Alexander "I know how to people" the Great (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
towards_okeanos) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thenearshore2019-01-16 09:47 pm
towards_okeanos) wrote in thenearshore2019-01-16 09:47 pm
[closed]
Who: Rider (Iskandar), Waver Velvet
When: somewhere between March 10 and March 21
Where: Iskandar's Temple
What: Somebody is not getting enough sleep.
[In theory they all don't need to sleep now.
However, Iskandar would argue. The simple fact that he can get away without sleeping doesn't mean that he should or would like to. He or anybody else for that matter. So when he starts waking in the middle of the night at first he doesn't know why.
Oh, he had his share of sleepless nights in the past and yes, recent events were quite stressful. Still, if it were his usual round of nightmares he would at least remember something. Not wake up with a faint feeling of terror and then stare at the ceiling until morning because he's getting this suffocating sense of dread whenever he closes his eyes.
It doesn't take a lot to see the connection between his sleepless nights and Waver looking absolutely exhausted in the morning the following day. There are a couple of things that could make a man look exhausted after a sleepless night but they all have different symptoms. If they really must be miserable together Iskandar would certainly prefer for it to be caused by any of the above activities.
Still, none of those leaves one looking as if he was gnawed upon and then spit out. All right. Maybe excessive drinking does. Still, if Waver had gone binge drinking Iskandar would know. Most probably would go with him. But sadly nothing of that sort happened.
Next time when he's up again in the middle of the night with that same, fleeting echo of dread Iskandar knows what to do. He gets up, puts some clothes on and goes to check on Waver.
And there he is. Not sleeping and looking rather pale.]
Trouble sleeping, hm?
When: somewhere between March 10 and March 21
Where: Iskandar's Temple
What: Somebody is not getting enough sleep.
[In theory they all don't need to sleep now.
However, Iskandar would argue. The simple fact that he can get away without sleeping doesn't mean that he should or would like to. He or anybody else for that matter. So when he starts waking in the middle of the night at first he doesn't know why.
Oh, he had his share of sleepless nights in the past and yes, recent events were quite stressful. Still, if it were his usual round of nightmares he would at least remember something. Not wake up with a faint feeling of terror and then stare at the ceiling until morning because he's getting this suffocating sense of dread whenever he closes his eyes.
It doesn't take a lot to see the connection between his sleepless nights and Waver looking absolutely exhausted in the morning the following day. There are a couple of things that could make a man look exhausted after a sleepless night but they all have different symptoms. If they really must be miserable together Iskandar would certainly prefer for it to be caused by any of the above activities.
Still, none of those leaves one looking as if he was gnawed upon and then spit out. All right. Maybe excessive drinking does. Still, if Waver had gone binge drinking Iskandar would know. Most probably would go with him. But sadly nothing of that sort happened.
Next time when he's up again in the middle of the night with that same, fleeting echo of dread Iskandar knows what to do. He gets up, puts some clothes on and goes to check on Waver.
And there he is. Not sleeping and looking rather pale.]
Trouble sleeping, hm?
cw: PTSD
They're memories... bits and pieces mixed together in a terrifying tapestry that doesn't resemble any one true memory, but a melt between all of them. Caster's lair. Gordius Wheel's destruction. Iskandar's death, first at the bridge, and later... so much later... Iskandar fading to dust as Servants do, except this time, this death is truly on his hands. Gilgamesh looms up, a little less distorted and magnified by trauma since the crashing of the Banquet of the Kings and his death, and looks down, and that primal force judges, judges, judges...
Humanity burns as if immersed in nuclear fire and Goetia looks out and is pleased.
Waver wakes and remembers nothing. But trauma's kiss of horror and dread and foretelling is pressed against his brow before it too draws away and leaves him empty and with no choice but to cope. These nights... are difficult. The alien parts of his mind that he dare not brush up against in fear of consequences already far too hammered in; the realities of his situation far too stark in the lonely quiet of the night; the emptiness in him echoing the emptiness of the room around him and the whisper of his true self bleeds.
He's fallen asleep face first on the couch again you see.
Iskandar finds him curled up next to the floor to ceiling window overlooking the garden. Forehead against the chill of the glass, his eyes are up and fixed on the passage of the moon overhead.
In the dim moonlight, he's as pale as that shining, steady sphere.
Waver nods, because why conceal it? There's only one reason why Iskandar would be here.]
Sorry for waking you. Not a good night.
[That's the trouble with a one way bond. There's no hiding things like this, as much as Waver hates the vulnerability of times like these, when he's flayed open and transparent while Iskandar remains opaque. There's nothing for it but to go through.]
How bad was it?
no subject
Don't be. I noticed. That's why I came. If only to tell you that you don't have to be alone with this darkness.
[Maybe it's small comfort. Maybe it doesn't solve anything. Certainly, it won't make the nightmares go away. But it helped him in the past. To know that there is a person, even if a single one, even if that person is not saying anything, just sitting there, who is willing to spare time for him while he's trying to claw his way up from whatever black pit he had fallen or dug himself into. Sometimes he was that person for others. Friends, lovers, his soldiers. We all have our demons to fight with. It just never has to be a solitary fight.
He wants to be that person for Waver now. The dread won't just go away only because Waver has no recollection of events that caused it.]
And no. I can't read your mind. It's never anything specific. Just a feeling. Most of the time I don't even know which one of you sending me the alert. [That's why you both need that panic button on your phone that Satya installed. So he can always find you.] Some of the time I'm left wondering is it you or just me. That's why it took me so long.
What I hate the most though is that I can't send you anything back.
[Iskandar lets out a long sigh. There is a reason that would make sense of such bond being in one way only as it is. But he doesn't want to think about it right now. It would only make him angry.]
So I'm left with what I always did. Come and sit and listen.
no subject
He can take Iskandar's hand and squeeze it though as he speaks about it, and...]
I wish it were different too.
[For many reasons. But this what is.]
... my life left me scars. Not just physical scars. But the ones in here [He presses his free hand against his lifeless chest. In another life, he mentioned this once before in the singularity.] and here. [And then taps his temple once.]
I can't remember - well, naturally - but I can feel how deep they went. They were extensive, if some of my reactions are of any clue. It's not pretty in here. [He weakly smiles.] I'm afraid we're in for the long haul.
You? You mentioned you were having trouble keeping us apart...
[If this is going to be one of those sharing nights, it might as well be for both of them.]
no subject
[Suddenly Waver finds himself whisked up to his feet and then they vanish appearing in front of another window. Just a slightly wider one.
Actually a glass wall with a perfect view of the nighttime panorama of the city of Tokyo. It's cool at the highest observation deck of Tokyo Sky Tree. The heating for the huge structure is turned low while not in operation, and it's completely dark, save for the moonlight and glow of the city below. It's also middle of the night so there's not a single soul out there.
Just them and a veritable sea of light as far as the eye can see.]
We all bear scars. You have yours, I have mine. It comes with age and experience. Things that we did. Things that were done to us. They may mark us but they don't have to define us.
[Iskandar turns away from the view and towards Waver.]
Trouble? Nah, just something that needs some practice. I don't even mind. I noticed we have similar reactions to many things.
[You belong with me, Waver Velvet. I don't need, nay, I don't want to keep us apart.]
no subject
[Waver blinks as he's lifted to his feet as the scenery suddenly changes. Why here? It's beautiful though, if chilly. Below him stretches a sea of metal, glass, and light nestled in the darkness.]
Define, no. Deal with, yes. Even though we are not our memories - well not just our memories - that's going to be tricky. Dealing with trauma sometimes means directly confronting the issue itself and that can't be the case here.
[And... everything... does... ultimately require that. You can't paper over the past. That's not what it's meant by moving on.]
I... am not sure what the workaround here is. I cannot confront and I cannot ignore. Che... the consequences of the former are obvious and the latter option just means festering. Neither are great. I can listen to myself, my reactions, what comes echoing up, but that only gets so far in some cases.
[Why yes... all those times you've caught him oddly serene have meant that indeed Waver has been up to something.
He's been up to a lot of somethings, really. All very necessary.]
Face anything like that?
[As you said... similar reactions to many things. But similar experiences? Well... there's an answer Waver knows he can't really have, no matter how Iskandar answers.]
no subject
What I know is that scarcely any problem goes away if one tries to ignore it. So that's no solution at all. As you said, it will fester.
[He tried. Saying it didn't work would be quite an understatement.]
But I also know, that of all people, you will find your way through this. Without exploding into all-devouring beastie.
I know you will.
Because you’re one of the wisest people I’ve ever met... and I will help you however I can. Just let me.
[There is no need to fight with it alone. To rediscover, to rebuild oneself is a long and arduous process but it doesn't have to be a solitary one. You have your king at your side. He may not be able to protect you from your inner horrors but you can be sure he'll deal with any outside interference.
and you can as well take the damned compliment while we're at it because you fully deserve it]no subject
There's something else in my head. It's not me and me at the same time. Not another person... but almost like... echoes... remnants. My mind and that are linked. Almost completely fused.
And it goes deeper. Soul deep. I am both one and two.
[A deep sigh. Waver's hand twitches before reaching out.]
... I know it how it sounds. But I can't figure out any other way to explain it.
no subject
Then don't. It's all right. I understand. [He smiles.] Or at least I think I do.
What is more important is how do you feel about it?
no subject
[There. He said it.]
I keep slipping into altered states. It comes out usually during fights. It feels... alien to me. Cold, inhumanly rational. I'm dangerous. I would have killed that boy when we fought without a second's hesitation if I felt it necessary... and that's a hard thing to come to grips with.
[Waver is capable of killing, and has done so once upon another life, but he's not a killer. The ethics and responsibility of taking life and doing so directly are... hard enough to grapple with in a normal situation and come out healthy.
This is hardly normal to say the least.]
But.
Just observing it. These pieces of me that are not me and yet me. And watching from a distance how they compare to the parts of self that I definitely know as me... there are troubling similarities. Both halves are ultimately the same thing. And not the thing I think I'm clinging to.
[What you do in life matters. But death changes the equation, doesn't it? Even in Waver's case, where his death may or may not be the death.]
no subject
But right now it's the only way Iskandar knows that can offer him at least some comfort. and then there is this small voice in the back of his mind telling him that maybe, just maybe he's also doing it for his own selfish reasons. Not just purely altruistic wish to help the other man.]
Sometimes we are the source of our darkness. The terrible things we are capable of doing. Human beings by their very nature are not prone to murder. So when we must do harm to others it does break us a little. Sometimes a lot. And we do have our dark impulses. The selfish and the inconsiderate. We're equally capable of the true miracles of bravery, kindness or compassion as we are of the most heinous crimes.
So maybe that altered state is your mind trying to protect you from the horror of the fight. Because otherwise, you'll be unable to act in such a situation.
Even to defend yourself requires a degree of ruthlessness. It is allowing for the suffering of others as to prevent one of your own. Which may not be the easiest thing to accept about yourself. That ruthless part can get isolated to the point it no longer feels like part of you.
[There is a long pause before he asks.]
Am I even making any sense to you?
no subject
He's dancing on the devil's highwire and below him are a million blades. It affirms why he's not speaking about the big thing.
But truth from a certain point of view (ish) is truth nonetheless, and Waver lets instinct take over from thought for a moment and focus him on the most important parts of the situation. The helplessness Iskandar must feel listening to this, knowing there's no easy fix. How much this must hurt. Waver cannot Recognize him, but he can recognize the feelings he's going through. He's holding Iskandar's life and heart in his hands, and not only because Waver might explode into a hell monster at any time - (no, he'll just be dead if so, he's seeing to that) - but the wear and tear of dealing with this can drag even the strongest down, and Waver has to see that that doesn't happen.
This place is cruel for what it does to everyone, no matter their role. As Waver presses his cheek against Iskandar's shoulder and scrunches shut his eyes, he presses his hand against Iskandar's back. Just a simple touch. Hopefully it will be enough comfort.]
You are. [It is just not the case here.] I hate the thought of harming anyone, even though I'd nail myself to the wall for the people I care for.
[Truth from a point of view (ish) meet blatant truth. Waver can afford nothing less than total sincerity, total honesty as he begins to guide Iskandar around the minefields in him. That one way link won't permit anything else. Respecting Iskandar and his own intelligence and his own experience means nothing less.]
But this place... [Waver grits his teeth and here again is truth. Legitimate truth, a legitimate issue, because he does not like the thought of it, but things are what they are.] Something like that will be required of me sooner or later and that will be an unpleasant thing to face when it comes.
no subject
You won't need to nail yourself anywhere for anyone. Not if I have any say in this and I believe I do.
[His hand goes to Waver's hair almost without thinking. It feels the most natural thing to do. How did it happen that this man started to mean so much to him? His little Master. Not so little anymore. A grown-up man. Beautiful...and yet so tormented.
Iskandar loves all his people with his whole heart. He always did. He would strike down anybody who would dare to suggest that it is otherwise now. He loves Satya. He loves his followers. They're all great people. Even the lawyers. He may not understand much from what they do or why they do it but they fight their own battles and emerge victorious in his name. It would be against his nature for him not to appreciate that. That's valour worthy of his love.
But with Waver it's different. Iskandar would burn down the world, kill thousands, brave descent to the Underworld as if he was Orpheus reborn if that could only bring him closer to easing Waver's suffering. He very rarely feels that way. About anyone.
So it cuts even deeper when he knows that he needs no trip to Hades. It's him who holds in his hands at least some of the answers to Waver's questions but he can't tell him. Nothing. Not a single word. For the calamity that would bring is beyond description. That knowledge poisons him from the inside.
He now needs to go around it. To suggest things but still be wary so they don't trigger any possible memories. Only ideas. In that, he's lacking any competence. He was always a man of direct word. Yes was yes. No was no. No meandering or vaguely suggesting. And yet that is exactly what he must learn to do.
So he tells none of it. Instead, he chooses to refer to what Waver just said. Not that it's an easier subject.]
It may indeed come to that we will need to fight not only the beasts we already do. The choice, however, how we intend to approach it belongs to us and us alone. One can love the blade not for its sharpness or deadly power but for the lives this power protects.
There is a great difference between loving the fight and loving the killing. The first makes one a warrior the other a murderer. I have been both in my life and I can already tell you're in no risk of becoming the latter.
One who is ready to spill your blood must be prepared for his own blood to flow. Otherwise, he is a coward unworthy even of being killed.
There is glory and joy in combat when one measures himself against a worthy opponent. Even in defeat, one's honour is unmarred as long as one fights bravely and without hesitation. In victory, one should never destroy or seek to humiliate those he just vanquished. For that would only bring resentment and vengeance. Instead, treat them with respect as it is fit for a warrior. For they are not enemies to themselves but brothers in a war against the world that pits them against each other.
That is how I always lived and it served me well.