[closed]

[kagenonadeshiko]

Who: Ayumu Yamazaki and Sanzang
When: November 4
Where: Temple of Kanzeon
What: After her walk of shame back from Hakkai's place, Ayumu's sobered up enough to realize the full extent of what she's done and is dire need of meditation, girl talk, and bonding time with her goddess.
Warnings: Mentions of alcohol, sex, and terrible life choices? Possible allusions to past rape trauma and recovery if it comes up but that's about it. Very brief mention of vomit in the starting post. Will update with others if needed!


[Dawn's first light barely touched the sky when Ayumu finally slinks back into the temple in last night's clothes. Her head's bowed, her still kiss-swollen lips set into a sulky pout, and her hair's disheveled. In addition to forgetting her scarf, Ayumu's only wearing one of the butterfly hairclips she'd had when she left yesterday after leaving it on Hakkai's dresser in her haste to escape the temple before anyone woke up. The thought of anyone she knew in Heaven seeing her hungover and messy with bloodshot eyes made her face burn with humiliation all the way home. Really, the only bright spot is that she only threw up once.

(It'd splashed onto the gate of the temple to some old god that Hakkai didn't like though so Ayumu quickly moved on.)

Ayumu attempts to be discreet when re-entering Kanzeon's temple, hoping that any sounds she makes can be dismissed as the monkeys moving around, because a kunoichi with a terrible hangover isn't nearly as subtle or stealthy as she wants to be. Especially when it's likely her goddess has been jolted awake by the scorpion-like stings happening while Ayumu come to the full realization of what she'd done the night before.

The back of Ayumu's neck, hidden by her hair, is turning an ugly purple as she heads straight to the hotspring. Within moments of arrival, she's tearing at her clothes in an attempt to get into the water quickly as possible to soak away all the shame and embarrassment she felt.

What the hell had she been thinking?

Nothing. That's what. And now she's done something she can never take back. Again. Ayumu just never learns, does she?

The boiling anger at herself and guilt stays with her all day, despite repeated attempts to squash it down or get rid of it. It's then that Ayumu remembers the meditation she learned from her goddess. She's been trying to practice several times a day and it has helped; it's just now that the emotions she's experiencing are too jumbled, intense, and unfamiliar for her to be able to recognize or handle by herself.

So Ayumu gathers up Kishi who's been even more affectionate than usual today, sensing her mood in that way animals often seem to do. The four new kittens she'd brought home must be somewhere else in the temple, maybe with Sanzang. If not, they'll need to be tracked down before she goes to sleep just to make sure they're nowhere they're not supposed to be or where they might get into trouble.

So that night, Ayumu heads over to Sanzang's room, lightly knocking on the doorframe. Her voice is small and subdued when she calls out.]

Sanzang? Are you still awake?

Comments

[sanzohoshi]

[The worst action someone can take is inaction. That's something that Sanzang, usually, firmly believes in. It's better to do something, anything, than nothing at all.

But she's also a fan of letting individuals come to their own conclusions and try to work things out for themselves first. So this isn't inaction, she tells herself, this is waiting. Waiting to see Ayu's response, waiting to see if she'll come to Sanzang first or wok through her problems on her own. As nosy as Sanzang is, she's not going to pry into her shinki's love life--or sex life, or whatever it is.

She knows Ayu went to Hakkai's--thanks that weird sense that lets gods know where their shinki are at at all times--and she can...sort of suspect what happened. She doesn't judge. In fact, in the light of everything that's been happening it's probably not a bad idea to lose oneself like that. Maybe Sanzang could benefit from something like it too-- Though maaybe not with Hakkai.

Still, Sanzang figures it's Ayu's business and she's been busy herself moping after the loss of Sharak. Didn't this leave her as the only 'Sanzo' around now? And she was barely that for them. What was wrong with her? It felt like she'd fallen into open water and was barely keeping her head up. That she'd grown too reclusive in her mild depression or... Something. There wasn't really any good excuses except that she was allowing herself to be irresponsible and complacent and it had to change.

So she resolved that, if Ayu didn't come to her first and stop the mild stings of blight from whatever guilt she was feeling, Sanzang would confront her in two days time.

Luckily, she apparently doesn't have to do that since Ayu's knocking on her door.]

Come on in, Ayu-chan! I'm still up! [up because she's horded the kittens in her room and at least two of them are still awake enough to be playing around. She isn't sure where the third is, but the fourth is curled up with Sanzang on the bed. Sanzang lays on her side facing the door, head propped up on a fist, and she flashes a smile at Ayu when she opens the door]

Can't sleep?

[kagenonadeshiko]

I'm afraid not.

[Ayumu coming to Sanzang's room when she can't sleep isn't exactly a rare occurrence though she has been sleeping a little more easily in her own bed since Hakkai gave her Kishi and Musha to take home. The pair have slept almost exclusively with her since their arrival, much like they did when she was still living with her former god, but they've started warming up to Sanzang, too. As for the kittens, Ayumu doesn't mind if her goddess keeps them close to her. She'd brought them home for the other woman's benefit, too, after all. Kittens might not solve all of Sanzang's problems but she's hoped they'd be a cheerful distraction from them.

Ayumu leaves the door open just enough for Musha to enter should she wish to and sits down, releasing the young cat in her arms onto the bed. Kishi pads over to nose Sanzang curiously.

She's not quite sure how to initiate this conversation so she starts out with a fairly innocuous question but one she's genuinely interested in the answer to.]

How are you feeling?

[Because as preoccupied as Ayumu has been, she does care for her new goddess and wants to make sure things are going well or at least showing signs of a potential upward swing before dumping her own problems on her.]

[sanzohoshi]

[Sanzang hums at the question and doesn't answer right away. The normal answer probably should've been a, 'oh, just fine!' and moving along, but with those closer to her Sanzang doesn't really half-ass answers.]

Better. [Is what she decides on, her smile sardonic] I've been moping long enough, I think. It's time to get over it. I have too many important things to do to let myself get hung up over something like this, right?

It's kind of embarrassing for someone my age. [She laughs though and smiles easily.] But this isn't about me, is it. What's on your mind, Ayu-chan?

[She stops petting the kittens too, sort of shooing them off (she does pause to give Kishi some pets though) and opening her arm in an invitation for Ayu to come cuddle up if she needs to]

[kagenonadeshiko]

[It's a relief to hear that Sanzang's accepting her loss and moving forward from it. Ayumu's been a bit worried about her spending too much time alone so she's been making more of an effort to devote time to her exclusively every day, even if it's just chatting about silly stuff and curling up with her to watch television. Ayumu's begun to actively look forward to what she's labelled as 'Sanzang Time' each day. It's a bright spot in her routine.

So Ayumu's quick to take her goddess up on her offer of cuddles, snuggling up under her arm, and turning face her. Kishi flops down on a corner of the bed, tail swishing, while one of the more awake kittens starts to bat her paw at his tail.]

I slept with Hakkai last night. He was drunk when I got there. I probably should have left but he was so upset about Sanzo-sama's disappearance that I stayed. I had too much to drink, too, and we got to talking about marriage and children and love. One thing led to another and well, it happened.

[Ayumu wouldn't be this direct about the subject with anyone else. But it hadn't taken long at all for Sanzang to charm her way into Ayumu's inner circle of friends. She's quiet a long moment, trying to pinpoint exactly what about the experience set her off this way.]

Things have always been a little complicated between Hakkai and me but we've never been anything more than friends. And we're still not. I'm just so disappointed in myself.

[sanzohoshi]

[Sanzang rests her arm round Ayumu, thinking herself fully prepared for where this talk might go.

She was wrong.

Oh alright we're just jumping right in feet first, she sees.] Oh!

[Oh.

Sanzang knows why Ayu might have some blight-y feelings about it all; she did see how she died, after all. She supposes some traumas never fully leave, even without the memory context for them. She pets Ayu's hair soothingly as she thinks of where to begin on a response.]

Well... I certainly don't think there's anything to be ashamed of there, but I'm not about to tell you how you should or shouldn't feel.

Are you disappointed because you feel like you gave in or had a moment of weakness?

[kagenonadeshiko]

[The pets help steady her, calming her nerves. Ayumu listens, just focusing on that gentle touch a moment while she struggles to make sense of herself. She'd been fine during the act itself, even enjoyed herself quite a bit. So why does she feel this way now? Is disappointment even the right label for how bad she feels about something she'd felt good about the night before?

Ayumu just breathes in and out quietly for a minute before finally speaking in a quiet murmur:]

I don't know. A friend of mine did something similar recently and I advised him against getting into impulsive flings... I feel like such a liar. Like I let him down somehow. And it's stupid. We aren't a couple. There's nothing to betray.

[It's hard, trying to apply logic and current memories to what she feels. She's being irrational. She did nothing wrong. But she feels like punishing herself anyway.]

It was so nice before. But it's not now and I don't know why.

[Ayumu's really not making any sense so she offers Sanzang a pained but apologetic smile.]

[sanzohoshi]

You're only human. I mean, a shinki, but human still all the same. Maybe you feel like a hypocrite, but I don't think it's bad to have 'flings.' I doubt your friend would feel let down at all--you and Hakkai comforted each other during a pretty stressing time. Sex is good for that kind of thing, if both of you are okay with it just being that.

...I think... It's best to go into and leave that kind of thing on equal footing and expectations. Neither of you expect anything more out of this, right? And it's only going to be as awkward as you allow it to be. You're both adults, so I trust you can both act like it. [Sanzang pauses here.] ...Well, I trust you can act like it... Hakkai might need a kick in the head a few times...

[Given how he'd handled the whole Gojyo fiasco and how, you know, open to his feelings he always is in general.]

I think in general we're conditioned to see this sort of thing as 'dirty' or 'wrong.' But I don't think it's supposed to be like that at all. It feels nice and it's fun, and it's not harming anyone when everyone knows what they're getting into and agrees to it and all, so how could it be bad? [Again, Sanzang knows the real reasons behind Ayu's reservations to it all, and it kills her that she can't bring it up and really help her through the actual reasons without turning her into a freakish monstrosity.]

...I used to think like that too, but... When you gt to be as old as I am, you start to realize the silly things humans put too much importance into. There's nothing wrong with it, and there's nothing wrong with enjoying it or having your fun.

[Sanzang goes quiet a moment and then starts to laugh, leaning in to press a kiss to Ayu's head in a sort of apology] I feel like I just went off into a big lecture.

[kagenonadeshiko]

[This approach is working, too, for treating the symptoms, at least. Some of the tension in Ayumu's body begins to dissipate, the bad feelings slowly starting to recede again like the tide into the ocean. The rapid response to Sanzang's words isn't exactly a strong sign of emotional stability but it's something.]

It did feel nice. I felt desirable. It was the heat of the moment but he called me beautiful and that felt good. And it was good to see him let go a little and just enjoy relax and enjoy himself for a change instead of always brooding.

[This is helping, too, redirecting her toward the positive aspects and things she genuinely liked. And hearing more of Sanzang's perspective and unique experiences broadens Ayumu's horizons as well.]

I made sure to say it was just for one night before we did anything and he agreed.

[Maybe Ayumu is getting herself too worked up and beating herself up more than she should over this. Impulsively, she leans over and kisses Sanzang on the cheek, giving her a more relieved smile.]

Thank you. I think I feel a little better now.

[sanzohoshi]

[Sanzang giggles a little at the kiss and hugs Ayu tight] That's what I'm here for!

[She laughs lightly] Frankly, I think you've got the right idea. [Her fingers twirl some of Ayu's hair around, letting it fall through them before picking it up and repeating the cycle.] Maybe I should get drunk with Hakkai.

[But then she laughs quickly and shakes her head] Just kidding! I think that'd be a little too strange, even for us. [Another soft laugh]

I just love to love. I love my friends, I love humans... I just don't think it's a bad thing or anything to be ashamed of.

[kagenonadeshiko]

[It feels like a very different outlook for Ayumu somehow, not viewing her feelings as a source of weakness or shame. Or something to rid herself of or dismiss and ignore when making decisions. But her first reflexes of stomping them out confuse her more than constant tangle of feelings she doesn't know what to name much less deal with appropriately.

For a moment, Ayumu just snuggles up to her goddess, basking in the attention and affection like a cat lazing in a sunbeam.]

Hakkai's pleasant company. Even more once he starts to let go and relaxes.

[A soft smile spreads across her face at the memory. His flustered moments had been cute but they usually were. Dwelling on that too much is dangerous though so Ayumu turns her attention to what Sanzang had just said. Maybe her goddess could benefit from that kind of company....

After a moment, she speaks, considerably more relaxed and content, at least for now.]

What are your preferences? I might know a person.

[sanzohoshi]

Hakkai relaxes? [Sanzan adopts a fake little gasp of alarm at the idea, then giggles.] Careful he doesn't overhear you telling people! He might not like people knowing his dirty secret of having human emotions.

[Okay that was a little mean, but Sanzang giggles again and buries her face in Ayu's hair to muffle it a little.] Ahh, it's not so much like that, I know... I do like this version of Hakkai. But sometimes he makes it too easy to tease him!

[She leans back with a thoughtful hum] As for preferences... Ah, I suppose I'm not really picky. That doesn't make it easy for you though, huh? I like... Beautiful people. And people that remind me of the sun, I guess... And people who are strong!

...I feel like that's still a little too broad. Aha!

[kagenonadeshiko]

[Ayumu hums softly, thinking carefully. There's certainly a number of beautiful people in Heaven, Sanzang herself, being one of the most beautiful in her own opinion. So she'll need to find someone just as beautiful, or at the very least, compelling enough to make for an interesting match. 'Like the sun' is a bit trickier. D2 reminds Ayumu of the sun and he has a very lovely personality but he seems he might be more suited for something a little deeper than a one-night tryst. But he's also very blond and she's a little concerned that another blond while Sanzang's moving on from Sanzo might set her back too much.

While she's thinking, Kishi jumps back onto the bed, meowing plaintively. Someone's feeling ignored, it seems.]

Well, there's this one young man that I met recently.... A fellow named Judar. He's very pretty and he's interesting to talk to, too. And I bet he'd be open to a night of fun. He's very... forward about such things.

[Ayumu doesn't know him very well yet but he did proposition her for sex without meeting her face to face. And maybe there's a bit of a selfish desire to get a potential rival for Lavi's affections out of the way. Well, once she figures things out what she's going to say to him. 'I know we both slept with someone else but I think I like you as more than a friend' isn't exactly a gentle or romantic approach to the situation.]

[sanzohoshi]

Judar... [The name isn't familiar, but it's a nice name, she thinks. Sanzang's attention turns briefly to Kishi to give the cat some pets and attention.]

Well, why not? I think it'd be fun. You should introduce us sometime! [She tilts her head and smiles lightly] Is matchmaking going to be your new hobby, Ayu-chan?