeping.

"And yes, I know you two are dead but that's all the more reason you should be out enjoying yourselves more. You have a second chance; you should take it."

Edited 2017-12-15 05:28 (UTC)

So she's sweeping again. Chikusa squints his eyes just slightly, while she's not paying him any attention. That's not because she's actually relaxed, right? It's the same reason why he adjusts his glasses sometimes, even when they don't actually need adjusting. So this can't be as right as she's trying to make it seem.

"Sure," he agrees blandly, not wanting to argue much about what he and Ken should or shouldn't do with their afterlife. "So you don't want anything to do with him now?" If she won't look into his death, and she's kicking him out of the temple...

"I didn't say that. I told him he could come back in a few days."

Ayumu sighs heavily but doesn't put down her broom or stop her chore. At least, cooking and cleaning are things she's good. It's everything else she's a failure at. She studies, practices, and tries so hard to be a good shinki and in the end, she's still unwanted and useless.

She quickly moves to dump the dustpan in the trash can.

"I don't think a little space is too much to ask for. Do you?"

Her tone's a bit sharper and more defensive than she'd intended. But she's hurting and doesn't want to take it out on Chikusa or Ken. They didn't do anything to deserve this.

For a second, he wavers, even if it doesn't show on his face. Is the tone a hint? Are the words? Chikusa would never call himself a comforting individual. Maybe he should go before he makes things worse, or at least gets himself kicked out of the house too.

....But also, he did mean to bring up some things to her. "So you don't want a new god?"

"No. I don't."

Ayumu isn't even going to ask where that particular idea had come from; one doesn't live with someone like she does without picking up on some things. Like how strangely Hakkai had behaved toward her when she'd first been assigned to him or how negative his reactions to her simply being his shinki have been. At the time, she hadn't really dwelled on it but she hadn't forgotten it either and with a question like that, it's all coming back to her.

And of course, there was Hakkai's rather abrupt naming of the boys, too. She's tried not to think about that too much either, more for the boys' sake than Hakkai's. Despite her initial feelings of betrayal towards Chikusa, ultimately she truly understands the position he and Ken had been in so they'd been quick to fade.

Ayumu's suspected for quite some time that her god just didn't want her. And she can't even honestly blame him. For a while, she's felt like there was something wrong with her, like she'd come back here wrong, somehow. But without knowing who she was in life and being unable to ask, Ayumu has no way of knowing if she'd always been like this or if it was just something that happened when she'd been pulled here.

She sighs again and bends to pick up the broken shards of china off the floor.

"I'm quite certain I don't want another god."

Being bound like this to one person has been more than enough for her. She'd rather be skinned alive, figuratively speaking, with a rusty knife than enter this situation with anyone else.

Edited 2017-12-15 06:35 (UTC)

Well. On the one hand, this means he doesn't necessarily have to do more work in trying to bribe Yona into taking on a new shinki, or awkwardly trying to convince Roy that she's a good choice. Still, just in case... "If you change your mind... I know some. I mentioned you might want one..." But in this case, it's clear she's made up her mind.

Really, he reflects, Ayumu is exactly as an exemplar should be. It's no secret how he feels about the duties of a shinki, especially one holds such a position with their god. She works hard, and stays by her god even when he turns out to be more trouble than one could have expected...

For a brief moment, he wonders what it would have been like if she'd been not only a shinki when he'd first met her, but if she had been Axel's exemplar instead of him. He can't deny how much purpose it's given him, even without Axel around, but.... It'd be so much less tiring, too, to have someone who goes to her duty in the same way he does, but who he could rely on instead.

With other people, he'd have no idea what to say. Right now, however, with the similarities in their circumstances so alike... "You've been working hard," he says quietly, perhaps to both of them as much as solely to her.

He's a sweet boy. Maybe not in a way others would notice but she has. It's part of what makes Chikusa a little more special to her than the rest. He has a unique consideration for others that Hakkai could benefit from if he was only willing to learn.

She smiles faintly. "Thank you for noticing, Chikusa-kun."

Her god never seems to despite being bound to her feelings. It doesn't take away the sting of being bound to someone who neither cares for or respects her but it does help to hear it acknowledged and appreciated.

Ayumu keeps picking up the pieces, not nearly as carefully as she should be because she manages to cut her finger. Rather than treat it right away, Ayumu just stares at the blood welling and starting to trickle down with a distant expression.

While emotions are outside his realm of expertise, medical caretaking fortunately is. At the sight of blood, Chikusa feels a certain kid of relief. This much he can do. He steps it the kitchen properly at last, shuffling over to the counter where he can put down the bowl and deposit the spoon into the sink. From there on, it's only a short distance before they get the small first aid kit that's kept about. You never know what sort of things will happen in a room that regularly sees fire messed around with and sharp tools handled.

Crouching before her, he begins to take out a slightly damp cloth. "Hand." It's an absentminded murmur, not quite an order if only because Chikusa's voice doesn't have any actual force in it. That would take work.

The quieter approach works well enough, anyway. Ayumu offers her injured hand without protest. It takes willpower and energy to argue that she simply doesn't have at the moment. What shreds of remaining strength she had left had been used up in her outburst at Hakkai. During the course of the moments she'd spent staring at her wound, a pleasant, soothing numbness had begun to wash over her. She lowers her gaze, content just let Chikusa tend to her hand.

He's young; she's an adult. She shouldn't be putting him in any more of a position to take care of her than she already has. But she needs this moment to allow herself to be weak.

It's what she is after all.

"Thanks," she murmurs just as absently.

Edited 2017-12-16 03:34 (UTC)

Working in silence doesn't bother him. He cleans up the wound well enough, and then makes sure to put on the appropriate bandaid onto it. It's not too bad; this should be good enough. Minor wounds aren't that bad.

It's when he's finished, everything back in its place in the kit, that Chikusa loses any other guidance as to what he should do again. "Do you want to stop cooking for the day?" he asks, for lack of any other idea. That's a lot of work in cleaning up, after all, and Chikusa knows he's the only one besides Ayumu that's remotely qualified for the task. Ken would try his best if asked, he's sure, but it's still Ken in the end.

Focus on the practical. It's his only decent backup plan.

"Yes. I don't think cooking will help anymore."

It's not as if any of them actually needs to eat anymore.

What will help is as much of a mystery to Ayumu as it is to him. She doesn't have all the answers. Sometimes she doesn't have any answers at all. Sometimes all she can do is tell lies and make others believe what's untrue, especially when she doesn't know the truth herself. But she's the exemplar, the adult; she can't help but feel obligated to fill in where her god can't or rather - won't. There's no doubt in her mind that someone that dedicated to destroying himself couldn't change himself for the better if he simply put his mind to it.

"But this still needs to be cleaned up. Maybe it'll help."

Focusing on monotonous tasks that don't take any mental or emotional toll is what she needs to calm herself down. Ayumu starts picking up broken shards again, this time a little more mindfully and with greater care than before.

Edited 2017-12-16 04:13 (UTC)

'Maybe'. An uncertainty, or possibly eve a lie, although Chikusa has no clue how to discern any difference between the two possibilities. Has something like this ever really helped him? It's allowed him to mentally leave, or given the opening for such a thing, but he knows Ken doesn't like that kind of thing. Maybe it's not helpful at all.

Still, there's only one way to find out in the end, so he nods and pushes himself up onto his feet again. He can at least start to put things in the sink that need to go there, and start shoving food out of the way. What they'll do with the cookie dough is an unknown; maybe Ken will eat it instead. One thing at a time, however, so he begins to clean up sections of the kitchen.

The entire time, Chikusa watches Ayumu carefully- both to make sure that she doesn't hurt herself again or start to lash out.

Outwardly, Ayumu looks calm enough, even if her body language and posture give more of a subdued impression. She's completely focused on the task of picking up the rest of the rest of broken shards and once all the larger pieces are safely gathered and in the trash, she starts scanning and sweeping the floor for any smaller bits she may have missed the first time.

Whether it's helpful or not, when one's emotions are as intense and unstable as Ayumu's have been since the moon viewing, sometimes simple escape is the only way she can find a few scattered moments of peace. After all her troubles with Hakkai, as well as the ones with herself, she'll do just about anything, harmful or not, to regain some semblance of control over her situation.

Mental departure is a safer option for others than launching into another destructive spree, isn't it? There's less bloodshed, less of a mess to clean up afterwards. It's more practical and efficient to approach her afterlife in this way. Besides, the more she represses, the healthier her god will be according to what she knows about the role of a shinki.

Despite her earlier outrage and whatever else is going on in her life, she's still a shinki and still has a duty to perform.

After working in silence for a while, the only sounds coming from her direction being the soft brushing of the broom across the floor, she finally speaks up in a quiet voice infused with false cheer.

"The dough should still be fine if you put it in the refrigerator. Chilling it before rolling it out might work better for cutting shapes."

Edited 2017-12-16 09:13 (UTC)

As long as she's not getting hurt again.... Then Chikusa supposes this is as fine as it can be. She can sweep, and he can wipe clean the counters, and they'll find Ken, later. Ken makes everything better, although Chikusa suspects that he's a little biased on that front. With his feelings towards the blond now firmly called out, he supposes he can't be anything but biased now.

Still... Carefully piling the dishes together in order of efficiency so that it'll be less bothersome to clean them later, Chikusa glances back at the distant way that Ayumu sweeps. Is that what he looks like, whenever he "goes away"? Is that what Ken sees when he's that way? Maybe, then... Ken really would be the best choice for her. His presence is always what's drawn Chikusa back from whatever happens to him. It's worth a shot.

Her voice snaps him out of his contemplations, and it takes a moment for Chikusa to absorb what she's said. Blinking, he takes his attention away from the task at hand to merely stare at her for a moment. The dough is fine, he has no issues about that, but-

"You're lying?" He sounds puzzled, more than anything.

"I always lie. It's how you survive in the adult world."

The bitter words slip out before she can stop them. Ayumu pauses, briefly wondering if she try to take them back if she even can but then just decides to leave it. The damage to her facade is already done. She's slipped up too many times in front of Chikusa already. What happened today is only the latest.

As Hakkai had pointed out in her early days here when she'd tried to explain just how small, confused, and frightened she felt by everything, she came into this world as an adult. Only unlike Hakkai, she hadn't had any memories at all. All she'd had was her duty and her god, not even herself. Sure, he'd told her to call him and offered to answer any questions she had but how could she? Her very existence in the Heavens felt like an imposition.

Ayumu had tried to forgive him. She'd wanted to forgive him. She'd even convinced herself she'd forgiven him. But it wasn't until today she's been able to realize that she never had and now she's not sure she can.

"I'm sorry, Chikusa-kun," she murmurs, not even knowing what she's apologizing for, blinking away swiftly forming tears. They're neither an act or a ploy to trick someone into lowering their guard. They're real, just as they'd been at the moon viewing.

Oh. Oh no. She's crying again.

Chikusa, much like at the moon viewing, freezes up once again as his brain tries to make a decision o how to deal with this. Really, he wishes this sort of thing would stop happening in general, or at least around him. He's well aware, as should everyone else be, that he has no idea how to handle this kind of thing. Emotion are a talent beyond him.

There's only one thing to do. Abandoning what he was doing completely, Chikusa shuffles over to one of the cupboards, pulls out one of the boxes of completed cookies, and then shuffles over to her with them held out in offering.

Food is the only answer he can think of here, and he's pretty sure he's taking a cue from Ken (on all fronts) for that one.

Ayumu should have kept her mouth shut. A pang of guilt goes through her, likely stinging their god wherever Hakkai's gone, and that causes another reflexive pang, too. She shouldn't cry, not in front of Chikusa, not in front of anyone. Dead or not, her junior shinki are too young to be burdened with taking care of her. They'd lost Hakkai, too.

She quickly wipes her eyes with her sleeve, taking the box of cookies from him. Dwelling on this right now isn't helping anyone. So instead, she tries to muster a real, if wobbly smile, and change the subject.

"Do you remember what kind these were?"

They've baked so many different kinds lately; it's hard to remember which cookies went in which box.

"You're still lying," is the murmured response, Chikusa's blink slow and laconic. It feels as though it bears mentioning, although he can't imagine what good it will do. People lie for all sorts of reasons, good or bad, and it's not as if he's judging, not necessarily... But, maybe, it's because he can't see any reason to when the effort goes to waste.

Maybe it's something like that. Chikusa still isn't sure himself.

With that said, however, he glances down at the box. "...Lemon flavored with white chocolate chip... I think."

it's a strange relief to be called out like that. She doesn't know why she lies as much as she does or how she came to weave them in such an intricate and seamless way that loses track of what's fact and fabrication. Ayumu had told him it was for survival, that it's how an adult's world operates, but is that true? But before she can ponder it further, that now familiar yawning abyss opens up in her mind, filling her with primal, irrational dread.

So it's another thing she isn't meant to think about like where she got her scars, how her wrist got broken, and why she's blind in her left eye.

Ayumu opens the box and takes out a cookie to examine.

"Looks like it," she takes a delicate bite of it, focusing on the flavor and texture in an attempt to ground herself to the now. Ayumu just chews for several long moments. "I don't know why I do it. I don't plan to. But it happens and it feels right for me."

It isn't as if Ayumu's had a whole lot of attentive, hands on guidance while she's been trying to figure out everything.

If she wants to take her sweet time in answering, that's fine, Chikusa supposes. It'd be hypocritical (although he doesn't really care if he is or not) to be against it considering how slow he can be in conversations. Instead, he just watches her, trying to understand. Even if people make so little sense to him most of the time... There has to be something he can pick up from watching, can't he?

When she finally answers, there's a low noise in the back of his throat to show he's heard while he takes a few moments to think over his own response. "It seems... like too much effort. Especially..." Another few seconds, to think on exactly what he wants to say. "...When it's already failed. Or when it just comes out anyway..."

Such as her response to Hakkai.

"Then I guess it's a way to comfort myself, to feel like I have one choice that can't be taken away from me. It's not like shinki have many advantages in this place, you know. We're not their equals. They have all the power and control. They have their own status, homes, means of providing for and protecting themselves..."

Ayumu hadn't meant to start going off into a tangential rant on the subject but it's a boiling resentment that's contributed a lot to her anger and bitterness toward Hakkai, too. To see a man have so much and repeatedly throw it away with one self-destructive act after another without so much as the slightest consideration for what it means for her, even after she warned him! What shinki wouldn't be furious chained to a god who thinks about her so little on a regular basis?

"Even if its pointless, it's something I can do."

Why is this starting to sound familiar.... Oh. The realization hits him quietly, with the only indication being one of his usual slow blinks. Once upon a time, he had to hear the same sort of words come out of Hakkai's mouth....

....but maybe he shouldn't say that name just yet. It seems like she could be.... annoyed at the comparison. Instead, Chikusa takes a cookie out himself and idly looks over it. A lot of them have come out alright. With how much time they've been spending on all of this, that's probably not surprising. There's really nowhere near enough room for all of them....

"You'll want to be careful thinking like that," he finally says quietly. "My second ablution.... involved a shinki who didn't feel like he was in control either. What he ended up doing... was taking on responsibility for things that he couldn't control. When they were all things that ended up failing... He took that guilt for his own and kept hoarding it." Like a god damn idiot, of course.

"Even if gods... especially the old guard that run everything... They might have a lot, but that doesn't mean they're perfect. There's still things we can do. Even without a name, or spells."

"Now look who's lying."

She'll regret saying this later; she doesn't like showing this degree of negativity to the young ones. But above all else, she's a realist. And the harsh truth of the situation is that many shinki are powerless or close enough to it to be defenseless. Look at her - she's half-blind, covered with scars, and her left wrist is aches terribly more often than not and doesn't even work right half the time. Maybe others have tools and talents at their disposal to help them through this but she doesn't.

All she has is a fragile human body, her wits, and her pride and even those are compromised. She doesn't even recognize or understand the world she's in most of the time. She's almost completely dependent on Hakkai and she hates it.

"I'm not afraid to turn. Maybe it'd be better if I did. Then Hakkai-san wouldn't have to concern himself with me at all. And I wouldn't be stuck here wondering why I'm so damn useless."

She's crying again. Ayumu doesn't even realize it until tears start sliding down her cheeks again and dripping onto the cookies. This isn't helping her and it sure can't be helping Chikusa either but it's she truly thinks and feels most of the time.

And it's why she lies so much to keep it hidden. So others don't have to feel burdened by her.

"I'm sorry, Chikusa-kun. Thank you for trying to help but I think I should just go lie down in my room for a while."

Belatedly, a little too late for some of the cookies to be speckled with tears, Chikusa pulls the box away. What affect it will have on their taste, he has no idea, but that's only a passing thought. Instead, setting them to the side, he looks at Ayumu properly again. This isn't quite like anything he's ever had to deal with during the ablutions... Just close enough to some. Hakkai had given in eventually with his god there waiting for him, but, well... Yuri had always seemed more dependable. Chikusa can't imagine the same thing happening with Ayumu and Hakkai.

"Axel-sama," he finally says quietly, "never used Ken." In fact, as time passed, he became more and more absent, not using either of them. Chikusa has always accepted that fact, assuming his god knew best.... but then it all culminated in his temple vanishing as much as the god had. "But that has never made Ken useless."

And if Ken isn't useless, then Ayumu can't be either.

....But that's probably enough. With the cookies set back down on the table, Chikusa starts to shuffle towards the door again. "....Okay. But I want to show you something first." Hopefully she follows after him. Chikusa doesn't really want to bother with having to persuade her too much. It's easier to simply hope that she'll go along with it, and that he can start to make his way up to the stairs where the various rooms lie. While there's been plenty of options for him and Ken to have their own separate rooms, the pair of them have, as they do in Roy's temple, opted instead to share one. In the time they've been here, they've brought a few things over to make it so that they at least have clean clothing.

.....Well. So that Chikusa has clean clothing. Ken's been a little more of a pain in that regard.

Regardless, it's there that Chikusa is heading.

It's on the tip of her tongue to argue, to point out that they're both still young. Neither of them are half-blind with a crippled wrist. They have understanding of a world that just irrationally frightens and confuses her in ways very few others seem to experience. Neither of them look at most basic things around them without knowing what they are or where to even begin formulating questions to ask about them.

But clearly Chikusa's trying to help. Shoving all of her own burdens off on him just isn't fair and self-pity accomplishes absolutely nothing. So she follows him, not even bothering to mask her glum, resigned expression. Ayumu has no idea what her junior shinki wants to show her but she has no reason to refuse either.

"Fine, I'll look at what you want me to see."

Despite being the domain, however temporary or not, of two teenage boys, the room isn't too bad off. Perhaps it helps that Ken isn't inclined to fling his clothes about everywhere, on the basis that he rarely ever changes his clothes. In fact, it doesn't seem as though Ken has thought to bring much with him that Chikusa hasn't himself.

Which leads, of course, to the lanky teen in question. There's no doubt that he's very neat, for a boy who hadn't really cared much about the thought of cleaning his hands before dinner. His large bag is tucked inconspiciuosly and out of sight, beneath the bed which is itself hidden by the large pile of blankets and pillows that have been amassed. Chikusa has to nudge it all out of the way before he can tug his bag out. Unzipping it reveals another bag... which is meant solely for beanie storage. Removing that to the side reveals layers of clothing, which also must be removed.... And there, at the bottom, is a long thin case.

Removing that reveals another layer of clothing to help muffle the sound of its weight, but Chikusa ignores that. Instead, he sits to the side on the edge of the bed, unlatching the case to go through it. A lot of equipment is stored inside- poisoning equipment mainly. He can't have a full set up, not nearly as much as he'd like. Honestly, more than once he's had to break into a lab or college science department for the tools he's needed. Still, this is good enough for on the go, including antitodes and holy water.

What has his attention, however, is another box stored carefully within the foam insides. This one has numerous latches on it, doing its best to keep the contents firmly inside. The reason for such safety methods will soon be clear. There's only a single vial within the case.... Yet the twisting viscous liquid within its meager glass confines is probably the most dangerous thing within the whole case. Ayumu has encountered ayakashi before. The revulsion which propels her gut should tell her, then, exactly what it is that Chikusa is holding carefully in his hands.

Ayumu watches impassively as Chikusa goes through his things, filing away her observations about his neatness, poisoning equipment, and how his bags are arranged out of habit. Her eye narrows a little bit at the vial's content. She does recognize the revulsion though in her mental state, she can't quite make the connection to ayakashi just yet.

"What is that?"

She asks outright, pointing to the vial, displaying sudden interest.

"Poison." But that's obvious. What's much more of interest is what he adds next. "Made from ayakashi... and carrying their blight."

The implications speak for themselves. Within the Far Shore, there's no end to the variety of people that can arrive as either shinki or gods. What poison will work on one might be useless on someone else. There's only one thing binding them all together....

...And which in turn is its own sort of vulnerability.

Chikusa speaks up again, after a moment. "I made it.... in my first month here." It had felt important to make a weapon he could use against anyone when he was still so weak and ignorant of both his role and the world he'd been forced into. Doubly so, when it felt like so many knew his god and for reasons that put a bad taste into his mouth. "I didn't need a god or anyone else... I made it on my own."

[closed] so tldr

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cw: self-harm-ish

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cw: depression, suicidal ideation

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