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Who: Cho Hakkai and Son Goku
When: December 29 (backdated)
Where: The garden of Hakkai's temple on the Far Shore
What: Nobody's talking to Goku about anything, which means it's time for the monkey to stage an intervention.
Warnings: Probable discussion of suicide, murder, zombie-related gore, other warnings in subject headers as appropriate. Content-wise they're just going to be talking, though. Someone ~~Hakkai~~ might get bitten by a dragon if he doesn't shape up, Hakkai.

[Gojyo still isn't talking to him. He'd tried visiting the forest, but the girl Gojyo'd seen is nowhere to be found; hiding, he supposes. She doesn't know him yet. Whatever Gojyo's said to her, it might well have included warnings about him. Certainly about Chikusa.

Since apparently Chikusa's a terrifying menace to him, instead of a petty, ill-socialized teen.

Hakkai pulls a few straggling weeds from the border of a bed of ginger with unnecessary force. The leaves themselves have died down into a pale-tan mulch over the delicate roots; he tosses the weeds atop them, and moves down a bit further to continue to weed.

A movement at the other end of the garden, by the gate, catches his attention, and he sits up, squinting. The familiar presence of Goku's energy clues him in before the sun's glare quite clears from his eye to reveal a familiar figure approaching.]

... Goku?

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He's avoiding you, too?

[That's news to Hakkai; unpleasant news. His bout of hysteria is fading, the expression that replaces it a little more alert and less artificial. He considers Goku.]

I'm... only a little mad. I'm hard to get along with, so it's not all his fault.

[He finds himself briefly tongue-tied at the idea of describing how he does feel about Gojyo: it's a mess of longing, affection and sullen resentment, spiked with fear like a handful of broken glass, cutting him every time he tries to handle it.]

But I'm used to him getting along with me, so when he doesn't--

['It hurts my feelings' sounds a little too pathetic to actually say aloud. It's true, though, pathetic as it is. He wrinkles his nose; Goku can probably hear the end of the sentence perfectly well without Hakkai saying it. Unlike Gojyo, he remembers how to hear that sort of thing.]

It doesn't help that I'm afraid I could really hurt him. If he's reminded of the wrong thing, but that's not the only way.

[After all, Hakkai's already broken his arm. A broken bone isn't much next to the fear of what could happen to a shinki, here, though. Hurt feelings won't kill him as a god. If they're hurt badly enough, they can kill a shinki.]

Only kinda. He's just bein' a jerk.

[Goku's not sensitive enough to take it personally. Gojyo's quite clearly not mad at Goku, after all. He's mad at himself, at Chikusa and at Hakkai.]

I don't think you're hard to get along with, Hakkai. [But Goku could get along with a rock if he was left alone with one, so maybe that doesn't mean much. It's nice to hear Hakkai expressing himself a little more honestly now. Goku can hear the end of that sentence as clearly as if he'd said it aloud.]

You won't not hurt him by stayin' away either, I think. [Maybe it's Goku's bias, but their policy as a group has always been "better in danger together than safe alone".] You've gone this long without reminding him of anything too bad, right? He told me he's gettin' pretty good at stoppin' himself from thinkin' about that too much.

[Is fear of blight really the problem here? It's a hard one to fix on their own.]

That's not the only way I can hurt him. [It's only what he's said before, but Hakkai's tone is bleaker, the second time, and less certain. His gaze strays back to the stream, and he reaches up to his face, plucks his monocle free, begins to clean it: wholly unnecessary gestures, but it gives him something to do with his hands.

After a moment, he continues.]

What he's been through as a shinki has been hard for him. And I-- it's possible I'm wrong about this, of course. I feel as if his first recourse is to blame me and his second is to blame himself.

It's... a pattern.

[His monocle is as clean as it'll ever be; he carefully puts it back in its place as he continues in a mild tone.]

He believes something awful of me; then he'll either keep it as a grievance or decide he's forgiven me for it. Eventually, he throws it in my face, and it turns out it's not true. If he believes me, he'll hate himself instead.

He told me, once, before you arrived, that he'd almost shot himself because he wanted so badly to forget me, because whenever I talked to him I ruined his assumptions.

[The monocle catches the sunlight as he looks up, glare hiding the eye behind it.]

I can't stop him from being wrong about me, and I won't lie to him so he can go on thinking he's right, so I can't stop hurting him if I stay close, either.

I did also break his arm. [He says that quite dryly, with a hint of mockery.] But that, at least, I can avoid doing again.

[Goku is about to say something- what, he's not sure. Something about Gojyo hating himself and how it's not Hakkai's fault, or that they need to do something, or who knows what. But he freezes at the suggestion that Gojyo was going to shoot himself. That makes him go quiet.

He stays like that for a long minute, staring at the light gleaming off Hakkai's monocle. Goku doesn't quite have the words ready to describe the cold dread in his stomach; all he knows is that Gojyo can't be allowed to feel that way. At least, not on his own. Sometimes those feelings come, Goku knows that, but then they go and you have important people there with you to make it okay. Hakkai staying away isn't going to help Gojyo forget, not any time soon, and so that's not the way to make sure he doesn't feel that way again. Still, somehow it all comes back to Hakkai.]

... Gojyo- Gojyo doesn't understand you. That's the problem, right? He keeps... misunderstanding. [To put it lightly.] He knows you did somethin' bad or that you're dangerous but then he misunderstands so it's somethin' else. [Something that makes him dangerous to Gojyo.] And he hurts you and then he realises he hurts you and he feels bad about it, but then he... misunderstands how to make it up. Or somethin'. And then it keeps going round and round.

[Is Hakkai that easy to misunderstand? Is Gojyo that determined to do so? Goku's still not sure he gets it. It seems so easy to just trust Hakkai and leave it at that, but apparently that's not so for Gojyo.]

So... We gotta make sure he understands you. Right? [Goku's eyes refocus, ready to properly meet Hakkai's gaze again.] And... Just punch 'im, instead of breaking his arm. 'Coz he won't listen as well when you do that, probably.

[He doesn't know why Hakkai broke Gojyo's arm. He assumes Gojyo deserved it.]

[Just punch 'im: Hakkai's breath puffs out, not even pretending to be a laugh, and he shakes his head.]

I'd rather not punch him. I'd rather not hurt him at all.

[Yes, all right, sometimes he's frustrated enough to want to, but--]

And I don't know how to make him understand me.

[And he isn't sure that he understands Gojyo, either. He isn't sure that Gojyo understands himself, half the time; his explanations don't make much sense, and Hakkai can't tell if the problem is what Gojyo's saying, or the pieces Hakkai's missing, little fragments of assumptions that Gojyo hasn't bothered to share yet.

Or if he's just very wrong about everything. That's always possible.]

That's... the problem. I have tried.

Punching doesn't have to hurt that bad... [Mumbled more than anything. That's not the point. Though maybe Hakkai could benefit from learning how to scuffle without breaking bones. Goku knows it makes him feel better.

But if Hakkai can't even joke about friendly violence, that's not a good sign. Things are really bad. Hakkai seems frustrated and hopeless and Goku hates that. He hates that this is even a problem at all. He hates that they're all being pulled apart from each other. He hates not being able to do anything.

... So he better fix that.]

I'll try. [Goku puts his hands on his knees and scrunches up the fabric of his jeans without paying any attention.] I'll make him understand. I'll talk to him and I'll explain stuff and if he doesn't listen, I'll punch him. And I'll try an' understand him too.

[Because that's also a problem. Everyone keeps misunderstanding.]

[None of them deserve Goku, but here he is anyway. Hakkai ducks his head, and, this time, the sound he makes is a bit more believable as a laugh.]

Please let me know if you do understand him. I'd like to.

[As for him... maybe he should be trying to get them all out of this a bit harder. Maybe pulling against the centrifugal forces of distrust and misunderstanding isn't working; but Gojyo's memories are in there somewhere. Whatever he and Goku might have forgotten about the events at home are hidden somewhere in their minds, too. If they can break whatever enchantment is trapping them here and blocking their memories, isn't that more likely to fix things than any amount of trying to recapture his connection to Gojyo?

Perhaps it's not. But it's worth a try, when he's done so badly trying to re-gather his old allies first.]

I should stop letting myself get so distracted, shouldn't I?

[Goku's too selfish to care what anyone else deserves. He'll only do what he wants to do.]

I'll make him explain it properly. [So even Goku can understand. Maybe Gojyo just needs someone on his own, stupid wavelength.] And then you can understand too.

[If they're going to get out of here, they're probably going to do it together. That's how Goku sees it. It's not a waste of time to focus on getting their group back together, because that's an integral step towards shutting the rest of this crap down. He's still looking for Sanzo. But when that feels so impossible, it's easier to focus on Hakkai and Gojyo and the new friends they've made here. They're within his reach.]

I dunno. I don't know what we're really s'posed to be doing, so it's a pain figurin' it out. And then stuff keeps happening, but without things changing so it's... like this.

[Even in the short time Goku's been here, he's noticed that much.]

Honestly, I don't know what we're supposed to be doing, either. Whether those cultists are anything more than pawns, whether the Heavens are telling us the truth about anything....

I know, whoever it is, they've trapped more souls than just the ones who are gods and shinki.

[He inhales, carefully, aching before he's even spoken, and admits:]

They have Kanan, for one. They made a zombie out of her half a year ago.

It's hard when there's lots of people...

[When there's more people involved than them, an enemy and maybe a hostage or two, everything is always a lot more difficult to manage. That's when punching their way out of a problem stops being the best solution. Goku would think more about the cultists and about the Heavens but the suggestion of even more people involved makes him stop.]

There's more? ... They've got Kanan?

[Goku doesn't doubt Hakkai for a second. He looks appropriately horrified.]

How'd they- how'd they even do that? [Okay, he knows shinki are technically supposed to be dead anyway, but Kanan died years ago so...] Hakkai...

[Suddenly, it seems like a miracle that there's anyone left standing in Heaven at all.]

I really don't know how.

[Although that young man he'd spoken to, the other Dionysus who'd disappeared, had suggested that it could be that Hakkai is the one who's haunted by her. That, trapped here, he couldn't help but lure her soul along.

It's not as if everyone who's appeared here is a haunting, though, unless he's forgotten far more than he thinks he has.]

However they've brought us all here, I suppose. There were souls that had been forced into dead human bodies from this world, and that couldn't be released without destroying the bodies, and she was one of them.

[A brief pause, before he adds:]

Of course, I was a shinki at the time, so I didn't recognize her.

Then what-

[... What happened to her? Where is she now? But Goku hasn't heard a word about Kanan since he got here before now. She must have been released. But Hakkai didn't recognise her. Hakkai didn't recognise Kanan.

It probably doesn't even matter whether or not Hakkai destroyed the body, really. Some things are terrible enough on their own.]

... Hakkai, you doing okay?

[The silence after that question stretches for several long seconds. Hakkai considers it.

He and Gojyo aren't talking, he's gotten nowhere with his flailing attempts to undermine the Heavens' authority and uncover what's trapped them here, he can barely stay on good enough terms with any of his shinki to keep them willing to live in the same house for a month at a time, and he remembers both of the only two people he's ever loved unconditionally dying under his own remorseless claws within the past six months.

On the other hand, he hasn't gone to pay a visit at the Meeting Hall with a carving knife yet.]

I'm managing.

["Managing" is probably the best they can hope for. It's what they're both doing; Sanzo's gone and things are fucked up and they're "managing". But Hakkai's been through a lot, Goku realises. Almost on his own a lot of the time too.]

... I know. But lemme help. [A repetition of what's already been said, but broader this time.] With all of it. All of it, I mean it, talk to me about it and let me manage too.

[Sometimes he thinks Hakkai still sees him as a kid, which is fine most of the time. But when it's like this, they can't do that. Goku can handle anything Hakkai throws at him. There's also the fact that they're all just generally bad at sharing their feelings, to varying degrees. Hakkai might be especially bad at it, but it's not all on him.]

I know we have to hide some stuff but when we don't have to, I think we shouldn't. Even if it seems like somethin' that can't be helped or whatever. It'll be easier to figure everything else out if we're all together.

[They all have to be on the same page.]

[Talk to me and let me manage too-- Hakkai slumps, just a little, on his icy little decorative rock in the winter sunlight, and a rueful smile sneaks onto his face. Ah, it seems everyone winds up saying that kind of thing to him, in the end.

It's possible he lacks a certain native talent for sharing his feelings. Still, it's a reasonable request. Goku needs to know what's going on; with Sanzo gone and Gojyo back to stonewalling him, the two of them are the closest they have to a group that had worked well enough, through equal hardships, for years.

And, besides, Goku's his friend.]

You're right. ... I'll try.

[If everyone is saying it, maybe it's time to consider that they might have a point. Goku nods, satisfied with that answer.]

I'll try too.

[What Goku could possibly be keeping from Hakkai is a bit of a mystery. Still, it's only fair. If Goku had told Hakkai about Votelli earlier, maybe Gojyo wouldn't have fought with him about her. If he'd made more of an effort to ask questions and find things out earlier, maybe they'd have made more progress by now. Whatever the case, they both already agreed to do better than they had been. ]

[Hakkai is absolutely terrible at sharing his fears, and not very much less terrible at sharing information, but he can at least try to improve. Particularly when he's talking to someone he already trusts, who is a god and not a shinki.

He truly, deeply hates what this place does to shinki.

He's no more sure than Goku about what he might be keeping to himself -- he does keep things to himself, sometimes, but only when he hasn't figured out what to do with them yet -- but he smiles a little, and asks anyway.]

In that case, we've just been talking about me. How have you been doing here?

[It's hard to talk about things out loud when they don't quite make sense in your head. Sometimes you need to think about them for a while first. Sometimes it just feels like there's no sense in repeating the obvious, in saying things that you know will worry the people you care about. Still, Goku finds he almost always feels better afterwards.]

Me? [He just said he needed to try more too, but he still wasn't expecting he conversation to turn around on him like that.] ... I did some prayers the other day, to try it out. Nia and Nephenee helped me. [Hakkai seems to know everyone in The Far Shore. Goku assumes he knows them too.] ... It felt nice, helpin' people out like that.

[Like he was accomplishing something. It doesn't do much to help his own goals, but at least he could help someone else. Nia was happy about it too; that's worth something.]

... I went to that meeting place with everyone else, because I thought... Maybe Sanzo would show up too. [Obviously, he didn't. Even if Goku had kept that from Hakkai, he surely would have heard gunfire by now.] I talked to a buncha other people instead.

[Which was nice. Keeping himself busy and talking to people helps immensely.]

... I dunno, I feel like I've been slacking off even though I've been doing a bunch of stuff. It's weird.

[He does; he nods along with Goku's narration. Nia's a goodhearted girl, if prone to picking fights; she's the sort of person who Goku'd get along with. Nephenee he knows less well, except that she's a soldier.

As for the meeting... he looks down at his hands again, and nods.]

I know what you mean. There's always something to do, but I feel...

[It's hard to put it into words for himself, too. After a moment, he continues.]

I feel the same way. It's because I don't know what's going to do the most good towards breaking whatever keeps us trapped here, I think. I don't even really know who our enemies are.

[He flashes Goku a rueful smile.]

I never thought I'd be nostalgic for assassination attempts.

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cw, reference to attempted suicide, violence between romantic partners

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