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Who: Alex and Caster
What: Apology cake and a discussion on nora
When: Dec 12th
Where: Cú Chulainn's temple

It had been some time since the events with the mysterious forest, but the effects of decisions made that day remained with Alex. Ginia was still speaking to her, much to Alex's relief, but the guilt and shame were still there. Then again, when weren't those constants in her life?

Then there was the situation with Caster. He seemed alright, making light of things as usual with a joke or change of topic, but the man had a tendency to hide behind "alright." She wanted to be certain. His reaction was unexpected, or maybe it should have been expected considering how the Heavens viewed nora. Add to the fact that she had forced it on Ginia. So, taking his suggestion, she's brought with her an apology cake. Hopefully he and the others at the temple liked chocolate.

She brings her hand up, rasping her knuckles against the door. An unsettling feeling started to churn in the pit of her stomach, her feet shifting in place, admittedly feeling nervous about how things would go. It was different when the one possibly upset with you was someone you cared about, because it wasn't so much their anger you feared.

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Alex is like part of the family now, so the dogs don't alert Caster of the guest. That on itself means whoever is knocking is either a resident or close friend.

"Coming!" A distant voice can be heard from inside, as Caster has to traverse the width - and height - of the temple. At least until he remembers he can just appear at the door and open them, because, teleporting.

"Alex it's good to see you!" His welcome the moment he opens the door is earnest, but then his gaze slides down to...something she's holding. Is that..? He holds the door open so she can enter. One of the hounds wakes up from the nap, and starts walking towards her to greet her- but Caster just throws a "sit" command at him and lo and behold, the dog indeed sits.

"We should put it in the fridge, I'm the only one at the temple right now." She did it... she really made it. The cake.

"H-hey.." He welcomed her like nothing had happened. When they last spoke, he didn't seem upset with her, but Alex couldn't help but wonder if there was still something he just buried underneath his smile. She had rehearsed her apology a dozen times, prepared to start the moment he opened the door, but the greeting just threw off the mood.

"Um...okay.." Looks like she was coming in. She'll reach out to pat the dog affectionately, silently praising it for listening to the command. "I'm sorry..were you resting? I should have called ahead.." The way he regarded the cake was noted, and now she was perplexed over whether that was a good idea or not.

"Please, the door are always open for friends." No need to call ahead, no need for asking. This temple was made with a lot of people in mind, it's obvious by how full it always is. And there is still and still, space left.

"Ginia shouldn't be out for long-" She got injured in the ablution, but he doesn't know how to address that. Maybe he should let Ginia mention that once she's here. He leads them to the kitchen where he makes sure to store the cake. But not before peeking into the box.

"Looks absolutely delicious. Think you can stay around for a while?" So she and Ginia can maybe enjoy the cake together.

"Don't get too excited. Its just cake mix. " She had attempted making it from scratch, but those attempts....didn't go too well.

There's a short pause before she speaks again.

"Actually.." She follows him to the kitchen, placing it down on the counter. "It's for all of you here, but um..I came to talk to you." Alex looks up at him, searching for any sign of discomfort on his face.

And to the fridge from the counter, it goes.

"Shall we take a sit in a more comfortable place?"

Like around the fireplace, that because of the time of the years, keeps being lit. A crackling fire, comfortable sofas, or just pillows and furs for those willing to sit on the floor. The floor is where he sits down, Sleepy doing his- well sleeping, just next to him. He invites her to find space wherever she thinks is best.

"I'm all yours" And all ears.

Alex will choose to sit across from him, glancing around to see if anyone else might be near by. She hesitates for a few more seconds, her hands fidgeting with her dress.

"It's...about what happened before...," a pause, "....with Ginia..."

She waits to see his reaction, peering up at him as she shrinks back a little. Even if their brief talk at the time went well enough, there was something Alex couldn't let go of. Like a nagging feeling, or two, or three. It would have been easy enough to leave the topic alone, but Caster's opinion did matter to her. His feelings mattered.

"I wanted..to understand--or try to understand-- your point of view. I know it doesn't guarantee that I will, but.." She had to try.

It had surprised her that the idea of noras did not sit well with him. He seemed to be the type to be more open to such things. While it made little sense to her, it didn't necessarily mean he was bad or wrong for believing so. There must be a reason behind it. She's made the mistake of assuming such things before, and she didn't want to repeat that again.

It was a good reminder that she didn't truly know all that much about him, that there were still sides of him she hadn't seen. Maybe that was for the best, after all, ever since she got there she's been trying to maintain a certain distance. He just made that...more challenging. Though the fact she's even approaching him about this was just one of many examples of how she's contradicted herself.

This isn't going to be easily forgotten, maybe he should have expected this talk to happen sooner or later.

"We usually get Shinki by assignments, but Ginia came to me by her own choice. The first time she did though- she asked me to nora her."

Shame they're indoors he would like a smoke right now. Would give him something to do with his hands- fortunately Sleepy moves closer and decides it's time to nap partially on Caster's lap. Hi, buddy. Yes, big dog head on a thigh is good way to make the hands busy.

"I told her that it's not something I would do." Did he fully explain his stance though? He can't remember, funnily enough. "She talked with her goddess to release her and returned to me named soon after that. I was and still very honoured to be someone's choice"

He taps the dog's head as he wonders how to word it.

"Look, I know some of the new gods keep nora shinki, it's not my business why they and what for-" though he heard the whispers. You use a nora when the job is too dangerous for your own shinki. You take care of your shinki, so you spare them the worst. But he also gets it's not the case with the new gods here. "I just wouldn't make one myself. And if any of my shinki ever wanted out or to change a god, I'd release them without a question."

"Why not?" It wasn't that she thought he should or have to, but she wanted to know why. Maybe it was a bigger deal than she realized, and had been taking it too lightly.

"What if your shinki doesn't want to be released?"

You mean, what if they want to keep both names permanently?

[ Why not?

Shouldn't it be obvious? Oh right, people today do see things differently. It might not be a big deal over here. On the other hand, with what the old god says, it definitely is! So wh?ch is it. ]

I think I'd take away mine.

[ He thinks, because confident as he is, he is not sure if he would really do it. Stupidly enough he grew to care about the people that are his shinki. Probably care too much. Archer already tested this rule by nora'ing to Zelda once, she took the name away though after the fight and-

The bastard could explain it all so well. ]

I don't think it's an oath you can keep to two different individuals. Sounds like it would get messy sooner or later.

[ That's the simplest way to put it. Without defining what that oath means, without responsibilities and loyalty that binds both sides ]

[ She's not really going to understand much if you skimp on the details. From what he does share though, Alex tries to discern what about it specifically bothers him. ]

What oath? [ Because Alex didn't remember anything about promises being made between a god and shinki. It seemed like any promises made were done of their own volition. ]

Do... you think they'd choose someone else over you?

[ That could be a legitimate concern, say, if one wanted to call their shinki but that shinki was in their vessel form with another god. In that position, how would they choose? ]

[ Skimping the details is what he does best, but here it's clear it's not going to be enough. Anyone else he would dismiss the conversation, make a joke, distract, turn it somewhere else. But not with Alex, Alex deserves to knot enough to decide if she can understand or if she doesn't agree. ]

The way I see it... [ And maybe only him ] It's a promise. An oath. In a way similar like a lord and a vassal, you know, a mutual obligation.

[ It might be a bad example, he does not seek to rule over his shinki like monarch would over subject. Please, no. But it's also an only example that makes sense to him ]

Shinki agrees to become a weapon for their god, thanks to the shinki gods can handle rending ayakashi, they gain an important advantage in this fight. They are also a bridge between god and mortals, as they tend to understand them better. A moral compass.

[ Might be seen as an important role just for the old gods, not the new ones- but he found his shinki to truly shine in this aspect. He hadn't been alive for two thousands of years, and things changed a lot. ]

But it's mutual, it goes both ways. God is responsible for their shinki, of providing for them and taking care and ensuring their well being. It's not just giving shinki a roof over their head- waking up without memories, getting into a new unknown role. That's not easy to adjust when you think about it.

[ He rubs his chin as he collects his thoughts. This is something he mulls over when left alone. Something he never really talked about with anyone. ]

I think a good god is in a way a guide for their shinki, an inspiration. To seek, to grow, adapt and enjoy. Someone they can trust with their problems. [ Otherwise, it gets even messier, given gods know what their shinki feel. It's also a ton of responsibility. ] A leader.

How does it work when shinki makes a promise to two gods. In which temple does the shinki lives? Is the one they don't live with just an "additional" god? Or is that god equally important? What happens when one god takes the shinki for a fight and the other needs them to, not to mention-

[ The worst case scenario ]

What if those gods fall into conflict, and shinki has to choose? Keeping word to one of the gods, breaks the promise to another. And if they ever treated it seriously then-

[ The guilt. The blight. How bad it can go. He's only heard whispers, but he sees Ginia everyday, how much suffering the failed ablution caused her. He doesn't push, he does not try to force an answer out of her. But he observes and he does worry. ]

[ Everything about this conversation showed a different Cú, from the tone of his voice to the words he spoke. They were heavy. Nothing like the light-hearted atmosphere he tended to create. Yet these were his sincere beliefs, and thus still him.

Lords, vassals, oaths, and leadership. These were all beyond Alex, another reminder of their differences. Really, the man sometimes sounded like someone straight out of a fairy tale. However, these were all very real to him, and something that seemed important to him.

The way he described the roles of gods and shinki sounded textbook, and yet showed how much thought he had put into them. Her own understanding seemed shallow in comparison. Despite the depth, however, it made things sound far too clear cut to her. This was what a god was, and that was what a shinki was. But just as his questions at the end showed, it was far more complex than that.

She lets his words sink in, trying her best to understand where he was coming from.

Loyalty. Was that what he meant? But what was that? What did it look like? To whom must one be loyal to? Themselves, or to someone else? Was it to follow directions, no matter what they were, or was it to do whatever was best for the other, even if it were to go against their wishes?

Maybe that was his way of being responsible for them. By cutting them off, then they wouldn't need to make those tough calls. ] But..we all make those choices, I think. Whether it be between things or people..we pick one over the other in some way. Sometimes in small, insignificant ways, other times in big ways. But I don't think that means the other was any less important.

[ She fidgets with her fingers on her lap, rubbing the fabric of her dress. There were certain instances she could think go herself, though many forgotten.]

Even if we're 'gods' and 'shinki' now...we're still people. And even if people can't get blighted or turn into ayakashi..their choices can still weigh on them. The guilt can still consume them and turn them into something else. We’ve all been doing that before we came here.

And we’ve still made it this far. [ That had to count for something, didn't it? Her eyes ask that as she looks back at him, but a moment later they drop back to her hands. ]

I think...we need to trust that they'll be able to make the choices they won't regret, and handle whatever comes of it. And if it's how you said, that we're responsible for them...then doesn't that also mean supporting them in whatever they decide? To still be there to catch them, no matter what?

[ Her gaze shifts to his hands. ]

I..don't really know anything about how to be a good god. I can't really say anything about that, and I think what you said about what we should be doing is probably right... But the way you care for them--the way you're caring for them now..I think that's what makes you great at being one. And that's why you have such amazing people gathered around you. People that care about you just as much. And you know more than I do about how capable they are.

I don't know anything about it either, so that makes us even. [ Caster laughs briefly. They're both winging it and figuring it out. And he's incredibly grateful for Alex even wanting to hear about it, not to mention discuss it. As this isn't a topic you casually talk about on social gatherings, or while fishing. ]

They are amazing, I agree. All of you. [ He adds with a softer but also somber tone. A good company seems to be something he falls into quite often. Bunch of great people- this is the first time he holds an authority over them though. ]

People make choices based on their beliefs, hopes or fears. The first one is the hardest to take because sometimes it's not the one that gives the most benefits. That's why I always respect someone sticking to their beliefs. [ Even if it's at odds with his. ]

But I have my own too, and sometimes it can be at odds with that of my friend's. [ The nora deal is a clear example of that. He's flexible enough to understand the different situations. He was dead and Archer kept Zelda safe in his stead, as a shinki in the only way he knew- by providing her with a weapon to fight her fights. There was no one else around and Ginia provided help and weapon to Alex, a friend, and an ally to all of them. In both cases, the name was revoked soon after, a hush-hush kind of deal. Neither of them suffered consequences, albeit both left him with doubts in his role as a god. ]

Sometimes the differences can be worked out in an amicable manner. [ Like with Fergus during Medb's invasion ] Sometimes... not so much. Friendship is a separate thing from allies and enemies.

[ Ferdiad, during the same war. Two opposing sides, and neither would yield. Neither was allowed to. Caster shakes his head, it's not time to get lost in memories and longings. ]

I won't ask anyone to compromise what they believe in for me- [ but it goes both ways. ]

But why does it have to be separate? Being alloes, friends..humans or gods? How can we separate those things if that’s what we are as a whole?

[ Maybe she was naive, and her questions childish, but how else could she understand unless it was explained? ]

How do you know which role to put first? What if what you believe..isn’t what you want? Is this really what you want?

[ He was always encouraging her to go for that, her desiree, things that make her happy. Surely this wouldn’t make him happy. Why should he choose against that? ]

[ It's hard to explain when they are talking in... such hypothetical concepts. It would be easier to tell on a very precise example. There is one. There is one but just talking about it is going to be hard-

But of all people here, Alex deserves it. She's trying to understand, it might be that their world is just too different to find understanding in here, but she is making an effort, so he should do as well. ]

I had a friend, really close one- some would call us blood brothers, others would use a very different word... [ Bah. ] We went somewhere far away, a scary demanding place. There, we found a teacher, trained together under her and- just had a really good time for a few years. It was tough, but it was worth it.

[ It sounds like he is ignoring her questions, but he is not. It's part of the answer ]

But you know, he was from Connacht, I was from Ulster. When the time to part was upon us, each of us jokingly asked the other if you'd go with me- of course, neither of us wouldn't. Homeland and stuff. We had families and duties to return to- it might have been last time we saw each other. Sadly, it wasn't.

[ It would be better if it was. ]

Several years later, the war broke between our kingdoms. It didn't change our close bond when we met again on the battlefield. But that bond couldn't change the fact we were enemies now.

[ His shoulders sag as if under a heavy weight. He does not like remembering the die when he killed someone dear to him- but he won't deny that it happened either. That's one of the things that shaped him, that shaped his story. ]

It's not something I want, but it's something that happens. [ That's why he thinks it's separate. You can be enemies and friends. ] Ferdiad. His name was Ferdiad.

[ While Alex usually enjoyed Caster's stories, it was obvious that this one had more weight to it.

His name was Ferdiad. Was.

True enough, it was a concept beyond her. For him to have to hurt someone he cared for so much because of his duty to his homeland..his loyalty to them.

Could she do it? Maybe their relationship was nothing like that of Cu and Ferdiad, but could she, say, hurt Nicolas or Worrick for her brother? It seems like an impossible decision, but Cu is able to take action. He makes the hard choices. Was indecision better or worse? ]

That's such a painful thing to carry with you...

Edited 2018-11-22 01:23 (UTC)

[ One sentence. One sentence is enough to stun him. At first, he's just- shocked how deep those words went. Like a metal knife, heated over a fire and then used to cauterize a wound. A painful, but necessary procedure.

If there was a day he was really close, even to himself, that he's just incredibly tired of always being dragged somewhere, having to do someone's biding that he never really wanted to do- and hurt those he cared about in the process-- that might be this day. Which really, should put things in perspective.

Freedom is a concept that drives at least some of the people to going nora- Freedom is a concept that is also sort of meaningless because people are never truly free of duties, promises and bonds, they are always part of some system that restricts them.

He leans closer and catches her hand in both of his. Then he presses a kiss at her fingers. Not really knowing what to say, aside from an awkward ]

Right.. Thanks. [ He means it. ] But I sometimes get a feeling... you carry much heavier burden.

[ In the end, a lot of shitty stuff happened in his life. But did the bad overweight the bad, or was just the ending unfortunate? Alex very rarely talks about herself. And some glimpses shown, like during that moonviewing- They don't paint a pretty picture. ]

[ Alex wouldn’t pull away. She’s felt joking touches before, but when he got like this, like in the moon viewing, it felt wrong to do so. His touch was gentle, and it filled her with a soft warmth. Such caring touches were foreign to her, but if it helped Caster in expressing himself, she didn’t mind them. Rather, she quite liked how they felt. She squeezed his hands back, placing the other one on top of them.

The redirect to her— was it him deflecting? She wondered, but she could also feel his sincere concern. She shifts so she’s facing him more. ]

Your pain isn’t something to compare to others. It still hurts you..

Edited 2018-11-25 00:33 (UTC)

There are ways to forget it- sometimes necessary to just be able to continue.

[ Alex is probably the person that- aside from Archer who made sure to do his research- knows him the best. The most intimately in a way. There is truly no one else he opened himself to, to this extent. So it's less of a deflection and more of a concern

If he takes so much, it is only fair if he gives an equal amount ]

I do not mean to compare. I just want to remind- you can confide in me if you ever need to.

But it seems to hurt much more when you remember..

[ They might've been talking about different things, but every bit of memory that returns to her seems to cause more pain.

But his offer touches her, and she is aware that Caster has divulged much more than she has abut herself. It did seem hypocritical of her to encourage him to talk when she herself wouldn't. ]

I..think I can too. [ Confide in him, that is. He's always been one of the people that have been there for her, in more ways than she ever expected. If it was Caster, then maybe...

Ah, but he did have an older way of thinking. In that case, wouldn't he disapprove of what she was? Her grip tightens slightly at the thought. ]

But I'm..not really sure where to start. If there's anything you'd like to know..I don't mind if you ask. I'm just not sure if I can give an answer. [ Either out of fear, or because she simply couldn't remember that much about herself. ]

I'd like to know more- but I also don't want to cause you pain by inquiring-

[ It's hard not to notice her expression when says "But it seems to hurt much more when you remember." That's what always stops him. He have things he'd rather not remember and generally not talk about-- hers seem to weight much heavier. ]

If you ever want to share, I will be there to listen and every one of your secrets would be safe with me. But if you'd rather have me as someone who helps you forget, I will do my best.

[ His attitude of past things staying in the past is just his coping mechanism, not the best and wisest choice ever made. But since it helps him, he is willing to try and pull others into just present with him ]

You wouldn't hurt me.

[ It's one of the few things she could say with all certainty. It really wasn't him, but more of her. She was so used to everyone else knowing her background, that she hadn't had to say it herself. Although Worrick also didn't delve much past what he already knew, but just like with him, she didn't think she'd mind if Caster asked. Maybe she couldn't give all the answers, but that's not to say she didn't have any to give.

Her thumb brushes over his hand thoughtfully. ]

What's the saying...it doesn't hurt to ask?

[ She looks up at him with a lighthearted smile. ]

And you don't need to be anything but yourself..that's more than good enough for me.

Edited 2018-11-27 03:42 (UTC)

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that icon is so pretty

aww thanks! the person who colored it did so well

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