Cho Hakkai (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
reformedsinner) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thenearshore2018-08-22 01:10 pm
reformedsinner) wrote in thenearshore2018-08-22 01:10 pm
Entry tags:
[closed]
Who: Cho Hakkai and Son Goku
When: December 29 (backdated)
Where: The garden of Hakkai's temple on the Far Shore
What: Nobody's talking to Goku about anything, which means it's time for the monkey to stage an intervention.
Warnings: Probable discussion of suicide, murder, zombie-related gore, other warnings in subject headers as appropriate. Content-wise they're just going to be talking, though. SomeoneHakkai might get bitten by a dragon if he doesn't shape up, Hakkai.
[Gojyo still isn't talking to him. He'd tried visiting the forest, but the girl Gojyo'd seen is nowhere to be found; hiding, he supposes. She doesn't know him yet. Whatever Gojyo's said to her, it might well have included warnings about him. Certainly about Chikusa.
Since apparently Chikusa's a terrifying menace to him, instead of a petty, ill-socialized teen.
Hakkai pulls a few straggling weeds from the border of a bed of ginger with unnecessary force. The leaves themselves have died down into a pale-tan mulch over the delicate roots; he tosses the weeds atop them, and moves down a bit further to continue to weed.
A movement at the other end of the garden, by the gate, catches his attention, and he sits up, squinting. The familiar presence of Goku's energy clues him in before the sun's glare quite clears from his eye to reveal a familiar figure approaching.]
... Goku?
When: December 29 (backdated)
Where: The garden of Hakkai's temple on the Far Shore
What: Nobody's talking to Goku about anything, which means it's time for the monkey to stage an intervention.
Warnings: Probable discussion of suicide, murder, zombie-related gore, other warnings in subject headers as appropriate. Content-wise they're just going to be talking, though. Someone
[Gojyo still isn't talking to him. He'd tried visiting the forest, but the girl Gojyo'd seen is nowhere to be found; hiding, he supposes. She doesn't know him yet. Whatever Gojyo's said to her, it might well have included warnings about him. Certainly about Chikusa.
Since apparently Chikusa's a terrifying menace to him, instead of a petty, ill-socialized teen.
Hakkai pulls a few straggling weeds from the border of a bed of ginger with unnecessary force. The leaves themselves have died down into a pale-tan mulch over the delicate roots; he tosses the weeds atop them, and moves down a bit further to continue to weed.
A movement at the other end of the garden, by the gate, catches his attention, and he sits up, squinting. The familiar presence of Goku's energy clues him in before the sun's glare quite clears from his eye to reveal a familiar figure approaching.]
... Goku?
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Sometimes, however, that approach doesn't quite cut it. Sometimes violence isn't the answer and a smile isn't enough. Sometimes other people don't understand what's going on either. Sometimes his friends don't fucking tell him there's a problem and try to handle everything themselves, an even dumber approach than Goku's. When that happens, Goku needs to think. Properly. For a few days even. That's what he has to resort to when his friends are idiots.]
Hey.
[Now he's done waiting for Hakkai to tell him what's going on, and he's done trying to figure it out on his own. He can feel Gojyo stewing in his own emotions across the god-shinki bond and he doesn't need anything like that to notice Hakkai's foul mood. Every animal in the temple can probably detect that danger. So now he's standing over Hakkai, arms folded and trying to look as serious as he can manage. It might not be especially effective, but he's trying.]
We gotta talk, Hakkai.
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[Afternoon, actually, but only just. Hakkai gets to his feet, brushing cold clots of garden loam from his hands, and surveys Goku's expression. Apparently they do have to talk. No doubt he's been unsubtle, and Gojyo, of course, has been dumping his feelings at both of them for a week.
It's probably not a conversation that they should have inside, either. He turns, threading his way through winter-bare bushes towards the dubious privacy of the back of the garden.]
I suppose we should. Shall I guess the topic, or would you like to provide it?
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[Goku doesn't waste time trying to lead up to the topic, though he follows Hakkai through the garden while he talks. He's given Gojyo and Hakkai a week- weeks, really- to tell him what's wrong already. Still, at least Hakkai isn't just trying to ditch him, which puts him a bit ahead of Gojyo. ]
And don't tell me you don't know or anythin', because I know you do!
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[There's a definitely a flash of bitterness in Hakkai's tone at that comment; he comes to a stop in a small clearing, shaded by tall tea bushes and a willow, with ice clinging along the edges of the stream built to its side. It's far enough from the house that it's unlikely Ken and Chikusa will overhear him sounding angry, no matter what topics come up.]
But I suspect that's just an excuse.
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[Goku definitely hears that flash of bitterness and has to will himself to take that final step into the clearing after Hakkai. Hakkai being mad isn't a good enough reason to avoid the topic. The way things have been going, it's a reason to stick to it.]
What d'you think the real reason is then?
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["This time." It does feel as though it keeps happening; they can get along for a few days, a few weeks, and then something explodes.]
He and Chikusa have never gotten along, and they're both sure I'm unfairly favoring the other.
But the real reason is that he won't trust me. I can't blame him: he doesn't know me anymore.
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But... But we already talked about that! Ages ago! [Or at least, Gojyo had asked if Goku trusted Hakkai. The implication was there.] He said... He already liked you, so...
[For Goku, it's hard to differentiate "like" from "trust". It so rarely comes up for him, if ever. Not trusting Hakkai sounds ridiculous, even without memories, but Goku had needed no time at all to decide how he felt about him when they first met.]
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He breathes out, and brushes snow from one of the stream-side boulders before perching on it. The cold promptly bites through his slacks.]
He might care for me, but he won't trust me. Honestly, I'm getting tired of him being so sure everything I do is meant to hurt him and everything that hurts him is because of me.
Do you suppose there's a part of him that remembers that death?
[The one that hadn't happened, the worst possible betrayal of trust...
... perhaps it would explain a few things. Hakkai looks down at the ice-choked stream, expressionless.]
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... He can't, right? It wasn't real. [When Goku wakes up from his own nightmares, that's what he tells himself until he falls back asleep.]
And... Even if he did, he'd still- [Gojyo would still care about Hakkai, even if Hakkai went berserk and killed him. Even if Hakkai didn't go berserk and killed him anyway. But apparently, caring isn't the problem.] ... He told me he was worried. Because he liked you as soon as he met you, and I thought that made sense 'cause I did too. But he kept being wrong about stuff- weird stuff, I dunno- and he just... Couldn't tell if he was right to like you or somethin'. Because he didn't know who either of you was.
[Not exactly the wording Gojyo used, and it was three weeks ago, but close enough.]
But he asked me if I trusted you- even though I know you and everythin'- and I said yeah, and he seemed okay with that. He trusted me, and I was there then too, right? So it doesn't make sense.
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[The rest of it: Hakkai's berserker rage, his claws ripping into Goku: those were real. Those did happen, even if Goku doesn't remember them any more than Gojyo, now. His voice is slightly flawed as he speaks, though he's trying to pull a veneer of calm across it.]
I don't even know--
[Ah, he has to be careful with his voice. Ken has good ears. He swallows, and continues, more quietly, more evenly.]
I don't know what things he thinks he was wrong about. Every time he's told me about it, it's something ridiculous. I made a joke about long hair hiding blight to him when I was a shinki, and he held that against me for months. I told him I wasn't born a youkai and he called me a liar.
[Briefly, his fists clench, and then relax.]
I'm sorry, Goku, you shouldn't have to -- deal with this. We're just being fools.
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Maybe it's because Hakkai's dumb too. Trying to be so calm, when they all know how upset he is. Like even now he has to be careful with Goku; to try not to frighten him. Goku's face tightens and that's when he does something very brave.]
... What're ya talkin' about? [Goku's fist suddenly comes down on Hakkai's head.] Of course I have to deal with it! We're a team, right? [The Sanzo party, traveling companions, friends, the only family Goku's ever known- it all adds up to the same thing.] It doesn't matter if you guys are bein' stupid or stubborn or pathetic or anythin'! I'm still gonna deal with it! We all will! I don't care if you're dumb!
[He pauses to take a breath. Hitting Hakkai was probably a bad idea. It felt right though.]
So quit... tryin' to be all calm about it! I already know you're mad!
[He knows "mad" doesn't cut it.]
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For a few seconds, he doesn't say anything.
Then, the bewildered expression cracks into a slightly off-kilter laugh, and he lets his hand fall from the top of his head to cover his face as his posture sags into a slump.]
Sorry, Goku, I --
[--whoops, he's laughing again. It's fine, he's fine. One moment and he'll be able to continue.]
I should know better, shouldn't I?
[They are a team. He does have people on his side, who want to know what's wrong, who want to support him, and he should know that. Shouldn't he? Shouldn't he get better at taking support when he needs it, instead of worse?]
I'm a little mad.
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... 'Course ya should.
[Goku huffs and drops down onto one of the other boulders, ignoring the frost covering it.]
Just a little? I'd be super pissed off. I'm already mad and he's only kinda avoidin' me!
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[That's news to Hakkai; unpleasant news. His bout of hysteria is fading, the expression that replaces it a little more alert and less artificial. He considers Goku.]
I'm... only a little mad. I'm hard to get along with, so it's not all his fault.
[He finds himself briefly tongue-tied at the idea of describing how he does feel about Gojyo: it's a mess of longing, affection and sullen resentment, spiked with fear like a handful of broken glass, cutting him every time he tries to handle it.]
But I'm used to him getting along with me, so when he doesn't--
['It hurts my feelings' sounds a little too pathetic to actually say aloud. It's true, though, pathetic as it is. He wrinkles his nose; Goku can probably hear the end of the sentence perfectly well without Hakkai saying it. Unlike Gojyo, he remembers how to hear that sort of thing.]
It doesn't help that I'm afraid I could really hurt him. If he's reminded of the wrong thing, but that's not the only way.
[After all, Hakkai's already broken his arm. A broken bone isn't much next to the fear of what could happen to a shinki, here, though. Hurt feelings won't kill him as a god. If they're hurt badly enough, they can kill a shinki.]
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[Goku's not sensitive enough to take it personally. Gojyo's quite clearly not mad at Goku, after all. He's mad at himself, at Chikusa and at Hakkai.]
I don't think you're hard to get along with, Hakkai. [But Goku could get along with a rock if he was left alone with one, so maybe that doesn't mean much. It's nice to hear Hakkai expressing himself a little more honestly now. Goku can hear the end of that sentence as clearly as if he'd said it aloud.]
You won't not hurt him by stayin' away either, I think. [Maybe it's Goku's bias, but their policy as a group has always been "better in danger together than safe alone".] You've gone this long without reminding him of anything too bad, right? He told me he's gettin' pretty good at stoppin' himself from thinkin' about that too much.
[Is fear of blight really the problem here? It's a hard one to fix on their own.]
cw, reference to attempted suicide, violence between romantic partners
After a moment, he continues.]
What he's been through as a shinki has been hard for him. And I-- it's possible I'm wrong about this, of course. I feel as if his first recourse is to blame me and his second is to blame himself.
It's... a pattern.
[His monocle is as clean as it'll ever be; he carefully puts it back in its place as he continues in a mild tone.]
He believes something awful of me; then he'll either keep it as a grievance or decide he's forgiven me for it. Eventually, he throws it in my face, and it turns out it's not true. If he believes me, he'll hate himself instead.
He told me, once, before you arrived, that he'd almost shot himself because he wanted so badly to forget me, because whenever I talked to him I ruined his assumptions.
[The monocle catches the sunlight as he looks up, glare hiding the eye behind it.]
I can't stop him from being wrong about me, and I won't lie to him so he can go on thinking he's right, so I can't stop hurting him if I stay close, either.
I did also break his arm. [He says that quite dryly, with a hint of mockery.] But that, at least, I can avoid doing again.
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He stays like that for a long minute, staring at the light gleaming off Hakkai's monocle. Goku doesn't quite have the words ready to describe the cold dread in his stomach; all he knows is that Gojyo can't be allowed to feel that way. At least, not on his own. Sometimes those feelings come, Goku knows that, but then they go and you have important people there with you to make it okay. Hakkai staying away isn't going to help Gojyo forget, not any time soon, and so that's not the way to make sure he doesn't feel that way again. Still, somehow it all comes back to Hakkai.]
... Gojyo- Gojyo doesn't understand you. That's the problem, right? He keeps... misunderstanding. [To put it lightly.] He knows you did somethin' bad or that you're dangerous but then he misunderstands so it's somethin' else. [Something that makes him dangerous to Gojyo.] And he hurts you and then he realises he hurts you and he feels bad about it, but then he... misunderstands how to make it up. Or somethin'. And then it keeps going round and round.
[Is Hakkai that easy to misunderstand? Is Gojyo that determined to do so? Goku's still not sure he gets it. It seems so easy to just trust Hakkai and leave it at that, but apparently that's not so for Gojyo.]
So... We gotta make sure he understands you. Right? [Goku's eyes refocus, ready to properly meet Hakkai's gaze again.] And... Just punch 'im, instead of breaking his arm. 'Coz he won't listen as well when you do that, probably.
[He doesn't know why Hakkai broke Gojyo's arm. He assumes Gojyo deserved it.]
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I'd rather not punch him. I'd rather not hurt him at all.
[Yes, all right, sometimes he's frustrated enough to want to, but--]
And I don't know how to make him understand me.
[And he isn't sure that he understands Gojyo, either. He isn't sure that Gojyo understands himself, half the time; his explanations don't make much sense, and Hakkai can't tell if the problem is what Gojyo's saying, or the pieces Hakkai's missing, little fragments of assumptions that Gojyo hasn't bothered to share yet.
Or if he's just very wrong about everything. That's always possible.]
That's... the problem. I have tried.
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But if Hakkai can't even joke about friendly violence, that's not a good sign. Things are really bad. Hakkai seems frustrated and hopeless and Goku hates that. He hates that this is even a problem at all. He hates that they're all being pulled apart from each other. He hates not being able to do anything.
... So he better fix that.]
I'll try. [Goku puts his hands on his knees and scrunches up the fabric of his jeans without paying any attention.] I'll make him understand. I'll talk to him and I'll explain stuff and if he doesn't listen, I'll punch him. And I'll try an' understand him too.
[Because that's also a problem. Everyone keeps misunderstanding.]
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Please let me know if you do understand him. I'd like to.
[As for him... maybe he should be trying to get them all out of this a bit harder. Maybe pulling against the centrifugal forces of distrust and misunderstanding isn't working; but Gojyo's memories are in there somewhere. Whatever he and Goku might have forgotten about the events at home are hidden somewhere in their minds, too. If they can break whatever enchantment is trapping them here and blocking their memories, isn't that more likely to fix things than any amount of trying to recapture his connection to Gojyo?
Perhaps it's not. But it's worth a try, when he's done so badly trying to re-gather his old allies first.]
I should stop letting myself get so distracted, shouldn't I?
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I'll make him explain it properly. [So even Goku can understand. Maybe Gojyo just needs someone on his own, stupid wavelength.] And then you can understand too.
[If they're going to get out of here, they're probably going to do it together. That's how Goku sees it. It's not a waste of time to focus on getting their group back together, because that's an integral step towards shutting the rest of this crap down. He's still looking for Sanzo. But when that feels so impossible, it's easier to focus on Hakkai and Gojyo and the new friends they've made here. They're within his reach.]
I dunno. I don't know what we're really s'posed to be doing, so it's a pain figurin' it out. And then stuff keeps happening, but without things changing so it's... like this.
[Even in the short time Goku's been here, he's noticed that much.]
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I know, whoever it is, they've trapped more souls than just the ones who are gods and shinki.
[He inhales, carefully, aching before he's even spoken, and admits:]
They have Kanan, for one. They made a zombie out of her half a year ago.
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[When there's more people involved than them, an enemy and maybe a hostage or two, everything is always a lot more difficult to manage. That's when punching their way out of a problem stops being the best solution. Goku would think more about the cultists and about the Heavens but the suggestion of even more people involved makes him stop.]
There's more? ... They've got Kanan?
[Goku doesn't doubt Hakkai for a second. He looks appropriately horrified.]
How'd they- how'd they even do that? [Okay, he knows shinki are technically supposed to be dead anyway, but Kanan died years ago so...] Hakkai...
[Suddenly, it seems like a miracle that there's anyone left standing in Heaven at all.]
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[Although that young man he'd spoken to, the other Dionysus who'd disappeared, had suggested that it could be that Hakkai is the one who's haunted by her. That, trapped here, he couldn't help but lure her soul along.
It's not as if everyone who's appeared here is a haunting, though, unless he's forgotten far more than he thinks he has.]
However they've brought us all here, I suppose. There were souls that had been forced into dead human bodies from this world, and that couldn't be released without destroying the bodies, and she was one of them.
[A brief pause, before he adds:]
Of course, I was a shinki at the time, so I didn't recognize her.
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[... What happened to her? Where is she now? But Goku hasn't heard a word about Kanan since he got here before now. She must have been released. But Hakkai didn't recognise her. Hakkai didn't recognise Kanan.
It probably doesn't even matter whether or not Hakkai destroyed the body, really. Some things are terrible enough on their own.]
... Hakkai, you doing okay?
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He and Gojyo aren't talking, he's gotten nowhere with his flailing attempts to undermine the Heavens' authority and uncover what's trapped them here, he can barely stay on good enough terms with any of his shinki to keep them willing to live in the same house for a month at a time, and he remembers both of the only two people he's ever loved unconditionally dying under his own remorseless claws within the past six months.
On the other hand, he hasn't gone to pay a visit at the Meeting Hall with a carving knife yet.]
I'm managing.
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... I know. But lemme help. [A repetition of what's already been said, but broader this time.] With all of it. All of it, I mean it, talk to me about it and let me manage too.
[Sometimes he thinks Hakkai still sees him as a kid, which is fine most of the time. But when it's like this, they can't do that. Goku can handle anything Hakkai throws at him. There's also the fact that they're all just generally bad at sharing their feelings, to varying degrees. Hakkai might be especially bad at it, but it's not all on him.]
I know we have to hide some stuff but when we don't have to, I think we shouldn't. Even if it seems like somethin' that can't be helped or whatever. It'll be easier to figure everything else out if we're all together.
[They all have to be on the same page.]
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It's possible he lacks a certain native talent for sharing his feelings. Still, it's a reasonable request. Goku needs to know what's going on; with Sanzo gone and Gojyo back to stonewalling him, the two of them are the closest they have to a group that had worked well enough, through equal hardships, for years.
And, besides, Goku's his friend.]
You're right. ... I'll try.
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I'll try too.
[What Goku could possibly be keeping from Hakkai is a bit of a mystery. Still, it's only fair. If Goku had told Hakkai about Votelli earlier, maybe Gojyo wouldn't have fought with him about her. If he'd made more of an effort to ask questions and find things out earlier, maybe they'd have made more progress by now. Whatever the case, they both already agreed to do better than they had been. ]
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He truly, deeply hates what this place does to shinki.
He's no more sure than Goku about what he might be keeping to himself -- he does keep things to himself, sometimes, but only when he hasn't figured out what to do with them yet -- but he smiles a little, and asks anyway.]
In that case, we've just been talking about me. How have you been doing here?
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Me? [He just said he needed to try more too, but he still wasn't expecting he conversation to turn around on him like that.] ... I did some prayers the other day, to try it out. Nia and Nephenee helped me. [Hakkai seems to know everyone in The Far Shore. Goku assumes he knows them too.] ... It felt nice, helpin' people out like that.
[Like he was accomplishing something. It doesn't do much to help his own goals, but at least he could help someone else. Nia was happy about it too; that's worth something.]
... I went to that meeting place with everyone else, because I thought... Maybe Sanzo would show up too. [Obviously, he didn't. Even if Goku had kept that from Hakkai, he surely would have heard gunfire by now.] I talked to a buncha other people instead.
[Which was nice. Keeping himself busy and talking to people helps immensely.]
... I dunno, I feel like I've been slacking off even though I've been doing a bunch of stuff. It's weird.
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As for the meeting... he looks down at his hands again, and nods.]
I know what you mean. There's always something to do, but I feel...
[It's hard to put it into words for himself, too. After a moment, he continues.]
I feel the same way. It's because I don't know what's going to do the most good towards breaking whatever keeps us trapped here, I think. I don't even really know who our enemies are.
[He flashes Goku a rueful smile.]
I never thought I'd be nostalgic for assassination attempts.