thenearshore | [closed] i believe in you

Entry tags:

[closed] i believe in you

Who: Elsa

reformedsinner
What: Discussing Elsa's almost sacrifice during the boss fight ~~as promised last month~~
When: Morning of 4/6
Where: Kitchen in Menrva's temple
Warnings: Probably talk of death, with these two. Will edit if anything comes up.

Exhaustion is to thank for how heavily Elsa slept last night, because it certainly wasn't the conversation she had with Sanzo the night before. That would have kept her up for hours if not for the soreness in her muscles and what she thinks must be a dip in her godly power levels or something for having named Goku. (She's not going to think about making him a nora against the Heavens' advice. She has enough guilt on her shoulders from that fight.)

She's up a little later than normal, but not any less clear-headed. Once she's done with her morning shower and beauty ritual (a lifetime of doing so makes it a hard habit to break), she decides it's time to check on Hakkai. Last night, she'd left him to himself, to take care of his injury in private and to give him time to process the fight. He'd been angry with her for her choices, but Elsa has no regrets. She would do it again if given the chance, because this place has taken enough from him. She won't ler him lose more, if she can help it.

Her search leads her to the kitchen, where Hakkai is sitting at the table with a cup of tea. Good, it's probably better if they both sit for this.

"Good morning," she says as she approaches, walking past him to get a mug from the cupboard. "How are you feeling?" She can't keep the concern out of her voice, an undercurrent of tension that brings out her parents' accent, the one she'd lost as soon as she started going to school in Caifornia as a child. It warps the vowels just slightly, enough that someone who's used to how she talks might pick up on.

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Her voice has the faint shift in inflection Hakkai's learned to recognize in her as hidden stress. Ah, wonderful. They're both starting this conversation in a good mood already, he thinks, looking thoughtfully down at his tea.

His chest aches; he'd made the mistake of trying to put away dishes this morning and had been reminded that it'll be a few days before he can lift his arms above shoulder level without reopening his wound. One teacup is about the right weight for him right now. He's already decided that he really hates being injured.

"Good morning," he says in return. "I've been worse. You'll have to make your own coffee."

Coffee, he probably could have made, but this will keep her in the room longer. He glances at her back as she rummages for the mug.

"What were you thinking yesterday?"

Yesterday. They're going to just dive into this, then. Okay.

Elsa takes her time getting everything for her coffee: mug, grains, sugar, spoon, almond milk. That's as long as she makes him wait, though. As she readies the coffee maker, she answers, "I was thinking that I couldn't let anyone get hurt."

"If that were true, you would have dodged." She's delaying with her coffee preparations, but he'd handed her that tactic by not making any, so he doesn't object to it.

He doesn't plan on letting her slide so easily, though. There is a critical difference between protective and self-destructive. Throwing her arms wide to take an acid ball to the chest is the latter.

And he's not sure how he can keep her safe if she is determined not to let him,which means she is the one he'll have to convince.

She should have guessed he'd find the weakness in her argument. They're alike that way, she and Hakkai, listening well and paying attention to the details, to what does and doesn't get said. And he's right on the mark, so she's not going to deny it.

"Then I stand corrected. I didn't want you, Goku, or Hibari to get hurt."

The worry is gone from her voice now, and instead her tone is even and firm. What's there to hide? It may not have been her best moment, but she stands by it.

Once the coffee maker has started doing its job, she turns and faces Hakkai. She will not give him her back for this, now that she feels certain of what course this conversation will take.

"That sounds more honest," Hakkai said, hands tightening subtly on the teacup. His gaze stays on her face, carefully neutral. "As for yourself, did you just not care, or were you trying to let yourself be hurt?"

Edited 2016-08-11 20:32 (UTC)

In the heat of battle, with her instincts failing her and her intuition telling her to run, Elsa hadn't had much time to think of other options. It's funny; when she'd been brainwashed, everything she did had a purpose. The same is true now, except that without the singleminded devotion that Mesogog had poisoned her to hold to, chiices become harder to make. She cares about more than herself now, more than a master who would punish her for any failure. Even if she dies here, it's not permanent. Better to have something happen to her than to Hakkai, who doesn't even remember who he used to be.

"All I could think about was protecting you and the others -- especially you. You were hurt. You still are. That blast wouldn't have killed me."

And if it had, she would've come back. In short, she did care, but she wasn't trying to hurt herself.

Hakkai's shoulders slump, infintesimally, in relief. A bad decision in the heat of battle, is that what she's saying it was? It's a relief. As long as it's true.

"I won't claim I wasn't hurt, but Elsa, if we're going to fight together that can happen. You still have to use me.

"And you should have dodged that goo. You were the only one it was aimed at, you know."

"I'm not going to use you if it means I could break you."

She is not Mesogog. She is not Hakkai's master. She may be a god, but she owes him a duty of care, even if it only goes as far as propriety dictates.

(Yet she can't forget the flash of hope that surged through her as she stood there, waiting for the ayakashi's attack to hit, the thought that maybe if she died nobly, she would get the chance to go home, even if only for a few minutes. It hadn't been what made her do what she did, but it had helped her hold her ground when looking a bad injury in the face.)

"If I had taken the attack, then Goku and Hibari could've escaped and taken you with them. I would do it again if I had to."

"Leaving you to die? I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life as a sword," Hakkai says. He looks back up at her face. His own expression is flat, almost cold. "Elsa, we have to work together."

He lifts his cup, taking a tiny sip of tea to give himself the time to think. Yes, he'd been hurt. Yes, he'd been nearly useless. She had been right to stop using him in that situation, but trying to take the attack-- no. Every instinct he has rejects that as an option. Shinki might protect their gods that way, but for a god to protect her shinki? For, specifically, Elsa to try and sacrifice herself for him?

No.

"I won't break that easily."

"I'm sure you'd revert to your normal self if I died." The thought almost makes her laugh, except this isn't funny. Death, even if temporary, is serious.

The gurgling of the coffee maker draws her attention, and she takes the distraction it offers her, turning to check if it's done or not. (It's only just started dripping coffee into the pot. She'd hoped to have a little longer to think, but she'll have respite later.)

"It didn't seem that way to me," she says, and only once she's said so does she turn to face him again, her gaze on the table rather than him. The way it felt to try and cleave the ayakashi in half only for the blade to catch as it began to crack-- no. She won't have that. Never again.

"I was injured," Hakkai says flatly, still watching her face even if she's staring down at the surface of the table. It catches the morning light from the window on its grain, glinting red and blonde under the finish, and he lets go of his teacup to spread his hands on the wood. "Not broken. Sometimes injury happens in a battle.

"Elsa, it's not your responsibility to keep me safe. Not if we're in a battle. It's your responsibility to win, and if I come too close to my limits, I'll tell you."

The need to win can too easily override common sense and self-preservation, and Elsa almost says as much. She doesn't, though, because they'll only argue in circles if she does, and neither if them needs that.

"It's my job to see to your wellbeing. Look at where you're injured now. If I'd kept fighting, you would've broken in half. I can't let that happen to you. I won't."

"Fine," Hakkai said, and drained the last mouthful if his tea. He considers getting up and getting another cup, but no: he's still moving stiffly and she doesn't need the additional worry. It's bad enough as it is.

"I don't want to break," he adds. "But I do not want you to put yourself in danger to protect me. And I very much do not want you to put yourself in danger for no good reason." His voice is getting more precise as he speaks, each word shaped with chilly care.

"I will if I have to. Keeping you safe and whole is good enough reason for me."

The chill in his words comes through loud and clear, as does the sharp edge to his emotions, thought the latter is subtle. It's always subtle with him, controlled, unless it's deeply serious.

I will if I have to-- Hakkai swallows back the sudden flare of his temper before it can convert itself into action. It's still there, right under the false placidity of his facade, gone from chilly to a hot blaze at her dismissal.

It takes him a few seconds, staring down at the empty teacup, before he trusts himself to speak evenly again.

"I don't want you to protect me."

He might be damaged; he'll heal, but he's a sword, not a shield. Sanzo is a gun. Only Goku has a form that has a chance of protecting her, and even then, it's only because of the versatility that comes with an animal's shape. With no armor and no shield--

"Your priority has to be protecting yourself," he adds, tension seeping into his tone again despite his efforts. With no armor and no shield, it's only Elsa's own actions that can keep her safe or endanger her.

(It's fear fueling his anger, and he knows it. Fear that he'll find himself held out, useless, in safety while he watches her prepare to take a blow again. Fear that next time, there won't be someone else nearby to save her, and it will be a killing blow, not just a stinging one.)

His anger echoes through her, and for a moment, she thinks she's back in the lair and being yelled at for another failure. That fear passes quickly, though, and she holds fast to the eerie calm that follows it.

I don't want is all she needs to hear to stop and think, because Elsa promised Hakkai that his opinion matters, that his wants and choices matter, that she will not give him orders or force anything on him.

I don't want you to protect me.

Her voice is softer when she finally replies. "My priority should be to keep my people safe." 'My people' being those assigned to her, those who work for or with her, those she calls friends, those humans who pray to her. That's what they're here for, right? Conspiracy theories aside, gods and shinki are supposed to help people.

"Right?"

"Wrong." Anger is still humming through his bones: Hakkai moves very carefully, wrapping his hands around his empty teacup to occupy them both. His tone is flat, brooking no argument at all.

He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to force down the anger enough to line up his arguments. He won't shout, and he certainly isn't going to attack her, but this must be resolved. His anger fails into simple fear when he imagines going into another battle by her side without knowing she'll dodge.

"I won't tell you not to care about my safety. But, in a fight, you have to be able to trust me to tell you what I can handle, and I have to trust you to defend yourself. I'm only talking about fights right now," he adds, unclenching one hand to raise a single finger in a gesture of pedantic clarification. "Your long-term priorities are your own."

"How do I know you're not taking risks?"

The fear is better than the anger. His fear resonates with her own, helps her understand where he's coming from. A shinki is a god's moral compass, and in this case, Hakkai is helping her navigate the stormy, uncharted waters of a life she never asked for.

"I don't want anyone to die for me." Elsa shits her eyes and thinks back to the second time Zeltrax kidnapped her, using her as a shield, in essence, as he tried to destroy Reefside in his zord; she thinks back and remembers the fear that the people who'd braved the machine to rescue her might die in their efforts to save her. "I couldn't live with that."

"Neither could I," Hakkai says, very mildly indeed, and scoots the chair back to stand up. Its legs scrape loudly on the kitchen tiles.

He picks his teacup up, and turns, reaching for the teapot with care as the slash over his ribs jolts him with pain. It's a little easier to force his emotions to settle when he's not looking at her, when some other action can occupy his attention. As simple as it is to pour tea, lifting and tilting the pot without dislodging his bandages takes just enough focus to dull the edges of the anger and helpless fear fighting each other for supremacy.

To the teapot, he continues, "So, then, I won't die for you, and you won't die for me. This isn't fair, you know, Elsa. In a fight, you can choose to throw me away at any time, but I'm a sword, not a shield. I can't protect you."

It's so obvious he's in pain that Elsa almost takes the teapot from him to serve him more tea herself. Given the subject of their conversation, though, she stomps on that urge and lets him see to it himself, following him with her gaze in case his injuries become too much for him to bear.

"Heaven's choices have never really seemed fair to me." And this from someone agnostic at best. "You can always yank me off my feet." It's not the same, and she is well aware of that. "No. I know what you're saying. Just-- promise me you won't lie to me about your limits. You could've died. That was terrifying."

"I promise." Hakkai sets the teapot back down and turns, cradling his cup in his hands as he leans back against the counter. "I'm still learning what my limits are in that form, but I'll be more careful with them."

His gaze is still cautious as it crosses hers, not yet quite trusting. Maybe she'll be able to hold to the deal. Maybe not; he's going to have to wait to see her in combat again before he's sure.

Likewise, Elsa still doubts his promise, but she has no choice but to tale his word for it.

"And I promise to evade attacks whenever possible." That's the best she can offer him at this point.

It's not much, Hakkai thinks. Whenever possible... no, that leaves her far too much wiggle room.

He gives her a long, cool look.

"Well, please don't die," he says at last, and pushes himself away from the counter again, returning to the table. Is there anything more he can say, until the next fight? He can't, at the moment, think of what.

He sits down too carefully, and stares at his teacup. The fear and anger are still running too close to the surface of his mind. He wonders if she can feel it. Maybe it's selfish to want so badly not to be the one protected, the one who would be left behind. Maybe they're both being equally selfish, then.

In theory, it's always possible, because of her escape intuition. In theory, she could've kept avoiding Izanami's attacks in Yomi for eternity, though she can't think of a worse fate than that.

"I don't want to die," Elsa responds as he sits, and it's only a small part a lie. She wonders about death, about what would happen, how it would feel.

Hakkai's emotions buzz beneath her skin, and she realizes then that maybe his fear is not unlike hers regarding the possibility of hos death. She would feel fully responsible for his death, and she would miss him, her exemplar, the one who has stood by her side when she thought of rebelling against the Heavens, the fellow teacher who has helped with such enthusiasm to start snd maintain their school. Maybe he thinks of it like she does, and so he would rather die himself than see her fall in battle.

That won't do, but how are they supposed to handle it?

"I don't want you to die, Hakkai. I don't think I could handle it if you did."

"I prefer living, too." But, if it comes down to it... his hands tighten on his cup, and he looks down into it as a confusing tension jolts through his body. He wouldn't mind dying in combat, he thinks. He'd be sorry to hurt her by doing it, but it would be all right. He wouldn't even mind them both dying in combat, if it happened, because it is always a possibility.

But.

It's shockingly hard to say, he notices; harder than it should be for such a simple sentence, and he pauses with his mouth half-open to shape the words.

"I was helpless," he says softly. You made me helpless. That's what he can't bear, and that's a shinki's natural condition, isn't it? The two of them can say that they're partners all that they want, but in a fight, the decisions are hers. All he can do is offer advice and support.

His voice is quiet, but the words are like a lance to the heart, and Elsa can't help but wince. She understands what's behind his words, even if he isn't outright feeling anything at them. Not so long ago, Elsa had been helpless too, wielded like a weapon to fight a group of kids, drained of her borrowed power when she'd stopped being useful, kidnapped twice more to try and keep the good guys from killing her in the process of taking out one of the bad guys. Helpless, facing near certain death or worse, wholly dependent on who was smartest or fastest or strongest to make the call and decide her fate.

"I just wanted to protect you." Gaze downcast, she shakes her head. "I didn't know what else to do. I thought it was the best way." She pauses, bites her lips, looks up at him. "I'm sorry."

Edited (typos :|) 2016-08-18 17:24 (UTC)

"I know." Hakkai closes his eyes against a sudden surge of grief and fear that bubbles up from the desperate control he's trying to keep on his emotions. Ah, she could probably feel that. It's not just helplessness: it's humiliating to be a shinki. He can't even keep his feelings to himself....

Not even when he doesn't quite know where they came from. It hadn't been that serious an attack, after all. She wouldn't have died, and even if she had, as much as he's pleased to have her as a goddess, he feels -- too upset for that to be all there is to the matter.

He opens his eyes again, and summons a plastic smile, forcing his roiling emotions back down.

"I... understand. But please don't protect me like that."

"I won't."

And even though it seems like she's just saying it, Elsa means it. Now that she knows where he's coming from, she can't allow herself to act that way again. To do so once is a mistake. To do so again is a choice, and one that is far too much like one Mesogog would have made.

"I'll protect us both. I'll find another way."

That sounds like something he can trust. He wants to -- on one hand; on the other, he's not yet sure it's safe to trust her, when he can't be certain what her instincts might drive her to in a fight.

But there's nothing that a shinki can do, Hakkai thinks, except trust in his god.

Slowly, he nods.

"I'll believe you." Not, precisely, I do believe you. It's still a choice he's making, and he's not sure it's the right one.

It still feels better, he thinks, than not believing.

It's all she can ask for, really, because when all is said and done, Hakkai really is helpless in his vessel form. She can make all the promises in the world, and he would be powerless to stop her from breaking them.

"I won't let you down." Elsa says that for both of them, hoping the words will bind her to her intent, that being a god lends what she says the power to enforce their meaning. "Thank you, Hakkai. For trusting me with this." For keeping her in check, for stopping her before her good intentions lead her down the path that could turn her into Mesogog.

"No," Hakkai says softly, "thank you." He can hear the sincerity in her voice. She is impulsive; she is self-sacrificing, and tries to take too much authority on her own shoulders, but she also cares about him and about Sanzo and Goku.

It's hard to resist that kindness, no matter how much it might disturb him sometimes.

He smiles, faintly, and straightens up, repressing a wince at the ache across his new wound.

"I have some worksheets to grade, but I'll see you at lunch, Elsa."

That's that, isn't it? That's the most either of them can give or get outside of battle. It'll have to do.

Sighing away most of the tension in her shoulders, she nods and gives a small, sincere smile. "Of course. If you need any help at all, let me know."

If there's nothing more to say, she'll finish making her coffee and head to her office to start the day.

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[closed] i believe in you

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