thenearshore | [Closed] This split in the road

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[Closed] This split in the road

Who: Ken and Gojyo
When: Jan 9th, late afternoon
Where: Gojyo's bar
What: Everyone asks "why are you like this, Gojyo?" Ken means it literally rather than rhetorically, though, which means he wants an answer.
Warnings: More Gojyo drama, possible other things in post headers

[Ken hasn't missed that things have gone downhill with Hakkai and Gojyo.

You know. Again.

Gojyo hasn't really been at the temple since they came back from Nanako's; Ken's not clear if he was even there while they were gone. Hakkai's mood has been anything but good recently, too...although he still keeps up the veneer rather than being open with them. (And Hakkai's good at facades - but what Chikusa can see through because he's smart and thus hard to fool, Ken can sense through because of a combination of animal instinct and a much higher emotional awareness than Chikusa's got.) That keeping things to himself - especially painful, private things - is just how Hakkai is, and Ken hasn't pushed for more. He doesn't think Chikusa has, either. But neither of them really need to be told that it's got to be Gojyo-related. He's not around, after all, and as far as Ken knows, nothing else has weighed on Hakkai that heavily aside from, perhaps, Ayumu's recent death. And Ken's pretty sure they're all recovering from that right now, healing more than hurting.

So. More bad stuff with Gojyo. Ken thought Gojyo and Hakkai had, at least, figured out their own stuff, and that the remaining problems were mostly in how Gojyo treated the people around Hakkai...but apparently not.

Ken had also thought it'd be best if he and Chikusa just stopped involving themselves with Gojyo anymore. To just stay silent when he's around, only engage with him as much as their positions as Hakkai's shinki demand, and leave dealing with him to Hakkai. But when things are this bad, and nobody seems to be happy(at least, Ken assumes Gojyo isn't; he hasn't seen him for awhile...but if Gojyo is the Ken to Hakkai's Chikusa, or vice versa, then of course Gojyo wouldn't be happy without Hakkai), he has to do something, doesn't he? For Hakkai, if not for Gojyo...although if Gojyo being happy would make Hakkai happy, then Ken's fine with doing it for the both of them.

Ken doesn't think Gojyo's an awful person. Ken's been the victim of actually awful people, and Gojyo would have to try a lot harder to be counted among them. Gojyo's just an idiot who does stupid, hurtful stuff for reasons that Ken doesn't understand. So...maybe it's not Gojyo that's the problem. Maybe it's the not understanding.

Wolf Channel helps him track Gojyo down. There's not much trace of him near Hakkai's temple, but there's plenty of Hakkai's scent; all Ken has to do is follow Hakkai's scent around the heavens until he finds whiffs of Gojyo - either where Gojyo was with him, or passed the same place, or even when Hakkai had simply been near enough to him that some of Gojyo's smell clung to him. And then Ken could just follow that scent to wherever it got stronger, until he picked up a clearer trail...

Which leads him, eventually, to a bar. He eyes it for a moment, consideringly, nose wrinkled slightly at the alcohol fumes, wondering if this is maybe why Chikusa thought Hakkai's bad decisions were all alcohol-related somehow.

Then he takes out his cartridge and goes in. He already knows his quarry's inside.]

Gojyo?

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[ It's not just a bar. It's his bar. There's fresh paint throughout, and the smell of new wood, but beneath that, in the floorboards and the ventilation and everywhere that wasn't changed, there's the smell of Gojyo.

And there's the smell of Ayumu, too. This is where she was shot -- her blood is still deep down in the under flooring. It's not visible, and even Gojyo's heightened senses can't smell it, but Ken might be able to, especially wearing a channel with a good nose.

If Ken was expecting a cheerful welcome, he's got another think coming. Gojyo turns in surprise when the door opens -- the usual evening crew shouldn't be arriving for hours yet, and deliveries all happen around the back -- but at the sight of Ken his bland, somewhat confused expression immediately hardens over into white rage. ]

You! [ He'd been cutting up lemons and limes for garnishes, and he points the large kitchen knife in Ken's direction. ] I've had enough of you two for one day, get the fuck out of my bar!

[Luckily, Ken hadn't expected a warm welcome, so even if he wasn't determined, he wouldn't be put off by this greeting. The level of anger surprises him, but the words contain a clue - Chikusa and Gojyo apparently ran into each other and pissed each other off again. Ken hasn't seen Chikusa for most of the day - he'd gone to the library, one of the few places Ken all but refuses to accompany him - so he doesn't know how mutual it was, but he'll assume it was mutual until it's proven otherwise.

Still, a furious Gojyo isn't going to be a cooperative Gojyo, so he'd better try and make at least a tentative peace.]

I dunno what Kakipi did to you, I haven't seen him all day, but I'm not here to mess with you, byon. [He watches Gojyo warily.] I just wanted to talk to you.

Bullshit.

[ But it's not the snarl he intended it to be. Fuck, it's just so hard to be mad at Ken!

He re-learned earlier today just how futile it is to chase these two fuckers off if they want to talk and so, with a resigned sigh, he sets down the knife with an unnecessarily loud thud and turns on the sink hidden beneath the bar. ]

I'm gonna warn you right now, though. [ It's not easy, washing his hands while wearing this stupid brace. But he fucked it up worse fighting with Chikusa earlier, so he can't take it off. ] You start talkin' about how Chikusa was right and I should've just done what he said, and I'm gonna throw you out on your ass, giant monkey teeth or no.

I don't think Kakipi's right all the time, byon. [Ken moves over to the bar, instinctively keeping an almost superstitious distance from the spot where the smell of Ayumu's blood is strongest even if it means he has to take a more indirect route. He knows about Ayumu being stabbed, so it's not hard to guess that it must have happened here.] But he's my partner, and I know he's smarter than me, so I don't like when people say bad things about him. And I'm not just gonna assume he's wrong unless somebody proves it. [He sits on a barstool.] You'd probably be weird about it if we said bad stuff about Hakkai, byon.

[He's neither aggressive nor accusing in his tone; he's trying to keep this neutral. And he's willing to allow that maybe some of Gojyo's complaints about Chikusa are justified...although, considering how biased Gojyo is, it's hard not to want proof and context before he takes a side against his lifelong companion.

Still, he doesn't want Gojyo to think that Ken's just...automatically against him all the time.]

Anyway, I can't tell you that you should've done what Kakipi said if I don't even know what he said.

[ It doesn't really matter what Chikusa said this time around. Last time he and Ken talked, that was how their conversation went. Last time he and Hakkai talked, that was how part of their conversation went, too. He's getting really tired of being compared to everybody's favorite slug. ]

Good. Then let's keep it that way. [ Shaking his hands dry, he pulls himself a beer. He doesn't offer Ken anything. ] And I don't believe you could say anything bad about Hakkai. He's your god, after all.

[ That might have been a challenge. ]

[Ken considers this for a moment.] ...he keeps too much stuff to himself, byon. Also he likes really weird, fucked up people for reasons that don't make sense.

[Ken's absolutely including himself and Chikusa in that category.]

Also he's kind of creepy. Remember how he drank that water that was mostly lemon juice?

[ Is that really the best he could do? ]

None of that is bad, you know.

[ It's actually embarrassing how not bad most of that is. ]

[Ken shrugs.] I wouldn't stay with Hakkai-sama if I didn't mostly like him, even if there is bad stuff. [He pauses.] He did break into our room...that's probably the worst thing he's done to us, byon. But he's trying to make up for it, and he never really wanted to hurt us.

[He frowns.] But stuff's bad with you and Hakkai-sama again, right? That's why you're not staying at the temple anymore.

[ Ken isn't likely to attack him out of nowhere, so it's probably safe to go back to what he was doing. The bar is still opening tonight, and there's work that has to be done to get it ready. With a wary look at Ken Gojyo goes back to cutting up the limes. It's hard work, when he's wearing a cast that all but covers the fingers of his good hand, but he'll manage. He always manages. ]

I'm not comin' back ever, and that's all you need to know. You want any more juicy details, you go ask Hakkai.

[Ken frowns as he watches Gojyo awkwardly slice limes.] Did you guys fight? Is that why your arm's broken?

[This is troubling to Ken, but not as much as it would be for other people with healthier worldviews. He was fond of Hibari, who more than once at least fractured bones fighting him. (Less of a big deal with Ken than it would be for some people, since Ken heals quickly and can make things heal faster with his vessel form's power.) Strong people can fuck each other up even if they like each other, in his mind, especially if they're mad.

Still...]

I didn't think Hakkai-sama would hurt you on purpose, byon.

[He pauses.] I could help heal it if you want. [That's a good olive branch, right?]

[ Gojyo's doesn't look up, and doesn't pause in his chopping. ]

It wasn't on purpose. He was just mad.

[ And this, Chikusa, is how you get answers from somebody. Talk to them like they're a fucking person, and they won't respond with violence and threats. Usually. ]

I tried to hit him and he grabbed me, no big deal. I heal fast.

[ It's only been two weeks, after all. ]

Oh. [Ken takes a moment to process this.] Is that why you're not coming back, or is it something else?

[To be fair to Chikusa, he's never been equipped to handle emotionally charged things. That's Ken's job. Chikusa's the one you call for slow burn resentment, revenge schemes, and/or problem-solving more complex than 'punch in face until morale improves'.

Never send a bitter teenage espionage assassin to do a dog's job.

Meanwhile, Ken is squinting at Gojyo.] You could've lied and said he meant to break your arm. You don't hate him, do you?

[Ken says this less like a question, and more like he's confirming something he already suspected.]

[ No, he doesn't hate Hakkai. How could he? He can be afraid of the man, he can be so mad he wants to break his jaw, he can be so hurt by him he wants to die... but never hate.

You don't have to like the people you love, he's discovered. It's a shitty thing to learn, but it's true. ]

Why the hell would I come back? [ The knife chops violently through the tough skin of the lime, sending juice everywhere. Annoyed, he sets the knife down to properly glower at Ken. ] What, are you worried that if I'm not there for the other two to pick on, they'll turn on you?

No. [Ken leans away from the splattering lime a bit, nose wrinkled; it's not a bad smell, but it's pretty strong for his nose even while he's not channeling. And while he associates lemon and orange more with 'clean' smells, with cleaning products, it's still close enough to those to not be delightful. ] It'd probably be easier for me and Kakipi if you weren't there, 'cause you don't like us. But it'd probably be easier for you if we weren't there, too.

...but Hakkai-sama likes all of us. And he wants all of us with him. So if you're not with him, he won't be happy. And I don't think you're happy without him, either. He says you two are like me and Kakipi, and even when Kakipi and I didn't remember each other, and were fighting all the time, it didn't feel right being away from each other.

[Ken studies Gojyo.] That's why I came to talk to you. You're hurting Hakkai-sama, and the people around him, but...you're hurting yourself too, byon. So you're not doing it to be a jerk, and you're not doing it 'cause you want things to be this way. You've got reasons. I don't know what they are, so you don't make sense to me...so I wanted to ask you about 'em.

[ Hakkai compared himself and Gojyo to Chikusa and Ken? Well that's fucking insulting... but to who, Gojyo isn't sure. ]

You want to know? [ Is everybody he knows going to come and ask him to spill his heart out of them? Maybe he should just make a sign, hang it on the front door: Cho Hakkai Is Emotionally Withholding. ] Fine.

[ He was going to stay sober, but he needs a drink for this. He turns to the racks of bottles behind him and pulls down a frosted jug of vodka. ]

I don't hate Hakkai. I fucking love him.

[ He's very careful not to meet his own eyes in the mirror as he pours himself about four shots into a pint glass. But instead of drinking it, he sets it back on the bar, next to the mess of limes. His expression, when he looks up at Ken, is about as dead and blank as a living person's can be... and somewhere, there are three gods feeling a new, fresh jolt of grief and longing and pain. ]

But he's never once been on my side, about anything. I get attacked, and he blames me for responding. I come to him with an idea, and he tells me it's stupid. Everything I do in his eyes is stupid, or destructive, or just plain wrong. I tell him I love him, and he says that I just want sex. He doesn't care about me -- he owes me, owes the Sha Gojyo that he remembers, and I won't be his fucking burden.

[ He's very proud of himself -- he managed to keep his voice level and his eyes dry for that entire recitation. As a reward, he raises the glass in a mocking toast, and pours the entire four shots down his throat. ]

Now get the hell out of my bar.

[Ken watches this, listens to this, with a frown. It's not quite judging, or even disapproving, although it's certainly not disagreement; it's the frown of someone trying to work out something complicated.]

...I wasn't just talking about you and Hakkai-sama, though. [Gojyo's answered him, but not about everything, so he's not satisfied yet.] I mean like...why you believe you're not the real Gojyo, and stuff like that. That's a big part of why you've been doing the things you do, right? And why you don't trust Hakkai-sama? 'Cause you think the Gojyo he wants and the Gojyo you are are two separate people. But I don't even know why you think that's true, so I dunno how to understand it. I know Hakkai-sama doesn't think it's true...but I dunno which of you is right. So I wanna find out.

[ Gojyo's eyebrows climb with shock as Ken talks. Is he fucking kidding? ]

Then maybe, [ he growls, leaning over the bar so he's snarling right in Ken's face, ] you should have asked me about that sooner, instead of tryin' to rip my goddamn throat out.

[ His arm shoots out, finger pointing at the front door. ]

Get. Out.

[Ken hunkers down a little, clearly feeling Gojyo's menace, but he doesn't retreat or even bristle back.] I'm sorry I didn't ask sooner, but you never tried to explain it to me, either. And I'm asking now.

I wanna help. And I think helping Hakkai-sama means helping you.

[ His pointing finger clenches into a fist, and he slams it down on the bartop. ]

You had your fucking chance to help me! We talked about this shit time and again, and every time you told me I didn't get to think like that! But now that Cho Hakkai is feeling sad, suddenly you care?

[ If Ken still isn't moving, Gojyo's coming around from behind the bar, ready to grab his collar and haul him out of that chair if need be. ]

I won't ask you again. Out.

I told you that you couldn't tell everyone else what's true! Especially not without explaining it to people! [Ken finally raises his voice, yelling back angrily. He'll quietly take a lot of shit from Gojyo right now, especially if it means Gojyo will listen to him and talk to him...but he's not going to let Gojyo rewrite what happened between them.] You can believe whatever you want, but you were telling me everything I believe is wrong 'cause you say it is! And you've never even bothered to tell me why! And you're mad I didn't ask sooner? Why didn't you talk to me about it if you wanted me to believe you, instead of telling me what to think and looking down on me for not understanding something you never bothered to explain?! We've talked about this more than once and you've never explained any of it!

And you've been a jerk to me from the beginning, you don't get to be mad that I'm more worried about Hakkai-sama than you! It's not like you worry about me!

[Ken has no intentions of moving, and he crouches down on the barstool, hands curling to grip the wood of the bar. He's not going to fight Gojyo, but he'll certainly resist him; he's not going to be thrown out before Gojyo talks to him.]

I don't give a fuck if you're not worried about me, kid! And I don't give a fuck if I pissed you off!

[ Ken reaches down to grab the barstool in preparation to swing it at him, and Gojyo doesn't give him the chance. He moves, darting into the middle of the empty main room of the bar, putting some distance between himself and Ken. He can't block as fast, with the cast, and Ken's strong. He needs to be careful. ]

I am so sick of your shit!

[Ken straightens up a little when Gojyo darts to the middle of the bar, looking confused and letting go of the bartop. He'd thought Gojyo was coming around to fight him or drag him off or something, but now...he doesn't really know what Gojyo is doing, really.]

I haven't even done anything except asked you something later than you wanted me to. [Tonight, he means. Gojyo is free to complain about other stuff, and heavens knows he will, but Ken can't believe how angry Gojyo's gotten over him just...trying to understand him.] Is is seriously better for me to never understand you just 'cause we got off to a bad start and I didn't ask sooner? [He glowers a little.] This is why people think you're a jerk. If anyone screws up anything with you, or does anything that isn't exactly how you want it, you flip out on them. But you're a jerk to people all the time, and you still expect people to listen to you and respect you and not be pissy with you.

I've tried to help you a bunch of times, even during the jailbreak, and you never did anything but be a difficult jerk and then acting like there's something wrong with me for treating you like one. And you're doing it again right now!

Edited 2018-08-25 04:41 (UTC)

Then stop trying, because you're really fucking awful at it!

[ Ken's not throwing the chair? Gojyo stares him down, still posed to move again -- Ken's attacked him without warning enough times for him to know to keep his guard up. ]

How many times do I have to say it? I don't like you. I don't like Chikusa. I'm flipping out because you won't fucking listen when I tell you leave!

[ There's a good heart in there somewhere, beneath all the bullshit, but it's hard having to search for a reason to like someone. He's pretty sure Ken feels the same way about him. Hakkai sure does. ]

Hakkai and I are done, okay? It's over. I'm not his shinki and I'm not comin' back to his temple. [ Hakkai said you and him were like me and Chikusa, Ken had said, or something like that, and Gojyo mentally rolls his eyes. Is that why he's being so insistent? Because he sees himself and Chikusa in their relationship?

Gojyo fucking hopes not. They're assholes, but nobody deserves this. ]

Some relationships don't work out. Get over it.

I'm not here to make you do anything, you know. [Ken scowls.] What, you think I'm just gonna drag you back to Hakkai-sama and try and force you guys to make up? It wouldn't work and Hakkai-sama wouldn't like it. I'm trying to help you and him by trying to understand you. So if you and him are really better off not being together, that'd mean I'd end up understanding that too, right?

But right now all I see is Hakkai-sama sad and upset, and you sad and upset, and I don't understand why you both like each other but it keeps turning bad. And maybe it's not my job to understand something that's your guys' business, but I don't think either of you understand it either! Nobody understands anybody else and it's dumb! I wanna fix it!

[He huffs out a frustrated breath through his nose.] If whatever's keeping you guys from being able to be happy together can be fixed, then I wanna fix it. And if it can't be fixed...then I wanna at least be able to see what Hakkai-sama sees in you, instead of it just looking like you kept screwing up everything by being a jerk for no reason. 'Cause you wouldn't fuck up something you wanted unless you had a good reason, but I don't know what it is. And if the reason made sense, I could try and make Kakipi and Hakkai-sama understand, too, since you're really bad at it.

[ Gojyo just stands there, incredulous, his defensive posture easing more and more the longer Ken talks. Both him and Chikusa, they really are incapable of hearing anything but what they want to hear, aren't they? And this is what Hakkai finds endearing? These are the people he chose to side with over Gojyo?

How fucking awful does he find Gojyo then, if this is better?

He stands there, wrong hand eventually tucking itself into his jeans pocket, wearing an expression of pure annoyance, until Ken finishes talking. ]

Are you done?

Yeah. [Ken's eyes are narrowed, however, as he looks at Gojyo.]

...it doesn't matter, does it? You're not gonna change anything, even the stuff that's making you miserable. You just want everyone else to do things differently, so you can keep doing whatever you want but it stops being awful for you. 'Cause you being unhappy is everyone else's fault, always.

[Ken's never sounded like this before. He sounds...disgusted.]

[ If he expects Gojyo to respond to that, he hasn't been paying attention. Gojyo's used to people being disgusted with him. At this point, it's basically his trademark. ]

Right now what's makin' me unhappy is this guy who won't fucking leave.

[ Seriously, he can understand -- and even appreciate, a little -- Ken's tenacity. He sees something going wrong, sees his friend hurting, and he goes out to try and fix the problem. But Gojyo'd been living in that temple for weeks -- he had the chance to ask about all this stuff, had the opportunity to get to know the other man. And he didn't.

This, this fucking theater happening here? It's because Hakkai's been moping around the temple, isn't it? And he won't talk to Ken.

That's not Gojyo's problem. ]

You want people to talk to you? You want to understand what's going on? Listen to 'em the first four times they tell you something.

You never told me anything even once. You never acted like you liked me, or respected me, or would talk to me even if I asked, and you never did anything to make me wanna talk to you. And now that I am asking you - even though I still don't have any good reason to - you aren't gonna answer me, so you're not really proving me wrong. [He snorts, looking away.] You just make things everyone's fault but yours.

[He hops down from the barstool.] I'll go home. And I won't bug you again. I'll tell Kakipi not to bug you either. [Not that he has control over Chikusa - his partner will do what he will - but he can exert some influence.] We can't fix something you don't want fixed, and we don't wanna make things worse for Hakkai-sama.

[ It's a good thing Hakkai only has the two kids. Gojyo doesn't think he could bear it if this was his life now -- a steady stream of assholes showing up and demanding he share his innermost feelings and fears, just so Hakkai can sleep better.

This is what happens when he forgets who and what is he, he thinks. He should have been working on figuring out who Votelli's Sensei is, maybe getting himself into Amaterasu's place and seeing if he could figure out who the power behind the throne is there. But instead he tried to settle down and play house, and this is what he gets.

It's not a mistake he'll make again. ]

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

[Ken moves past Gojyo, although he stops level with him to glare at him for a moment.] Hakkai-sama was wrong. He might be a lot like Kakipi, but you're nothing like me.

And you can blame Hakkai-sama all you want, but you're the one who never liked him the way he is, and who's always wanted him to be someone else. To be whoever it is you wish he was. Kakipi and I don't need him to change who he is or who he likes to care about him, but you do.

[And without another word, he walks past Gojyo and towards the door. If he's not stopped, he'll leave without looking back.]

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[Closed] This split in the road

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