[Closed] we were both young when I first saw you

[sharkmaid]

Who: Rin Matsuoka (sharkmaid) and Sousuke Yamazaki (takenwithhim)
What: God and shinki finally meet face to face.
When: Afternoon of April 26th
Where: Rin's temple
Warnings: None... except a lot of feels. and Taylor Swift lyrics because I was told to do it


He didn't sleep much last night. Not really. Not when his head was swimming with thoughts, when his hands were clammy and legs wouldn't sit still. Not when everything around him was so far from what he knew and from what he called home. Ordinarily, sure, Rin was all about change. He lived it, breathed it, faced it head-on without fear. But back then, he knew what he was getting himself into. He could plan for it, work hard for it... Not be dropped into it and expected to understand from the start. Needless to say, the day was rough, the night even rougher, and when he finally managed a wink of sleep, all he could hope for was that he would wake up from some crazy dream.

A dream where he was god. With powers and responsibilities that stretched so far beyond his imagination... A dream where his most cherished friends never even knew he existed.

Sometime in the afternoon just as the sun settled high above his head, Rin left his room and found himself right before the castle gates. They stayed open all night and he saw no need to shut them now, and as he stood facing the wide pathway before him, he paid no mind to who or what would happen to pass in the road behind. This... was supposedly all his. All this space and grandeur, a true place for royalty, for a god. But... he couldn't be that. He wasn't that. He was just Rin.

The branches of the large cherry blossom trees shivered and shook in response to Rin's inner turmoil, but still, the petals held on, falling but never disappearing or leaving a single patch bare. He wanted to have hope that this would pass, that holding onto what remained between himself, Makoto, and Nagisa would keep all of them safe as they always were.

But maybe that too was a dream.

Comments

[takenwithhim]

Silence. Seconds of it. If he was being immature, he had an excuse for it. The start of this day, coupled with yesterday, his new life, his new role, could he really be expected to be so eager and calm about it? But… despite his frustration and frown, a small pang lanced through his chest as Rin spoke. Agreeing with him, and yet his voice was so drained, so tired. Sousuke knew he was the reason for it. Not all of it, but some of it. Behaving like this, demanding answers from Rin that the other boy probably couldn’t even give him, literally turning his back on him. He listened though. Listened to that exhausted tone admitting—finally admitting—that he wasn’t as ready to go as he’d been trying to pretend.

Both of them had a lot on their mind, though he wasn’t sure he liked the idea of what Rin could and couldn’t tell him. Unfortunately, he expected it. Rin’s moments of silence over their brief hour together pretty much confirmed it. And he remembered from yesterday that gods retained their memories, while shinki didn’t. Sousuke tilted his head to the side, letting it clunk gently on the window frame, the cool stone leaking its chill against his scalp. Footsteps retreated, the door opened, and a flash of pink wisped along the bottom peripheral of his vision. I’ll be waiting for you. Sousuke tightened his fingers around his biceps, eyes narrowing at the sea of pink resting outside the window. The ones that seemed so in tune with Rin’s emotions. You’re upset too. The door closed and he was alone.

It was a long, long time he stayed there. His mind was busy, troubled, spinning around in a maelstrom of confusion and frustration. He wanted to be angry, he was angry, but whether it was at Rin, at himself, at this world, he didn’t know anymore. Probably some of everything. What was true and what was false remained to be seen, but regardless of Rin’s lies, regardless of Sousuke not fading away through the night, regardless of this world promising and threatening shinki like him… the truth of the matter was, Rin helped him. Even now, when he looked at the mark, his name, branded on his shoulder, that help was there. Sousuke could have kept wandering, could have stayed by himself. Who knows what would’ve happened. He could’ve been completely fine. Or he might have vanished entirely.

But despite Sousuke’s brusque attitude and his words, Rin contracted him all the same. It was more than being a servant or a partner. He wasn’t blind enough to not see the power Rin had given him. Beyond that, Rin trusted him. He gave him a place to stay. Took him in and was intent on taking care of him for all Sousuke knew. He pushed himself beyond his discomfort to give the shinki a tour around his castle, even when he felt like a wreck. No, it wasn’t ideal and he still didn’t like the fact he had to rely on Rin. But… nothing Rin ever did gave Sousuke reason to doubt him. Even that lie was a petty matter, merely Rin trying to be kind to him. And Sousuke’d treated him like it was some grave offense. He frowned at himself again, remembering the dismissive tone he took before they parted. You just wanted me to be all right. That was the simple truth here, wasn’t it.

They might not be best friends right off the bat; they’d probably fight more. But…If you decide to pair up with a God, they'll be really lucky to be with you and I hope that they'll appreciate you. Makoto’s words came back; of course they’d come back. Time passed, frustrations slowly lessened, giving him time to think and work through these strange things. It was embarrassing and much of that cold anger and turbulent frustration faded away into a heavy guilt. He should’ve been more appreciative for what Rin was doing. He didn’t even know Sousuke, and yet he obviously cared for him. Didn’t help matters that his time away from Rin only rubbed other facts in even more. Rin was frustrated too; he probably didn’t know any more than Sousuke about this place (after all, hadn’t he arrived yesterday as well). Rin had his memories to deal with also, though the thought made Sousuke feel sick again and he quickly avoided pursuing that track. But through all of that… Rin reached for him, made him his shinki, gave him strength and purpose, gave him a place to stay and someone to be with. He didn’t doubt that Rin would protect him. And even if Sousuke was proud and self-reliant… it was pretty rude to get pissed at someone for trying their hardest to help you.

Hours passed before he finally pushed away from the window sill. The sun was already beginning to crawl towards the horizon, casting deepening light through the window on the other side of the castle this time. The single cherry blossom rested in Sousuke’s hand; he’d been unwilling to brush it away or leave without it. Of course, without pockets, the only other option was to put it into the waist of these leggings but… no. He kept it in his hand as he stepped out of the room and into the hallway. He wanted to find him…

But he got lost. For hours. Wandering the castle, through halls, up and down stairs, wondering where the hell he was even going! Of course he had no idea which direction Rin had gone when he left. No idea which room he was in. Of course there was no map either and he even embarrassed himself to the point of getting pink under his cheeks when he stood still and tried to “feel” where Rin might be. Ultimately, he got tired and began the process of elimination. Sousuke went from door to door and opened them. One after another. Started at one halfway and stuck to the left-hand wall. Like finding his way through a maze. He’d been more than relieved to hear the sound of the fountain and find himself back by the grand front doors again. But, that didn’t mean he found Rin. Off he went again, up the stairs (dreading the fact that this place had multiple floors too). But it gave him more time to think, more time to feel guilty and foolish for his actions, more time to calm down. It wasn’t until nigh-nightfall that Sousuke finally the door.

No, he had no idea Rin was behind it. All he’d done was silently move the handle and open the door just as quietly. But… it was obvious from the moment he looked into the room that he’d found his god. Found Rin. Without a sound, he pushed the door open and stepped through, moving his large body out of the darkness of the hallway and into the bedroom. Even if the other boy had said he had no “assigned” bedroom, this one wasn’t at all bad… But he wasn’t here for the room. He was here for the person inside it. Sousuke closed the door behind him, trying to keep as soundless as possible so as to not interrupt him (or wake him). But, for everything that he thought and came to terms with in those hours of thinking and getting lost… there was a simple want crystalized in his mind.

I want to stay with you.

[sharkmaid]

Truthfully, Rin didn't find a place to stay as soon as he left Sousuke's room. Instead, he chose to wander himself, even when his legs wobbled and his toes began to cramp in his shoes. Everything about the world felt abnormal and uncomfortable, small and incomplete, and even though he had all this space and time and luxury, he felt so incredibly small. Like a fish in a tiny puddle, swimming around and around in countless circles. It was suffocating and unbearable and really he should have done just as Sousuke said. Lie down. Rest. ... Go away. Who are you. But how could he? How could he rest when his mind wouldn't stay silent? How could he rest when all he wanted to do was find solutions and answers, to fix this even if it took forever?

He didn't know where to start. His own duties aside, he had to live knowing his own friends had no idea who he was. These were the people he dreamed for, the people he fought and swam for. But who were they now and who was he to them? Only tools? Only a master expected to own and train and hold secrets from them? These are my friends, he told himself as he walked alone down another empty hallway. I can't do this to them... but I can't leave them alone. Still. What was he doing now? Where was he now? All powerful, all knowing and immortal. A god.

Alone.

He wandered until the sun finally set and his heart fell numb, and when his feet finally gave up he turned to the first door he set eyes on and walked with whatever energy he had left to give. Maybe it wasn't his designated room, whatever that was supposed to be, but Rin couldn't have cared less as long as he had somewhere to go. Wherever it was, at least he made sure to be far enough away from that first hallway as possible. He knew it was far; he could sense it--a little flicker of energy on the other side of the castle. As long as he gave him room, then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. You couldn't have given me an ocean instead, huh, he thought to whatever gods-that-be while shutting the door behind him and watching the last bit of orange sunlight disappear behind the silk curtains. No. Whoever they were, they had to be cruel. They had to give him everything and anyone he could ever need... only to take his sunshine away.

He didn't hear the handle turn or feel the brush of cold air when the door slowly opened. To anyone not paying much attention, the room might as well have been empty. But as the hallway light spilled in, it reached a single shoe, then another, left behind on the floor leading to the four poster bed on the other side of the bedroom. Someone was here, and upon closer inspection Sousuke would sure enough find Rin curled up on his side, uncovered and still, one foot dangling off the edge of the bed as if he barely managed to drag himself up. But he was asleep and breathing steadily, one hand tucked beneath his pillow... the other halfway reaching for the vacant spot beside him. Really, it didn't take long for him to fall asleep once he lay down, but judging by the dusting of pink on both damp and cold cheeks, he spared a moment anyway for a few last tears.

It'd been a while since he last slept by himself.

[takenwithhim]

It felt like some sort of decision was made the moment that door slid shut behind him. Just how many times was he going to remind himself he was going to stay with Rin? Three times now. Once under the sakura, once in that room far across the castle, and once more right now after all that thought-churning wandering. The darkness of the room only made those thoughts heavier. For a moment, he thought he got the wrong room, but just as quickly dismissed the thought. Sousuke gave himself a few to look around the darkened room, the moonlight spilling through the windows illuminating the décor and size. The scattered drop of shoes on the floor. A soft sigh and Sousuke quietly skimmed Rin’s shoes over to the wall nearby the door, safely put out of the way. Then lifted his gaze again to the room. The bed across from him, with its four posts rising into the air like some kind of beacon calling his eyes to what they held between them.

He moved forward, from stone floor to luxurious carpet, until he stood beside the bed. Rin was sleeping… Sousuke let himself look this time. No sakura petals, no strange breezes, no light or confusing words. Only silence and Rin. His god. Curled up without blanket or sheet atop the bed. You really were tired… He could see it plain as the moon. Rin hadn’t even bothered to pull his other leg onto the bed. How fast had he fallen asleep? He wanted to think instantly. But the color on Rin’s cheeks, pink and still glistening faintly in the moonlight, told him otherwise. For all his frustration and Rin’s own troubles, he still had tears to shed. Sousuke knew it was probably due to him the majority of those tears shed. A silent mixture of disappointment and relief slid through him at seeing Rin’s slumber. Disappointment that he couldn’t say the words he wanted to say. Relief that he didn’t have to say them to his face. Don’t cry so much, Rin…

Sousuke felt something clench inside him when he saw his outstretched arm. Reaching across the bed. He couldn’t convince himself it was some stretch or casual fall. Rin was reaching for something, someone. And the only thing he had to answer for it was the empty sheets of a cold bed. Who slept next to you? A question he couldn’t answer, wasn’t sure he ever would be able to. Sousuke leaned away from the bed and silently moved around it to the other side. Ever so gently, so as to not wake him, he slipped one of the pillows from the head of the mattress. And then eased it under Rin’s outstretched arm. It wasn’t what or who he had… but maybe it would help. Done, he backed up and with all the stealth of a shark in the dark sea, vanished out of the room.

Only to return a few minutes later, loaded with blankets, pillows, and sheets he’d stripped from the rooms flanking this one. No one else was going to use them, right? Kneeling beside the bed, he slipped the load down onto the floor, doing everything as silently as he could. Blankets spread on the floor, sheets atop them, pillows settled, arranged enough that he had something soft to lie down. Of course, the rug under the bed was so lush he probably shouldn’t have bothered but… he wasn’t about to fall asleep uncovered wearing these legskins… His own bed made, Sousuke slipped a heavy sheet from the makeshift bed. With a quiet motion, he pulled the thing into a spread. And carefully draped it over Rin’s body, covering him from the cool air. Even took the effort to nudge that dangling foot up onto the mattress so he wouldn’t wake up numb.

Satisfied he’d given the distressed boy some comfort, Sousuke finally sank down on the blankets and pillows beside the bed. Maybe it was odd, his new form being that of a dog and here he was, sleeping beside his god’s bed. Like a good dog. But… he didn’t feel sore or upset about it, only a little wry in amusement. Rin was taking care of him, protecting him… Then Sousuke would do the same. His guard dog. His companion. He knew they’d have fights, he knew they’d but heads, probably hurt each other. He pulled the blankets up and covered himself, lying on his back and tucking one arm under the pillow, his right arm lying protectively over his chest. They’d make it work. For all the unease and frustration, he never forgot the feeling of that first change. When he felt so connected to Rin. Trusted him. Saw his strength and resolve.

Well… at the very least… they’d both sleep well tonight. And if Sousuke could help it, you wouldn’t have to spend another night alone.