Warm hands are the best cure for teary eyes.

[swordofzero]

Who: Suzaku and Saber
When: 1st February
Where: Saber's Temple
What: In the middle of all the dream madness Suzaku regained a memory, he is being good and talking to his god.
Warnings: There will be talk of death, dead bodies and children in war situations.

Whatever had been causing the sleeping sickness and the strange shared dreams that came with it seemed to fade. It had been strange, Suzaku had found himself in many dreams. Dreams of those he had known, some dreams of people he did not know. He had seen glimpses of peoples past that he knew instinctively he should not speak about.

He was not sure if he had dreamed himself, if people had shared dreams with him that were locked away inside him alongside his memories. But as the confusion of the past few days faded and he was able to sort out what had been real and what had been dream he realised he had a memory that he had not had before. A dream that felt real in a way the other dreams had not.

He had regained a memory before, a whole day. Meeting Euphemia. As mostly... sweet as that one had been this one was nothing like it.

Last time those he had spoken to about it had urged him to speak to his god, he never had. Not wanting to burden Lord Kija and less than a week later he had been godless again.

But he knew they were right, the fear, sorrow and anger he had woken up feeling were bound to have been noticed by Lord Saber. He knew that holding things inside him could put his god in danger. So after mulling it over for a few hours he sought out his god. He was not hard to find, in the living area watching something on the TV.

Suzaku lingered in the door way. "My Lord?"

Comments

[fauxcalibur]

Hm?

[Even though it seemed like Saber's attention was focused completely on the TV, he somehow managed to grab the remote to pause it and look up almost before Suzaku was finished speaking.]

Is something the matter?

[swordofzero]

[Suzaku stood instinctively to attention the moment Saber focused on him.] Nothing too urgent, sir. [He looked apologetic for interrupting.]

I was wondering if I could speak to you when you had the time.

[fauxcalibur]

I have nothing but time.

[His issue had always been not that he didn't care about people, but that he frequently had a terrible time noticing when he should. For instance, this was the first time he had any inkling that something might be bothering Suzaku, but now that his attention was focused on him, it was going to be difficult to deter him from helping whether his help was wanted or not.]

No need to be so formal if something is weighing on your mind.

[swordofzero]

[Suzaku entered the room fully, sitting at the end of the sofa, back ramrod straight looking very much like the soldier he only sort of remembered he was. It was as less formal as he felt comfortable with.]

I know there was the strange sleeping sickness and everyone had strange dreams but I think... I had a dream. It didn't feature anyone from the heavens and it felt... I believe it was a memory rather than a regular dream.

[fauxcalibur]

[Shinki being reminded of their past was a dangerous thing. He'd gotten that lecture from Archer early on and he'd tried to be as mindful of it as he could. However, it was also true that shinki could remember small things somehow. It was one of the thing that intimidated the so called "old gods" or whatever they considered themselves to be.]

Is that so? I won't press, but you know you can't say something like that and not expect me to be curious. It's my nature, after all.

[All he knew about Suzaku's past was what he saw upon naming him and that wasn't exactly the most pleasant thing to see.]

Cw: talk of dead bodies incl children

[swordofzero]

[Suzaku had known that Saber would want to know more. It was why he had deliberated so long before coming to him after all. He knew he would have to explain. He was glad Saber didn't press him, left it up to him whether he wanted to talk.

But talking to his god about things that concerned him was part of being a shinki, he knew this was the right thing to do.]

I was a child. With two other children.
A boy of an age with me and a girl... Her name was Nunnally. She was being carried and she never opened her eyes, I'm not sure she could. [The way the boy had spoken to her, gently. Lying to protect her, lies that would have crumbled if she'd opened her eyes to see what really surrounded them.]

We were walking down a dirt path. It was warm and we were in summer clothing. There were bodies... Just lying in the fields. Wounded... Mostly dead. Not soldiers just... Civilians. Children... Babies in their mothers arms.

[He is trying to report this, to keep his emotions out of it though Saber would no doubt sense the underlying horror and grief. But on the last his voice cracked a bit, his hands curled into fists at his side. It was just a memory. One with barely any context but he felt anger that something so awful had happened.]

[fauxcalibur]

[Saber opened his mouth to speak, then closed it almost immediately. Suzaku was obviously distraught and the last thing he wanted to hear was the sort of response Saber would usually give to something like this. Empathy wasn't exactly his forte, but that wasn't an excuse for not trying.]

A painful thing to remember, surely.

[That seemed to be the right thing to say. No nosy questions, no equating it to his own experiences, no callous optimism.]

[swordofzero]

Yes. [He shrugged. It felt strange, he knew it was real but it still seemed so disconnected. A horrible thing to see, a memory that raised more questions than it answered.]

It's not the first thing I've remembered and... It is difficult to reconcile the two moments.

[And he's not sure how dangerous it is to try.]

[fauxcalibur]

You shouldn't dwell on it too much. There is very little we can do about our pasts and your present situation is surely very different.

[That's...sort of helpful.]

Should you wish to entrust me with whatever you remember, you can let me do the thinking for you.

[swordofzero]

You are right. [It is a world he is not part of any more, a world he can never return to and a life that even if he remembered it was not any part of his life here.

But it was tempting to think. Hakkai had said that remembering was one of the cruellest parts of being a shinki and Suzaku agreed with him.]

The first time I remembered something it was a whole day... As detailed as this one was vague and I was an adult. I met a girl named Euphemia, who turned out to be a princess of Britannia.

[This needs some context, he's aware.] Britannia is an empire in my world, they have taken over much of the world including Japan, which is known as Area Eleven and the people Elevens. [That is general knowledge, things he knew once he had enough context to know this world was different. What was missing was any kind of emotional reaction to that, Suzaku often made stoicism an art form but his explanation was just that.] Through my memory I learned that I was a soldier of the Britannian army, an honoury Britannian. I also learned that I was the son of the late prime minister. The Japanese people I met that day were quick to call me traitor.

[And there's the problem. How did he get from that child angry and horrified in a field of the dead to someone who betrayed his own country? The country his father had apparently once led. How had he come to fight in the army of the empire that ruled his homeland.]

[fauxcalibur]

[It's difficult on many levels to find a proper response. For one thing, if he speculates too much and suggests what he thinks may have happened, it could be dangerous for Suzaku. Then there's the fact that it's hard to connect the situation to his own experiences, which means it wouldn't even be able to hold his interest under other circumstances. However, he can't just abandon the conversation because Suzaku is a friend as well as someone he's responsible for and that means he'll persevere even to the point where Suzaku will get tired of dealing with it. Possibly.]

I understand that Prime Minister isn't an inherited position, but you would still be of some political value, I would think. Offering you a position in the Britannian army, especially if it was of some importance or particularly visible, could be advantageous to securing the Britannian position in Japan. And I should think such a position would be one you would accept.

[swordofzero]

[That... makes a lot of sense and though Suzaku knows that he shouldn't think about it too hard it is good to have a possible answer. Even if it is just speculation on Saber's part.] That may be the case. It may have been an attempt to improve relationships between the two countries.

[He is going to have to be satisfied with that answer because thinking any more into it is too dangerous. He prefers it to thinking that he was just a traitor, that he did it for a reason. To help. But perhaps that is just wishful thinking, hoping he is not as awful as his memory suggested.] Thank you.

[fauxcalibur]

You're welcome!

[It seems to have put Suzaku's mind at ease at least a little bit, so he's relieved.]

I may not have been the best of kings, but if there's one thing I do know a little about, it's using people to cement control over territory!

[Which sounds terrible and is, well, actually pretty terrible at times.]

[swordofzero]

[It was a little terrible but Suzaku is not judging, after all it was the job of a king to keep control of their lands and using people, as awful as that was, was a effective way to do so.]

I am sure you were a good king.

[fauxcalibur]

I'm quite sure I wasn't!

[He shrugs and leans back against the couch.]

I don't think there's a single history book you might find that would tell you differently, either. And when it comes to fiction...well, the best known story that involves me is more about my absence than anything else.

[Which is about what he deserves, really. But good on Loxley for getting the better legacy out of the two of them.]

I am, at least, trying to be a bit more responsible here in this place.

[swordofzero]

Oh. [That was unfortunate. But Suzaku won't argue, Saber has all his memories. He is aware of what kind of person he was before arriving here. What kind of king.

And if he had made mistakes in the past he had clearly learned from them.]

You may have not been a good king, but I believe you to be a good god. [A small smile. Saber's words in his dream, about having responsibility for Suzaku. It's still something he is getting his head round. But he is grateful.]

[fauxcalibur]

[He smiles at that, a little bashfully. He never really knows what to do about genuine compliments.]

If you believe so, I must be succeeding somehow..

[swordofzero]

[Suzaku smiled as well, a little awkwardly. Saber was succeeding. He was pretty sure Edge would agree as well.] Thank you. For listening. [And pretty much everything else but this conversation is already out of Suzaku's comfort zone.]