thenearshore | Halloween is Valentine's Night

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Halloween is Valentine's Night

Who: Zetta and whoever encounters his schemes
When: The 13th to the 14th, late night like your dreams
Where: The Far Shore, the Near, and in between
What: Zetta breaks into the holiday-theft scene

The gods and the shinki liked Valentine's a lot...
But Lord Zetta, in Angra Mainyu's temple, did not!

Zetta hated Valentine's! The whole Valentine's season!
If you asked him why, he'd surely tell you the reason:

"I'm a book now, you moron! How can I truly seek
A cute girl with which to get on my freak?!
Oh also, the evil," he added after a pause.
"As Overlord, that's surely enough cause."

Having monologued at top volume, though no one really cared
He climbed to the roof, and at the Far Shore stared.
Staring down from the height with a sour Zetta frown
He put his mind to work, thinking on how this could go down.

For the gods and the shinki were going on dates
(Blind though they might be, tempting the fates).
"And the Near Shore humans are buying cards shaped like hearts!"
he snarled. "This has to be stopped 'fore it starts!"

He tried to pace, but without legs failed.
So back to complaining he turned, and railed:
"For tomorrow, the humans, the shinki, the gods
Will get sappy-smoochy like blithering clods!
And then all the noise! All the noise, noise, noise, NOISE!
As they pull off ridiculous Valentine's ploys!

And their voices will lift as they pass out their gifts,
They'll go to weird restaurants with no sense of thrift!
Two-for-one at Milly's! Special Dinners at Banquick!
Balloons at Henennigan! Fruit plates at Schendrick!
Fondue at Fondoolies! Heart sushi at Blist!"
(He wasn't bothered that these didn't exist.)
"And they'll play sappy games, like 'Twister With No Shame'
I can't play Twister! They know that! That's lame!
With love in the air," the tome shuddered and sneered,
"That's not demonic! That's humanic! And weird.

"And then everyone, Near or Far, won't sit down to a feast.
They won't feast! They won't feast! THEY WON'T FEAST FEAST FEAST FEAST!
No pudding, no casserole, no rare roast beast!
A lack of feast is a thing I can't stand in the least!"

"And then they'll do something I'll hate most of all
The humans especially, the tall and the small
They'll whip out their phones, and start to cram
Pictures onto Twitter, Facebook, Instagram!"

And the more Zetta feared the Internet would get crappy
The more he knew he had to stop this holiday most sappy!
"I'm an Overlord, damn it! A demon, not a schnook!
I don't celebrate holidays! Even when I'm a book!"

Then he got an idea. An awful idea!
Zetta got a parody-is-protected-speech idea!

"I know just what to do!" Zetta said with a grin,
Even as his minions built a palanquin.
And he laughed as he assumed the demonic throne.
"Wrecking their good times will set the proper tone!"

He admired himself. "A transport worth my grace!
Now I can do my ill works all over the place!"

You're a mean one, Lord Zetta. You really are a tool.
You're as vile as fake vanilla, you're as foolish as a fool,
Lord Zetta-ah! You're a parfait with fewer layers than a movie ogre!

You're a dickbag, Lord Zetta. A vile, pathetic prat!
Your spine is full of bookworms, your brain is so much fat,
Lord Zetta-ah! You should be beaten with a... THIRTY NINE AND A HALF FOOT POOOOOOLE!

"Now I need some luggers," Zetta said, quick and rude --
For the Prinnies knew their role, uttering a sad 'Dood.'
They picked up the palanquin, not quite in sync,
and Zetta tipped over. "Would you stop and think?!"
"Sorry dood," they chorused, as more minions piled on.
But they couldn't leave yet. Where had Zetta gone?
Beneath miniony butts the Sacred Tome thrashed
Unable to move, he finally lashed
Out with "Zetta Beam!" and blew two away.
The Prinnies leaped into motion, the scheme now underway!
With a quick teleport, Zetta crossed the lines
To the slumbering Far Shore, still lit by street signs.

The NEETs were still up, but they wouldn't grace
The street outside with a sight of their face
So safely concealed, Zetta picked the first place.

"This is stop number one," he said as his squad
Thundered in the front door (this plan wasn't flawed!)
He was pretty sure Cupid had arrows and a bow
But that couldn't hurt humans if THEY didn't know.
And if for a moment he ended up on the floor
Blame the minion, not him. Or better yet, ignore!
He gazed around and saw a hint of red fringe.
A sign of Valentine's! So, with no conscience to twinge,
And a smile on his sinister, tomely face
He gave the order, and his minions raided the place!

Candies! And chocolates! A card! Coupons for Arby's!
Love notes! And confessions! Happy Valentine's Barbies!

The sack went out on minionly feet
To start a pile on his carrying seat!

You're a turdbird, Lord Zetta. You have spiders in your laugh!
If a cute puppy needed truth you'd purposely fail the polygraph,
Lord Zetta! Not that I think you have the emotional clarity to pass a polygraph in the first place.

You're a walrus, Lord Zetta. The Overlord of rot!
Your soul's a bitter lemon in a barren, empty plot
Lord Zetta! You're a half-cooked Netherdactyl wing dripping in indigestion sauce and EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF E.COLI!

Then they barged into the office, and fired up the PC!
And he deleted all the stored passwords with glee!
He wiped profiles and timelines, cleaned out memories
And for later blackmail stored browser histories.
"That'll stop them from posting holiday exhortations,"
Zetta chuckled. "Now to cancel their romantic reservations!"

Minions whipped out their phones and started to dial
But Zetta had been seen this entire while.

Out from a doorway there leaped a young lad.
"What are you doing to poor Mom and Dad?!"

Zetta was shocked. This could spoil his fun!
How disgraceful to be so quickly undone!
But he was a demon. He had more tricks to try!
Time for the quickest to come to mind: lie.

"You're having a dream," he said, quick and clever.
"And now you're sleepwalking. Go back to bed, Trevor."
"Uh, that isn't my name --" "I don't really care.
The point is none of this is really there."

"That seems unlikely," the young boy said.
A menu popped up inside Zetta's head.
It had two choices: PARAGON/RENEGADE
For a demon, that decision had already been made.

The minions broke out rags and chloroform.
Quick enough not!Trevor was back in bed, all warm.
Gently, just as if the kid were his son or daughter
Zetta left his hand in a bowl of warm water.
Then snicked as he returned to his task, wickedly.
"I'll not be stopped so simply by a freaking NPC!"

With not much left to ruin, Zetta pondered his deed.
It hit a lot of the sins, but was lacking in greed.
So to round out the crime, Zetta raided the kitchen
And cheerfully imagined all of the bitchin'
He would surely hear when he spread out a buffet
That hungry shinki wouldn't be allowed to enjoy any way!

Then he did the same thing to the Far Shore worldwide!
(What do you mean that's not possible? Have you ever tried?)

You sicken me, Lord Zetta, with emphasis on the sick!
You're a raging egomaniac and something of a prick
Lord Zetta! Your soul is a tangled mess of nettles and briars intermixed with poison ivy more knotted than those kind of creepy chain drawings on Luna Lovegood's ceiling!

You're a foul one, Lord Zetta. Worst god, as a cinch!
You couldn't even get your own evil, you're just ripping off the Grinch!
Lord Zetta! The three words that best descibe you are as follows, and I quote: GONG. DONG. PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!

It was quarter of dawn, with all lovebirds still abed
And the palanquin teetered with cookies and shortbread
Piled high with their gifts, their love cards, their truffles,
Their knicknacks and brickabrak, their Triscuits and ridged Ruffles!
Back to the Far Shore they teleported anew
Back to the temple of Angra Mainyu.
"Hyaaa ha ha ha ha!" he laughed, a wicked grin on his face.
"Now Valentine's Day is thoroughly erased!

Instead of good thoughts, they'll post shame and sorrow!
I can't wait to see my Twitter feed tomorrow!
Or is that today?" he mused. "I can't tell.
Aaah, it doesn't matter. Another job done well!"

Back into his castle they tromped, quick and loud.
"I bet we'll have visits from an angry crowd!"

But as he checked his phone, and pulled up his feeds
He found it still full -- but with happy screeds.
Gleeful cries of delight that the holiday'd died
For incels looked on this dark deed with pride!
Redpills sang out that their time had come
Because this feminist holiday was so very dumb!

He stared at the screen, growing aghast.
At the upsurge of happiness growing ever more vast.
Every man in the manosphere, antisocial and sad
Was delighted that Valentine's would no longer be had!
"Girls wouldn't give us chocolate anyway," they said,
"But now all those Chads won't get them instead!"
The Overlord recoiled in horror and fear.
With rising horror, he whispered, "Oh dear.

They're tweeting on Twitter. They're posting on Reddit.
They're memeing on 4chan -- and they're giving me credit!"

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Zetta thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Valentines," he thought, "is more than love works."
"Maybe Valentines means... sticking it to these jerks."

And what happened then? Angra Mainyu's worshippers say
That the Overlord's pride grew three sizes that day.
For now the true horrors of the Internet shone through --
And his urge to spite someone had found a target quite new!

And now that his anger had a fresh goal in sight
He raced into action to make things all right.

In a thunderous crash, Zetta and minions descended
Back to the Shore where they'd so offended.
In magnificent haste Prinnies and minions scurried
To restore what they'd taken, perfectly (if hurried).
Reservations uncancelled, candy replaced,
Cards, chocolates, and all -- he wouldn't be disgraced!
By computers he left numbers for free tech support
(Provided by Prinnies, but he TRIED to be a good sport.)
Every dark deed undone in the blink of an eye.
And in the quiet that followed, you could hear MRAs cry.

All his effort was spoiled. He'd gained nothing, lost time.
Worse, he'd done the whole damn thing in rhyme.
Angry and upset, Zetta, through his mind's dark gloom
Said, "I'll have the last laugh. Arbor Day's goddamn doomed."

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"Entrust MY data to another's hands?
Don't make such preposterous, foolish demands.
My private cloud servers supply ample room
For the spectacular amount of media I consume."
Even her TV habits were a high point of pride
For a Prince whose none of her whims were denied.
Yet conversing with Prinnies just made her feel worse
And her server room lay back in her home puniverse.
She hadn't connected ever since she'd arrived.
Of her PriPara reruns - Hibiki was deprived!!
The mere thought of all those lost shows caused deep hurt,
And the God's undue verbosity grew slightly curt.
"Hurry and fix it. I don't care how.
It's all custom-made, but you'll solve this thing NOW!"

A pause ensued, as the Prinny seeks
Information on such backup techniques.
"Dood, this is an act of futility,"
It said. "That's an unapproved data utility."
A custom-made tablet - such an arrogant gag!
But wait! That phrasing raised a red flag.
"Hold up there dood, I've got to be fair:
Did you at some point modify the hardware?"

"I TRANSPLANTED IT!" Hibiki explained
In an impatient yell whose stakes were pained.
"IT'S AN UTTER ORIGINAL! TO MAKE IT CLASSY,
I PLACED PriOS SOFTWARE IN A PRINDOWS CHASSIS!
PRIPADS DON'T COME IN MY PREFERRED COLOR!
HONESTLY, COULD YOU GET ANY DULLER?!"
She was reaching her limit. Her temper had frayed.
If she heard one more "dood", she'd require first aid.

"Dood!" said the Prinny, unhelpfully.
"After all that, it's plain to see
That no matter how vexed you are, or annoyed
You've broken the warranty! It's null! It's void!"
This truly was a problem, first class
Primarily since Hibiki would soon kick its ass.
How terrible that aid would not be thwarted
By third-party mods rendering it unsupported!

Upon the Prinny's dreadful pronouncement,
Although it anticipated an announcement
Of Hibiki's temper sparking a riot,
The connecting line was eerily quiet.
So quiet that you could hear a pin drop.
Hibiki's entire being had decided to....stop.
Only for a moment. Certainly not a day.
But the Prince's consciousness had gone away.
It had basked too long in absurdities
Without drinking nearly enough high-class tea
So although the Prinny could faintly hear breath:
The Prince herself suffered a PLUE SCREEN OF DEATH.

The silence grew as Hibiki stayed broke.
The Prinny feared she'd suffered a stroke.
Scrabbling to not drop the phone
The Prinny prayed it was all alone.
The Overlord would have its head--
He didn't want Hibiki dead!
(Humiliated, and degraded, sure.
Don't think his motives are ever pure.)
"But wait!" it squawked. "Perhaps we can
Implement a different plan!"

"A different plan?" the statue rasped
As a sort of consciousness was, once more, grasped.
Her mind remained mostly stuck in a loop
Of "dood" and headaches and wanting to droop
Or else exploding and busting a vein,
But for one moment more, Hibiki would refrain.
She'd listen, she'd focus, she'd try to stay here.
And if that failed - then the Prinny should fear.

"Check your text. I sent a link
To an app that'll work, I think."
No sooner did it finish the rhyme
Than her cell sounded its new text chime
Offering a program named, menacingly,
"NetherWorldRecovery."
A one-click install offered a host
Of options to the Hibiki-statue-ghost.

Being a genius, the Prince knew better
Than to install any old apprication that'd let her.
But, trusting as she did her custom virus buster,
She opened the app to see if it'd pass muster.
What sort of pathetic alternative route
Might the Prinny offer to regain her lost loot?

Perhaps Hibiki would be all smiles
When the app popped up with "Restore Files?"
A few other checkboxes presented
With options confused, convoluted, demented.
"Uh, let me see," the Prinny mumbled
As his manual was by his flippers fumbled.

"I require no guidance," the Prince declared
For her mind was made up and her plan, all prepared:
Ignoring the options that sought to bamboozle
The user upon a mere casual perusal,
She tapped "Restore Files" with a sly, smug-half grin.
A pathetic game, this. Hibiki'd always win.

"Step one," said the Prinny, unaware of her deed
"On the Terms and Agreements, tap 'agreed'.
Step Two, select the file directory.
Don't leave it to default, it might format C."
Oh dood! It looks like the end of your trials--
Once you make the choice, it will get back your files!"

That's not what she's done. That's not what she did.
Hibiki, watching her screen, just about blew her lid.
Could she go back? This whole thing was absurd!
She never should have taken advice from a bird!
She couldn't even harangue the tech support line till she knew:
What would befall her tablet now? Was it through?!

"The program worked with grace and aplomb,
Unless it displays a giant lit bomb,"
said the Prinny, who naturally thought
This silence meant the Pripad's no longer shot.
"But I can't hang up unless you've answered, true and fair
Are you satisfied with your care?"

In the room on the opposite end of the line,
An explosion occurred. Everything was NOT fine.
"YOU'VE UP AND BETRAYED ME!" Hibiki cried.
"OR WORSE - YOU'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN ON MY SIDE!
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ADVICE PROVIDED
BY SOMEONE WHOSE MASTER HAS PAGES INSIDE IT!
I'M FINISHED! I QUIT! AND YOUR JOB'S ON THE SHELF!
I'LL SEE YOU FIRED IF I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF!!!!!"

"AWW CRAP!" screamed the Prinny, who couldn't perceive
The fault lay with Hibiki, and it needn't grieve.
The Overlord was not the kindest master
And so it hurriedly tried to talk faster.
"But dood," it said, "dood,"
and dooded with a dood
Not knowing each dood was terribly rude
And would escalate the book and the belle's feud.
"Let's try something else!" it said in its fright.
"I'm sure we can still set this aright!"

"DOOD?!" thundered Hibiki, nearly broken -
revealing that word had best been left unspoken.
"I REQUIRE NO HELP ANYONE'S TRIED TO RENDER
IF ITS IMPLEMENTATION INVOLVES A SENTENCE ENDER!
I'M HANGING UP!" And she lifted a finger to fulfill her threat.
Honestly! That "dood" had been the worst offense yet!

"Wait!" squawked the Prinny, fearing civil tort.
"I can send you to second-tier support!"
It knew that it was doomed for sure --
But somehow its motivation remained pure.
It still desired to somehow be of aid
(no matter how ineptly, we are afraid).

A click, and a beep, foiled this noble attempt.
She'd found the ultimate way to express her contempt.
But although Hibiki sat, and Hibiki seethed,
She didn't do one very important thing: leave.
She stewed near her phone till her stewer was blue.
If it happened to ring, well, who knew what she'd do?

No call came then, but wouldn't you know
Her tablet began floating! It started to glow!
Swathed in a purple energy light
The power gathered round it, intense and severe
But before she could feel an inkling of fear
It vanished, dropping the tablet to her palms
And now she could view a fine sight that calms:
Her files are back! Oh what a thing to see!
Every last one, from Hibik-A to Hibik-Z!
(Some people would claim that's not a rhyme, that's a 'zed'.
Those people are awful and touched in the head.)

What had possibly just...Oh, that fool Overlord.
Only he would induce a display so absurd.
Her suspicions confirmed re: the source of her plight,
Hibiki rallied to vow - nah, she was feeling all right.
For there were her photos, returned good as new.
Her profiles, her selfies, her gravure, too.
With this, she could finally prep for her dates.
And just in time, too, so she wouldn't be late.
Content, Hibiki settled back onto the couch.
In all matters of narcissism, she was no slouch!
As she met her own gaze, she might be heard to say,
"Joyeuse Saint Valentin - and to all a good day."

As the curtain closed on this latest scene
The pop-up Prinny was nowhere to be seen!
Instead of its usual jesterly japes
The Overlord himself pushed through the drapes!
"Oh no!" he snarled. "This is far too absurd.
It's MY damn story! I'm getting the last word!"

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Halloween is Valentine's Night

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