thenearshore | [closed] Stop blaming yourself

Entry tags:

[closed] Stop blaming yourself

Who: Nageki and Roxas
What: Talking about Important Stuff
When: May 1
Where: Roxas's temple to start
Warnings: Talking about trauma probably.

The past few days have been absolute hell. Nageki had been able to do nothing, not knowing until much later that his two closest friends were injured and had lost someone they cared for. The next best thing he could do is to be there for them.

And it would be a hell of a lot easier to do that if he didn't feel like Roxas wanted to hole himself up inside himself and lock Nageki out. When he first got here, he never felt like this. He didn't care what others thought of him or did to him. So why does that scare him now?

When Roxas told him they could meet up rather than Roxas walking around alone... Nageki's relief was almost tangible. It didn't take him long at all to show up.

He grips his own hand awkwardly when he arrives, as if trying to hide the fact that he's Roxas's own shinki, like he's protecting that part of his identity. Which is weird and stupid but he's not even thinking about it.

"I didn't think it was good to talk about things over the phone."

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Since Roxas had told Nageki where he was, all he had to do was wait. Usually he could find something to do on his phone to keep his mind occupied. It was filled with all sorts of apps so he never had to go far to find something.

Since yesterday these apps really didn't appeal to him at the moment. Not since talking to Sora, making sure his other half was okay, knowing deep down that he has to find the one who caused Axel to act the way he did. He needs someone else to blame for that death, not just himself. Roxas knows revenge isn't smart, but that doesn't make him any less vindictive.

Meeting Pippa earlier in the day didn't help matters either. She was the one to land the killing blow on his best friend.

When he hears Nageki speak, Roxas looks up, failing to even force a small smile. "... no. I'm not good talking with people over the phone. This is fine."

Edited (wrong icon) 2016-10-02 03:58 (UTC)

"I'm not much good at talking at all." At least he's honest about that because now it's the time to just stand here awkwardly, worrying almost to the point of fretting that he's overstepped boundaries. That he's pushing. He and Roxas aren't always on even ground, and their first few conversations didn't go great. He's surprised Roxas had even considered him a friend that day in the bookstore.

He tugs on a sleeve. "Is there anything I can do?" He tried asking Sora this and it didn't go great, but it's worth a second shot.

Roxas hesitated before reaching out and patting Nageki's head. He himself always felt better when others did this to him. Senri reminded him of that the night it all happened. It's only a couple of pats before Roxas withdraws his hand and stuffs it into the pocket of his hoodie. Even with it getting warmer, it was still easier to hide things this wearing it.

He nods as he looks down. "Yeah... can you stay with me till we get to Sora?"

Nageki's startled, blinking at the contact. Why is Roxas doing that? It's weird and he's not used to it but he thinks it's good?

"I'd like that. I can wait for you there, too..." Since he's friends with, and worried about, both of them.

Roxas pulls down his hood, glad that it hid some of the blush on his cheeks. "I don't know... Sora gets really clingy, meaning he's gonna make me sit on the bed with him." Thinking about someone else being in the room for that is somehow an embarrassing thought. It wasn't like that in Koriko. He had roommates, shared his futon with some of the others. This place was definitely different.

He takes a deep breath and looks up. "L-Let's go. You said you wanted to know about Koriko, right?"

"Is that strange?" He doesn't know how things work, but he wouldn't think that's weird. In his life he would've loved to have been that close to someone else, but his body only allowed him and those around him so much. And while here is different... here is so lonely....

"Only if you want to talk about it. I'd like to listen."

"Huh? You don't think it's weird?" Maybe Sora would restrain himself with someone else in the room. Or it could get worse. No, Roxas doesn't want to think about that right now. He might lose his courage to go back. "I'll think about it when we get there."

He shrugs as he starts to walk. "I don't even know where to start... I guess my first few days? It was in March. Wasn't that warm, so the work uniform was drafty. I met Aqua there on my first day when I was almost drowned by a kappa in a bathtub... I switched work as fast as I could. Farm work was a lot more fun, but I had no idea where all those baby animals came from when I got there until they had me help with the births." He shudders. "My first month there went by really quickly."

"I wouldn't know if it was or not. I haven't been around many people..." That's something he'll have to puzzle through.

He follows a step behind Roxas. "... It sounds like it was dangerous." To nearly die on your first day... And Nageki at least understands how biology works. That would've startled someone who did't know, though...

Roxas pats Nageki's head again. It's fine. It'll be a learning experience for them both.

"It could have been worse. I met Sora at Aqua's birthday party. Not this Sora. A different Sora. I hated him, but he managed to make me like him. Even though he complained a lot, he worked on the farm with me. Sora isn't a morning person, but he did it. Sometimes he was awake before me... I made a really good friend named Aki. She taught me to cook. Linos taught me that no matter what, a real friend would stick with you through everything. Ewen taught me how to ride a horse! Hane was like a big sis to me, and Aqua and Terra were like my parents. Ven told me why I looked like him, and Vanitas never liked me. Eater was really nice tob hang out with and we broke into a pet shop. King Mickey helped me understand a lot about what I was." He looks up at the sky as they walked. "And then there was Shiro..."

He's doing that a lot and Nageki is still so confused...

"You met a lot of good people there." He wonders if it's like his experience here. He's learned so much from everyone around him. Even Joshua, who he's not close with and he doesn't understand... Everyone's taught him something and it's culminated in feeling things...

It's physical affection. Read up on it.

"Yeah." He has a blush on his cheeks now. "Shiro was my favorite. I liked her since... I think a little while after her birthday? I didn't know what the feeling was since I don't have my own heart. It took a while, but she confessed to me, and we started dating... That place made me feel things I didn't even have a name for, like love. It was really confusing sometimes. Even after a year there, this place here is still giving me new feelings."

He might actually do that...

There are a lot of things he thinks at that revelation. The first thing that comes to mind is Hiyoko and their maybe date, and he pushes that out of his head because there's a weird uncomfortable moment where he can feel his own heartbeat. The second is that he has not met a Shiro and that Roxas is speaking in past tense. Oh. She's not here. The third is wondering how he can not have a heart.

He doesn't quite know where to start. "Do you really not have a heart?" Yeah the last point that makes him seem callous. Perfect?

He's very happy she's not here right now. With this Sora and how bad this place can be, he doesn't want to think of hurting her.

It's a question he's gotten often. "No. The piece I have is Sora's. I never had my own, so I'm a Nobody. What's left of someone who has their heart stolen. Sora's heart was powerful enough that I was created. Naminé, too. We're not supposed to exist. I'm not supposed to be here, not while Sora is. Something I read a while back said something like 'One can't survive while the other is alive', and it's like that."

He doesn't like that. He doesn't like it at all. He stops in his tracks, looking dead at Roxas. Everything about that is wrong. Every implication of it is wrong. He's being given so much information. He doesn't like the term Nobody when it refers to his friends, he doesn't like the idea that Sora's heart has been stolen in the past, he doesn't like the idea that there's a level of "supposed" attached to Roxas's existence.

He hates feelings. Take them back. He doesn't want them.

"You're both here, though."

When Nageki stops, he stops. Ah. He must have said something to upset his friend. This line of conversation always did that.

"I know. And I'm happy." He lets out a soft laugh. "Back in our world... He's going to make it where I'm my own person. He said so himself. I'll have my own heart! It just is gonna take a lot for that to happen." Sora knows it won't be easy, but Roxas is patient. "That way it'll be like here. We can always be together but as different people."

He can't help being upset. Sora and Roxas are, like, his favorite people. They are the closest things Nageki has to the understanding of "best friend." Knowing only one should be around.... it would upset anyone.

"If anyone can do it, it's probably him." But in that meantime, Roxas still won't... "In that world, too. I'd like you both to be happy."

But he hasn't started walking again.

Roxas had been jealous and spiteful towards Sora. 'Why him?' 'Why does he get everything and I don't?' Those thoughts slowly turned into 'He's the one who has to do it, and all I can do is help him find his way.'

"He's the only one who can. I know that better than anyone." He fidgets as he looks down. "I used to hate Sora. I don't anymore. He's too hard to hate."

He starts walking again, hoping Nageki follows.

Sora's just one of those people who can do things like that. It takes Nageki a minute to follow again. There's compicated feelings rising from this conversation. If Sora's able to do that, that means he's able to go back to his world. Which is good. But that means the relationships Nageki has are transient.

He's silent this time. He doesn't know what to say. His chest is just going through what feels like a complete and total self-destruction.

"... You wanted to know about Koriko and I'm talking about Sora. Sorry." Roxas sighs and slows down. "I keep telling you the good things."

It's easier. The bad things still haunt him. He hates thinking and dreaming about them.

"You don't need to tell me about the bad things." Nageki does not want to be a thing that hurts him more.

"But wasn't that the point? Talk about why I'm holding things in?" He's not too keen on it, honestly. Sora and the other Roxas know the details of his death. Sora knows why he's scared of the dark.

"I guess I shouldn't think about them right now. It's making my head hurt... I told Sora this, but I got stuck as a cat once. It wasn't that great."

"It was the point. But I don't want to make you feel worse." The point moreso was to make him feel better and more comfortable.

Roxas as a cat though... "You are very cat like..." And Nageki is a bird. This is food for thought.

"Maybe some other time." If ever.

"I am?" The other Sora and his current one both seemed to think so, too. The other Sora told him that before Roxas got turned into one. "I don't get how." Don't worry, this cat won't eat you, friend.

"I'm good at listening. Maybe not helping, but I like to listen." He wants you to trust him, too, a little.

"You're very grouchy, but you're still the kind of person who needs to be around others. It's very cat like." He means it as a compliment.

Talking about his death is draining. It leaves him in a bad mood for a while. But one day, maybe he;ll have the courage to tell someone else about it. He nods slightly. "I'll think about it."

Grouchy. Needs to be around others. Cats could be moody, too... Great. Now he's not going to ever unsee this. "... Don't let Sora know you said this. He might tease me about it."

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