thenearshore | won't you take me

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won't you take me

Who: The Li Tieguai clusterfuck
What: Well, we're out of a shitty haunted forest, who wants dinner?
When: November 16, evening
Where: Li Tieguai's Temple

Usually, when there's some big nonsense in Heaven, Chikusa can be found out cold or "away" in his own head for most of the following couple of days afterwards... but that apparently only counts for event which involve people. Spending an entire day trekking through a possessed forest filled with violent plant-life and cultists is manageable.... somehow.

No matter how exhausted or injured anyone in the temple is, food still has to be made, and Hakka is in no condition to make it. Thus, dinner is being arranged by the other cook in the house, and invitations have been sent out to the relevant people Chikusa thinks care- namely Nanako and Ayumu, along with anyone they seek to bring. That doesn't mean people checking in on the Li Tieguai temple can't just waltz right into the dinner as well....

There's a lot to do in the time leading up to dinner, after all, depending on when people show up (or, you know, realize there's smells coming from the kitchen). Bon, the resident enormous Tibetan Mastiff, demands attention in the form of bodily flinging himself at people. There's a goat in the garden, tied away from all the important medical herbs. At least four different nekomata wander in and out of the temple ground whenever they please, including Pookie, the most permanent resident, and never shut up.... Not to mention that a Kung-Fu movie has been put on the television for people to watch.

There's also a sign on all entrances to the kitchen that says: CHO HAKKAI IS NOT ALLOWED TO COOK. Presumably Chikusa put it up while making direct eye contact with him.

Either way, mess around until dinner, have dinner, crash in the living room where another kung-fu movie has been put on again... Have fun.

Oh, and before it can be forgotten.... The dinner menu for the night is fritto misto, meaty Amatriciana sauce with bucatini noodles, and all the garlic bread in the world apparently. For dessert? Cannoli again. That... might be all he knows how to make on the dessert front.

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"But...Axel-sama was always nice." Ken gives Chikusa a thoughtful look. Much like Chikusa is willing to force himself to try to communicate on sensitive subjects for Ken, Ken is willing to put effort into trying to understand the complexities of Chikusa when he senses it's important to his partner. "I don't think he'd be mad at you for serving another god while he's not here anyway...he wouldn't think you're doing anything bad."

Ken doesn't quite get that Chikusa feels he'd be violating a standard he holds for himself, and not one that he thinks Axel would hold him to. This is mostly because Chikusa communicates in the fewest words he can get away with, so sometimes (often) he doesn't explain himself fully enough for Ken to get the picture in one go.

"Axel-sama... was very good to me." It's a simple agreement, because he can't argue with that, especially not after how he's praised their first god. That's never been the problem, however. What's the problem is making clear what his problem is to Ken. It's a little complicated, after all, and something Chikusa knows is one of the things opposite in their relationship, like his silence and Ken's exuberance, or his tidiness and his partner's mess. All of that is something they've just adjusted to in favor of sticking together. This is a little different.

After a moment, he gives it a shot. "But... Even if Axel-sama would be okay with it... I'm not okay with it. It... feels like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. I want to be... a good shinki for him." And abandoning his god just because his god isn't around.... That doesn't fit the bill for him at all.

"But Axel-sama's not here," Ken says with a frown. "You can't be a good shinki for him any more than you can be a bad shinki for him, 'cause we can't do anything for him when he's not even here to do stuff for. So...why's it matter what you do in the meantime? How's it make you bad?"

"Because..." Chikusa's mouth tightens a little bit in the corner, the words hard to find and just as hard to speak aloud into the open air. He knows what the problem is, deep down inside himself, but it's getting it out there that's the problem. "What if it means... I'm not really loyal to him... if I immediately go find someone else just because he left? Then I don't know... what I would be."

But there's a problem with that, of course, and Chikusa remembers to add it on. "I don't know how to do loyalty... like you do." One shoulder twitches up, a bit of a shrug. "It'd probably be easier for me if I did..."

But he can only be himself, whatever that might mean.

Ken snorts. "You do the exact same loyalty as me, stupid kappa," he says, reaching up and tugging Chikusa's beanie down his forehead a little. "You just worry about it differently than me. You think you being as loyal as I am to the same person about the same things is different, just 'cause it's you doing it. How come you think what I do is enough, but you think you've gotta do more? You're already better than me at most stuff. How come you wanna be better than me at that, too?"

Even as Ken's fingers pull away from Chikusa's beanie, the other teenager is already reaching up to grab onto the offending hand, and his lips puff out just a little bit. It's more the principle of the thing than any idea that Ken would really mess with his beanie. He knows his partner, after all.

And his partner knows him... although, Chikusa has to admit, there are some things he's kept quiet from him, and most others. It's what has his sulky look ease up, something blanker and more thoughtful in its place as he stares down at Ken. It's almost funny that he would say something like that. After all.... "Because Ken," he says quietly, after a long moment of deciding, "has always been better than me." His gaze drifts back to the hand he has captured in his own, thumb rubbing circles against skin idly. "In a lot of things... I thought."

Ken blinks at Chikusa. "Me?" He looks baffled by this. "But...I'm stupid. I mess stuff up all the time, and get myself poisoned, and I smell bad - " This is something Ken takes on other people's authority, mostly. He's used to his own smell. " - and I get my clothes dirty all the time, and I'm not as good with borderlines as you, and I can't do spells, and I write bad, and - "

He could go on for awhile, if Chikusa doesn't stop him. Ken is very aware of his own shortcomings, even if he doesn't like to be reminded of them, and so the idea that he's supposedly better than Chikusa - who Ken relies on heavily - perplexes him.

"You smell horrible," Chikusa says, cutting in, because it's true. It's probably not helping anything, but it's true. Besides, it's not like he has anything to lose in this particular area. Ken's lack of bathing is something he's brought up more than once in the past, with varying degrees of annoyance.

...But that's besides the point.

Shifting to make himself more comfortable under Ken's weight, Chikusa thinks for a moment to organize his words better. It seems like he has to do that a lot, when he's really thinking on his feelings instead of just offering bare minimum replies. It only reinforces to him how out of touch with his own emotions he is. If not for that moment in the moon viewing, when he talked to Davesprite, he might never have gotten to this point with Ken for ages... assuming they ever had that long, here in the Far Shore.

He starts up again after some of that. "Even if you're stupid.... You're better at fighting than me. You were much better at it when we were alive... and if not for ayakashi causing blight upon skin contact, you'd still be better at it. Being smarter... is just me keeping up." Even though he can't remember entirely how he got smarter, or what he did, or where he went, Chikusa knows that much. It had hit him every time he'd looked at Ken and saw their differences in stark contrast. "So that's... one thing."

"That's only one thing, though," Ken says, frowning. "You're smarter than me, so...isn't that one thing, too? That means we're even." He huffs quietly. "Only not so much anymore, 'cause you can handle fighting as a shinki as well as I can, 'cause it's all different. So you don't need me to protect you, hardly ever. But I always need you to figure stuff out for me..."

"You can hunt down things better than me too," Chikusa counters, on a roll now that the most difficult part of starting it up has finished. "Things can't hide from you, because you smell them. So ambushes, or things hiding... or that serial killer. You can find all of those..."

A pause, because this one is a little more embarrassing to say.

"And... even if I figure out stuff... Sometimes being simple is better too...."

"Fine," Ken huffs, a flush coloring his cheeks. "Maybe I'm good at some stuff, byon. But you're good at all the things I said, too. So if you're not better than me, then you're at least just as good. Even if it's in different ways."

Ken frowns at him. "So you don't have to be loyal in a different way than me to...catch up, or whatever. If the way I'm loyal is okay, then you can do the same thing and it'll be okay for you too."

Good on equal ways.... His fingers pick idly at some aspect of clothing, only managing for a moment before he simply leaves his rip limply clinging there. Maybe that's right. It's almost funny, because he's thought of Ken as better than him for so long, and that's why he had to catch up... But maybe it's that simple.

"Maybe," he says out loud, voice still quiet. "But... I don't know how to change. I don't... like the idea of it." It's so much simpler to stay the way he's always been. Less frightening, as well.

Ken mulls this over for a minute, frowning. "But...you care about Hakkai-sama either way, byon," he says, finally. "So...all that'd change is whether or not you think you're bad for caring about another god when Axel-sama's not around, right? So...wouldn't letting yourself care about Hakkai-sama without feeling bad for it be nicer?"

He rolls on his side to better look at Chikusa, earnest even by his own honest, straightforward standards. "I don't think you're bad for caring about Hakkai-sama, Kakipi. I don't think Axel-sama would, either." Which inspires a momentary flash of gestalt inspiration. "Axel-sama would want us to be happy, right? So...if you're happy, you're doing what Axel-sama wants, byon. Which means you can't be a bad shinki."

Chikusa almost wants to protest, something which is perhaps hinted at by the way he reaches up to adjust his glasses by their middle section. It's not that he feels bad... Partially because he hasn't allowed himself to feel bad. It's only Axel that gets a "-sama", it's Axel he'll wait for every day even when it hurts.... If he keeps thinking in that manner, then he should be fine, shouldn't he?

It's the kind of thinking that he's been desperately trying to hold onto for a while, now.

But then Ken goes and says something like that, and the words Chikusa had wanted to say are dropped to the side in favor of him staring blankly at his partner. "Do you think it's that simple...?"

"Why not?" Ken prods at Chikusa with a finger. "Doing what'd make Axel-sama happy can't be bad, right? And he wanted us to be happy and taken care of. So if you like Hakkai-sama 'cause he takes care of us, Axel-sama would be happy about that. And making your god happy means you're a good shinki."

Once again, Ken goes and says something so simple that nonetheless sounds so complicated to his ears... But if he rejects it immediately, it'll make Ken unhappy, at the very least. So, after a long moment of silence, Chikusa allows his head to fall in a simple nod.

"...I'll think about it. And try..."

Ken studies Chikusa closely. He can tell that there's something other than wholehearted agreement happening here, but Chikusa is agreeing sort of, so...it's not a rejection, either.

But Ken feels his point needs to be underlined a little. So he shifts, sitting up and nuzzling his nose against Chikusa's neck. "You're a good shinki, byon," he murmurs. "Axel-sama would still think so, too. I didn't know him that well, but...when he was here, he seemed even nicer than Hakkai-sama. And Hakkai-sama wouldn't think you're a bad shinki for this, so...Axel-sama definitely wouldn't."

Ken is honestly way too warm... but it's alright, Chikusa supposes, subconsciously curling into his partner more. It's better to be warm than cold, because cold goes too easily into numbness. If he can leech off of his partner's heat and stay around for a little while longer...

Something in him feels strange. Almost like an insistent fog in his skull, pressing to one point. It's hard for him to understand what it is, right now. "I hope he would," he says quietly against Ken's hair. Even if he couldn't do anything for Axel, couldn't figure out how to keep him here, too...

He hopes he was a good shinki for him. He really does.

"...Want to just stay out here a while, Ken?"

"Yeah." Ken settles himself comfortably against Chikusa, until they're thoroughly tangled together. It's not quite as comfortable as their blanket pile, but it's close.

He'll sit with Chikusa for as long as his partner wants. Or until he gets hungry. Whichever comes first.

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