thenearshore | 32 - Blow Your Top

[ He can hear Hakkai running after him, and a not tiny part of him wants to run, too. Run as fast as he can, away from Hakkai and this conversation and all his obligations, find someplace where nobody knows him, nobody relies on him, nobody needs him. Just a hole in the earth, maybe, someplace dark and quiet.

But he can’t. He freezes, instead, when Hakkai grabs him, can’t you at least like me?, and Gojyo twists away. Maybe he can’t. He’s been a bad friend to Ayumu, to Tsuzuki, to Goku… maybe he can’t love, and he can’t like, maybe everyone really would be happier if he was—

But his train of thought is derailed, in order, by Jeep’s honk, Hakkai’s body slamming into his, and his face slamming into the ground. ]

What the...? [ Did… did Hakkai just get hit with his own car? He coughs, and tastes iron – his nose is bleeding, possibly broken, but he can’t help but laugh.

Hakkai just got run over by his own damn car. ]

I don’t think he likes you either! [ Wait, no, shit, this really hurts. ] Ow.

[Trying to dodge Gojyo left no room for trying to soften his own fall, and it didn't even work; Hakkai comes up spitting blood of his own from a scrape where a rock caught his lower lip, and rounds on Jeep. The car is looming over them, rumbling with obvious discontent.]

I don't need your help with this!

[He's driven Gojyo to hate him, he's fought with his other shinki, he's fought with the Heavens, he might as well shout at his dragon, too. It's possible he's not thinking clearly. Jeep's engine noise rises to a threatening rumble, and he edges forward towards Hakkai, kicking up a fine dust of ash from the shoulder.]

Why don't you talk to him--

[...he's shouting at his dragon. Hakkai stops, and rubs his face, smearing ash and a streak of livid blood over his cheek to half-obscure the curled vine there. He looks over at Gojyo, whose nose is gushing blood, looks at his own clawed and filthy fingers, puts his head down on his knees, and starts laughing helplessly.

He's really so bad at all of this.]

[ Pinching his nose shut hurts like a motherfucker, even just pinching it gingerly at the very bottom. It's definitely broken. ]

Ow ow ow fuck, [ he groans, rolling up into a sit and tilting his head back to wait for the bleeding to stop. ] Next time, just do me a favor and run me all the way over, okay Jeep?

[ But at least it's giving him something else to focus on. He owes the little dragon a big treat for that, later. ]

I'm runnin' out of things to break here, fuck.

[Hakkai is still laughing into his knees, off-kilter, choking on the sound; Jeep rumbles uncertainly, and, with an air of decision and a pop! of inrushing air, turns into a dragon that streaks towards Gojyo and circles him, chirping in a long and incomprehensible litany of complaint.

A complicated series of bumps and thuds, and at least one definite sound of breaking glass, echo from the pile of medical supplies hitting the ground where a Jeep had just been. Hakkai manages to swallow his laughter just enough to toss a weary glance at the pile, inhale, and put his head back down on his knees.

Jeep's head swings back around, and he leaves off lecturing Gojyo to head over to Hakkai and nip at the edge of one of his long, pointed ears.

Hakkai swats a hand gently in his direction without lifting his head. His voice is muffled.]

I'm fine, Jeep.

[ Jeep apparently doesn't think his joke was very funny, based on how much squawking and flapping ensues. Gojyo can't get up yet, can't hardly talk for all the blood dripping down the back of his throat, so he just closes his eyes and breathes shallow and slow, waiting for the bleeding to stop.

So Jeep doesn't like him either. Well, that's no surprise. It'd be amazing if he did, honestly.

...Fuck his face hurts, though. It's really hard to dwell on how much everyone hates him when his face hurts this bad. At least they'd driven most of the way back down the mountain before pulling off -- he can't be more than a few miles from Ayumu's temple. She'll have ice, and painkillers... she'll probably insist on snapping his nose back into place, he thinks, bringing his other hand up to prod hesitantly at the damage. That won't be fun. ]

Tell him I'm goin'. [ His voice is thick with blood; he swallows, and again, trying not to give in to the urge to cough and spit it out. ] Just need a minute to stop drippin'.

There's gauze in those bags.

[You know: the ones Jeep just dumped in the middle of the road in a pile. Hakkai's response is automatic, but his shoulders hunch in just a little further for a few seconds.

Jeep bites him on the ear again, hard enough to draw blood this time. He straightens his shoulders, lifts his head, and hauls himself to his feet with a shaky breath.

Jeep promptly takes wing, circling his head and scolding this time. Hakkai gives him a narrow-eyed look.]

I don't think that's what he's saying.

[The scolding grows more vigorous.]

But he could be more clear.

[ There's gauze in the bags sure sounds like do what you need to and leave now. And maybe that's not what Hakkai means -- maybe this is another opportunity for him to be wrong and let Hakkai correct him -- but given the choice between a condescending lecture and a long, painful walk home? He'll take the walk.

Hakkai's talking to the dragon but Gojyo's not really listening. Hekneels, then stands, wobbling, hands out until he's sure of his balance. Shit, there's blood everywhere -- it's all over his face, all over his hand, his shirt is ruined (it was already ruined with one sleeve burned off, but now it's doubly ruined). Today really isn't his best day. ]

Sorry for bein' unclear. [ Or maybe he was listening after all. His nose is dripping steadily now, but at least it's not gushing. It'll dry up on its own soon enough, probably. It's fine. He waves, kinda, in Hakkai's direction, and heads back out onto the road. ] Sorry.

[He's not really listening, if he thinks Hakkai was talking to him, instead of sniping at his dragon: Hakkai turns, confusion clashing with the pain on his face as he looks at Gojyo, stumbling away onto the road without even stopping his nose from bleeding.

Sorry, he says, sorry, and Hakkai doesn't know if he's apologizing for the fight, or because he misunderstood, or because whatever there is between them he can't bring himself to like Hakkai after all.

Numbly, he shakes his head.]

No -- I didn't mean you, Gojyo.

[Reaction is setting in after his brief loss of control. His hands are icy and shaking as he bends to tug one of the paper-wrapped packets of gauze from the tumbled supplies, holds it out.]

[ He turns, when Hakkai calls his name, follows his movements dumbly as Hakkai reaches down and pulls out a gauze pad. Is it for Hakkai's bloody mouth?

Oh. No. It's for him.

...Fine. He's not so caught up in his I'm-the-worst routine that he can't see the benefit of patching his face up before taking a several mile hike down a volcano. Almost. But not quite. ]

Thanks, [ he mumbles, shuffling over (his balance isn't the greatest at the moment) and taking the offered gauze. Carefully, he presses it to his nose, watching Hakkai over the edge of the pad with tired, bloodshot eyes.

He should say something, shouldn't he? ]

I don't hate you. [ Shit, no, sorry, he has to sit back down. He's really light-headed. ] Maybe I don't know how to love, but I know I don't hate you.

[Gojyo crumples down to a seated position, gauze still pressed to his face and reddening. The blood isn't gushing as much, but Hakkai can see redness that's going to be bruising soon spreading around the nose. It's probably broken.

He drops down next to Gojyo, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. His claws dig absently into his sleeve, tugging holes in the fabric.]

I...

[For a moment, he can't trust his voice, and so he nods, instead, lines flinching into view around his eyes as he looks out at the ash-covered road.]

I don't think you don't know how to love.

[Behind them, Jeep settles on the pile of packages, wings half spread to protect his head from the thin ashfall, and begins grooming his face.]

Not any more than anybody. Maybe I'm the one who-- can't. [He closes his eyes, and corrects with precision:] Shouldn't. I can't even stop hurting you.

[Gojyo's broken nose isn't his fault, and there's blood in his own mouth, but it's how these fights end every time, isn't it? Gojyo clutching his wrist, Gojyo peppered with poisoned darts, Gojyo burned, Gojyo bleeding: he's seen Gojyo hurt a thousand times, of course, just as he's been hurt a thousand times in front of Gojyo. He's not so fragile that he'll fall apart at the scent of blood.

But it's different when it's not the two of them fighting another. It's different when it's their hands raised against each other, when he has to face the cold fact that he's the one causing the most pain to someone he'd die to protect.

How can he ask Gojyo to like him, when it hasn't even been half an hour since Hakkai almost burned his arm off?]

[ Hey, this particular hurt he doesn't get to claim credit for. With his free hand, Gojyo points at his own nose, and then jabs his finger in Jeep's direction. This particular hurt? Is all the damn dragon's fault.

But this isn't the time for joking. For one, he can't laugh, and how unfair is that? ]

Shouldn't? [ His voice is congested, clogged, and completely pathetic. He can't believe that their fight has come to this particular topic, but here they are. ] Can't blame you there. I wouldn't love me either.

[ But Hakkai at least knows how to love somebody. He had Kanan, for however long they were together... and hell, even longer. It's been clear both times he's talked about her just how much he still loves her. It's almost enough to make a man jealous. ]

S'okay. I understand.

[Hakkai glances up, following Gojyo's accusatory pointing finger, and his lips twitch in a brief smile. All right, yes, the nose is Jeep's fault, but the arm had been his own, and the throat wound he's not seeing anymore--

He still doesn't quite know how he feels about that. It's not real, of course, but could it be his own memories that he can't trust and not what he'd seen in Gojyo's?

Goku agrees with him, but Goku remembers things he doesn't, too. His smile falls away almost as soon as it forms, and he shakes his head, looking away.]

Not that I shouldn't love you. [He doesn't stumble over the words: his voice is low, confessional.] But I used to think you were the one person in the world I knew I'd never hurt--

[--never kill, but he can't say that, not with ghosts fresh in his mind. One is the specter of that cut throat and the other is the worse specter of Gojyo twisted into a monster by Hakkai saying just a little too much.]

And if that's not true. [He inhales, and spreads his hands out, looking at them, the curl of vines and the ten vicious points of his claws. There's a little blood on a few of them, where his fiddling with the fabric of his sleeve had accidentally scratched his skin: he's out of practice dealing with them in everyday life.]

I shouldn't let myself ... do that. Love, any more.

[ To Gojyo, that just sounds like more evidence that he's been right all along -- that they're just playing the roles of Hakkai and Gojyo, just copies, imperfect and beyond repair.

That would mean that that wasn't Kanan that Hakkai saw, all those months back. Gojyo thinks that would be a relief, but he's pretty sure Hakkai doesn't see it that way.

So they're Hakkai and Gojyo then. How can this make sense for the Hakkai and Gojyo that Hakkai remembers? ]

Maybe you don't love me. [ He doesn't really have the energy -- or the breath -- to bother making the statement nicer... but it's not an attack. If he can accept the possibility that he doesn't love Hakkai, then accepting that Hakkai doesn't love him doesn't take any effort at all. ] 'Cause if what I'm feeling isn't love then maybe what you're feeling isn't either.

[ The gauze is getting squishy under his fingers. With a frown (that he regrets immediately) Gojyo folds the pad over, wadding it up under his nose. ]

You're not the same person you were a year ago, right? Maybe you're just telling yourself you love me because it's a habit.

[Hakkai doesn't flinch; it's a long way from a shock to hear that Gojyo doesn't think Hakkai loves him back, or wonders if Hakkai's feelings count as love. It's still a brutal, awful thought: that he can do this because he just doesn't love Gojyo enough for it to stop his hands before he draws blood. The silence stretches between them, while he looks away into the ashfall.

Eventually, he refolds his hands, more careful this time not to scratch himself, and puts his chin on his knees. He feels a little like a child, balled up somewhere dark and hoping not to be found.]

You're still the most important thing in the world to me.

[He turns his head, cheek brushing his knuckles, to look at Gojyo; his eyes are soft, full of affection, despite the misery still etched in tight lines around his mouth.] ... and if I've ever been in love, I love you.

I can't tell you what you're feeling, anyway.

[He shifts, one hand going to his chest to press at it, trying to ease the ache, and he adds:] Gods don't feel the positive emotions, as much.

[ Hakkai's eyes are too bright. Gojyo has to look away. ]

I should feel those more often then, [ It's not at all funny, and the sound he makes it definitely not a laugh. ] Keep my privacy.

[ No, it's not funny at all, is it? He thought he had a high tolerance for pain, but Hakkai's just blown him out of the water. It's absolutely unimaginable, the things this man had tolerated from him. The things he's endured. The unending shit that Gojyo's laid on his doorstep, and he's still here. He's still trying.

How the fuck is he still trying!? ]

You're really making me look bad here.

Edited 2018-09-14 04:37 (UTC)

[Hakkai makes a vague sound of agreement: yes, be happy, keep your privacy.

He's not the one making Gojyo look bad, though. His voice goes a little dry. This isn't funny, either, but:]

I tried to blow your head off half an hour ago.

[He hadn't known who it was, but still.]

[ No, Gojyo makes himself look bad without any help from anyone else. ]

So you're saying I...

[ But he's interrupted by another blast from the volcano. The earth shakes beneath them, like a big truck passing by, and in the distance is the crack and boom of half a dozen trees falling. Gojyo meets Hakkai's eye apologetically when the shaking stops, and sets the gauze aside. ]

Maybe we should finish this later?

[ Can there be a later? ]

[Ah yes. The volcano that's still erupting behind them. Hakkai reflects on the fact that he hadn't actually paid attention to where, in the falling ash, he'd dropped his limiters. Next to the pile of baggage that used to be in Jeep is a safe bet, but--

He nods.]

Maybe. Somewhere quieter. [Is there going to be a later? His tone is uncertain, but he breathes in, and steadies it, offering:]

... Should I set your nose before you go?

[Without the bloodied gauze obscuring it, it definitely looks broken.]

[ Oh, it's broken. Cartilage doesn't twist that way without breaking.

The idea of having Hakkai's magic in him again makes Gojyo pause... but it's not something he can say no to. 'Gojyo' wouldn't say no. 'Gojyo' would let Hakkai heal him, and thank him for it. ]

You mean, so I don't have to explain to anyone that your car tried to run me over? [ He can't really grin right now, but he hopes his tone is clear enough. ] Please.

Mm. Besides, if you look any more like a gangster, I think police will start to spot you even as a shinki.

[It's important to protect his last vestige of respectability, the unflattened nose. Hakkai's attempt at a joke is just as weak as Gojyo's; abandoning an attempt to smile, he steps forward, feels for the break with a light touch, and aligns it in one movement.

His fingers linger there for just a moment, channeling enough energy to encourage it to begin healing. Gojyo's still going to spend a few days black-and-blue, regardless.]

There.

[ Hakkai reaches out, all gentleness and care, and breaks Gojyo's nose again.

He jerks, pain tears filling his eyes, but almost immediately the pain is washed away by a flood of warmth. With his vision blurred, he could almost pretend it's sunlight. He leans into it, face a mask of bliss, until long after Hakkai's finished.

He doesn't want to open his eyes. Once he opens his eyes, the moment will be done, he'll have to leave, Hakkai will leave, and chances are next time they meet they'll be fighting again.

If I ever loved anyone, I love you, Hakkai had said. Maybe he can remember that. Maybe he can hold on to that, for next time. ]

Good as new! [ Well, no, but it feels like he broke it five days ago instead of five minutes ago. He rises, scrubbing briefly at the blood over his mouth with the back of his hand, his focus on the volcano.

If they fight again, now, this soon after things were nice, then he's not going to be able to bear it. Better to leave quickly, while they both still care about each other. ]

I'm goin' back up there. You headin' down?

[Hakkai wants to suggest that they go together, but-- well.

If he's affected by whatever made him hallucinate again, he can't trust he'll be safe. If Gojyo's affected, it could be just as bad. If they're apart, they won't necessarily be safe, but the people they hurt aren't going to be each other.]

I have to repack Jeep first... but yes, I'll check some of the temples down here.

[If whatever that was got him on the mountain, he'll have time to get the rest of it out of his system. Gojyo, on the other hand-- he looks up at him, not getting up quite yet. There's real blood all over his shirt now.]

And make sure no one's trapped in a collapse. Be careful.

[ Yeah, he looks a little bit like a nightmare. It's probably too much to ask that there's a rest stop or a creek or something nearby, huh? ]

You too.

[ He pats his pocket, making sure his phone's still there. Those heaven-made phones, man... they're sturdy. ]

If you need help, or you get attacked again, you can call me, okay? [ Wait, no, that's not how he wants to say that. ] I want you to call me.

[ That's better. ]

[Hakkai gives him a thoughtful look, and then ducks his head; his smile is uncertain but real.]

I will.

[I don't hate you. It's something. Hakkai's learned his lesson, and he isn't going to try to jump ahead, too far, this time. Still, maybe...

... maybe they can rebuild a little of the trust that's been lacking between them. Maybe it's not impossible.]

And if you need anything... call me?

[ I need you. The words are on the top of his tongue, and he barely manages to avoid letting them out.

With a nod, Gojyo turns, and starts on the long hike back up the mountain. ]

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