thenearshore | (no subject)

Entry tags:

suzaku kururugi | code geass

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Who: Marinette, Adrien, Snake, Shin, Dust, whoever else would be likely to be around Fortuna's temple/Bast's temple.
When: the entire month of December
Where: the area surrounding Fortuna's temple/what will later become the combined temples of Fortuna and Bast.
What: Stuff and things.

December had always been a happy time, at least for Marinette. But December here brought with it a handful of changes to her already topsy-turvy life that she hadn't seen coming. Adrien had become a god, Bast specifically, and his temple had popped up right next to hers.

She'd named a third shinki shortly after naming Snake, and wasn't quite sure how to feel about that just yet. At least he seemed to be settling in well enough.

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Having heard Adrien's half of things, Celestia knew she really ought to check in on Marinette. And though at this point only duty and obligation compelled her to stir, those were powerful forces inside her indeed.

And thoughtfully, she sent a text ahead, advising Marinette she was on her way. Much less of a chance of running into Adrien that way, which would have been awkward when she was trying to tease information out of the other half of that trouble spot. Or possibly third?

The text wasn't a huge surprise, but she was still kind of dreading the conversation she assumed was coming. Marinette had been in the middle of making another batch of macarons when it had come in and she'd just put another tray into the oven, so the kitchen was where Celestia would likely find her. With that thought in mind, she went to put some tea on while she waited.

"Hello, Marinette." Celestia announced herself with that greeting as she paced in, looking at the young mare with gentle warmth and concern. "I hope I'm not interrupting."

"Hi Celestia!" It was easy to be cheerful despite the way she was feeling, because she'd come to think of Celestia as a really good friend. And honestly, they didn't see enough of one another, so she was going to think of this as a good thing.

She'll take that as a no, even though it might possibly be a yes.

"How are you doing?" she asked, with just the right amount of inflection to make it clear that the question wasn't the shallow social kind. She actually wanted an answer.

"Don't worry, you're not interrupting," Marinette insisted, because she realized she hadn't actually answered her before. Oops~

That question gave her pause, though. Because on the one hand, she was generally okay. But on the other, she felt like it might be nice to actually be able to talk about how she felt with someone who wasn't so close to the situation.

"The short answer is not really?" Which probably made it sound a lot worse than it actually was, but such was life.

"Well, I'm glad for your honesty," Celestia said, smile still gentle. Unconsciously echoing Marinette's thoughts, she added, "I thought you might want a sympathetic ear, after everything I've heard."

Marinette was nothing, if not honest. Except with Adrien, it seemed. Part of that couldn't be helped before, and she honestly had no idea how she'd managed to go so long without accidentally telling him something she shouldn't. But she'd spent so much time having to keep things from him that it had pretty much become a habit. She was good at it, and she couldn't decide how to feel about that.

"I'm not sure what I want."

Celestia could understand that very well indeed.

"I will certainly not force you to talk about anything. But I do not think it would hurt." She wasn't a mother, of course, but she knew how to be a little motherly, and that was what she brought to bear -- a gentle and supportive presence.

"I know," Marinette told her. "I wasn't worried about you doing that. And I do want to tell someone." Just because she couldn't really say anything to Adrien or Snake didn't mean she didn't want to say something. "I guess I'm just... not sure where to start?"

"If it helps, I have already heard Adrien's side of the story -- that he was badly injured, possibly dead, only to come back as a god, and that in the course of that process he confessed feelings to both you and Snake."

How Marinette managed to get entangled in all this drama is beyond her.

That wasn't terribly surprising.

"See, we're from the same place. I had a crush on him back at home but I wasn't ever able to speak to him normally. But I only found out he was Chat Noir when we came here... because I watched him die. And I guess that made it easier to be around him?" Honestly, Marinette had no idea, but she wasn't questioning it.

"And obviously I couldn't tell him any of that because he didn't remember me, or anything, and I didn't want to accidentally say something that might turn him into an ayakashi. So I had to lie to him every single day, and I hated it." She realized what she probably sounded like, but once she'd started talking it was difficult to stop.

"I told him I liked someone from back home, which wasn't technically a lie but I still feel stupid for even saying anything at all. But I couldn't really say 'Oh, yea, I'm in love with you. Isn't that hilarious?' because then he'd think I'm a crazy person." By this point, she was pacing from one end of the room to the other, not really paying much attention to Celestia.

"And then I named Snake without really thinking about if things would get weird. And they didn't, but then they started liking each other... so I figured... whatever. I didn't have to say anything to Adrien. It would be fine!" Or something.

"But then he got hurt and told us that he loved us, and I don't even know if he died again or not. And now he's a god, and remembers everything and I don't know how to feel about any of it. So I've just been... not talking about it at all!"

There we go. Start her talking and it would all come out, as it needed to. Much like an infection, it needed to be lanced and drained.

Celestia listened to this speech with patient sympathy, and when it was finished, she gave Marinette a moment to breathe before she spoke.

"I don't blame you for not knowing how to feel. It must be very confusing to you. However, I must say one thing first."

She reached out with one foreleg, to gently rest it on Marinette's shoulder. The size difference between them was vast, though it would have been something still had she assumed a human form; now Celestia used her greater mass to add weight and gravity to her words.

"Absolve yourself of guilt for lying to him," she said. "It is all right to dislike having to do it, but do not blame yourself. You did the right thing for his sake, even though it felt terrible, and that is something commendable about you."

As much as she'd been avoiding talking about it, she supposed she did feel a little better after she'd finished. Maybe.

Marinette blinked and glanced over at Celestia as she spoke up, because honestly, she'd take whatever advice she could give her at this point.

"I'm just... tired," she said softly. This time last year, her biggest worry had been figuring out how to not act like a freak in front of Adrien and how to balance being Ladybug with being Marinette. Compared to this, it had been a cake walk. Tired of lying, tired of pretending everything was fine so the boys wouldn't worry, tired of being away from her parents and her home and a world in which things made sense.

So when she felt Celestia's leg on her shoulder, she released a breath and leaned into it. "If it was that simple, I'd have done it already. But I was lying to him before we got here," she protested. "Only I didn't know about it at the time." Maybe if she kept reminding herself of that, she wouldn't feel so bad about it. "I miss my maman..."

"If you didn't feel tired or confused, I would be amazed. It's okay to feel that way. It's okay to feel all the ways you are feeling, because you are going through more than anypony should need to." Honestly, Marinette having not cracked spoke very highly of how strong she really was.

"Let's try to look at all your troubles one at a time, and see what we can make of them, all right? Not thinking about it is only going to make the pressure in your head build up until it bursts, you know."

If she couldn't have Sabine for snuggling and advice, she was more than content to allow Celestia to stand in. Still, she had a hard time not feeling a little guilty for all of this. She was big enough to admit when she was acting ridiculous, and if this wasn't the very definition, Marinette had no idea what was.

But Celestia had a point. Maybe it would be easier to sort things out one at a time. "That might work," she mused. It was just a little difficult to break the habit of pretending things were fine for the sake of everyone else. "Yea... I think I was just hoping it would get easier if I waited?"

"It is possible, but I do not think it is likely."

Marinette didn't need to pretend -- really couldn't pretend, since Celestia knew perfectly well that things were not fine and wasn't about to let Marinette say otherwise.

"Where would you like to begin?"

"It doesn't seem to be working. The only thing I've managed to do was make myself sad."

Because she missed being with Adrien and not having to think much about the way she felt. It had gotten really easy to pretend it wasn't a thing that mattered when he'd had no memory of anything.

Now, though, she had no such luxury, and she didn't honestly know how to be around him now.

"I don't know. I'm just... I don't know how to be around him now!"

"That's an understandable feeling. And also one reason I told you to absolve yourself of guilt for lying to him. After all, isn't part of your awkwardness the fact that he now knows you were lying, and you feel absolutely terrible about it?"

There was much more to it, of course. But as she'd said, one step at a time.

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