[closed] this is not the golden age of kindness

[sweetdeath]

Who: Tsuzuki Asato and Sakura
When: October 12
Where: Temple of Konohanasakuya-hime
What: Tsuzuki's gotten swept up in something he hadn't really expected, and the guilt is eating him up. He's got to talk this out.
Warnings: Mention of animal cruelty/death, violence and torture.

[Whatever Sakura was making for lunch smelled amazing, but it wasn't enough to overcome the leaden lump in Tsuzuki's gut. He hesitated by the side of the kitchen door, waiting for her to look up for a few seconds before nervousness overcame his patience.]

Hey-- Sakura?

[He took a step into the kitchen, swallowed, and tried to summon up an expression of confident calm.

It didn't feel like it was working.]

... Can we talk?

Comments

[festal]

( When she'd woken up to find blight on her, she'd immediately felt panic. What happened? Who was it? She didn't want to ask the wrong person and start unnecessary stress at the temple (things were just beginning to return to normal!). She'd tried to calm herself, thinking of what could have happened... Yamanbagiri and Charlotte had been home and she assumes they must have gone to bed not long after her. That only left... Tsuzuki who had gone out that night to work as usual. The logical conclusion is that something must have happened while he was out but she can't rule out the possibility that maybe Yamanbagiri and Charlotte had done something the night before or even earlier this morning before she'd gotten up.

She tends to herself quickly, trying to relieve the stinging with holy water and covering up so as not to worry anyone else who might see her. How should she approach this? Should she go to him directly? Or wait for him to come to her? If she's being blighted, something must be weighing on him terribly...

In the end, she decides that she can make do with the stinging pain for now. She'll wait to see if it passes. If it does, she'll make sure to generally check on everyone today. If if persists or gets worse... she'll get to the bottom of it.

It stays on her mind all morning and into the afternoon, constant and worrying. She's beginning to feel she might have to address it if it doesn't come up first. To keep her mind off of things, she'd decided to make lunch for the day. It's her usual fair-- traditional and light. And she's setting it aside so the others can help themselves when they're ready when--

She looks up quickly eyes flashing from worry to relief. So she was right. And just like he tries to present himself confidently and cooly, she also tries to stay calm and gentle, )

O-of course! ( Ah, she said that a little too quickly. ) I mean... yes, of course. Is... is everything all right? Do you want to sit down?

[sweetdeath]

[Tsuzuki rubs a hand across his mouth, shoulders slumping at her reaction. Of course he'd known she'd known. He must've been hurting her all day - and that thought, too, comes with another painful spike of guilt. He should've seen where things were going before they got bad. He should've stopped Gojyo and Ayumu. But he hadn't, and now, he doesn't really know what to do.]

Yeah, I guess... yeah.

[He lets his hand fall and heads for the table, settling down at one side of it.]

It's not - I mean, there's nothing wrong, really, but I guess I need your advice.

[He's twitching. He clasps his hands together on the table, trying to keep them still, and looks down.]

When I got to the bar yesterday, uh. [Start at the beginning, he tells himself, and his fingers tighten on each other.] So, Gojyo adopted this stray dog last week, and he's been stopping some petty crime around the neighborhood lately, when he catches people trying to pull anything.

[festal]

( She tenses, standing straighter and holding her hands tightly in front of her, bracing herself as she feels another pang of pain go through her. She tries her best to be strong and to not show him what she's feeling. Tsuzuki is kind and the more aware he was of what she was feeling, the worse he would feel. She has to steel herself, letting out a slow and controlled breath as she goes to meet him, )

Anything.

( Anything at all. If anything is wrong or if he needs something from her, she'll do what she can to make him feel better. Because when he hurts, she hurts too.

Her eyes wander to his hands and without a thought, she reaches for them, trying to get him to relax. He's tense. She's never seen him this tense before. It doesn't suit him. )

Yes... I've met him before.

( She's following along fine so far. So Gojyo adopted a stray dog and the neighborhood isn't nice? These are interesting details to mention but she stops her mind from wandering so Tsuzuki can continue. )

[sweetdeath]

[She reaches for his hands, and Tsuzuki startles, then unclenches his fingers from each other, turning his hands palm up as he smiles up at her. His eyes are still sad, despite the smile. She's nicer than he deserves. He should've--

He's been hurting her, and he knows it, so he turns his thoughts aside from that should have, taking a deep breath.]

So, apparently, he ticked off some nasty people. When he got back to the bar to open up yesterday, they'd-- they killed Buddy. Uh, the dog.

He was -- I mean, it really upset him, you know? And Ayumu. [He takes another deep breath.] And me.

And he wanted to go get those guys back. I couldn't let him go on his own!

[He winces at the sound of his voice. He sounds pleading. Maybe he is just making excuses.]

I didn't know how far he was going to go. I think... I think he and Ayumu killed a bunch of them.

[His hands tighten on hers.] I don't know what to do.

[festal]

( When he smiles at her, she can only smile back. Her's is as nervous and encouraging as his is sad but just as he's always been there for her, it's her turn to be here for him. As soon as he explains, her expression drops. Her heart hurts and she finds herself overflowing with grief and concern. It was bad enough to hear that their dog had been killed-- she thinks of their own dog back home in Hoshido and... even if it's an animal, it's still family and it hurts like losing family.

Tsuzuki continues and she feels herself becoming dizzy. Gojyo decided to go after them. She doesn't know him well but her imagination is already running wild. She can guess what he means by "get back" but what he says goes beyond her imagination. He killed people? This was more than just "getting back" at someone. This is revenge and she understands how that can be. She understands how ugly and devastating revenge can be once it falls on someone and... She's hurt, she's sad, she's afraid but now isn't about her. This isn't about her and she needs to be brave and strong for Tsuzuki.

Holding his hands tighter, she gives his hands a squeeze and keeps her gaze on him. She's absolutely no good at hiding her emotions so she's easy to read but for all of these feelings, what she doesn't feel is disappointment. There's no judgement and only concern as she tries to find the right words to say and figure out the right course of action. There's a moment of thoughtful silence before she finally responds, )

What did you do? ( He couldn't let Gojyo go on his own so what did Tsuzuki do? What was his involvement? Secondly, ) And how are you feeling now? I... I want you to tell me everything.

( She can feel it and she can sense it but she doesn't need to know his feelings for her own sake. This is all hanging over Tsuzuki heavily and she wants to lighten the burden, whether it be by taking his confession, sharing the weight, or both. )

[sweetdeath]

[Tsuzuki's smile falters and fails. She looks so worried that it sparks another flicker of guilt: he should've known better than to get involved in this, but she's forgiving him so easily. It's not fair. It's-- okay.

Okay: he's got to focus on telling her what she wants to know, he tells himself, with a shaky breath. He can't let himself wallow in it. That hurts her.]

I didn't... I mean, they told me to watch the front door. Nobody got out, and no one tried to get in, so I guess I didn't do anything.

[He frees one hand from hers to rub it over his face, hard. His eyes are stinging, though he's not crying, not yet.]

I feel like I should've. I just let them kill those guys. And, I guess, I didn't really -- I didn't think they'd go that far.

[festal]

( He'd gone all the way with them only to be left behind at the entrance. She wonders if that was their way of keeping him out of trouble. Some sort of small mercy in all of this? She wonders if she should feel grateful or not for that. )

You... you believed in them. You didn't think anything like that would happen s-so you trusted them. ( And that, she can understand and empathize with. She's always been the type of person to put her trust in others. ) I understand that. I even understand... w-what it feels like to misplace that trust.

When I began to feel this ache... I was so afraid! I didn't know what had happened but I feared the worst. But right now... you're here. You're here a-and safe and sound and perhaps it's selfish of me to think this when it's troubling you so much but... I'm glad you weren't involved. ( She squeezes his hand with both of her own, holding it firmly but gently, ) Your hands are clean and right now, you're safe.

... And it's because you're here that we can make things a little more right. There are things that can't be taken back... but because there are things that have been done, we simply can't sit quietly.

( It isn't much. It feels so small. But she has an idea and that must be the beginning of something, right? )

[sweetdeath]

[A tear slips free of Tsuzuki's eye, and he scrubs his face hastily, wiping it away. He doesn't want Sakura to see him crying. He just--]

I don't think I could. I --

I mean. [He meets her gaze, and swallows.] I'm already dead. I can't make that kind of decision about someone who's alive, no matter how awful they are, or what they did. But I don't know what to do about it.

I mean, I doubt those guys were only hurting dogs. Somebody had to stop them, but I don't... I don't think they deserved to die.

[His hands aren't clean, and that thought makes his eyes well up again. He'd let it happen, even if he wasn't holding a knife or gun. He hadn't done a thing to stop them, and he'd known they were at least going to beat the gang up, even if he hadn't expected them to kill.]