thenearshore | carried away [closed]

Who: Elsa

killsthebuddha
What: An attempt to discuss Sanzo's nora...ness, becomes a nice chat about the need (or lack thereof) for literally opening your arms to death in battle
When: Night of April 5
Where: Menrva's temple, outside
Warnings: Sanzo. Unresolved issues a-plenty. Talking about death, probably. Will edit if necessary!

What a day.

That's probably an understatement, and yet it's the only way Elsa can think to describe all that happened. Suspicious happenings at a school; getting to teach again, even if it was only to be undercover; learning that Sanzo risked his reputation to save Gojyo's life by becoming a nora, that he demanded to be named; fighting so hard that Hakkai's sword form nearly broke; naming Goku to keep everyone safe.

What a day.

And it isn't quite over yet.

By now, Elsa is familiar with Sanzo's habits, so she goes to find him outdoors and under the night sky.

"It really is beautiful here," she remarks as she approaches him, looking up at the moon, unobstructed by clouds or light pollution. "Almost makes you forget the day we all had."

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There is something about the moon that draws him out, and he's found himself habitually sitting out and having a smoke and a drink (or three). The soft light made for better company than people did, though he makes no move to try to ward her off when she approaches.

He takes a drag off his cigarette and looks over to her, exhaling slowly before shaking his head.

"Not really." His voice is quieter than usual, missing that tense, rough edge that he so often has in the day. "A night like this throws the day into such sharp relief, I couldn't forget."

"That's another way of looking at it, yeah." She prefers her way, but then, she knows why moonlit nights relax her, remembers going out to dance with Anton on a dance floor that spilled out onto an open deck, forgetting everything but the two of them and the music. Life had been so simple then, before Mesogog, before all of this. It isn't fair.

But that isn't why she's here right now.

"I spoke with Gojyo earlier today. It happened to be when you were upset." There's a slight pause as she considers just saying it, what she came here to say and discuss, but her need to be polite and considerate overrides that. "You don't need to tell me what happened to make you feel that way, but if you want to tell me, I'll listen."

The truth was that he'd had enough of forgetting. While there wasn't anything to be done about the past, it was gone and there was nothing left but to keep going, he doesn't have anything to fall back on but a lifetime's worth of carefully honed muscle memory and no reasons for it. There's nothing to do for it. He either could trust his reflexes and intuitions without understanding why they were in place, or slow down enough to think and risk losing the crucial momentum that kept him moving.

To lose momentum would be to lose it all.

"Is that what you're here for?" The words are direct, but he doesn't look at her. "You have something to say."

Upset is too damn soft a word for how he'd felt today, but that'd been just another reflex. It'd been an atavistic, unreasoning response to a sense of nothing. He suppresses a flash of anger that she has such a way to view him at his weakest, and, hell, Gojyo had been able to, too.

Edited 2016-07-28 13:57 (UTC)

All right, she'll just get to the point, then.

"I know you told Gojyo to name you. I want you to know I have no problem with that. Heaven may look down on shinki with more than one vessel name, but if it's your choice, then I don't see why I should be upset."

"You want me to know I have your support," he doesn't ask so much as declare, still using that tone with all the soft edges.

"That's right." She pauses, nodding once. "I don't own you. You own yourself."

It occurs to her as she says so that this is entirely too easy. It shouldn't be, she thinks, if only because of who Sanzo's new god is and what Gojyo knows about Sanzo's past.

Elsa wants something very badly, and Sanzo isn't entirely sure he wants to know what it is. He's almost certain that she has no idea herself. His eyes cut to the side to look at her, focusing with an intensity that, in another life, had led religious men to wonder if they had an asura or rakshasa in their midst. He has no idea.

Instead, he wonders if he's just seeing what he wants to when he looks at her. He is not as entirely certain of himself as he'd like to be. He couldn't be, not when so much in his life felt as elusive as the moon reflected in the cup of wine that sat on the ground beside him.

"Just who are you telling that to?"

What?

"To you." Who else would she be telling that to? He's newer here, and she doesn't know what anyone else has told him about what shinki should or shouldn't do or be or say. What harm is there in reminding him of something she feels so strongly about, something that could very well form the foundation of their relationship?

(And no, she doesn't know what she wants, not for herself or for them. She'd thought she wanted to fight the Heavens, but nothing is terribly clear anymore. Fights involve damage and injury. Hakkai had gotten hurt today. She can't fight alone anymore, and yet she's as much someone's general as she was last year. What she wants is as much of a mystery to her as what brought her here.)

"Of course, to you."

"I don't know who the hell told you I needed to hear that." He reaches over, grasping his cup. If he kept focused, he could keep his emotions smooth and steady, but wine could muddle them well enough in its own way. Fighting to keep it all together and stable is exhausting in its own way, and he's never sure how much the gods can pick up.

"I never asked to be your burden, so why are you insisting on carrying me?"

Something like resentment and concern bubble up beneath the words, but he thinks he does well in suppressing them.

To his credit, he's doing a good job suppressing his emotions. Elsa only feels them vaguely, and not enough to decipher what they are. Besides which, her confusion drowns out anything else. This doesn't make sense. It's not at all what she expected Sanzo would say.

"No one told me I need to do anything. I want to tell you, and I insist because you were assigned to me, and I'm not going to abandon you."

She won't make him fear for his wellbeing the way Mesogog made her fear for hers, won't make him think that any mistake merits punishment of any kind.

carried away [closed]

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