thenearshore | To Remain Behind

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To Remain Behind

Who: Judar, Cu Chulainn, Chikusa, Ken, Chinatsu (maybe some more???)

When: March 15th

Where: The Central District

What: Everyone else in Xihe's temple disappeared, leaving just Judar and his things on an empty lot. Things result. Seems pretty extra? Think of the people who were in that temple. Seems about right with that, don't it?

Not long before the announcement went on the network, with Aymeric announcing the disappearance of Izumo, Judar woke up to a cold and rude awakening. Cold, for there was no longer the influence of the temple's nature, but he was also outside. Just as all his things were around him, on the ground. Clothes, papers, electronics and the 'caffeine' machine, as Judar had dubbed it.

No building, no people, no horses taking up space- leaving him alone.

For a good few minutes, there was the shock of everything being the way it was. The next few were filled with laughter at how ridiculous it all was, given the thoughts and kinds of conversations he's had. And instead of going through all the steps of grief and loss, Judar focused on one step as the splotches of darkness started covering his back and neck.

Anger.

Spirals of lightning to the sky, looking like violent purple dragons as tall walls of ice took over the empty and abandoned property to leave the teenager to further fits of fury hidden behind the magic-made barriers.

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It's not something so simple as guilt!

[ Of course Chinatsu wouldn't get it, but he didn't really know whether or not the other guy, the simpler one, could understand. How's he supposed to say anything with so much pain going through him? That's the real torture in all of this, isn't it?

He's supposed to prostrate and beg for everything around people he barely knew, for some god that decided to get involved with something he wasn't invited to do? Bullshit! Yet in just thinking like that makes it feel like a hot poker was stabbing through and trying to pull down and cut through him, on top of everything else. ]

I didn't ask for any of this shit! Not people leaving, or inviting idiots to name me, and not some memory! Who's joke was it to show someone a stupid war as a memory, huh?

[ "Tell us if it's too much?" What are they thinking- that he will, just... give up at one moment? That it will be too much to bear and he will say "enough". The ritual cut-off and leave Judar left off to die?

He killed his best friend, he killed his son- his beloved mentor put him through training from hell so one day, one day, he'd be strong enough to kill her and he failed that. He raged on the battlefields and refused to stand down, to fall down, even as his body has been chipped away-- Why would he care about the pain? It's a fact of life, why escape something you can't? ]

Sure you didn't. No one ever does. [ People might ask for happiness, peace, glory, and success, but no one actively wishes for the pain and horrors to be inflicted on them ] Rage all you want, I acknowledge your anger! Get it all out.

[ He probably shouldn't be egging Judar's on- but he's not really that much for begging for forgiveness either (what is there to forgive anyway, wouldn't understanding be more important?). But those emotions had to be got out of the system right? That's what the core what this ritual is about, he thinks. That's purifying of the soul too, he thinks.

Caster strengthens his grip on the staff. It's not an oak tree but it has to suffice. Dig the roots deep, he won't fall again. He's silently grateful for Archer to help him get back on his feet - he'd rather really face it like that if he could choose. The fact that Archer is doing his best to not be a distraction on top of that is also something he notices. Idiot, idiot, stupid stupid, they all are fools here. But let that foolishness be worth something ]

What have you seen?

[ Is that the memory that is causing this? Memories can be dangerous for a shinki, but he talked about those his people regained. They talked it out, and nothing happened. Maybe Judar never got that chance? And that's what ate him away ]

[Ken gives Chikusa a confused, uncertain look.] Yeah, but...you're blighted as shit, byon. Blight only comes from guilt and ayakashi... [Or, you know, certain experimental poisons of Chikusa's but who's counting.]

If you didn't feel like something was your fault, you wouldn't need an ablution, right...? [Another questioning glance at Chikusa indicates that Ken's not entirely certain this is true, and is seeking confirmation, but that's at least the extent of what he knows about it.]

If there's other stuff you need to talk about, then talk about it, but it's only the guilty stuff that's blighting you...is the guilt 'cause your god's gone?

Tch-!

[ He didn't want to talk about this stuff! Yet with the way this spell felt like it was tearing him apart, it gnawed at the soul in a vicious yet poor way of lancing a wound. Poor only because he was being stubborn, and maybe, just maybe, he felt like this is exactly what he should be feeling. So what better than to lash out and maybe even implant doubt in the others?

Why couldn't ablutions ever be easy for once? ]

Because it all fits into a neat little box labelled guilt. As if that's the only thing that stings the gods! Isn't it really the stinging that continues to develop into blight? The stuff that really eats at you and brings about an obsession? Guilt's just the easy thing to be consumed by, now isn't it?

[ You're feeling the violent anger right now, aren't you Caster? One that was innate and inescapable, raging from the very essence of what made Judar so dark in his energy. ]

So why should I feel guilty because that idiot god didn't try to stop the stinging for months? Instead he leaves with me holding the fucking bag.

[For his questions, Ken gets a simple nod in response to the points he's tentatively bringing up. Whatever nonsense Judar is spouting, this is how it is for shinki: Blight comes from guilt and ayakashi, and out of control guilt, that feeling of responsibility for whatever reason... That leads to ablutions.]

[Still, apparently Judar is still trying to make excuses for himself. Chikusa wouldn't expect anything less from such a huge pain in the ass. His voice is quiet, but pointed.]

Would you have even let him...?

Ask why all you want, doesn't change the fact that you feel bad about something.

[ If that memory he was talking about was the same as that dream, then he sure as hell can't say that there isn't anything he felt guilty about.

She gets that admitting something like that is...She sure as hell would hate it. But yelling at him to do it wasn't going to get anything out of him. ]

Hey, you better decide now. If you want to get better, I'll stay for however long it takes. But I'm not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't want to help himself.

[ If he'd rather turn into an ayakashi and die, that's his choice. But she certainly expected more from him. ]

He didn't even try! How would I fucking know?

[ It's easy to say that he would've let Izumo try, but that's because all of this had happened. But it's just as easy to hear and lash out at, because, whether he realized it or not, that was putting responsibility back on him.

If he wanted to get better, though? Judar twisted around enough to glare at Chinatsu, but she would be able to see a hint of what was in that dream. The way the kid was breaking down, that was still there, in some way or form. And with those memories, wasn't it easy to think that he shouldn't be helped? ]

Go, then. Don't waste your time on someone like me. I'll probably turn on you and get the entire place destroyed on some order, anyway.

[ Is that any confirmation on where some of the guilt came from? Because saying that much lanced at the wound, but the sting wasn't taken out, to release all the pus. It was just further guilt and pain. ]

I'm sure that'd be easier for you... but that's too much work for me.

[Ablutions are time-consuming, difficult, and draining... but hunting down a ravenous ayakashi, often a powerful one if it's created directly from a shinki, is even moreso for all of those. So Chikusa doesn't move, instead tilting his head.]

[There's something else to his words that's bugging Chikusa... but he's not the best at people to pick up what it is.]

[Hopefully Ken can, the only one out of this whole trio with apparently any emotional skills.]

[Oh, this is bringing back bad memories in a flood. Ayumu...she hadn't wanted them to help her when they'd done her ablution, either. She'd refused their help, refused to confess...and then it had all gone so horribly wrong from there. And she'd blamed them...not for the outcome, but for even trying to help her in the first place. She'd acted like letting her die would have been more merciful than trying to keep her alive...or, if not more merciful, then at least more in line with her wishes, which had been to self-destruct in a manner of her own choosing rather than be saved.

She'd been...selfish. She hadn't cared about the consequences to anyone around her, wrapped up in her own pain and lashing out even at the people who wanted to help relieve her of it, with all the common sense of an injured animal who can't comprehend that its problems can be fixed or that there are people around who will help fix them. Except, unlike an animal, Ayumu was capable of comprehending...she'd just refused to listen.

Ken doesn't know enough about Judar to gauge what he'll do, or how much like Ayumu he might be. But he doesn't strike Ken as particularly understanding or selfless, and that's terrifying. The price of Ayumu's ablution failing had been high.]

Shut up! [Ken, that's not actually what you want during an ablution...] Stop being a dumbass! If we stop the ablution, you'll turn into an ayakashi and go on a rampage and probably hurt us and then you'll die anyway! The only way that won't happen is if you cooperate! You don't need an ablution until the blight's gotten bad enough that it's the only thing left!

And you're lying anyway, aren't you?! If you didn't feel bad about stinging your god you wouldn't be so blighted! You wanted them to stop you but you know you could've stopped yourself, too, and that's why you feel responsible! [Ken huffs a breath through his nose.] But it doesn't fucking matter, 'cause...it doesn't matter if you were stinging 'em or not. It doesn't matter if you were a good shinki or not. That's not why gods disappear. If your god didn't care about you stinging 'em, then they didn't care, which was kinda stupid, but...it's not why they're gone. Nothing you did is why they're gone. And if your god could forgive you stinging 'em all the time...then they must've liked you a lot. So they wouldn't want you to just fall into blight and die. And if you feel bad about anything you did or didn't do while your god was here, then...you can try to make it up to 'em by being faithful to what they'd want now that they're gone. So if they'd want you to live, then that's something you can do for them. Maybe it's the only thing left you can do for 'em, but it's better than nothing. And if they ever come back...you'll be here, waiting for 'em, and you can be proud of what you did while they were gone.

[A number of these thoughts are things Ken had hammered into him - or came to realize - over the course of his own ablution, but a lot of it is just the raw emotional intelligence and heart-on-sleeve eloquence that Ken alone, out of the entire Kokuyo gang, possesses. He's always been lacking in brains, but never in heart.]

Edited 2019-02-20 05:20 (UTC)

[ Bless you, Ken, you and your heart. The disappeared god seemed to be the key or at least one of the keys (maybe most important one, maybe not- what was about that war memory) to this riddle that is Judar. Caster can't tell if Ken's words worked on Judar (he sure hopes they did), but what they accomplished for him was to separate the anger he felt from- well, himself. Among the stings, the blight it has become hard to tell if the rage singing was his own, Judar's or their both combined ]

If you really wished to die you could have just kill yourself or take my offer. But you wanted to live.

[ Caster's talking uncharacteristically calm. He seeks Archer on the bond, he barely finds him- calm and hiding his feelings, but ironically that silence is grounding right now. ]

So live Judar, and see another day.

[ The cooperation is required obviously, but everyone is here to help ]

Being left behind is painful. But Ken is right about everything here. Do you really think someone who didn't care about you would keep you around? [ Humans, god, whatever the guy was, aren't usually that stupid. Usually, aberrations happen everywhere. Guess they're kind of counting that Judar's god wasn't one of them ]

Or is this about the memory? [ The war memory. Was there a brief exchange of glances between Judar and Chinatsu? Could she know something? Or maybe he's imagining things under the blight and chaos ]

[ Chinatsu’s eyes lock onto Judar’s when he does look at her, though she doesn’t return the glare. They stay on him, even if he were to break contact to look at the others. Her gaze isn’t exactly gentle, but it is softer than before. For a second he was thaf child again, taking on way more than he should.

Not guilty her ass.

She waits till the others have said their piece, then takes a step closer. ]

Izumo-san might not be here to try, but we are. We’re trying. [ And they haven’t given up yet either. ]

Punishing yourself isn’t the only way. If you feel so bad about that, then make up for it instead. [ Telling him it wasn’t his fault didn’t seem to work much in the dream. She still doesn’t think he’s to blame, but he still does. ] You’re not the same kid anymore. It won’t be the same as then. You don’t have to take everything on alone. It’s not all on you.

Then fight among yourselves on which is a bigger 'waste of time.'

[ Basically, Chinatsu said the wrong phrase at the time. It was less of a case of 'I'd rather die' and more that he wasn't going to put up with people who weren't really here because they wanted, or were dedicated enough for it. Why would he fight for some people to torture him, with how much this stupid ritual was tearing him apart from the inside. Did they realize how much it hurt, like every fiber of him was being torn apart and set into a fire that could last for eternity.

Ah, but Ken... That was definitely part of it, and it hurt in a significant way, but it didn't haunt and consume him the way the other thing did. It hurt though, and while it seemed like he was getting overwhelmed enough into tears, they didn't go far enough past the welling in the eyes. ]

It's bullshit, how all three of them left overnight. They kept making it clear I was an outsider and wished... Not like that.

[ Oh, the memory. The memory, and all those people, and the way those words really hurt him. Why did Red know about how he was a kid in all of that? How? She didn't have any special powers or anything!

But it's really hurting so much. This spell, his everything, and it caused an extra pounding in his head that made it hard to connect with the other voices, or get past the constant screams. ]

It is. I'm the one that betrayed those people and killed all those people... It was a slaughter, and some of them seemed to really trust me. If I did that as a kid, now... I'm supposed to hold onto that and have some idiot god constantly feeling it, too?

[So far Archer has kept quiet, being an outsider. Yet what Judar keeps saying sounds all too familiar. Perhaps he can help, even a bit. Physical sensations he can ignore, for example the sting of blight crawling up his arms, but not the thoughts.

He can understand both the weight of memory Judar's talking about and the sudden loss of god and others - other shinki, or friends - and the distance they created.]

You have the same right to belong as they did, and as others do. No one here wants you to disappear. [even if Chikusa has, most likely, a petty reason.]

[But there's more to it than just a loss, and not something as easily remedied if it's been haunting Judar for so long. His god has been irresponsible one.]

The responsibility for what happened lies not only on you. It seems there are others just as guilty as you consider yourself to be. You can honor the memory of those people by living and going forward.

You're not a waste of time, 'cause Kakipi's here. [This seems like inexplicable logic, but to Ken it's the most unshakable statement in the world.] Kakipi doesn't even like getting up in the mornings, so he wouldn't even bother to be here unless helping you was important. And if you let us help you, then our time definitely won't be wasted 'cause we'll have been able to do what we all came here to do. So...you're the one who gets to decide if our help's worth anything, byon. Nobody'd be here if they didn't want to help you and be useful...

[The other stuff...Ken doesn't have a single hot clue what Judar is talking about. He doesn't know the guy that well, and whatever he's talking about is clearly something he's missed. Ken doesn't like thinking hard, but he actually strains his brain on this one...and he comes to the conclusion that it sounds like Judar is talking about some memory he has. So...he must've remembered something from his old life. But it doesn't sound like he remembers why he did it.]

If you were just a kid and you killed a bunch of people...maybe they'd been hurting you, byon. [Ken scratches his cheek.] Or maybe some adult forced you to do it. [Ken is familiar with both of these scenarios, although admittedly the Estraneo never got as far as finishing their experiments on him and Chikusa to start using them as weapons.] Adults do shitty stuff to kids all the time. Kakipi and I killed lots of people when we were little, too. [Not nearly as many as Mukuro, but a lot more than the zero people most normal children end up murdering.] But who cares what you did back then, or why you did it? It doesn't have anything to do with you now...if you don't like whatever you did then, then you can just be a different person, can't you?

Edited 2019-02-24 17:57 (UTC)

[Well, there's no arguing with dog logic, even if Chikusa is here more for Ken than Judar. Chikusa at least has enough sense to not say that, instead listening to the words of everyone else as if that will help him figure things out better.]

[Ken, unsurprisingly, is the trail of thought he understands the best, and Chikusa lets out a slow exhale.]

You dying... really doesn't solve your problem anyway, if you care about it that much. [Chikusa shifts, putting more of his weight on one leg.] It won't bring them back. It won't stop more people from dying.

Dying as an ayakashi... just makes things easier for you to not deal with your own problems.

For someone who claims he's such a great magician... Shouldn't you realize that much common sense?

[...This is probably why Chikusa shouldn't talk during ablutions.]

[ Every time the word 'waste' is used, those red eyes shoot over at Chinatsu, as if throwing in her face that this subject was her fault. She threatened to stop, for the chance of it being such. He didn't care what they decided- he'd deserve it. ]

The bean pole's here because this fucking hurts to be caught in; he couldn't resist this.

[ It's spat out towards Ken, though he was glaring towards the stupid hat-wearing 'bean pole.' They knew how they stood between one another; there were a few truces, but their intentions towards one another were always honest. Be a different person, though. Isn't that impossible? With everything pushing him towards this destructive path. It's why he's so affectionately, with a flat look, giving Chikusa the finger for that whole 'common sense' comment. ]

It'd be quite the way to go out though, now wouldn't it?

[ It's funny, how with all of this and the constant and near-blinding pain was so draining as well. It was almost calming in some weird ways, but he still couldn't get some of the imagery out of his head. ]

... It's not like I'm really planning to die. This purification ritual sucks- saying what's wrong doesn't stop the guilt or everything that's stuck in my head. Pretending to move forward, or being a different person, doesn't change what's there to haunt you. How much did those people you kill matter? It doesn't sound like it's left that much of an impression, or it seemed justified enough. Hard to do with a country and people who seemed to trust you.

[ Look all you want, she's not taking it back. Sorry, Judar, but she can't risk sympathizing with you right now. Despite everything, of course she wanted this to succeed.

His responses were only annoying her even more, at least until he admitted he had no plans of dying. ]

No one said it's going to make you let go of everything, but if you want this to work all you have to do is admit whatever the hell is making you feel like you did something bad. You can deal with whatever's stuck in your head in whatever way after we get rid of the blight.

[ He obviously already felt sorry about what happened, all he had to do was to say the damn thing. ]

[ Memories. Memories without context and without explanation- not that Caster knows much more through brief flashes of memories, that show up during naming.

Breathe in, breathe out. Let the pain and feelings that are not his own pass-by... With Judar connected to him, he gets a taste what shinki has to get through. It's cruel, but he's not going to question if the ritual was a mistake- especially not when Judar proves his resolve.

But apparently, nothing that has been said counts as a confession, otherwise the ritual would succeed. There was something else. It's not just about the blighting of his god (the blight had to be caused by something), it's not just the dream that gave him a scary insight what he is capable of (feeling like this can lead to blight, but that strong? He told them about it and the ritual is nowhere ]

Do you resent them? For leaving you all alone, for never being there to ease the burden of that memory.

[ Maybe it's a shot in the dark, but he could see these kinds of feelings spiraling into something dark. ]

They were our family. [Ken says this simply.] But all they cared about was making us into weapons anyway, so it's not like we liked 'em.

I dunno if the people you killed deserved it or not, but Kakipi's right; turning into an ayakashi isn't gonna bring 'em back. You might just end up hurting more people. But if not knowing why you did it bugs you, then maybe if you stay here long enough, you'll find out. And then you can decide how you feel about it once it makes more sense, right? So if that's what you're guilty about, you can just...wait until you know more to get upset about it, 'cause only part of a memory's not worth punishing yourself for. [Ken frowns.] And if you don't like that you did something like that, then you can do better things now. But you can't make bad stuff unhappen, even if you die or forget. When Ayumu wanted us to let her die and turned into an ayakashi...things weren't better for her when she came back. She just had the old problems plus a bunch of new ones.

[Ken glances around at the others participating in the ablution.] But yeah, ablution doesn't make everything better just 'cause it keeps you alive, either. You'll still be upset about stuff, even if you get rid of the guilt. But if you don't die...you can get help with the other stuff, too. 'Cause the only reason you're even having an ablution is 'cause there's already people who wanna help you, so it's not like you're gonna be alone.

If I really wanted satisfaction, I'd just kill you. Drawn out things like this are troublesome.

[Is that reassuring? Even if it isn't, well, Chikusa's said it anyway. The words everyone else is saying are better suited to this kind of situation anyway... All he can offer is his own plain truth. Ken's already covered what the Estraneo meant to them, and Chikusa isn't inclined to say much more on that.]

[Instead- ]

How do you think guilt gets stopped, anyway...?

[ Through all the words, and everything else that was being said, there was a harsh glare sent towards Caster, which stayed on the Heroic Spirit. Equally harsh was the mix of feelings that lanced right through that connection they had.

Of course the guilt of what he'd done in that memory wasn't all that had been causing this blight. If it were, the confession he had should've been enough, right? At this point it was the others beating onto the point that there wasn't any reason to beat himself up about that guilt, or harbor onto all the feelings from then.

Not going to be alone- wasn't he, and wasn't that why things led to this kind of fucked situation? ]

Confessing obviously doesn't stop it. Why is that the key in this stupid ritual? It's not my fault, so why do I have to confess?

[ His eyes never left, glaring daggers at Caster as if he were the one that had done it all. In truth, it was that he picked out the last of everything; the thing that still hadn't been confessed to. That he'd been so far down his spiral before they left, that he had no way of breaking out of it after realizing it was too late. ]

They're the ones that did it all, and left me with nothing to do for it. I shouldn't be the guilty one.

[ She notices how his glare gets directed elsewhere. It was something he said then. ]

So how come you don't sound all that convinced?

[ Sure, maybe he did blame them, but was that really it? Did he only blame them? ]

You're not feeling guilty 'cause they screwed up, though, right? You're guilty 'cause you're mad at them, but you feel like you shouldn't be mad at them 'cause they're gone. [Caster's comment has given Ken some insight at what's still wrong here, and now he's watching Judar closely.] But if you were hurting and they didn't do anything to make you feel better...of course you'd be mad at them. And just 'cause they vanished doesn't make it better for you, so you don't have to forgive 'em. You can be sad they're gone and pissed off 'cause they didn't help you at the same time, that's not bad.

If they show up again, you can yell at 'em for not helping you more.

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To Remain Behind

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oops wrong account

I thought others would reply and left this too long waiting