So I'm gonna fuck it up again...

[erogappa]

Who: Gojyo and Goku, Gojyo and Hakkai
What: Arguing, mostly. Immediately following Zelda’s info-sharing meetup, Gojyo storms off.
When: December 21st
Where: Walking through the Far Shore (Goku); At the bar formerly known as KINYOBI (Hakkai)
Warnings: Undoubtedly talk about death, self-harm, and the impermanence of being

Comments

For Goku

[erogappa]

Gojyo storms out of Zelda’s temple, heading for the little temple at the edge of the Far Shore that would take him to Tokyo, and his bar, and – ideally – some peace and quiet. Goku’s running after him, but he doesn’t slow his pace one bit, long legs eating up the distance. He’s too mad to think clearly... but, deep down, he’s pretty sure this is going to help his plan in the long run. Stupid angry Gojyo, he thinks. Can’t even have a conversation about siccing Chikusa on some little girl without getting mad and storming off. No way a guy like that could deceive everyone and sneak off.

[rockthemonkey]

Gojyo!

[For every step Gojyo takes, Goku has to take two. Luckily, Goku isn't above just running after him to make up the distance. He doesn't have a plan here, doesn't even know where they're going, but he knows Gojyo shouldn't be alone right now. Gojyo does stupid stuff when he's mad and on his own.]

Gojyo, wait up!

[And even if he doesn't do anything stupid, he still shouldn't be alone. No one should be alone.]

[erogappa]

[ He's not waiting. ]

Fuck off! [ --he growls over his shoulder. He's not actually mad at Goku -- the kid didn't do anything wrong, and it feels bad to yell at him -- but this isn't the kind of situation that can be fixed by sitting down and talking quietly.

It could be fixed by punching Chikusa repeatedly in the face, he thinks, and can't help but smirk. ]

Whatever you need to say, I've heard enough.

[rockthemonkey]

[He doesn't have to wait, Goku catches up easily and grabs hold of Gojyo's arm. He's not trying to stop him, just trying to make sure he doesn't lose him.]

Don't yell at me, I didn't do nothin'! [And he's not about to put up with crap just because Gojyo's mad at everyone else.] Where're you goin'?

[Wherever it is, Goku's going too.]

[erogappa]

[ That gets him to stop, if for nothing else than that he needs to stop in order to shake off Goku's grip. ]

I'm goin' to work. My job? Just like I said I was. [ Fuck, does Goku see right through him? Was the real Sha Gojyo a liar, too? ...Of course he was, Gojyo fumes quietly. He's just following the path his memories laid for him. He was built to be a stupid liar, and that's what he'll always be.

Closing his eyes briefly, Gojyo takes a deep breath and lets it out slow. ]

I'm not mad at you, okay? I just want you to fuck off for awhile.

[rockthemonkey]

[It's not that Gojyo's stupid or a liar. Goku's inclined to believe anything Gojyo tells him, if no one else is there to contradict him. But at the same time, he knows Gojyo. Knows this situation hits all his buttons. Knows that none of them make their best decisions while upset.]

... Can't I come with you? [Gojyo's not mad, so why does he want him to leave?] I won't get in the way.

[erogappa]

[ He knows Gojyo btter than Gojyo does, and that's part of the problem. ]

No. [ Shit, it's Goku. He regrets his snappish tone immediately. With a sigh, he starts walking again, but at a less furious pace, hands jammed angrily into his pockets. ] I need to be mad for a bit, lemme be mad.

[rockthemonkey]

[A snappish tone barely registers with Goku, even from Gojyo. It takes more than that to deter him.]

I'm not gonna stop ya from being mad.

[How would that even work? He's not magic. All he can do is follow behind Gojyo like a loyal puppy.]

... I don't get why ya need to be mad though.

[erogappa]

[ That puppy is gonna get kicked if he doesn't fuck off. ]

Weren't you listening? [ He flails one arm behind him, in the general direction of Zelda's temple. ] All of 'em think Votelli's the bad guy here!

[ And, muttering under his breath: ] They want to sic Chikusa an' Ken on her, fucking assholes. Might as well just shoot her, it'd be quicker.

[rockthemonkey]

What's Ken got t'do with anything? An' Chikusa wasn't even sayin' anything when we were talking to all the others!

[Goku really doesn't get what Gojyo and Chikusa's problem with each other is. Sure, bickering and pranks and insults are all normal. But Gojyo seems to get so worked up about him, in a way Goku doesn't really expect from him. It's weird.]

... And I don't think they wanna hurt her. I think they're bein' kinda dumb, but that's different.

[erogappa]

They're bein' the kind of dumb that gets people killed, shrimp.

[ Chikusa didn't have to say anything. Chikusa was just waiting off on the sidelines for his opportunity to humiliate Gojyo once again. There's a hufe difference between friends teasing each other and the way Chikusa treats Gojyo... and if Gojyo had any friends he'd be able to put that into words. As it is, all he knows is that Chikusa gets right up under his skin and that nobody seems to see anything wrong with it.

To tell the truth -- not that he'd ever say it aloud -- it really hurts his feelings. ]

They just see her as a problem to be gotten rid of. Her Sensei was right to keep her away from this place.

[rockthemonkey]

[You have a friend right here, Gojyo.]

None of 'em said that. [Some of them were being a bit colder than Goku would like, but everyone seemed to agree that Votelli was a victim too. Maybe not an ally, but not an enemy either.] They're just scared an' tryin' to think of what to do.

[He gets wanting to talk about it with other people, even if you've promised not to. It's easier with other people helping you out.]

We just gotta make sure they don't fuck anything up and get her hurt.

[erogappa]

[ Just because he'd go out of his way and nearly drown in order to cheer Goku up, and would very likely die for him, doesn't mean they're friends. Gojyos's a terrible person who nobody likes, and he's sticking to that narrative for now. ]

Then you go with 'em. [ Gojyo, meanwhile, isn't staying one step off his path. ] You go explain why we promised to keep her a secret but then came back with a whole army of pushy assholes.

For Hakkai

[erogappa]

An hour or so later, and he’s run out of things to clean. With the smaller, invite-only crowds that have replaced the busy drunken parties, the bar doesn’t get nearly as trashed, and there’s less to do to get the place ready for the evening’s gathering. The talks have been getting pretty navel-gazey lately, he’s noticed. He doesn’t have the brain for heavy philosophical stuff, but some of the conversations have touched on things like life after death, what’s real and what isn’t, whether memories can be trusted… It’s been interesting, to say the least.

His cup of coffee has gone cold, but he sips it anyway, sitting at the bar and gazing off through the mirror into the middle distance. Votelli’s about the same age as Amaterasu, he thinks. That can’t be a coincidence.

[reformedsinner]

Hakkai's reflection is only a smear at the edge of the mirror, pausing in the doorway as he looks at Gojyo leaning over the bar with his coffee. He's here, at least. He'd gone where he said he would, and there's a part of Hakkai's mind he hadn't been allowing free rein that's deeply relieved to see that.

He raises his hand, rapping the backs of his knuckles against the doorframe in a knock that's meant to catch Gojyo's attention without intruding.

Without intruding, precisely. He doesn't say anything yet; his expression is guarded, but distant, and for once he's not bothering to smile.

[erogappa]

The knock startles him out of his own navel gazing, and something cold settles over the back of his mind when he recognized Hakkai in the mirror. So he's here. First Goku, now Hakkai. If Sharak were still here, he thinks, she'd show up this evening, sauntering in like she owned the place and ordering a drink like nothing had happened.

God he misses her.

Hakkai won't be as easy to chase off as Goku had been, he knows. He takes another swig of his coffee and turns about on the bar stool, sliding off and onto his feet. Maybe he can get Hakkai to just be mad at him for awhile? That would be easier than having to lie too much. It's worth a shot.

He tucks his hands into his jeans pockets, and lifts his head to meet Hakkai's eye, his expression carefully blank.

"All right. Say what you need to say."

[reformedsinner]

Hands tucked into his pockets, face so-carefully frozen into a stoic mask: Hakkai meets his gaze as a few seconds tick by, and then sighs, stepping into the bar and letting the door swing closed behind him. It's warmer inside, with the brisk December breeze shut away.

"Don't look at me like you've been sent to talk to the principal," he says, crossing to the bar. It's much better looking, now, the blood scrubbed and bleached away, every scar patched. It smells of nothing more offensive than lemon floor cleanser and beer. Gojyo's done a good job. Even the bar stools are new.

He settles onto one, resting his elbows on the bar. Even if Gojyo wants to play-act someone being called in for a lecture (perhaps, especially if) he sees no reason to play along.

"What I want to say," he informs the mirror, "is that if we're going to work together, we have to actually work together."

[erogappa]

Yeah, Asato's is a much classier place than Friday was. Another time, he'd take a lot of pride in showing off all the ways he and Tsu had fixed it up. Hell, in another life he might have found a calling in construction.

But he doesn't get another life.

"See, and that's the problem." Hakkai can sit -- Gojyo's going to remain standing. "That together isn't ever just you and me." And really, it's long past time they had a talk about the giant bird in the room.

[reformedsinner]

"No," Hakkai agrees, and turns on his stool to look at Gojyo, since it seems he's not going to take Hakkai's cue for a less formal tone. "It's not just you and me, and that's not going to change."

The giant bird isn't going to be out of the room. He's difficult to get along with; well, so is Hakkai, and so is Gojyo, lately. But perhaps it is past time that Hakkai stop hoping one of them is going to be the one to bend.

Perhaps it's long past time. He keeps letting Chikusa's grudges smolder, he reflects, and it never ends well.

[erogappa]

The muscle in the corner of Gojyo's jaw twitches as he fights to keep himself under control. Then there isn't anything else to say, he wants to snap. Get the fuck out of my bar.

But he doesn't want Hakkai to get the fuck out. These last few weeks with Hakkai have been the best of his very short life. Why can't there be a way to get Chikusa to fuck off? He's got another god, right?

"I get that you don't trust me." He keeps his hands in his pockets, and doesn't let himself look away from Hakkai's face. "And you shouldn't. I've fucked up too much to be trusted, I get that." The guilt from that statement is too much to bear, and he's sure he's stung Hakkai with it. But apologies won't do anyone any good right now -- he presses on. "And I get that you need somebody to watch me, too, but for fuck's sake, Hakkai," he pleads, pride be damned. "Pick somebody else."

[reformedsinner]

Acid blight burns the nape of Hakkai's neck as Gojyo claims he can't be trusted, and Hakkai closes his eyes, briefly. The corner of his mouth twitches, not quite enough to be clear whether it would have been a smile or a frown.

Opening them again, and looking back up to meet Gojyo's gaze, he says flatly, "The only person I ever asked to look out for you was Ayumu, months ago, because you weren't talking to me at the time." And that had ended well for everyone concerned. The ache of talking about Ayumu isn't really any less, now that she's back, he reflects. He'd thought it would be.

"If he's watching you, that's his choice. He's the one who doesn't trust you yet." His eyes hurt. It's been a long day, he supposes, and he isn't wearing his glasses; frustration boils up at last, sharpening his tone. "And I don't know why you think I'd set someone you hate to follow you around instead of doing it myself if I didn't trust you alone."

Frustration, and maybe a little hurt. The words are bitter on his tongue: Gojyo might well believe that Hakkai doesn't trust him yet. Hakkai doesn't, not entirely. Not to make tactically sound decisions when he's upset, certainly. Not to avoid picking fights if he feels insecure.

He would've hoped, though, that Gojyo was at least willing to believe that Hakkai cared about his feelings.

[erogappa]

"Don't you?" His tone is equally bitter; standing next to the bar is proving to be too big a temptation so Gojyo pushes off, heading out into the open space where the tables used to be scattered about. Now they're grouped together, one big long table at the far end of the room, which leaves plenty of space for pacing.

"When I got arrested, you sent them to beat me up and drag me out of my cell, didn't you?" It's good -- the pacing helps. The last thing he wants is to get drunk right now. "I can't fuckin' turn around without that guy cropping up and putting a borderline right in front of me, and knockin' me on my ass. Are you really gonna tell me that you didn't know what your exemplar was up to all this time?"

His exemplar, who he'd taken to Ayumu's ablution instead of Gojyo. He knows why Hakkai would pick Chikusa over him -- there's so many reasons, and they're all good ones. Chikusa's better at shinki magic than Gojyo will ever be. But that doesn't mean being excluded didn't hurt.

[reformedsinner]

"If I wanted you beaten up, I'd do that myself, too." Hakkai's mouth pulls into a flat line, and he crosses his arms, watching Gojyo pace wildly. It had been Ayumu who had asked them to go get Gojyo out of jail. Perhaps it should have been him; perhaps there's no real virtue in saying that he hadn't asked anyone to get Gojyo out of jail when he was arrested.

At least the sting of being accused of sending Chikusa and Ken to beat him up -- the sting, really, of realizing that Gojyo believes that of him, and has been believing that of him all this time while Hakkai believed things were better -- is a new and different one, he reflects.

"I didn't send them when you were in jail. I haven't asked Chikusa to follow you. I know he has a problem with you, but that doesn't mean he tells me everything he does, and you may have noticed I don't give my shinki many orders."

[erogappa]

Things are better. Hakkai's forgiven (or at least set aside) Gojyo's thousand crimes. Why is it so hard to believe that Gojyo could do the same for Hakkai's few?

But more important is the revelation that it wasn't Hakkai who sent the asshole twins to cuff him and drag him from his cell. "Then who sent them?" They don't listen to anyone but Hakkai, and he's sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that they didn't get the idea themselves. Ken isn't smart enough, and Chikusa would have left him to rot. It had to have been Hakkai, which means Hakkai's lying to him right now. He folds his arms and stares Hakkai down. "If it wasn't you, then who?"

[reformedsinner]

He considers lying, for a few seconds, looking up at Gojyo's glare; considers saying Sharak, and deflecting the anger away to someone no longer here to feel its sting. But Ayumu is still here. She remembers them. She remembers what happened, and she and Gojyo are close. It's not a lie that could last for long.

Besides, he doesn't want to lie. There are enough lies that he has to tell, enough truths he has to keep locked behind his teeth already, to keep Gojyo safe. This admission won't kill anyone.

"Ayumu. Ask her, if you want."

Uncrossing his arms, he turns back to the bar, planting his elbows on it again, with a stubbornness that won't be moved. He laces his fingers together over the polished countertop.