thenearshore | won't you take me

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won't you take me

Who: The Li Tieguai clusterfuck
What: Well, we're out of a shitty haunted forest, who wants dinner?
When: November 16, evening
Where: Li Tieguai's Temple

Usually, when there's some big nonsense in Heaven, Chikusa can be found out cold or "away" in his own head for most of the following couple of days afterwards... but that apparently only counts for event which involve people. Spending an entire day trekking through a possessed forest filled with violent plant-life and cultists is manageable.... somehow.

No matter how exhausted or injured anyone in the temple is, food still has to be made, and Hakka is in no condition to make it. Thus, dinner is being arranged by the other cook in the house, and invitations have been sent out to the relevant people Chikusa thinks care- namely Nanako and Ayumu, along with anyone they seek to bring. That doesn't mean people checking in on the Li Tieguai temple can't just waltz right into the dinner as well....

There's a lot to do in the time leading up to dinner, after all, depending on when people show up (or, you know, realize there's smells coming from the kitchen). Bon, the resident enormous Tibetan Mastiff, demands attention in the form of bodily flinging himself at people. There's a goat in the garden, tied away from all the important medical herbs. At least four different nekomata wander in and out of the temple ground whenever they please, including Pookie, the most permanent resident, and never shut up.... Not to mention that a Kung-Fu movie has been put on the television for people to watch.

There's also a sign on all entrances to the kitchen that says: CHO HAKKAI IS NOT ALLOWED TO COOK. Presumably Chikusa put it up while making direct eye contact with him.

Either way, mess around until dinner, have dinner, crash in the living room where another kung-fu movie has been put on again... Have fun.

Oh, and before it can be forgotten.... The dinner menu for the night is fritto misto, meaty Amatriciana sauce with bucatini noodles, and all the garlic bread in the world apparently. For dessert? Cannoli again. That... might be all he knows how to make on the dessert front.

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[ Well. Okay.

That answers that question.

He'd been expecting to be turned down when he finally got around to asking Hakkai about them, about the possibility of them... but he'd been hoping for that blank little smile and a polite rejection. A condescending pat on the head, maybe. Or shock, and disgust, and a quick change of the subject.

This is okay, though. At least he has his answer. Gojyo watches Hakkai leave, feeling the bottom drop out of his stomach with every step. What's the worst that can happen? Ken had crowed. It's almost funny. ]

He promised he'd stay, and he'll keep his promise. But he doesn't have to stay anywhere Hakkai will be forced to see him. Once Hakkai's out of the room Gojyo forces himself up, and then up the stairs. His room is small, but that's perfect -- he won't be able to get into any more trouble up there. ]

[There's a part of him, at first, that's pathetically grateful Gojyo hadn't followed him. It lasts long enough for him to not-quite-collapse down onto the back porch stairs. He breathes. Eventually, the shocked vulnerability starts to fade, and a more rational part of his brain murmurs:

Why hadn't Gojyo followed him?

Could it be, perhaps, that the admission was as vulnerable a moment for him as it had become for Hakkai?

Can he even safely say, I don't remember that, or must he remain silent? He swallows; his mouth is dry, and tastes of bile and cannoli cream. He hopes he can say something. He thinks he might have to say something, or risk pushing Gojyo away, again.

(He thinks he might be Gojyo's last log, right now, and though he hopes Gojyo remembers how to swim, it's only fair that he repay the favor.)

Weariness hits him as he stands up, and he wrinkles his nose. Staying on his feet and moving normally is enough to occupy his mind all the way into the sitting room, where the couch proves empty.

He closes his eyes. Two faint tugs lead him to the backyard, and there's a wash of emotion there that's not his own, and that leads him to suspect that those two are Chikusa and Ken. Gojyo, then, is the guilty sharp tightness in his chest, or at least the parts of it that aren't his own. Upstairs. Climbing the stairs at a normal pace, too, turns out to be enough to occupy his attention for the next twenty seconds before he has to rap his knuckles against Gojyo's doorframe.]

May I come in?

[ There's a knock at the door -- that'll be Hakkai, calmed down enough to come tell him to get out. Well, Gojyo's got no plans to make that hard on him.

He quickly checks his neck for blight -- his fingers come away clean, to his surprise -- and he schools his face into as blank an expression as he can before opening the door. ]

Let me save you the trouble. [ Still, he steps back a pace, in case Hakkai really does need to do this more privately. ] I can go to the bar, there's a futon there still. It should be safe by now.

I came to apologize, actually.

[Gojyo steps back; Hakkai, who very desperately doesn't want to have this conversation in the hall, steps inside, and leans back against the wall beside the door, trying to make it look casual and not as if he's exhausted from climbing the stairs.]

I shouldn't have reacted that way. You startled me.

I'm sorry.

[ Hakkai leans against the wall, putting as much space between himself and Gojyo as he can. Taking the hint Gojyo closes the door, then crosses the room to stand against the far wall, hands loose and useless at his sides. There's a chair by the desk, if Hakkai needs to sit -- Gojyo wouldn't dream of inviting him to sit on the bed. Not today. ]

I shouldn't have said that.

[For now, Hakkai's staying where he is. He could sit down, he supposes, but despite his exhaustion, he's too tense for that. He crosses his arms, instead, and leans slightly more of his weight against the wall.]

If you remember it, then -- it's just that I don't --

[Ah, this is going even more awkwardly than he'd thought.]

... sometimes, we remember different times, you see.

[ Well, that was unexpected. Although, really, he should have considered that option. ]

Yeah. Sometimes we don't have to same memories, I get that.

[ It just means that that's not the route they chose to get Hakkai to be drawn to him. Thinking about it, he really definitely should have guessed that. Hakkai's not a physical guy, is he? Not like that. He remembers, what, a friend? That's what he's been trying to get Gojyo to be from the beginning. And Gojyo responded by laughing about how many times he'd thought about Hakkai naked. He'd been so stupidly wrong about what Hakkai wanted from him, and he'd ruined their friendship. Again. ]

I'm really goddamn sorry.

It's not that different.

[It's not that he wouldn't have. It's just that they hadn't, between constantly fighting for their lives, injury, awkward proximity to Sanzo and Goku, and Hakkai not knowing how to say anything about --

-- well. He ducks his head.]

It's not that I don't...

[It's not that I don't love you.]

Do you remember when I first named you? You asked me, and I said, 'but you don't even like me.' I still don't know if you like me.

[He glances up, briefly, mouth quirking in a effort at a smile.]

Wanting me isn't the same.

I don't know you.

[ It's a simple answer, and it's nothing but the truth. Gojyo rubs at the knuckles of his wrong hand, looking everywhere but at Hakkai. He'd been doing so well keeping his guilt in check, but here, face to face with Hakkai? He can feel the blight spreading across the back of his neck, and it makes him want to put his fist through the wall. Why can't he control this shit? ]

I'm not here because I remember you, or because I want you. [ He does. He really does, but is that him or his memories? How can he ever know? ] I thought, if you had the same memories I did, that you'd want me. You'd want to help me, [ --he corrects himself. ] People around me keep getting hurt because of me, Hakkai, and I don't have anywhere else to go.

[ His voice trails off, and he squeezes his one hand with the other hard enough that his fingertips throb. Well that was pathetic. ]

No, you don't.

[And that's fine. It's nothing but the truth, after all, and Gojyo can get to know him again, regardless of what he remembers. Not knowing him is different from hating him, or being disgusted by him, or wanting him dead (or gone, at least; or forgotten.)

Gojyo's squeezing his tattoo-streaked hand hard enough that his fingertips are nearly white. Hakkai uncrosses his arms and pushes himself away from the wall, stepping towards him, reaching for that hand to loosen his grip before he hurts himself.]

I remember some of it, if not all. I want to help you.

[The sting of Gojyo's guilt is fierce. Hakkai blinks against it, forcing his tone to stay level.]

I've wanted to help you. I'm not very good at it, of course.

[ Ayumu (and Tsuzuki too) almost died because of him, because of his mistake, because of his stupidity. It'll be a long time before he can be right with himself over that. ]

Hakkai...

[ Hakkai reaches for his hand and Gojyo holds it out, not understanding -- and not really caring about -- his intent. If Hakkai wants his hand for some reason, he can have it. ]

I'm just going to keep fucking up. [ He manages a wry laugh. ] Chikusa said he's gonna push me down the stairs when I fuck up. If I stay here I'm just gonna be one big bruise.

[Gojyo holds his hand out, and Hakkai blinks again: he'd only wanted to keep Gojyo from doing damage, not knowing how well the circulation had been restored in that transplanted arm. He takes Gojyo's hand, regardless, turning it palm up and looking down at the lines there. Life, that's the upper line; love is the lower....]

Yes, well, it could be educational.

Besides, Chikusa doesn't move very quickly. I'm sure you can dodge.

[Gojyo's lifeline is longer than his own, he reflects, and wonders again about memory, and when it might be that their souls were really drawn here. More quietly, he continues.]

I probably will, too.

[ The lifeline should be short, on that hand. After all, the owner's dead.

Although, really, the owner of the other hand is dead, too. ]

What did I say, earlier? To make you leave? [ The only way he's going to get better at being a person is to confront his mistakes head-on, he thinks. He's tried ignoring them, running from them, drowning them. Nothing worked. Will this work? What else can he try, if this doesn't work? ] It was because I've been thinkin' about you that way, right? When it wasn't real?

No.

[Hakkai's head is still bowed; he traces the edge of the deepest line in Gojyo's palm with his thumb, before his fingers still, and he speaks again.]

It could be real, and something that hasn't happened yet, for me.

It was because I didn't know that's how you knew how I feel.

[ That's not how Hakkai feels, Gojyo wants to yell. That's just his memories lying to him. For the six months Gojyo's been here he's been nothing but mean to Hakkai -- anything good between them is false, put there by the heavens to bring them together.

Does that matter, though? Everyone's been telling him it doesn't matter, so maybe... maybe it's time he listened. Maybe it's time to put aside one more thing that he thinks he knows, and try trusting other ideas. ]

It was a really good memory. [ Hakkai's touch is so gentle that it's raising goosebumps all along Gojyo's arm; he has to close his eyes to stop from shivering. ] You looked at me like I was the best thing in the world. You looked so happy.

[ There's no more guilt on the shinki connection. It's all just longing, bright and fierce need. Gojyo's been doing so much better the few weeks he's been at the temple -- he needs people around, friends and casual enemies both -- but there's still an empty place in his chest, and it aches to be touched.

He opens his eyes, and all he can see is the top of Hakkai's head, unevenly cut dark hair above a too-pale face. He's still not recovered, is he? And here's Gojyo, making Hakkai burn through what little energy he's got left to comfort him. He should pull back, make Hakkai sit, eat, sleep... but he's just not that strong right now. ]

I've been such an asshole to you. I don't know how to make it better.

[It would be easy to lean forward and hold him, and Hakkai wants to, so desperately that he finds himself resisting on principle. What principle, he couldn't say. Whether it's all his own desire...

... he couldn't say, with Gojyo looking at him and describing a memory of the two of them in bed, and Chikusa and Ken probably making out in the backyard by now. But it's not all someone else's.

His hand curls protectively around Gojyo's.]

Well, Chikusa's planning to push you down the stairs quite a bit, so.

[It's a kind of atonement. Despite the words, his tone isn't a dismissal; it's soft and intimate, with only the slightest twist of humor.]

I haven't been kind to you, either.

I was afraid. I'm sorry. -- We'll probably both do it again.

[ And so back up he goes, swinging from stifling grief and shame back into a place of hope. Hakkai's right -- it's only a matter of time before he does something wrong again, before he falls back down (literally, no doubt -- there's no question that Chikusa's threat was serious). How much more of this will he be able to endure? How many more times will he think he's doing well, will he think he's happy, and then he'll say something, or do something, and the whole world will be pulled out from under his feet again? How much more will Hakkai take, or Ayumu, or Tsuzuki? How long will his luck last this time? ]

That's okay.

[ But he promised that he'd stay -- both here in the temple and here, in heaven. Here alive. So what choice does he have? Until Hakkai grows tired of his bullshit he's here, good or bad and everything in between. He can take it. And maybe...

Hakkai's hand is cool. Gojyo wraps his fingers around that cool palm, holding it snug in his own warm hand. Maybe the good will be worth it. ]

If he breaks my leg, though, I'm gonna be mad.

Mm. If he breaks your leg, I'll make him do your chores and Ken's until it heals.

[He'll have to amend the chore list, if Gojyo is going to stay.

Carefully, he squeezes Gojyo's hand. Maybe he will stay. Maybe, this time, they'll be able to lean on each other, while they try to bludgeon Heaven into letting them free. The road back to being what they were is going to be a long one, but if they can just both avoid running away, maybe they'll make it in the end. Long roads aren't so bad as long as they don't give up.

Right now, though, he's very tired.]

... I'll see you in the morning?

[ There's a dozen things he could say in reply to that, but, looking at their joined hands, there's really only one right answer. ]

I'll be right here.

[ And tomorrow, they'll try again. ]

[Still smiling, Hakkai lets go of his hand, turns toward the bedroom door, takes one step and pitches face-first towards the floor.

It's possible that he should have done less laundry.]

[ Oh for fuck's sake. ]

Hakkai!

[ Gojyo's fast, but he's not fast enough to catch Hakkai. He's only fast enough to nearly trip over him as he lunges forward, grabbing for his shoulders to stop his head from hitting the ground. ]

Oh you stupid sonuvabitch!

[ Frantic, he rolls Hakkai over, patting him down for any damage. ]

I can't even trust you to walk across a goddamn room, can I?

[Hakkai groans, conscious enough to bring one hand to his forehead, but not quite enough to muster a whole sentence and produce it. Gojyo's patdown manages to uncover a scattering of places sore enough that he flinches, but nothing bleeding or broken (though his knees are, thanks to the floor, now freshly re-bruised.)

He is, though, a little colder than strictly normal, and his forehead is clammy.]

... not that bad....

[--he manages, perhaps unconvincingly.]

[ At least he's not the only idiot in the building. That's actually a comfort. ]

Shut up.

[ Whether Hakkai agrees to it or not, he's getting picked up and laid onto Gojyo's bed. ]

Your kid's gonna shove me off Tokyo Tower for this, you know that?

[ And his shoes are being removed. ]

Unbelievable. I can't fucking believe you.

[ And covered with a blanket. Go on. Try to protest. Try to stop him. This is happening. ]

How the hell are you supposed to stop me from doin' stupid shit when you're doin' stupid shit yourself, huh?

[He's not agreeing. It's just that he's not resisting; he manages a few indistinct noises of complaint (after all, he is fine, and could probably have made it to his own room, eventually) as his feet move, his shoes mysteriously disappear, and a blanket appears and is tucked in around him.

How did all of that happen?

Is he supposed to keep Gojyo from being stupid, he wonders, at that complaint, and murmurs:]

Sorry....

I don't wanna hear it.

[ This is Hakkai's temple, so all the rooms are Hakkai's rooms. He can sleep in this one tonight. There's plenty of space, it's a comfy bed, and there's even a chair by the desk that Gojyo can sleep in, just in case Hakkai wakes up in the middle of the night and decides to do something else stupid, like climb out the window or retile the roof. ]

All I want to hear from you is snorin'.

[ He settles himself into the desk chair, arms folded, legs stretched out and crossed at the ankle. It's not a comfortable as a bed, but it's a lot nicer than some of the places he's spent the night recently. ]

When you said you'd do somethin' else stupid I didn't think you meant right then.

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reformedsinner - 2018-05-15 22:00 (UTC) - Expand

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won't you take me

Re: cw, reference to suicide

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let's just blanket cw: suicidal talk for the rest of this conversation

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