thenearshore | (no subject)

[He looks so lost, standing there by the unmade bed, hands loosely fisted at his sides.

Zhao Yunlan lets his breath out on a sigh, feeling his anger drain away no matter how hard he tries to clutch for it, how hard he tries to insist. Do you want to know about me, indeed. Shen Wei is so bad at this.

He pushes himself away from the desk, takes the few steps that close the distance between them, and reaches out to put his arms around Shen Wei's waist and pull him into a hug.]

Yes, I want to know about you. Not your power. I couldn't care less about your power.

[There are so many things he can't know about himself, on penalty of death. So many little things that make up an identity, that build a place in the world, that have been wiped away to force him to fit this place, these Heavens, this country that isn't his own. He knows Shen Wei must be able to feel the nervous tension in his body, even as he tries to relax; must be able to sense the underlying misery and desperation.

It's not fair that he can't be as sure of Shen Wei's feelings in return.

There are so many things he could ask Shen Wei that, he suspects, will force Shen Wei to lie. He wants something true. Slowly, halting, he continues.]

Tell me... about where you grew up. What was it like?

Some of my history is woven in with my power.

{ He wouldn't be the same without it. Shen Wei knew it made him special, made him different, and a lot of his inability to connect was tied with his ability to learn. Without it he wouldn't have lived so long, wouldn't have met Zhao Yunlan when he was Kunlun, wouldn't have become a hero. He wasn't even certain how the war would have gone if he hadn't been there to help.

Shen Wei stiffened for a moment as Yunlan came close only to relax as he wrapped his arms around him. Gently, as if he expects Yunlan to lash out again, he rested his hands on Yunlan's and took a deep breath. ]

It doesn't exist anymore. Liaoning has changed so much from when I was young. [ Closing his eyes, he tried to remember long before the meteors and the war. ] There are parts of it, here and there, but the meteors destroyed a lot.... My mother was a blacksmith and she made weapons imbued with luck and strength while my father was a hunter and storyteller. I had a twin brother and we would get into all kinds of trouble together before the meteors drove us to the surface.

[There's so much past tense. His mother, his father, his twin, his world that doesn't exist anymore -- Yunlan's not the only one here who's lost, he finds himself thinking, and the hesitant way Shen Wei settles his hands on him just reinforces it. Damn it, he'd kind of wanted to feel righteously wronged for a while, and here he is feeling protective instead.

And like an ass for taking out his own shit on Shen Wei, too. He'd seen that flinch, just now.]

... You miss them.

[It's not really a question: he can't imagine not.]

I'm sorry, Shen Wei. I didn't want to bring up something painful. It's --

I wish I could know where I came from. [Painful admission for a painful admission: it's fair, more or less.] I can't, but the more I know about you, the more I can feel like I know what I'm doing here.

Besides.

[He lets go, leaning back enough to meet Shen Wei's gaze with a wry quirk of his lips.]

I want to know everything about you. I've fallen for you, too.

[ He remembered what he could but he had been so young and it was so long ago. The book scrolling endlessly in the one library told some of the tale as well, but he barely remembered the language from before they first came to the surface. He had been just learning to read, but he and Ye Zun had often slipped out of studying to play with weapons or listen to tales. He only remembered as much as he does because of the alliance and his role in the war. ]

I barely remember my parents; we were eight when the meteors hit and in the chaos they tried to help others get out. And then there was just Ye Zun and I on the surface of an alien world.

[ It doesn't make it any less painful, but it makes the pain distant, like a phantom that sometimes would come to mind and he spent hours trying to remember. His mother's laughter as she straightened his grip on one of her forged weapons. His father's voice as he started a long-winded story about running into a dragon in the woods. His brother was far more immediate even if a lot of those memories were of his madness and pain. ]

They said there are ways for a shinki to know, but that can be dangerous. So if knowing more about me will help you, I can tell you about my life.

[ Zhao Yunlan sounded as if his anger was leaving him, and Shen Wei smiled slightly, relaxing more that the anger was burning itself out. He had to remember to be careful how he talked about certain things, but he could at least talk about the war and Kunlun. ]

You know, very few people ever ask me about myself.

I've heard we sometimes remember on our own. But--

[He looks up, expression deathly serious for once.] Finding things out any other way kills us. Thinking about it, even a little, makes me feel like someone has a knife at my throat.

I don't know where the line is, and I'm not risking it just for curiosity's sake.

[That said, he lets the brief tension go, summoning up a little smile for Shen Wei.]

But even if I remembered I'd want to know more about you.

Then... if I say something that feels wrong, tell me. Okay?

[ He knew that he had skimmed by what he knew of Yunlan from before, but he couldn't have gotten too close, right? He wasn't sure how it worked even when he felt something tighten in the back of his mind. ]

Really? [ His smile back was a little hesitant but still warm. ] Then ask me what you want to know. Or should I continue?

You've said a lot that...

[He inhales, cutting off his own train of thought before it can go too far, and reaches out to clap a hand on the other man's shoulder.]

Anyway, you know what to be careful of. I don't. I've got to leave it up to you.

[His hand lingers where it is, and Yunlan closes his eyes for a moment. He's skating dangerously close to the edge himself, he knows, and it's not like he knows anything anyway. He's got some suspicions, that's all. It's probably all bullshit--

-- and even if it's not, he has to believe it's bullshit, because believing his own instincts puts him out over that edge, and from there it's free fall to Monsterville.]

I trust you, Shen Wei.

[He does, and that's the worst of it. There's only so many ways the pieces of this puzzle can go together to salvage that trust. Asking about the past, asking about anything after Shen Wei and his twin - Ye Zun? - had survived a meteor strike and been left stranded on the planet's scarred surface, suddenly feels like tossing rocks around in a minefield. Safer questions, that's what he needs.]

So. ... What's your favorite thing to do on a day off?

I know I have; it's a bad habit I need to stop.

[ He reaches up to lay his hand on top of Yunlan's, his fingers trembling a little despite the calmness in his voice. He knew how close he got to the truth behind Yunlan's past, that they were entangled more so than what Yunlan knew about here. He needed to pull back his words and treat Yunlan like a stranger, but it was hard.

Shen Wei had spent centuries waiting for Zhao Yunlan. That time before their deaths only made his longing so much worse. ]

I only hope to never betray that trust.

[ Trite words he knew, but he gave Yunlan's hand a squeeze, his eyes feeling hot from unshed tears. Didn't they make this promise before? ]

My favorite thing..? I like cooking, or listening to musicals, or researching new trends in science, but my favorite thing would be to lounge in a cozy chair, reading a good book while drinking my favorite tea.

Lying to me, saying too much... you've got a lot of bad habits. [His hand's shaking; it's subtle enough that Yunlan can't see it, but he can feel it, as Shen Wei's hand comes to rest on top of his own.

Shen Wei understands. He knows what's at risk. It's clear, but Yunlan continues, anyway, making his tone deliberately light.]

I hope you don't either. Turning into a monster doesn't sound like a good time.

[That said. Comfortable chairs and books? He breaks into a grin.]

-- Books and tea sound much better. I didn't know you liked musicals.

They may be a little connected, unfortunately.

[ Because the lies are connected to saying to much and he really needed to stop that. So instead Shen Wei took a deep breath and curls his fingers around Zhao Yunlan's, and decided to just talk about the little things. His favorite books and musicals. Those should be easy enough since they weren't such a huge part of the life they had together. Yunlan may have heard him hum a tune or two, but never really anything else. ]

I have a habit of singing along to some of the songs. I really enjoy pulp fiction even though they tend to be overly dramatic.

[In other words: he wants to talk too much and then he lies, badly, in an attempt to cover it up. This relationship really might kill him, Yunlan reflects, and turns his hand to squeeze Shen Wei's.

He's going to have to think about that. But he doesn't think he's got the heart to dump a man this perfect just because he's not as good at lying as he'd have to be to put one over on Zhao Yunlan. Even if that means he's going to end up dead. Maybe he'll be lucky and remember first, anyway.]

Mm, does that mean I can take you out to karaoke one of these days?

[He shoots Shen Wei a smile that's genuine, if rueful, and flops back on his bed in a graceless sprawl. A tug on the hand he's still captured urges the other man to join him. It's a comfortable bed. It's fine.]

[ He really hopes that he would remember something about his past. Even if it would be confusing to him, it would at least be a little easier on Yunlan than nothing.

Threading his fingers through Yunlan's, Shen Wei's eyebrows raising at his words. He thought he had a nice voice, but he never really tried to sing outside of at home. He wasn't even sure if he would know the words to any songs that were on the charts. ]

I suppose?

[ At the tug, he blinked and went along with him, nose only slightly wrinkling at the state of the bed even as he found himself on his knees right above Yunlan. ]

I normally don't go to such places outside of work gatherings.

You went to work karaoke parties?

[There's an amazing mental image that he'll treasure. He hadn't actually meant to pull Shen Wei down on top of him -- next to him was the plan, because his bed's the only place for two people to sit next to each other in this room -- but he isn't complaining.

The thrill of lust sparking in his belly is inevitable. Alien pheromones, or maybe just Shen Wei: Yunlan's learning to expect it. Mostly, he relishes it. Right now, he's going to ignore it to take a few seconds to be a complete teenage girl, and reach up, and card his free hand through Shen Wei's perfect hair and down to cup his cheek. His smile is a little lopsided.

This terrifies him. This could, literally, kill him, if it turns out his half-baked guesses hit too close to the truth to be safe. And yet...

... here he still is, because when he's not furious or panicked, he keeps finding himself simply, absurdly happy.]

Shen Wei, I think I love you.

It was considered proper to at least attend with my peers at such functions. I usually ended up making sure they all got home in one piece.

[ He also made sure that they paid for their meals. He understood that as the youngest member it should be him paying for the drunk seniors, but there was a limit to his kindness. At least he also was sure to hand over all receipts and keep copies so no one could complain about him stealing funds. Not that anyone has done so, but he never would take that chance.

Oh, that was nice. Shen Wei's expression relaxed, a small smile flickering on his lips as his eyes closed. He leans against his hand - warmth radiating from that simple touch, from the hand holding his - and Shen Wei would have been a gonner if he wasn't already one. Now he just needed to tread far more carefully than he had been in order to hold onto this little piece of happiness.

He opened his eyes and smiled, so full of happiness at hearing those words. ]

I'm yours, Zhao Yunlan.

You're such a nerd. [Yunlan says it with the deepest affection, stealing a quick kiss before he applies a gentle shove to Shen Wei's chest to move him out of the way and sit back up. Shen Wei is a nerd, fussily proper when he's uncomfortable and more prone to wandering off on intellectual tangents than anyone else Yunlan's met, and that's part of what makes him so cute.]

Okay, come on, I want to try that dinner you brought before it gets cold.

[He's done with the difficult conversations. Their evening can get better from here.

And it does -- about as planned -- until some soft noise disturbs his sleep sometime in the small hours of the morning. With a questioning grunt, he pulls his face out of his pillow and reaches out to discover he's alone in his bed.]

Shen Wei?

[He shoves himself up onto an elbow, squinting. The moonlight through his window is enough to pick up a figure moving around the room...]

... Are you cleaning?

[ He relaxes as they moved away from the difficult conversations into something more domesticated, from talks over his cooking to heavier flirting that leads all the way up to sex. Shen Wei manages to actually sleep a little after that, something that was not as necessary for him as it was for most humans. He stayed in bed a little longer after waking up just to enjoy the warmth of Yunlan cuddled against him, but after a while he had to move.

Which resulted in Shen Wei cleaning up the disaster that is Yunlan's living area. It was practically automatic - a little bit of power to send the laundry to get washed, a little bit more to whisk away all the debris, some elbow grease to handle the dust and spills. He tried to keep quiet as he worked, and didn't bother with any light besides a small orb of power floating around him. And while the place was a mess, Shen Wei was nearly done with putting away the fresh clothing when he came across a very familiar pendant among the debris of Yunlan's desk.

The noise he made when he found it as he picked it up must have woken Yunlan up. Turning, his face cast in relief from the small bobbing werelight, he blinked at him. ]

Ah... yes? I don't need to sleep much and I thought it would be a surprise?

What time is it? [He doesn't bother hiding his jaw-cracking yawn as he sits the rest of the way up, blankets puddling around his waist. Shen Wei's face is easier to see as he turns; he's got a little fairy light hovering beside him, casting leaping upwards shadows on his face. They make him look like a kid with a flashlight under his chin, ready to tell ghost stories.

Yunlan lets out a tired chuckle, and waves at the unoccupied other half of his bed.]

Whatever. You don't have to clean up after me before the sun's even up. Come back to bed.

[There's something in his hands, but it's too dark for Yunlan to quite see what it is. He squints, curious.]

A little after three? I think.

[ He didn't need to, but Shen Wei liked to do so. It was just one of those little habits that Yunlan had gotten use to before, just like Shen Wei growing use to the gradual messes that Yunlan would create. They had reached an understanding before the end there, one in which both of them made concessions for the other.

Shen Wei waved the little werelight up and to the side and made his way back over to the bed, bare feet soundless on the floor. He settled on the edge of the bed and reached over to smooth some of Yunlan's hair, his expression fond. During his cleaning spree, Shen Wei had pulled on some of Yunlan's clothing and didn't bother with his glasses, looking young and soft and also a lot domestic. He also still held the pendant, a fact he noticed after he moved to lay back. ]

Oh. This is an unique piece; where did you get it?

[He looks much younger this way, wandering around barefoot in Yunlan's shirt even though it's a little tight over his shoulders, with his hair short and in disarray. Expression softening with affection, Yunlan teasingly reaches up to tuck a strand of Shen Wei's hair back into place as he settles onto the bed.]

Unique?

[Oh: it's that thing. His gaze goes distant as he recognizes the simple golden pendant.]

I had it in my hand when I came here.

[And, glancing up at Shen Wei:] I tried wearing it for a while, but... I don't know. It felt weird, wearing something when I didn't know where I got it.

[Not really. And it doesn't seem like his style, either; it's simple and a little old-fashioned, like a keepsake someone's grandfather might have. If Zhao Yunlan were picking jewelry for himself, it'd have been more punk and less heirloom.

In other words, it probably is an heirloom, or something that someone else had given him, something important.]

You did?

[ He kept his voice steady, tried not to even think but he stroked the smooth amber almost subconsciously. He wore it for years, and as always it felt warm in his hand, reminding him of that fragile love he held. ]

I suppose it might have been a keepsake?

[ Which he knew it was even if he couldn't say. Xhao Yunlan was breaking his heart yet again, having gone to his death holding a piece of him like that, enough to bring it here and not remember exactly what it was. He had joked about his necklace one time; Shen Wei rarely removed it and one night, Yunlan had played with it, telling him that he didn't expect Shen Wei to be into jewelry.

Frowning down at the pendant, he sighed slightly. ]

It does seem a little simpler than your usual style.

It must've been. [Shen Wei sounds calm, but he's clinging to the little pendant, his thumb stroking the bead in what looks like a habitual gesture.

Yunlan's been considering getting him a necklace. He's got that other habit, of reaching for his neck as though looking for something he'd used to wear, and doesn't anymore.

The pieces are all there. Resolutely, Zhao Yunlan refuses to put them together, and instead reaches out to fold his hand around Shen Wei's and the little golden bead.]

It's not really my style.

[And, with only the slightest hesitation before he glances up to meet the other man's eyes, he offers:] Want it? It'd look good on you.

[ He nods, not daring to say more because he can feel the memories building up in the back of his throat and he wasn't going to slip, not after their conversation earlier. His thumb stills as Yunlan covered his hand with his, raising his head to look at him.

Shen Wei won't say it, but he does look down at their hands and the tiny impossible orb hidden there. ]

No, it really isn't. I barely can picture you even wearing a tie.

[ Which has had worn in the past and looked as awkward as Shen Wei had felt. He didn't wear it for very long in any case since he had more important things to do, like lean against Shen Wei as he cooked. ]

Are you sure you are willing to part with it?

Yeah, I'm sure. [Yunlan tightens his fingers around Shen Wei's. He's still looking down at their hands, not meeting that gaze, yet.]

It probably is an heirloom. But right now, to me... all it represents is that I can't remember.

[It's something important enough to him that he'd died clinging to it, and now it's just a mystery. That hurts, when he lets himself think about it; even when he doesn't let himself dwell, it's still there, reminding him every time he spots it on his desk or dresser. It itches at him like a splinter.

But he can't throw it away. It's his. It's one of the few things he has that connect him to his lost life, and maybe the only thing that he can safely think about, because it's just a bit of jewelry. It's not answering any questions.

And whether there's a connection or not, whether this is right or not, if he gives it to Shen Wei...

... then he'll know what it means, without waiting to remember. It'll have a meaning in this life, and not just from his last one. It'll be more than a mystery.]

I want you to have it.

[ He continues to look down at their hands, eyebrows furrowed in thought. He had made the necklace years ago, forming the stone around a wrapper from one of Yunlan's lollipops as a reminder of him. It wasn't given to him, not really, just something he had picked up and stuffed into his robes until he remembered it was there after his time unconscious.

A piece of a memory, preserved in amber like a tiny fly from a long forgotten past. Unasked for, ungiven, but still there and in his heart.

And now Yunlan was going to freely give it to him.

Shen Wei licked his lips and looked up, trying to not show how shaken he felt. A gift, no matter where it came from, was still something big. ]

Okay.

[Yunlan looks up in turn, meeting his eyes. His expression is dark and serious, at first, until he relaxes into a lopsided grin.]

Good. I'd have my feelings hurt if you turned it down!

[He gives Shen Wei's hand one final squeeze, and lets go, abandoning the necklace to him. For all his claims of certainty, it still feels like a leap of faith.

Well, hopefully he isn't going to remember anything that makes him take this back. Going with his gut has led him right so far, and overthinking's useless anyway when he only has guesses to base his thoughts on.]