[closed] you belong with me

[sharkmaid]

Who: Rin (sharkmaid) and Sousuke (takenwithhim)
When: Beginning of December
Where: Eros' Castle
What: Sousuke regains his memories of his best friend and Major Feels ensue.



It's gotten colder between the two shores. The day's were shorter, evening's quieter. And Rin being the morning person he was seemed to be sleeping more these past few weeks. Ever the picky one, he couldn't quite find a comfortable balance between the seasons. It was always too hot, too cold, never just the right temperature to settle down instead of constantly being on the move. Not to mention being without his favorite pillow most nights... However, it's gotten easier, and he's fairly certain he knew the reason. Having something and someone always there, always constant... He felt just right.

Rin didn't normally curl up under the covers, but with temperatures dipping just above freezing outside only the top of his head peeked up now, maroon strands disheveled but soft, somehow managing to fall in a tidy mess against his pillow. Despite having an entire half of a giant bed for himself though, he's scooted over closer to the middle with head tucked in towards his chest and arms stretched out to the side. Not exactly reaching for something. Not intentionally anyway. More... subconscious. Secretly wanting to find something, grab on, hold it close.

Sousuke probably didn't sign up for that sort of behavior when he decided to share Rin's bed, did he?

Dawn was still a few hours away when he shifted in his sleep, arms curling tighter around his best friend's middle, some indistinguishable sleep talk muttered against his chest. It seemed like if he could, he'd stay in this position forever.

Hm. No. Sousuke definitely didn't sign up for any of that.

Comments

[takenwithhim]

As much as a swimmer should relish the summer, there’s something charming and calm about the winter that Sousuke found he enjoyed. The shorter days might be annoying, but the nights were more comfortable, there was a sort of freshness in the air, crisp and cool, and things weren’t so franticly heated all the time. And it wasn’t like he needed an excuse to get some more sleep in the mornings. Especially since his normally-ready-to-wake-with-the-dawn boyfriend was also sleeping in. (If dawn came later, more sleep was to be had, right?) Sousuke would say he liked winter, and he’d say he liked summer. Each of them had their good points, cool and warm, long and short, and he always found a way to get comfortable. Usually done while watching Rin rush about trying to, well, get comfortable. It wasn’t just a one-time occurrence that he heard his best friend mumbling about how lucky Sousuke was for being able to just flop on the couch and zonk out like a log.

But now there was something else encouraging his rest. And it wasn’t the temperature or the daylight. He knew what it was. The constant closeness of a companion always there with him, for him. Someone he trusted and looked to for the friendship that came to him so singularly. He didn’t make friends easily, so the ones he had he treasured. But Rin… Rin was someone unique and far more special. A friend, a rival, a lover. His boyfriend was right here with him. And for all the deep and emotional romantic things he could say and do with him, Sousuke’d be lying if he said one of his top five favorite things to do with Rin wasn’t simply sleeping by his side. In the same bed. Under the same covers. Sharing the same warmth.

Rin might be the hothead with the fiery personality, but apparently Sousuke was the warmer of the two. At least, he assumed that’s why Rin curled up against him. Gentle breaths lifted the mound of covers on the bed, his eyes closed silently in his sleep. Freezing temperatures outside failed to really break through the protective (lazy) embrace he draped over his boyfriend’s body. One arm lying atop Rin’s hips, hand dangling down along the small of his back’s curve, fifth finger just barely resting at the cleft of his ass. His other lay tucked safely beneath his own head, fingers curled in a half-made fist by his hair. It was romantic, of course, lazy, but also an element of protectiveness, warding off the chill from trying to reach the most important person in his world.

Of course he signed up for this. He signed up for everything possible the moment he agreed to be Rin’s shinki. A life together with him, for better and for worse, with all the experiences life could present. From fights to laughs to romance. And that included sleeping together in a disgustingly-mushy tangle of I’ll-warm-you-up long limbs answering Rin’s silent reach for him. This was a silent moment he loved, sharing Rin’s bed. Sharing their bed. Together. Here in the quiet of the night. Where sleep reigned and dreams played in the slumber.

Where what had once been locked away behind the door of “Forgotten” began to silently slip back to where they all belonged. One memory at a time. Of a young man… whom Sousuke thought the world of.

[sharkmaid]

Rin could say time and time again how much he liked this new brand of attention from his best friend. Fighting beside him was one thing. Going out with him every day from place to place was another. But actively choosing to sleep in the same bed, hold his hand, even stare at him during their downtime... Yeah, it was all normal to everyone else, at least in theory, but to Rin he never expected he'd find something so special with Sousuke this soon, let alone at all. He could have given up on him a long time ago. Without those memories of their past, he was certain he'd lose his partner again somewhere along the way. He'd grow annoyed, irritated, afraid... Not attached just like this.

Maybe he's lucky. Maybe he's stupid. ... Hmph. Whatever he was, Sousuke would be here to share it with him, so there's no room for complaint.

Long legs stretched out slowly beneath the covers, one ankle hooking around one of his boyfriend's own, and with a grunt he smooshed his face right into Sousuke's chest. He probably looked like a koala clinging onto a tree like this, so clueless yet comfortable. If he was especially clingy, some nights he could almost roll right over his shinki and right onto the floor. None of that now though. (Being undressed wouldn't make any of that particularly comfortable.)

[takenwithhim]

Though he may not remember his past, their past, the experiences they’d shared and the memories he’d made had more than filled in some blanks. Yes, initially Rin was annoying. He irritated Sousuke with his romantic views and his strange attachment to and familiarity with his thoughts and personality. And Sousuke was privately afraid and frustrated (the latter not so privately) over how literally his life was in Rin’s hands. At first, it angered him that he depended on Rin, but as time moved on and their bond and understanding grew, he came to realize it was simply part of the new life they led. Rin depended on Sousuke as well, in both their relationship as god and shinki and as friends. In time, annoyance and irritation faded, replaced with trust and growing affection. Along with actions and feelings he never would have expected to find in such a place. From innocuous things like making breakfast together and challenging each other to swimming competitions to more intimate things… like showering together and sleeping in the same bed. Holding hands in public and stealing kisses under the Tokyo sun. They’ve really become a rather romantic couple, haven’t they…

Lucky or stupid, fate or accident, they were together and there was nothing Sousuke wanted to change about the “us” they’d built together. Together with Rin. A gentle feeling of “this is right; this is what I want” always seemed to drift around the edges of his mind whenever he was with the other boy. Comfortable. Correct. The only thing missing was the past. Their past. The “him” Rin knew before. Something he’d accepted would never be returned unless they somehow left this place. It lingered, yes, but they’d learned to live with it and move past it. The past didn’t matter so much. Moving forward to their future… That’s what mattered.

Skin brushed skin, a sensitive ripple wandering from his ankle to his calf as Rin hooked him, Achilles tendons rubbing together and triggering that instinctive urge to be closer. He obeyed without even waking, tilting his foot down in the sheets and sliding his leg backwards, drawing their limbs into an entangled twine. Rin was clinging to him, arms and legs anchoring his athletic body to Sousuke’s own. Definitely a warmth and sensuality he could easily sleep to. (The lack of clothing was an additional little “adult” privilege they got to enjoy as boyfriends now, even if the first time they’d done it had been a bit awkward, complete with grins, flushes, and a few laughs in the night.) When he was like this, basking in his lover’s touch as he slept, there was nothing that could Sousuke from this comfort—

-!!!

His eyes snapped open, ripped apart so intensely he couldn’t even fathom closing them when the moonlight pierce into his pupils and stabbed through his head. For a second, everything went blinding white, wiping out his brain for one peaceful moment of painful, lingering bliss. Then it all crashed down. His eyelids burrowed shut, his heart plunged into his guts, and his mind dropped from thoughtless ignorance into a sea of emotional maelstroms. It felt like he’d been weightless, and suddenly someone flipped an invisible switch to turn gravity back on.

The pain subsided, but sleep was an impossibility right now. Sousuke lay awake on the bed, frozen in place, eyes slowly opening to stare at the strands of maroon hair splashed atop the pillow next to him.

“… Rin …”

[sharkmaid]

Romantic, yes. Something he never would have imagined they’d be capable of. Too caught up in their rivalry, their sport, their childish bickering almost every day. While none of that disappeared by any means, lately they seemed to take a backseat in their daily routines. It left room for other things, romantic things. Things Rin only ever read about in novels or watched on theater screens. Sometimes he thought about asking Sousuke why he did it. Was he humoring him? Making up for their rocky start? Under some sort of spell he’d yet understand? But Rin quickly swallowed his doubt every time, because he knew it wouldn’t be fair to his best friend otherwise. Trusting his feelings, his words... every touch with the backs of his fingers or gentle gaze during their nightly scrolls along the sakura painted ponds. He had to believe Sousuke did everything because he wanted to. Because he was free. Because he cared for Rin with all his heart.

Every day it became easier to accept those truths and every day they grew closer because of it. ... Maybe he didn’t expect “closer” to mean sleeping naked together, but expecting unexpected habits in this relationship was already the norm. One of them would probably wake up with a stiff neck tomorrow. Or a sore ankle or a foot half asleep. Never stopped them from doing the same thing every night though. Stubborn just as much as romantic, apparently.

Rin sighed into his parther’s skin, warmth fanning over his cheeks... until that heat rose into his skull like rushing water then abruptly sunk back down through his spine. At first he thought he might have been half awake, thinking he was falling in a dream, but moments later and the sensation didn’t subside, lingering instead within his chest like a molten ball of hot iron. Pressure followed, stress on his ribcage, heart being ripped in two– before with one final push his body forced itself awake. Paralysis set in for the first few seconds. Eyes wide, staring at nothing... But reality caught up faster than his senses and soon he had the sheets pushed away in a panic. He didn’t care if the room spun as he sat up in the darkness. Something was wrong. Something was hurting.

Sousuke was in distress.

“Sousuke,” he gasped through the ache in his chest, hand reaching out for his shinki’s face. He was here, he was definitely awake, but he couldn’t understand anything beyond that. A nightmare maybe? A noise from outside their window? With hair falling between his eyes, Rin scanned his boyfriend’s face from above. “What’s wrong?”

[takenwithhim]

He'd be right in that regard. That’s one of the saving graces that had prevented Sousuke from writing off the entire pantheon of gods as untrustworthy “masters” in a negative light. Never once had Rin ever forced him to do something, he always treated him like a living person, and reminded him over and over that he wasn’t a tool. Whatever Sousuke wanted to do, he’d been able to without hitting a barrier or getting strung up on some proverbial leash held by his god’s hand. It gave him a freedom that assuaged his fears of being abused and used. Freedom that eventually turned into this warm affection, even love, for the young man he called his best friend and closest rival. His boyfriend. Why did he do these romantic things to Rin? Obviously because he wanted to. Because he knew Rin was a romantic swimming maniac who really enjoyed these foolish, glittering romantic things like splashing him with sakura-covered water or wanting to go eat dinner outside to watch the sunset on the beach. Sousuke did all those things of his own free will… because he truly loved Rin. And when you love someone, you enjoy doing things that make them happy. (Or in Rin’s case, get red in the face and tsun like a master.)

But right now… All of that… was tossing on a roiling sea churning inside his mind. Flashes of images appeared and vanished, voices flittered in and out of silence, moments in time rose up and sank beneath others before he even had a chance to grasp them. Yet they were all there, surging in like someone had just opened a floodgate within his head. If Sousuke ever had any wonders about what being schizophrenic or emotionally unstable was like, this gave him a peek into that affliction. His heart felt like it was jumping from one emotion to the next, climbing into his throat in one moment and then falling to the base of his stomach in another before melting all over itself. Unable to decide (or unable to hold onto) anything for more than a second. Yet, everything, all of it, from start to finish…

… was Rin.

It’s you. Everything… is you.

Something—someone—touched his face. The sudden shock of skin against his own snapped him from the mental waters like a bolt of lightning. The room came back into focus, the darkness, the smooth of the sheets and blankets against his skin, from his shoulders to his feet, and the warmth of a body beside him. Rin… A second later, the sheets ripped away and he was bared to the air at least down to the curve of his pelvis. Sousuke flinched at the sudden exposure as the slight chill from outside raced for his flesh. But Rin was awake, staring at him, touching him, holding him… His ruby eyes asking the question far earlier than his mouth. It took him a long time to respond, probably long enough to freak his lover. But… eventually, he managed to roll onto his back, teal eyes gazing up at the other boy’s above him. What Rin saw in his eyes… was probably everything and nothing simultaneously. Wet, hard, warm, soft, distant, focused, confused. What’s wrong? … How can he answer? It felt like a dream, unsure if he was awake or not. Answer. Rin needed an answer. There was one, the only one, right on his tongue. Sousuke breathed out, tan lips moving in a quiet, soft response.

“Rin… I remember you, Rin.”

[sharkmaid]

It hurt. It stung. Everything swirling and colliding all at once within Sousuke’s chest echoed within Rin’s and left him gripping at the bedsheets for some semblance of control. He wanted to keep himself together for his best friend’s sake, no matter if it hurt and no matter if he didn’t understand what he was going through in his restless sleep. He owed it to him as more than a friend, more than a god... but as a lover. They promised all that, didn’t they? Even with the attached risks, they’d stay together through every hurdle, every burden, every obstacle in their way. So he stayed, keeping a familiar, warm touch on Sousuke’s body as he struggled through those turbulent waters in the darkness. He wouldn’t have to face them alone. Rin would be here. To chase them away, to ease the pain. I can take a little beating if it means keeping you safe...

He winced once or twice, nearly doubled over when the room spun a little for fast, then just as quickly as it came it stopped... Sweat beaded on his forehead once Rin finally broke free from the haziness clouding his mind. He felt like he’s been running, falling, floating all at once. And Sousuke... With his shinki on his back, he lifted a shaking hand and pushed his bangs back from his temples. He wasn’t particularly warm. Not too cold either. It had to be some kind of bad dream. If he was staring at him like that in stunned silence for so long, it had to be the only explanation. Unsettled without a response, Rin frantically reached over to flick on the lamp on his bedside table. Warm orange illuminated one side of his body like faint candlelight once he returned to scanning Sousuke’s face.

“Hey,” he muttered softly, sweat dripping down the bridge of his nose. “What happened? Did–“

... I remember you, Rin.

... Nothing at first. No movement. No words. Just the gentle rise and fall of his chest with each slowing breath. He couldn’t have misheard him. Could he? Rin waited several beats longer before finding it in him to finally move his lips. His tongue felt heavy, his throat felt dry. Maybe he was the one stumbling around in his dreams.

“Wh-what d’you mean?”

[takenwithhim]

The rush of memories and sensations was so great, he didn’t even have the mindset to recognize the ever-present reality Rin was feeling everything he was. That “curse” that bound them together that could be so intimate one moment and so annoying the next, something always present within Sousuke’s mind, was completely absent for the time being. Too many other things to focus on in the whirlwind of the recovered moments of his life. There was nothing he could really do to seize onto something and hold himself steady. It was hard enough to simply lie here and watch what literally felt like his entire life plunge through his mind and flash in front of his eyes. Dizzy, nauseous, giddy, excited, panicked, all of it wracking his body until his guts were in a knot and his brain was throbbing against his skull. To say nothing of his heart slamming into the confines of his ribs. It was enough to send anyone reeling, washed away into the seascape of a turbulent see of remembrance..

But… he wasn’t “anyone.” He wasn’t alone. And all it took was one moment of hearing that familiar voice for Sousuke to reach out and grasp onto it like a life preserver amid a storm. The waves and winds were still there, but he had security all once. It seemed to be the catalyst for some sort of change, because once he had a grip on Rin’s voice, everything began to quiet. Slowly, very slowly, but settling nevertheless. Rin was in focus now, leaning over him, his wet bangs pressed away from his temples and giving a clear view of his eyes staring at him with such concern he felt his heart melt. Again. Nightmare. Dream. None of those in truth. Something far more real. He really had no idea how he could say it, so all that he managed was spitting out the truth in a soft, breathless voice. Disbelieving, incredulous, amazed, and… well… stunned.

The sudden flash of light stabbed into his eyes and Sousuke winced, slapping one hand over his face before he could even think about it. “Ow!, Rin!” Well, least he could move now… And then the light blocked out and Rin’s shadowed body covered him again, searching his face. The shinki let out a low breath and his hand slid down his face, long fingers running over his skin to make sure it was really there.

Drip

A droplet of sweat splatted onto his mouth, right on his upper lip. Sweat. Sousuke instinctively flicked his tongue against his skin, tasting the tang, before giving Rin a slight look. Dripping on him, bae? But, he couldn’t be mad. Not when that revelation was sitting in the air, slapping both of them in the face for very different and very similar reasons.

I remember you, Rin.

He didn’t expect a reaction either. Silence, a gape, staring eyes, all of that. Because after everything, Sousuke says that? After more than a year of can’t remembers and I don’t knows… Was he lying? Was he even awake? Ironically, both of them knew the answer to that. But… how could it? Why? Should he even care? And Rin was asking him a question. Oh… right. He was awake. Sousuke’s gaze seemed to pull out from inside his own head and focused back on the world, on his lover. What do you mean? What’d he think he meant?! Ugh, he… he bit his tongue, taking a few silent breaths. Just… focus… and say… something.

“You really are a romantic swimming maniac. Ever since the start, even when we first met.”

[sharkmaid]

Hey, don’t whine about the light! If he didn’t turn it on, he’d be stuck worrying in the darkness over this! Rin did resist yanking that hand away though and let Sousuke run it down his face on his own– What the heck, don’t go licking his sweat either! Ugh, just stay still and let him look you over properly without doing anything weird for once, ok? Now let’s see. A little stunned, but he was moving, breathing. He wondered if he needed to push the sheets away more just in case he wanted to stretch his legs out or even get out of bed. When it came to Sousuke in particular, Rin never was the type to coddle, but being here, being with him, Rin focused on little else. Their connection as god and shinki seemed to run deeper every day, so deep sometimes he swore he could start reading Sousuke’s thoughts. It was better that way though, wasn’t it? In a world like this, full of unpredictable danger and power far beyond their normal human lives, they had to be close. They had to be inseparable.

He just... didn’t quite expect their bond to go this far, so far it dug right into Sousuke’s memories.

Is that what he was hearing? What other explanation could there even be? It’s not like every last memory attached to Rin could suddenly reappear overnight without reason. Right?

Now it was his turn to be silent, staring down at Sousuke with hands planted on his pillow. His chest wouldn’t stop fluttering. His head couldn’t process any of what Sousuke was saying. Whether it was truth or if he was still half asleep and hearing odd echoes in his mind. Even so... he wanted to hear more. He wanted more confirmation, anything to prove to his heart he wasn’t trapped in a dream. It was one thing to call him a romantic swimming maniac, sure. He’d done it before on his own without hesitation. But to reach that far into the past, back to when he tapped him on the shoulder and asked his name... Rin’s lips twitched, about to form words, but after a year of hiding for his best friend’s sake, he couldn’t bring himself to speak. What if it wasn’t real? What if he brought up that innocent memory and it only caused more pain?

Fear continued to swim in his eyes as he swallowed and finally find his voice. Please. Don’t let this hurt you.

“If you remember... then what was the promise I made you? Back when we were kids?” Fingers tightened into the pillow out of reflex.

[takenwithhim]

It still hurt, you know! He could’ve handled you looking at him in the darkness; the moon’s giving off enough glow behind the curtains anyways. At least he wasn’t forced back into the light as fast the next time and his hand could fall away once his eyes adjusted. Amazing Rin didn’t even flinch when he flicked the light on (but probably cause his back was facing it, lucky guy.) Oy! You’re the one leaning over him dripping sweat on his mouth in the first place! He’d like to see you not react with an insta-tongue. Anyways, he grumbled a bit and allowed Rin to look at him. But… it wasn’t easy. Just seeing his face stirred the ocean swirling around his mind. The flood of images, sensations, sounds, all focused around that one person now looking him over so worriedly. Not pampering him or freaking out, but a warm, kind, professional concern, the type a best friend knew how to give. Part of it was probably their bond as god and shinki, and Sousuke still didn’t sit all that happy on the idea Rin could read his emotions and maybe even judge his thoughts. But…

Now, with the history unfolding through his memories, their connection plunged into such depths within his chest, it stole his breath away. They had to be close in this world, as god and shinki. And he always wondered just how closed they’d been before… that happened. Now he knew. An entire communication through a look alone. Understanding with a few simple words. They way everyone else said they were best friends even if the two of them denied it to each other and others. Here in this world, they had to be inseparable. But, it wasn’t because they were god and shinki. Not entirely. It was because… before… they already were.

Mostly. There were so many reminiscences spiraling in his head, Sousuke could barely focus on one for more than a second. It felt like grasping a fish beneath the surface, too slow to successfully keep it from escaping. Yet he could see so many of them. The moment his eyes went to one, they were distracted by another. The attached emotions came right along with the image, sending his chest tensing and his heart doing enough gymnastics he wondered if he’d have an attack within a few moments. Yet he couldn’t stop. For so long, he wanted to know. And now… so many are here. His memories, his life before… Pieces and thoughts, experiences all with one overarching connection between them. They all dealt with Rin.

Sousuke fell silent after the quiet words. He could see the response in Rin’s eyes. The swirl of confusion giving way to widened realization, turning into a bright moment of pure hope, before sinking back into the cautious gaze he was so used to seeing whenever they trekked near a dangerous area. Was this a dream? Would this endanger Sousuke’s existence? Was this even real in the first place? Rin spent so long hiding his history from him because he cared about him. And now he was faced with dropping it? Of course he’d balk. This was… serious. Sousuke didn’t blame him for the doubt and hesitance. He would be doing the same in Rin’s place, if not even moreso. For a second, he saw words try to form, but they fell silent on Rin’s lips. He made no effort to call them back. Rin would speak when he felt able to. Safe enough.

The fear in his eyes was unmistakable, yet Sousuke knew that fear was from affection and protection, not from terror. It may have been only a second, but he could see every moment of resolution and decision building behind Rin’s gaze. He knew he’d speak before he did… and offered that quiet test.

Sousuke couldn’t answer. He didn’t try. Not because he didn’t want to. But because he had to look. Far too many to see them all at once or even focus on for long. But he tried, determined to somehow wrangle the shoal into a narrow stream and then start wading backwards through their flickering bodies. Slowly, stubbornly he moved in the waters of his own mind. Younger, blank spots, adolescence, blank spots, letters that carried Rin to him from overseas… younger still… until finally, a pool, and his heart lifted with the memories of pride and cockiness. A young boy facing his best rival, winning a simple boyish promise.

“The loser has to do any one thing the winner wants.” He settled again, gazing up at the young man leaning over him. Then lifted his arm, fingers reaching through the air, until he found Rin’s fist and folded his hand over his boyfriend’s trembling grip. He remembered that promise. Back when they were kids. “And no hard feelings if you lose, Rin.”

It didn’t hurt.

[sharkmaid]

With Sousuke’s silence came more fear. Fear he’d crossed a line, made a horrible mistake, jeopardized his own best friend’s life because of a selfish desire to seek the truth. And yet as he stared at the other boy beneath him, Rin felt no sense of pain or those familiar whirlpools rocking about in his chest. Instead he sensed something lighter, calmer, like a school of fish following the gentle current of a stream. Sousuke was searching for something and Rin needed to keep his composure until he’d find it. Easier said than done of course. Every second brought more silence, more thought, more white-knuckled anxiety and sharp teeth worrying at his lip. For once he almost wished he could read Sousuke’s mind frame by frame. He wanted to see those memories. Which ones were there, how they appeared, what emotions they evoked in the span of a half second. He wanted to reach in a grab one if he could. He could hold it for him, keep it still long enough for Sousuke to put together the pieces. But no. These things couldn’t be rushed.

So many times he stood at his shinki’s side to support him through one obstacle after the other. Now, for once, Rin needed to leave Sousuke to handle this alone.

I know you can find it. I know you have the answer. Just try...

... and then there it was. A small memory, but a prominent one, quietly separating itself from the water’s course to leap above the surface.

Rin couldn’t answer. He couldn’t even try. Because Sousuke was looking at him, smiling at him, touching his hand... all while finally knowing who he was. For so long he was only “Rin.” A vaguely familiar face, someone who shared his home, his bed, day to day missions because he had no other choice. He would never be more than a name in Sousuke’s life. And it hurt. Of course it did. Every day it hurt a little more. He remembered how cold his eyes were when he smiled at him beneath the trees. He remembered gripping his chest and screaming so loudly the world fell still. All Rin wanted that day was to see his best friend smile at him just as before... Now here it was. Warm and inviting... just like sunshine.

My sunshine.

“I waited for you.” The first words to leave his lips once he finally found his voice. He forced them through the lump in his throat, head dipped and eyes shut, large tears already trailing down his cheeks and dripping from his chin. Now, the dam finally broke. “I never stopped waiting, because I promised you!” More shaking fingers, so tight beneath Sousuke's own. “But all of this... Everything this world’s done to you and everything I hid away... I’m sorry.”

[takenwithhim]

He knew there’d be fear. Asking such a question with the answer hinging everything their relationship had built up to until now. What had once been silent and taboo was now strangely, surprisingly, suddenly out in the open. There was danger in even asking the question. One wrong mistake and Sousuke could trip down a nonstop path towards his own death. At his god’s hand. Yet here he was, telling Rin he remembered, but with no way to confirm it for Rin without laying everything down on one, possibly-fatal gamble. Doing this was akin to asking Rin, the person who loved and protected him so fiercely, to hold the proverbial knife to Sousuke’s throat. Cruel, even, but ultimately required. One of the greatest tests to their relationship dropped on them in the middle of the night. Without sound, without breath. Even with the calmness within Sousuke’s chest as he searched through his mind, the swimmer knew Rin was anything but calm inside his own chest. Almost as if he could feel the slamming beat of his best friend’s frantic heartbeats behind his own ribs.

There was no turning back. They had to go forward. Together. Hands touching, bodies close, eyes meeting, hearts twined… and finally, the answer. One he struggled for alone this time, without Rin. But for Rin.

One memory was all he needed to offer up. A quiet, pleasant memory held out to Rin from a boy who looked so proud and calm, as if showing the gold medal he’d earned after years of hard work, his pride tempered by mature self-confidence, yet his happiness undeniably vibrant in his eyes. The one memory… This is us.

No, he didn’t expect words or sound. Rin’s stunned silence was the only thing that could’ve happened. After all, Sousuke had just thrown his heart and mind for a wild roller coaster of a loop, only to deliver him a proverbial sucker punch to the gut once the ride finally came to a completion.

“I know who you are now.”

The very words felt like ice breaking over warm water, a flooding rush of relief, bewilderment, pure elation intermixed. All the pieces weren’t there… but the most important one was returned. This, this he could live with. No longer did he have that nagging doubt in the back of his mind about Rin’s identity. No longer did he look at his face with haunting nostalgia of a person he might have once remembered in a dream. He knew who Rin was now. Not just someone he shared his home and bed with, not just his god who he trained with and preformed missions to answer prayers with, not just a name. But Rin. His Rin. The one he undoubtedly tormented just by being near him. Because he didn’t remember him. The pain and trials Rin must’ve suffered, the burden Sousuke knew he carried behind his smiles and brilliance. There was nothing he could ever do to make up for the agony he put him through… But there was everything he could do to move forward with him from here.

Don’t you dare bring up that sunshine crap, you romantic swimming maniacal hedonist. It’s as embarrassing now as it was back then!

Sousuke’s smile softened as Rin finally did what Rin did best and broke down. Yet those first words… I waited for you. Sousuke’s lips parted, mouth falling open slightly with a tiny sound. His heart clenched instantly and his throat constricted on itself. Rin promised to wait for him. At the pool, after he’d turned away from the waters and his last look at the life he was forced to leave behind. Who says your shoulder can’t be fixed? Don’t give up before you even try. I’ll be waiting for you. Even now, those words rang through his head like droplets into a pool, echoing and true. Tears streamed down Rin’s face right in front of him, tears because of him, tears for him. Don’t cry… Fingers tightened on his shoulder, gripping him hard enough there might be marks later. Even as his own hand remained folded overtop Rin’s, it was Rin who was gripping him like his life depended on it. The flood poured out, days, weeks, months, over a year of backed up frustrations and sorrow spilling through Rin’s words. Because of what he forgot, of who he forgot. And at the end of it all… an apology that meant everything in the world.

Sousuke closed his eyes for a moment, gently brushing aside the shoal of memories swimming in his mind. They could come later. What mattered most… was here. He reached up with both hands and cupped Rin’s tear-stained face between them, long fingers molding to temples, palms on his cheeks, thumbs tenderly smoothing his cheekbones under his eyes. “Don’t apologize, Rin. You did what you did to protect me. Whether this happened or not, you kept me safe.” Pulling him close and down, Sousuke leaned in, head tilting and breath stilling as his lips found Rin’s, the taste of salt biting into his tongue. Everything Rin did for him… A slow trickle of saline ran down the side of Sousuke’s face, silent but not stopping. There was nothing he could say or do to make up for all of this. “Thank you, Rin.”

[sharkmaid]

He hated crying. He hated how sensitive he was, how easy it was to break down in a weak display in front of the people he cherished the most, the people he had to be the strongest for. But no amount of hating would stop Rin’s heart from doing what it wanted. Crying, apologizing, probably saying some stupid things he’d forget or deny in the next few hours if he could ever fall back asleep... falling in love with his own best friend. There was no way Sousuke could be enjoying all of this either. After a rush of memories in the dead of night, here he was with a near hysterical god crying over his body over something neither of them had control over all this time. So many things he wanted to leap in a do, everything all at once. He selfishly wanted to ask more questions. He wanted to shove his hand into his face as if the pressure would force his tears back into his eyes. He wanted to turn the light off, shut his eyes and make absolutely certain everything he felt wasn’t some cruel dream.

He wanted to touch him, feel him... hold him as closely as humanly possible and never let go.

Hearing those words repeated nearly ripped his heart in two and with a shuddering breath he lowered his gaze to the side again to try and compose himself. If he stayed looking at him for too long, his chest would burn. Everything, every question, memory and word he held back for so long would come spilling out along with his tears, and he couldn’t put Sousuke through something so dramatic. One step at a time. He needed to start small, be patient, breathe... Still. After waiting as long as he did, no one could really expect him to be patient, right?

Then, hands on his cheeks. Warmth blooming from both palms, both sets of fingers, radiating out to burrow deep beneath his skin. If he shut his eyes he would have sworn the morning sun was on his face. But no. One look back and the view was the same. Soft yet captivating... a pair of teal eyes that finally recognized his face. Embarrassment flooded his chest quickly with Sousuke’s response though, and Rin nudged his damp, reddened cheeks into both hands more for comfort than anything else. He knew he was right anyway. He did what he could, the best that he could, because with anything less Sousuke would easily slip through his fingers. Beyond that, unfortunately, what else could he do? He might’ve apologized for apologizing if his best friend wasn’t already such an expert at keeping him grounded. Well. Maybe they both already said enough.

Or so he thought.

“Don’t forget me again,” he muttered. Borderline pled, really. Hard to pick apart tones and such when you have salt on your tongue and lips to your lips... eventually tongue to tongue too once he broke through his stunned haze long enough to chase a few spontaneous urges. Blame his heart again, he supposed. Always doing whatever it wanted most. “I won’t let it happen again.”

[takenwithhim]

Rin might hate it, but Sousuke had long since accepted that was simply how his best friend was. It felt so good to be able to say that; even with some of his memories obviously missing, the fact he could remember everything he experienced with Rin… It was overwhelming him with relief and elation. Rin was a gentle soul, tender and emotional as well as strong and passionate. It made him who he was and Sousuke didn’t want to chance a single fraction of it if he could. Ignoring all the times he told him not to cry because he really didn’t like to see Rin cry even if he accepted that he did. As for his enjoyment… There were different kinds enjoyment. No, he didn’t enjoy Rin crying and even now he was gently brushing at his face, wiping his tears away as they fell down his cheeks. But he enjoyed being with him, being here to be able to wipe away said tears. Rin might be his hysterical got bawling all over his face… but there was no way Sousuke could blame him for it. Not when he had a lump in his throat as well from all the memories swarming around his head.

At some point, he knew he was going to sit down and just ruminate. Probably in private as the memories were bound to have some very… trying moments. He tried not to dwell on much of any of them right now, using the memories he and Rin made together here in the Far Shore to be a sort of buffer between his mind and the sudden unveiling of half his life pouring into his memory.

Rin probably had plenty of questions of his own. Things he couldn’t talk about or ask about while Sousuke lay trapped within the shinki amnesia. They’re there, he could see them bubbling in his throat and on his lips, but Rin was holding them back for his comfort. Just like the soft-hearted, kind god he always knew him as. As much as Sousuke wanted to open up and talk for the hours needed… he knew it would be too much right now as well. So reluctantly had to reign himself in as well and be patient. Not that being patient was a very strong point of his…

It would’ve been impossible not to touch him. To hold him so he knew it was okay to cry, that Sousuke wasn’t upset or frustrated with his reactions. Cupping his face, brushing his skin with his fingers, thumbs smoothing over slender cheekbones to wipe away the drizzle of his tears. It’s okay, Rin. I’m right here. I remember you. They were still together. Even without his memories, they found their way together and rebuilt the bond they had in the past. Even with all the hints and suggestions, Sousuke could never be sure that “he” was the person Rin remembered. But now… Aa, he knew. All the way to the “Tokyo friend” Rin talked about whenever they went to the Near Shore. Everything Rin did had been for him, for his safety. There was no way he could be angry with him for that. If Rin wanted to keep apologizing for it, fine… for now. But that wasn’t the case and all that came from it was a quiet plea and a promise.

Sousuke leaned his head forward, drawing Rin’s down until their foreheads touched. Lips met. Mouths met. Breaths entwined. Kissing Rin again with so much more behind the touch. It almost felt like kissing him for the very first time. Again. Though they knew the reality of the situation and their lack of control, it still felt good to hear Rin “reprimand” him for forgetting, and the promising never to allow it again. Sousuke smiled softly into the touch and nodded. “I won’t. I promise.”

[sharkmaid]

He felt lightheaded now. Exhausted, dazed. As if he’d been crying all day and night. But while it was tempting to curl back up and fall asleep before dawn, Sousuke’s hands were still on his face, and he couldn’t bring himself to tear himself away. Something familiar. To keep his grounded, keep him safe. He complained about all that being so childish before. Now he couldn’t care less. He’d been without pieces of his best friend for far too long to deny himself this attention. Sooner or later everything would finally sink in and he could rest easy knowing they’d still be together, just as they were and always would be. Until then, he needed to breathe. Stay present, focused, calm. Not just for himself, but for Sousuke.

Tap. And for once in all these minutes of crying and confessing he smiled softly, quiet laughter bubbling in his chest in between tiny hiccuped breaths. You found me, he wanted to tell him. I never stopped believing you would. And now you’re here. All the pieces in place... Not to say Sousuke was ever broken before. Just a little lost. ... Never thought he’d see the day he finally found his way on his own.

With a nudge between their foreheads, Rin raised his hand, making to prop it up on the bed instead of keeping it pressed to his partner’s chest, but... Ah. Frozen. Fingers hesitated just before lifting too far, eyes half lidded, pupils dilated. Yes. That’s right. Sousuke’s skin was just as it always was beneath his palms. Still soft and unscarred... Even here, right where his shinki name lie embedded into his shoulder. A quick glance over and he slowly lowered his fingers back down, more and more until each one curved over the sloped shape. A painful reminder they weren’t back home. ... a painful reminder what awaited them once they finally were.

He didn’t think much of it. Only moved as his body demanded. Lower and lower until his body would be full pressed to Sousuke’s from every angle, head rested on his collar... fingers still barely covering his right shoulder.

“... Promise me one more thing.” A beat. Then, “Promise you’ll tell me whenever this hurts. If ever it comes back... I won’t let you go it alone.”

[takenwithhim]

There was a moment in time when he felt everything winding tight. Perhaps not winding, but filling up to the brim. When there was only so much he could take before it finally glimmered over the edge and spilled. That moment. Right before Rin smiled and Sousuke knew his best friend was going to be alright. It’d been a hell of a wake up call in the middle of the night; the moon still outside illuminated the bed with patches of silver rays diced through by the elegant designs across the glass. But just like the sakura trees surrounding the castle, the interior was once again peaceful and calm. Some of what had been missing—the most important parts of what had been missing—were now returned. Not enough to see his entire reflection, but more than enough for him to know he was who he was looking at.

Sousuke blinked as fingers settled on his shoulder. The one where his shinki name lay emblazoned over his skin. The one that had broken down… and rendered his dream a shattered darkness. There was no pain. The burning throb and the stabbing ice down to the core of his muscle failed to rise to the surface. Yet his mind remembered it. From the times he lay in bed above Rin in the Samezuka dorms, gritting his teeth and clenching his shoulder until his knuckles turned red and his lips threatened to bleed, doing everything he could not to make a single noise or motion that might give away his failure to the young man sleeping below him.

Rin would never know… That was what he determined to undertake. And eventually, even that determination fell apart. Rin knew… All this time, he’d known. The attention to his shoulder, the firm insistence that Sousuke submit to a massage after swimming, the quiet eye watching to make sure he didn’t overdo himself in the pool. That was why… You never stopped protecting me. Even from myself.

He grunted a little when his forehead got pushed, but it was enough to part them so Rin could tug his hand out and put it on the bed. His lover’s reaction wasn’t entirely surprising either. With his memories now, Rin knew Sousuke also knew, and he was fast enough to put things together pretty quickly. Even during intimate times, Rin paid attention to him, kissing his shoulder, frowning if he thought Sousuke rolled his arm too far despite the swimmer’s flexible shoulders. Fingers cupped as they were over the curve of his shoulder, Sousuke silently admitted to the past as Rin held him protectively. The negative cloud may be gone here, but it remained waiting for them when they got home… But, it was gone here. There was no point inviting the troubles that didn’t need to be present.

Sousuke breathed out in relief and pleasure as Rin sank down upon him, long legs tangling together as their chests and hips came flush to each other. Touching everywhere they could… The taller boy slowly lifted his legs, threading them through Rin’s and hooking around them as his loverl rested his head on his collar. Sousuke now recognized the irony of his shoulders being one of his erogenous zones… and why Rin was always a little hesitant to indulge that. He tilted his head down, lips nuzzling against Rin’s head as his boyfriend presented such a simple, treasured, and ludicrous request. How could he refuse such a thing?

“Saying such a thing to me now…” Sousuke kissed the top of Rin’s head, lipping some of the glossy maroon strands. “Aa. If it ever does… I promise. I won’t hide from you again.”

[sharkmaid]

Rin remembered it. All of it. From the moment he first saw his best friend falter in the practice pool to the last time he averted his gaze as he pulled his shirt over that black shoulder brace. For so many years he was oblivious to that pain and all the same he couldn’t even be bothered to face what was good. Was Sousuke still swimming? Was he passing his records, winning all his tournaments, pulling himself ever closer to that dream of standing on the global stage? In the back of his mind he thought about it... but at some point or another he would look away just as he did with everything else. Never wanting to face it, speak of it, think about it if he could help it. Because all it ever brought him was guilt. If only he’d stepped back into Sousuke’s life sooner or reached out to him the moment his suspicions rose... maybe his body would still be safe. Like this, in a way. Powerful, strong, unbreakable. But he couldn’t run forever. He couldn’t stay selfish forever. Not when Sousuke needed him most.

“I’ll always protect you,” he vowed, as if reading those thoughts loud and clear. From dark forces, from shinki thieves... and yes, even from himself. They might’ve possessed powers beyond human comprehension while they were here, but they weren’t indestructible by any means. Sousuke’s body was just as human as Rin’s, capable of breaking, bruising and bleeding all the same. He couldn’t turn away and let him destroy himself from the inside out.

Wrapped up as he was, Rin let his eyes fall shut and sighed into Sousuke’s skin with that kiss. The warmth and beat of his heart settled his own until finally it returned to that same relaxed rhythm as before. He remembered being underwater together as children, beneath the surface where he daydreamed of sprouting gills and chasing his best friend for hours. Like that moment, Rin didn’t want to leave this one now. Not for a while, maybe not ever, if he already had everything he wanted within reach. Safety, attention, affection... and that one promise.

Smiling, Rin held on tighter as he curled his legs under the covers. “... thank you.”

[takenwithhim]

There were those memories too. The quiet ones that lingered as he thought about his best friend swimming in the water before him. So strong and free, completely heedless to the secret Sousuke held back as he waited for his turn in the lane. He went through so much to prepare and hide the truth from Rin, knowing his best friend would break his heart when he learned of it. Rin didn’t need to be burdened by the issues of someone who had made some very bad choices. He had a future to hold onto and the last thing Sousuke wanted was to become something that held Rin back. Be it by his guilt or his kindness or his determination to care for him. So he had to wait and forced himself to grit his teeth, smile, and move forward. After all, that’s what they’d both done during those years of separation. Averting their gaze towards what really mattered. Silence happened and he didn’t chase after Rin to reignite it. Rin made his decision and Sousuke trusted it was what was best for his best friend. “I understand.” With no questions asked.

Maybe that hadn’t been the best choice…

Hindsight was always 20/20. Sousuke looked up at Rin, momentarily surprised that he picked out his thoughts so easily. He shouldn’t be surprised, obviously, but the intimacy was there none the less. A vow to protect him, the one who considered himself “perfect” that no one could beat, the strongest… needed protection. There was logic behind it especially in this place. But it was the silent reminder that Rin wouldn’t allow “Sousuke” to damage Sousuke again that got him in the quick. Would he do what he did at home here? … Probably. He did attempt to sneak out and train by himself at times, but Rin almost always caught him, confusing Sousuke as to how his god knew his intentions. But now he understood why Rin always kept such a careful watch over his workouts and training.

Sousuke let himself relax as he held Rin close, eyes shut and his mind a little quieter from the running around it’d been doing. The warmth against his chest and the beat of Rin’s heart seemed to push away the fervor above. Something he was grateful for. Especially when he felt Rin’s pace calm to normal levels. Good… he wanted him to relax. This was… a moment he was content to linger in. Arms around his best friend, legs entangled, safe and warm and cared for. A promise to protect him and care for him in exchange for a promise to never allow that silent destruction to happen again.

It was a good exchange. He felt the smile against his skin, a warm and tender sensation. “Aa… You too.”