thenearshore | 23 - Crazy Cat Shuffle

Th-that's not true! [Looking after Komaeda is like looking after one of those fish that tries to fight its own reflection and just keeps bashing into the mirror over and over.

She flails one hand a moment before reaching for his arm] C-come on! You need to sit and, um, drink some water, at least! When's the last time you ate?

Ah, I had some miso soup this morning... [Komaeda doesn't resist her tugging; it's possible he wouldn't really be in any shape to if he wanted to, but he's not even trying. She is, effectively, using her Ultimate talent on him, isn't she? How could he be so ungrateful as to refuse it?

Especially when it's Mikan, really. There aren't many situations in which she's able to display her competence, or has the confidence to be anything remotely resembling assertive. So it's not often he gets to admire her talent...the one time he had the best opportunity to do so, he'd been deathly ill.

Also, unless the bowl of soup Komaeda had was pretty massive, he definitely has not been eating enough.]

Th-that's definitely not enough! [Mikan frowns, brow furrowing as she opens her bag and immediately pulls a sports drink out of it. It's not ideal, but--] The electrolytes in this should help a little, until we can get you something else to eat. There's a cafe near here... We should get you more soup, that way you can drink and eat slowly... If it's anything too heavy or dense it might make you sick to your stomach...

[She's mostly talking to herself here now, taking hold of his good hand to check his pulse rate at his wrist, using a near-by clock to keep count.]

Th-that's probably most of your problem right now... Have you been feeling ill for a while? Or is it just today? [Hopefully it's something just some food and rest will take care of.] E-either way, you should go home and rest! [Mikan pauses, hesitating, and then adds a ta more meekly:]

A-at least, um...That's my professional o-opinion...

[Komaeda takes the drink from her, although Mikan - in her professional fervor - snags his hand to take his pulse before he can open it, and his left hand certainly isn't functional or strong enough to manage it one-handed. He patiently waits for his other hand to be freed, with a vague smile and no complaints. This is just Mikan, after all.

Besides, she's taken excellent care of him before...the murders she committed while he was bedridden notwithstanding. Of course he'd trust her care.]

I think it's mostly the weakness from my pre-existing condition, really...I don't feel any less healthy than I usually do, but then I usually don't feel very healthy. I can't imagine my illness is actually dangerous anymore now that I'm a god - I'm sure it can't kill me - but godhood doesn't seem to have restored my body to any healthier a state than it was in before I died in the simulation. [He shrugs and smiles.]

I don't handle a lot of sudden exertion very well, so getting shoved around by the crowd was kind of awkward...but I think that's all it is. [And probably some not looking after his nutrition too well to compound it, from the sounds of it, but in terms of disinterest in his own well-being, that's pretty tame for Komaeda.]

[Mikan pauses, letting go of his wrist once she's satisfied--and absently she reaches out to unscrew the cap of the bottle too, just automatically moving through the motions of taking care of him when she sees something that needs to be done.

She'd known he was sick--What kind of Ultimate Nurse would she be if she couldn't notice something like that? Especially that obvious?--but she'd never really known the details.]

Komaeda-san... C-can I ask-- I mean, y-you don't have to tell me, obviously, but... What exactly are you sick with?

[She's definitely going to pester him to go eat something and like, take a nap though.]

Hm? Oh, I thought you might already know. [He takes a sip of the drink after Mikan opens it for him.] Thank you, Tsumiki-san...

Anyway, I have lymphoma. And frontotemporal dementia. When I was diagnosed in high school, they expected me to be dead within the year.

[So, you know, just casually terminally ill. And with a perfectly logical medical explanation for why his thinking is so messed up. Things he has apparently not bothered to share with people, up to and including his classmates.

Yeah, sounds like Komaeda.]

[Opens mouth. Closes mouth.]

E-Ehhh!? Th-that's--! [But clearly he didn't die within the year, she distinctly remembers and knows he's survived for quite a while. A miracle? Or his luck, somehow? Was being a god here really saving him from some untimely early death too?

But, most importantly--] Why... Didn't you ever tell us?

Well, it wasn't really important, was it? I don't think if even people with Ultimate medical talents can do anything about my condition. I mean, I definitely went to some of the best medical experts in the world - a number of them were Hope's Peak graduates. [Komaeda's always had the money for the best care possible.] And to distract the bastions of the world's hope with my mundane problems...it'd just be too presumptuous!

Besides, I wouldn't want anyone getting too close to me out of pity. Something terrible would happen to them. I'm kind of worried about all of you if you've started hanging around me in...well, I guess I'd have to call it my future? But I have to wonder what I'm thinking. I should know what's going to happen...have I really become that selfish?

But then I guess going to Hope's Peak at all was selfish of me...I thought that if I was going to die, I'd like to be around other people. And the Ultimate students of Hope's Peak are the most amazing people in the world, after all...! It wasn't very long after my diagnosis that I won the lottery to attend Hope's Peak. I don't think my luck would have come through for me in that lottery if I hadn't fallen terminally ill first...so I guess you could call my condition, my tuition! [He laughs.

Is it better or worse that Komaeda's just as smilingly morbid about himself as he is about anyone else?]

[She doesn't know where to begin with any of this. She'd always known that he had a low opinion of himself, especially compared to the other Ultimates, but it's always a shock to hear him go on a ramble like this. It was bad enough to hear him going on and on at the trials and all, though he seemed to have mellowed out a little since coming out of the simulation and all.

She doesn't know what to do. This isn't a medical problem she's equipped to handle--neither his diagnosis or his mental health issues. Apparently the typical way of handling it is to smack the other person if typical is to be believed, but Mikan doesn't have it in her to really do that. Not right now, anyhow.

She surges forward and throws her arms around him in a hug instead. Partly because he sees like he needs it, and partly so she can speak without really looking at him, which would be way too embarrassing.] I-it is important! Because... Because Komaeda-san is important to all of us! [For a...given value...of that. Look. He's their classmate. He's a god damn dumpster fire of a hot mess, but he's their dumpster fire of a hot mess.]

I mean... M-maybe we couldn't have helped, that's true, but... You should be able to trust us enough to know these important sorts of things about you... And, w-well, m-maybe I don't really, um, understand, a-and I can't i-imagine that sort of thing, so what I'm saying might not be a-accurate to reality, but... [That is, she doesn't have a terminal disease or anything, so she doesn't understand how hard it might be to talk about or why one might want to keep it hidden.]

But still! We've all been through a lot together. So, um... So... [Where is she going with this?? She doesn't remember now, floundering for words as she finally lets him go and sits back, frowning.]

So you should... Do everything to try and live as long as you can...

[Komaeda stiffens in what's mostly shock when Mikan hugs him; he really can't remember the last time someone's hugged him, and he suspects that would be true even if he had all of his memories. He just...hasn't been close to people for a very long time, in an emotional sense. And considering how much his classmates had seemed to hate and fear him on the island...he'd certainly never expected to receive a hug from any of them. Not unless it was some form of restraint while they grabbed proper ropes, anyway.]

I...appreciate the concern, Tsumiki-san... [And he does. It feels...kind of amazing, to have someone care so much about whether he lives or dies. The kind of amazing he's pretty sure he doesn't deserve, but absolutely wanted when he first started attending Hope's Peak.] But - aren't you thinking of very different people?

[He looks down at her.] I don't have my memories of any of you back...so I don't really remember being that close to any of you. I mean, not that I really mind that much if you all know, so that's not really a matter of trust to me, but...the classmates I knew didn't remember me, either. And you guys didn't really like me that much...or trust me at all. [He laughs a little.] And considering I tried to kill all of you, I guess that was justified! But what I mean to say is - the people I remember wouldn't have cared. I'm not even sure they would have believed me. Souda-san would probably have said I was just trying to make you all feel sorry for me. You all would probably have put me in a straitjacket to keep me from hurting myself or anyone else, actually...so I think the classmates you're thinking of, the ones who like me for some reason, are very different from the people I knew on the island. And I don't think it would have made a lot of sense to tell them then...and I can't really answer for why I didn't tell anyone back during the time we were in school together.

[He pauses for a moment, absently biting his lip as he thinks.] I suppose maybe I simply didn't want to trouble anyone...or perhaps I was so happy being around so many Ultimates that I forgot about it entirely? Or perhaps I couldn't bear the thought of being pitied by you all... [For someone who said he couldn't answer it, he's still apparently trying to come up with theories.

Then Mikan pulls away from him, and Komaeda finds himself disappointed. Physical affection...it felt so warm.]

My luck's kept me alive this long. As far as I know, it's the only thing that can at this point...

[It's true that Komaeda's always been a bit of a handful. He was strange even back then, but still... He was still their classmate. One that had been brought together with all of the, united by the combined efforts of their homeroom teacher and Chiaki Nanami.

She hesitates, not sure how to speak of it all or explain her thinking] It's... That might be true--we were different, because we didn't have our memories. [And Komaeda's brand of crazy didn't really help.]

But... I don't know. We were all together, we were a group. Classmates...and-- And friends. Any of us would be sad if one of our friends d-died. So... Maybe there's something new here we can try! And-And there's all sorts of magic and things like that... I" sure we can find something to help!

Well, I doubt anyone was sad when I died in the simulation... [Komaeda smiles, but there's a trace of bitterness to it.] But then I was threatening them with explosives, and trying to kill them, so that's probably my fault. And I guess things might be different with our memories intact...

Is my illness really something I need to worry about anymore, though? Like I said, I don't think it can kill me while I'm a god...and is there any guarantee we're ever going to go back to our old lives in the Near Shore? [Then he pauses, looking thoughtful.] Although I guess you do see me in my future there, don't you? Is that some other version of me, or does that mean I'm guaranteed to go back and live out that future...?

[Mikan had only gotten a brief overview of what had happened after her execution, but she flinches in surprise-- mentally she makes a note to ask for more about that a little later, but right now Komaeda presents a more pressing topic of discussion.

She's not really knowledgeable about these sorts of things, but she struggles to come up with an explanation anyhow.] T...Time travel...? I-I don't know. The Komaeda-san I met after we woke up didn't say anything about this sort of place...

But, then, maybe you--he?--forgot, or didn't get the chance with everything going on?

That sounds likely enough; memory problems are pretty common for us, aren't they?

And of course, even if I remembered, I might not have said anything. After all, coming up with a story like that out of the blue, with no evidence...you guys would have thought I was crazy!

[It's hard to tell if there's some bitter sarcasm in that statement, or if Komaeda's genuinely oblivious to the fact that most of his classmates already do believe that.]

[Komaeda please.]

Th-that's true... [Mikan is, fortunately or not, too polite to just say that outright to Komaeda's face. If he'd started talking about being a god in another world, they probably would've all just nodded and backed away slowly and chalked it up to whatever dream Komaeda had been having while out.]

But, this means, o-one day we might get another classmate who, um... Who is still...Ultimate Despair... [And then what'll they do??]

Well, if we do...that won't be too much of a problem, will it? [Komaeda laughs lightly.] After all, I doubt any of us were as dangerous - or contagious - when we were Ultimate Despair compared to Enoshima-chan. And we know that, even with their memories of Ultimate Despair, our classmates ultimately moved past that despair to become beacons of hope again! And you especially know how that happened. So we'll just help them overcome their despair.

M-maybe not as much as Enoshima-san, [And she wishes, for one brief instance, she had the gall to refer to her as something less polite like Komaeda did] but we were all.. Pretty dangerous. But, I suppose... It wouldn't be hard to break that if it was just them on their own...

[None of them had the massive charisma of Junko, after all, and on their own the only ones who could probably actually do severe damage in a short amount of time were Gundam, Nekomaru, Akane, or Peko. Maybe Sonia too, depending on how quickly people fell into line with her command. But thankfully all of them were able to be reasoned with well enough too.

She chews on her bottom lip a moment and speaks softly.] You can only say that, b-because... Because you don't remember... How awful we were...

[But Mikan shakes her head to break free of the darker thoughts.] But, y-you're right! If it's two against one, w-we can definitely help them! If any come in like that, w-we can't let them run lose. It's our r-responsibility to take care of them.

Why should how awful we were change what I think? [Komaeda's smile appears to be mild as usual, but there's something...cold about it, something implacable. Not in a personal way, but in the way the ocean is cold and implacable if you fall into it from fifty stories high. There's a finality to the way he speaks.] Hope will always defeat despair. The more awful we were, then the stronger the hope to combat us would be. So of course any friends who turn up still as members of Ultimate Despair will be saved, one way or another. We already know their despair can be crushed.

Originally I assumed we were so terrible that there was no saving us at all - that the only way hope could destroy the despair we represented was by killing us. But now, thanks to you, I know that's not true. So we're already not as terrible as I originally thought! And I don't see how knowing exactly what we did as Ultimate Despair would change that. I think I've already thought of us as badly as I possibly could, and I was mistaken! To think that we were like Enoshima-chan, where despair was so much a part of who we were that only death could get rid of it...in retrospect, it was kind of arrogant of me. Only the true Ultimate Despair could have despair so strong that it couldn't be overturned - that the despair itself couldn't be destroyed, only the body that was spreading it.

So, if anything...I overestimated how awful we were from the very beginning, Tsumiki-san. And I can understand your guilt and disgust for our time as Ultimate Despair, but don't give us more credit than we're due for that! We were always inferior copies; we could never have matched Enoshima-chan. Our despair was weak compared to hers, and weak despair isn't something we ever need to fear. At best, it deserves our contempt.

23 - Crazy Cat Shuffle

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