[CLOSED]

[subtract]

Who: Add, Ludger, Jakob, Data-Roxas, Raichi
Where: Somewhere in the Near Shore
When: May 1st, late evening
What: Add needs help, but he's too stupid to ask for it.
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, probably some violence, eyes being in places that eyes don't belong, etc. Will update as needed.

Add noticed the spreading blight a couple days ago, after he found out what happened to Axel, and by now it's become clear that it isn't going away. He tried covering it up, searching desperately for some alternate solution, but it's only becoming harder and harder to hide—it's all over his arms, his back, creeping up his neck. And where the corruption is deepest there are eyes staring back at him, buried deep in his skin like parasites.

What do you do when your shinki becomes corrupted by their sins? You can release them, kill them, or they can confess all of their sins. Those are the only options for removal. He remembers seeing it asked about before. None of them are options he wants to consider. Only one choice gives him even a chance of survival, but for what? If he confesses, they'll know what he did. They'll know everything. That he's a selfish, reckless person, an irresponsible shinki, that he's done nothing but try to hurt the people who care about him over and over...

So his only options are to be hated and punished, or to rot away and die. If they even give him a choice at all. Maybe they'd just put him down immediately after seeing how far its spread.

Thinking about it makes him stomach churn. There has to be another way, something he can do on his own to fix all of this...

But his time is running out, and he's not sure how much of it he has left. When he peeks at the network and sees an anonymous post asking about blight, though, he knows he can't go back. His god's style of text is distinctive enough for him to be certain.

So... he can't go back. He doesn't know what to do, so instead of heading home he keeps walking further and further away, losing himself in the winding city streets. It's getting dark out. He's tired, it's dangerous to be out at this hour alone, but he can't even think about returning to the temple. He pushes himself forward, head hung low and arms gripped tightly around his chest.

Comments

[soindebt]

Ludger had been wondering why there was a lack of noise coming from Add's room, or hearing the other man coming home in the first place. He doesn't know if he should be worried. Add may have finally worn himself down enough to sleep?

It's still strange. There's the smell of fresh cookies in the air, and no Add trying to 'sneak' some out of the jars in the kitchen. May hadn't seemed to want to get near the door... so Ludger figures it was because Add wasn't here. He sighs and walks over to the door and knocks. And knocks. And then finally bangs on the door. Still nothing... "Add?" Maybe he should wait for now...

A few hours later and Add still not being home actually cranks up the worry meter to the point where Ludger is off to find Jakob. It's late, but who cares. Someone is missing. If Jakob's still awake, then he'll see Ludger looking for him. If not, then there will be knocking on his door. Either way, Ludger looks concerned.

"Have you seen Add?"

[gentilitea]

Jakob is still up and relishing the respite from Add’s immediate presence, for what it’s worth. In his limited experience the only time he can afford to worry about Add is if he makes a ruckus; and since he barely even sleeps, he’s confident that he can catch Add whenever he’s off doing something stupid again.

Right now he’s sitting in the kitchen, with a kettle boiling for tea, as he sits on a stool and busies himself with the knitting when he notices Ludger passing by.

“Up late, are we?” He doesn’t look up from his knitting. “And no, I have not. I presume he’s been tinkering away in his room again.”

[soindebt]

Ludger as no idea why the people in this temple have such weird habits. Nothing beats knowing your god might just be watching you sleep because he himself doesn't need to...

He shakes his head, looking around the kitchen. Not a single sign that Add has been in this room recently. Everything is where it should be, even the lid of the cookie jar.

"He's not here. Never came home."

[gentilitea]

Jakob immediately stops, needles hanging in midair, the kettle whistling a tune that will remain largely ignored in light of the news. He sighs, putting away his knitting and getting to his feet.

“I suppose we will have to go look for him,” he replies, grudgingly. Normally, he’d leave the asshole well enough alone, but if Ludger’s concerned, then it’s likely that Lord Roxas is, too. And Jakob doesn’t really like the idea of Roxas fretting over yet another one of Add’s foolish antics.

“He won’t be hard to find, I’m sure. Apocalypse is rather difficult to miss.” And he’s always with dad, even.

[soindebt]

Ludger nods, not even having thought of Apocalypse. It was a good point. Apo always was with Add. Like some strange little cat cube guardian. Wait. Hmm...

"Is Apocalypse here?"

Apocalypse was also meant to guard the temple. There was a slight chance that he was here. Maybe they could use killer cat cube to track the wayward shinki.

[gentilitea]

“We’ll soon find out.” And if Add is in any serious danger, it’ll probably try to alert them both, wouldn’t it?

But as he steps out of the kitchen and peers among the hallways, he can’t help but ask: “I do not wish to alarm you Ludger, but…have you seen any suspicious stains while you were searching for him? Such as bloodstains, or ink spatters…that sort of thing?”

[soindebt]

Suspicious stains? Ludger can't think of any more stains than usual. Which was none. Add was very terrifyingly clean all the time. So he has to shake his head at that. If there was, he would have tracked Jakob down much faster. They both kept this place meticulous.

He follows the other man, looking around, trying to see if he missed anything. "You think he's hurt?" Wait. Add hiding. Add hiding in a place that's not his room. "Is he blighted?"

[gentilitea]

Hell, there’s a reason why Jakob’s sitting pretty in the kitchen just knitting instead of scrubbing already spotless floors to begin with.

But that’s not important. Hearing the dreaded B-word gets him to stop mid-stride, and without looking back at Ludger, he replies, very carefully, “It…may be something to consider.”

It’s one thing to expect plain old injuries, but quite another to…well. It’s not as if he’s never thought that Add would get himself into that kind of trouble, but for it to become a reality, for Roxas to maybe have to deal with that…

“Let us hurry.” He’s already walking a bit more briskly down the hallways, searching for signs of Apocalypse or Add somehow popping out of the woodwork and cackling at them for their stupidity. He’s seriously hoping for the latter right now.

[hexahedron]

Add is still nowhere to be seen, but Apocalypse is patrolling the hallway near Add's room, drifting along leisurely. It halts as soon as the two shinki enter its line of sight.

Maybe a bit timidly? It's hard to tell, what with it being a cube and all. After a pause its cat features flicker on, staring at them. Hello friends!!

[cloak]

Roxas is used to dealing with pain. He was made for hurt, as he's so bluntly stated so many times in the past, so passively that others were left to wonder and worry. But the worst of all pain to him was always the deeply emotional sort: loss and betrayal chief among these. He knows these feelings intimately because his original does, coded into the very essence of what he is, because his understanding of these things allowed him to perform the one function for which he had been created.

Here and now, the pain he is experiencing is something that assaults him from all fronts. He feels Add's guilt and anxiety stabbing incessantly into his awareness, and their prominence seems to mount upon itself as time wears on. Within the span of a day he feels it grow in severity to the point that he can barely move, drained of strength in a way he hasn't ever experienced before.

He knows by then that something is very wrong. It's not the typical pain he's long since become accustomed to enduring. The blight won't wash away anymore. And the only solution is confronting Add, something he can't imagine will go very well.

His shinki aren't around when he gets to dragging himself around the temple, but he makes preparations regardless. One person he can ask is his original, though he's reluctant to do so. He does it because while he was offered assistance by a native god, he doesn't know her, and the information she'd provided was more than enough. It's a labor to call his original, but he does, and he secures assistance more easily than he'd expected. After that...

After that, it's a matter of finding his shinki.

Roxas gets about as far as rolling down the stairs, coming to rest on the floor with a flat, weary groan. How is it that Add always manages to get himself into trouble like this...? It's a marvel, really. But no matter how much trouble he is, he's the first and best friend Roxas has ever had. That much is enough to motivate him, slowly picking himself up. If an ablution will save Add, then he'll make it happen, and no force in the worlds will get in his way.

He'd nearly lost Add to the darkness once, he isn't about to let it have him now.

[subtract]

By the time the trio of shinki arrive at the temple, Add has all but completely given up. This is it. He can't escape them, he's going to be forced to confess to everything. He stops mumbling once they reach the temple gates, falling into a resigned silence.

What's going to happen to him? After they humiliate him... that might finally be enough to push Roxas' hand. No god would want to hang onto a shinki that actively harms them. He has other shinki he can rely on... and Add has hurt them now, too. If he's responsible for his shinki, then wouldn't it be logical to cut loose the one that's causing so many issues for the others?

His anxious thoughts are interrupted by Ludger suddenly dropping his lower half, leaving him to hang from Jakob's arms. He looks up, and the reason why becomes immediately obvious. Roxas is collapsed on the floor.

Seeing the results of his selfishness only makes him feel worse, but he can't tear his eyes away. He stares helplessly at his blighted god, sending more waves of guilt his way.

[gentilitea]

When Ludger drops him Jakob nearly follows suit, although he doesn’t dare pry himself from Add no matter how terrified he is at that moment. Terror, after all, is a lot better than guilt, which would otherwise gnaw at him for failing to protect his master despite such unprecedented circumstances.

Instead he lowers Add to the floor for the time being, watching Ludger’s retreating back before looking away. He already knows what Roxas is going through. Seeing his blighted god would only give him more reason to feel guilty, which is a luxury they can’t very well afford right now.

“How is he?”—addressing Ludger, and in a strained voice, adds, “Is it…too late?”

[soindebt]

Ludger is hesitant with his own blighted hands to touch Roxas. Though if Add is that bad, Roxas has to be worse. He gently helps his god up, letting him lean on the taller man for whatever support the little god might need. Ludger doesn't even care anymore about the pain he's in. There's too many people to be worried about at the moment.

He looks over at Jakob, his face showing how unsure he was. One thing was certain: They have to act fast. His face and demeanor are a lot more serious now.

"We need holy water. A lot of it." What else. There was something on the network he saw before about what to do.... "And another shinki."

[cloak]

Roxas has made stubborn efforts to upright himself, with little success. After a point he's sure that all of his shinki are hurt on some level, and to his mounting frustration he can barely move to help them. It's his responsibility to keep them safe and mind their well-being, and decorating the floor isn't helping him achieve any of these objectives. Yet his body feels so heavy that he can't quite manage to pick himself up.

Jakob's voice drifts into his awareness, and he almost wonders who he's talking about. When Ludger starts picking him up, though, he has his answer. His initial reaction is a weak attempt to flinch away, concerned first with the prospect of blighting his shinki and tottering unsteadily as a result.

Once he gets a good look at Ludger's arms though...

"Water's in the fridge," he states, reminding himself not to touch his shinki's blighted arm lest he make it worse. Are all of them blighted now? The notion strikes him as nothing short of outright failure, even as he wavers on his feet. Another shinki...that part floats into his awareness after a delay. "...I called my original."

This wasn't something he wanted to trouble Sora with, and he couldn't get a hold of Naminé. His original wouldn't worry unnecessarily for him.

[subtract]

Add sinks to the floor, still unable to look away. Roxas is hurt, badly. It's strange to see their god in such a vulnerable state. He's usually the one looking out for them, holding up calmly even under the most dangerous conditions. Now he's barely holding up at all.

... All of this is Add's fault. All of them are hurt because of him. The blight doesn't even hurt him—he's the cause of it, he might as well be called an ayakashi at this point. He finally pulls his gaze away to look down at himself, the eyes on his arms staring back.

[gentilitea]

That look on Ludger’s face doesn’t really help matters, and he looks away once more when Roxas speaks up, gently extricating himself from his grip on Add and standing up.

“I will get them right away.” The water, he means. If they still need another shinki when he returns, then he’ll go out and get them, too, but right now he feels far too unwell to really multitask as is his wont, and moreover, removing himself from the scene gives him time to realize that he’s been crying—that despite his best attempts at self-composure he can feel the tears already begin to run and he can’t even wipe them off, lest he get the blight upon his eyes as well.

[soindebt]

Ludger looks around for a moment before picking his god up as nicely as he could without touching more blighted areas. Roxas better not complain about being placed on a chair and fussed over. Ludger feels useless at the moment even though he's been doing quite a lot of the work. Once the fussing is done, he moves over to Add and picks the other up like a football to carry over closer to their god. Everyone should stick close together. Add shouldn't sorry since Ludger doesn't plan on dropping him.

There's worry on his face again as he waits on Jakob to come back. Please let there still be time to save everyone...

AFTER THE ABLUTION

[subtract]

The blight is cleaned away, and Add is left with no secrets. They know everything now. All his sins, all his mistakes. Surprisingly, Roxas chooses not to strip him of his name as well, but the action strikes him as more soft-hearted than kind. He's too devoted to his role as a god, too selfless and blindly loyal to his shinki. Even when they don't deserve that loyalty...

The past few days have been nothing but draining, so Add retreats straight to his room at the first opportunity. Sleep is an alluring option, but he still feels too anxious to relax and instead he ends up checking his body for blight again. He's still clean, and it eases his nerves just a little once he sure. He's fine. Roxas is fine.

But for how much longer...? Admitting to something doesn't change the fact that it happened. It doesn't guarantee it won't happen again, either.

He lays on his bed in the darkness, staring silently at the ceiling as he grapples with his thoughts. He's not falling asleep anytime soon.

[cloak]

During the ablution, Add had confessed to quite a few things. Most of them were pretty well expected, if only because so much of Roxas' brief existence had been spent around Add. He knew his friend's inclinations, and he knew without the memories he'd accumulated in Monad that it would be easy for him to repeat his past mistakes. It was something that he'd tried to help mitigate as best he could. Without being able to really elaborate or explain, however, he's not entirely surprised that his efforts only yielded so little.

The worst of it was knowing that the fate that had befallen Axel was due to Add's ideas. He knew his friend to be reckless, but something like that... Although Axel wasn't his best friend, he still feels an old familiar ache at the loss, something knotting in his stomach at the thought of his original learning this. And he's sure that he will, which is liable to end only one way.

His original's rage is something he's experienced keenly for himself, and he knows that will be the natural response, no matter how he might have changed. What could Add do in the face of that, with the difference of power?

There's nothing for it, he supposes. He'll simply have to protect Add, whatever that takes.

These thoughts are far too easy to slip into and ruminate on. That is, when they're not interrupted by the uneasy, nagging sensation tugging at the edges of his awareness. He knows that his shinki must be brooding, and given recent events, he's quite sure he knows exactly which of the three to credit this sensation to. Back in Monad, something had happened to Add after his hard reset. He'd been oddly calm back then, as though his feelings were muted or void. Now, what he's sensing is entirely too pensive to be the same.

Eventually when it seems this won't resolve itself, he simply appears in Add's room, seated on a vacant space on his desk. "...You're brooding," he states, to the point as one might expect of him.

[subtract]

He jolts a little at the sudden voice, looking over to see the familiar cloaked figure sitting on his desk. After surprise, his feelings immediately turn to a pang of guilt. He sits up.

"I'm sorry," Add mumbles out quickly. Apologies are a bit easier to manage now, at least, having just poured his heart out in front of everyone not too long ago. More importantly, he doesn't want to accidentally blight Roxas again so soon. "I'll... try not to. To brood."

... if something like that would even be serious enough to blight. He has no idea, but it's better to play it safe, right? Why else would Roxas come to him if not for that? He glances off to the side, fidgeting nervously.

[cloak]

"...That's impossible." Roxas says as much easily with a dismissive wave of one gloved hand, because he's certain of the veracity of that statement. It's not possible for Add to stop thinking, it's just the kind of person he is, and so he doesn't think that it's within his power to decide not to brood. There are just too many thoughts and feelings his friend carries around for that to be reasonable expectation.

He lets his hand drop, crossing his legs so he can rest his elbows on his knees as he leans forward. Since they're in the confines of the temple, he's wearing the kitty pajamas Ludger gave him, having accepted that these are good and fashionable equipment. Since Add's wearing something not dissimilar, this seems to be the correct conclusion to have drawn.

"I'd rather you be yourself than pretend to be something else," he tacks on after one of his generally lengthy pauses, having decided that elaboration might be beneficial. Add may be unsure of himself now, after everything, but Roxas' confidence hasn't gone anywhere. His friend is the same person he always has been, and if he's learned from these experiences, at least it's come without threatening the stability of the world itself this time.

[subtract]

He winces slightly at Roxas' response. He can't be sure how he should interpret it, if Roxas is trying to encourage him or leading into a change of heart. What's really impossible is trying to read Roxas, and right now it's especially frustrating when he's in such a vulnerable position. Roxas could simply disown and abandon Add whenever he chooses.

But that isn't something Roxas would do. At least, that's what evidence has suggested so far... and maybe Add wants to believe in it, too, even if he's afraid of being let down—of letting Roxas down.

He hesitates for a long moment, stealing short glances at his god before looking away again. His voice is soft and uncertain, almost too quiet to hear.

"What if I'm not a good person?"

[cloak]

It's a concern that Roxas actually does find vaguely surprising, and he watches him uncertainly for a brief while. His silence isn't because he doesn't have an answer, but rather in appreciation of the weight of such a question. As a made thing, Roxas has never had to concern himself with whether he is or is not a good person. Ultimately, he doesn't regard himself as one to start with, measuring his value by his fulfillment of his purpose, but...

Add is a person with a heart. Divorced from his memories of his past and his experiences, all he has to go by are the feelings that remain in his heart and his short tenure in this world.

"You have a lot of darkness in your heart," he answers frankly, knowing he can because the ablution is plenty excuse for him to know this. There's no risk of causing Add harm by telling him something he couldn't know. "But there's a light in there too... One that won't go out."

There is good in Add, and he's always been able to sense this much, because of what he is and the world he comes from. He's sure that if Riku were around, he'd be able to feel it too, even if he couldn't put it to words. Of those this world had drawn in, Riku had a sensitivity toward the balance of darkness and light, surely owed to his own experiences. "It's not a theory...it's something I know."

Although Add often pretended his own goodness was for his convenience, it was assuredly there. The man who had given him a purpose where he had none and refused to treat him as an empty automaton. The same man who had attempted to save the corrupted data of a tiny world, so they might not lose anyone else...

Maybe there was selfishness in these things, but there was kindness too.

[subtract]

He sighs quietly, slouching forward. If the best he can come up with is a cheesy metaphor like that...

"Just because there's good in someone doesn't make them a good person," he answers coldly. "I'm... not a good person. Or a good shinki. You know that's true."

But Roxas is still kind to him. Is it just because he's programmed that way? Ludger and Jakob have been kind to him, too... although, he's not sure how they feel about him now. He gave them plenty of new reasons to hate him. But despite all of that, Roxas doesn't seem to feel any differently. Roxas, who was affected the most by Add's sins and failures.

Whether he calls it kindness or blind obligation, any other god would've thrown Add to the curb by now. He should feel grateful, but if the only reason he's still here is because his god is too nice to let him go... what does that really say about Add?

He wilts, hugging his chest tightly.

"... You already have two good shinki. You don't need someone like me."

He's worthless. Dead weight. No one's ever going to want him, so what's the point? All he's doing is dragging Roxas down and getting in the way.

[cloak]

Roxas puffs out an unnecessary, vexed breath. It's difficult to make Add understand when there's only so little that he can safely say. What happened to Axel only drives the point home: he has to be careful, so he doesn't want to do anything that puts him at risk. At the same time it cements the now familiar frustration he has with being unable to pick and choose when he's cryptic and when he's direct.

"You're a better person than you think you are," he hedges, though he can only wonder what Add would think of himself if he knew his full history. As someone inherently aligned against darkness, it might be strange that Roxas became friends with someone who carries so much around, but he's ever aware of the light that's there too. No matter how inconsequential or silly it might seem to Add, it is important. It does matter.

The suggestion that he doesn't need Add gives him a fuller sense of just what he's been ruminating over. He leans more heavily on his elbows as he considers that, thoughtful frown pressing his lips into a taut line. There are so many things he wishes that he could say, and yet he can't.

Sometimes, he hates the limitations of this one, small world.

"You're not important to me because you're my shinki," Roxas finally says, lacking the social awareness to look anywhere but right at Add as he speaks, blue eyes locked right on him. "You're important because you're you."

His best friend, even if he can't say so.