thenearshore | /man in black lyrics

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/man in black lyrics

Who: Gojyo and anyone who wants to stop by!
What: Hanging out, having adventures, engaging in healthy coping habits
When: Any time of any day from May 12-15ish
Where: chez Dinosaur
Warnings: Homo-antagonistic language in the Niles thread.

He's never going to sleep again. Which is fine -- he knows from experience that he can go weeks on end with only a few hours of sleep snatched here and there between youkai attacks. It won't kill him. He doesn't even feel all that tired, not really. He more feels like he's asleep and dreaming than anything else -- everything is at a bit of a distance and his reactions are slowed, like the air's gone thicker or something. Like he's a little drunk, even though he hasn't touched a drop since his return. It's weird and unsettling, but he's sure it'll wear off. And even if it doesn't, it's not something to bother anybody with. He's been enough of a bother already.

So during the day, he sticks close to Hakkai -- he's worried the other man enough already by vanishing, so it's the least he can do to stay near (and if that means running errands or sitting quietly in the back of the classroom while school is in session, he supposes that he can manage). And at night, when he wakes after only an hour or two of sleep, he tracks down Asshole and drags the half-man out to the porch with him, for company while he smokes pack after pack and watches the moon.

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"You know, for a shinki you're kinda disrespectful," Gojyo grumbles, but there's no real anger in his voice. Far from it -- his tone is more that of a man being offered something he didn't know he wanted, and isn't entirely sure he's allowed to accept. "Aren't you lot supposed to be all about doin' what your gods tell you to?"

"Of course, if it doesn't endanger them," Yamato agrees easily, raising an eyebrow. "When haven't I?"

You sure ain't Commander-kun, Gojyo.

Gojyo just snorts at that.

"If it doesn't endanger them? What, you think you know how they should act better'n they do? Even though they've got their memories and you don't?" He's still not intending to be cruel, although somebody who didn't know him well might easily assume he's being a dick just to be a dick.

Behind Yamato, Asshole has faded back into the house. He won't go far, though -- there's plenty of things he can do in the hallway to keep himself busy and near his master, just in case he's needed.

Strangely enough, Yamato doesn't seem to mind his authority (so to speak) being questioned. Maybe it's because he doesn't really care what Gojyo thinks, maybe he's assuming Gojyo doesn't understand shinki, or maybe it's because he's just that confident that he's in the right--whatever it is, he simply laughs.

"Protecting and guiding our gods is a shinki's purpose," he points out, and yeah, maybe he's standing just a little bit straighter. Questioning his ability to protect Shepard, now that might hit a sore spot. But this... "Even if it wasn't, I know what Commander-kun asked of me. If I let her needlessly endanger herself, she'd be better off getting rid of me." What good is a sword that can't cut? They aren't his words, but the idea is embedded in him so deeply that he doesn't even flinch as he speaks. If he can't protect her, then he's failed at his very reason for existing. He'd rather be abandoned than let that happen--and he really, really, really doesn't want to be abandoned.

But as far as he's concerned, it's a nonissue to begin with. "She would never throw herself into a dangerous situation unprepared anyway. But sometimes protecting her from herself is my job too. I'd always choose that over doing what she told me to do, she knows that."

A shinki's purpose, huh? Sure, he knew that -- at least, he'd been told that shinki were intended as their gods' moral compasses. But he'd blown that off as some old god bullshit.

Yams isn't an old god, though. And now that he's thinking about it, the way Hakkai had been with Elsa had been... intense. That's the word he wants all right: intense devotion. And they aren't the only example, either. There's people on the network every day talking about how amazing (or stupid) their gods are.

Is it something inherent in being a shinki, that devotion?

"And if she did get hurt," he muses, waving a hand a half-second later in Yamato's direction. "Not because of anything you did, but because something happened and you couldn't protect her." His cigarette is one long column of ash, but he doesn't seem to notice. "What would you do?"

Immediately, Yamato's face closes off; there is a limit to what he'll discuss about his god, it seems, and Gojyo's hit it. Yamato has never had any reason to be deceptive or subtle, but even a blind man could see the tension gathering in his shoulders and the way his hands clench before he forces them to relax. His eyes narrow, and despite the blade at his hip he looks more like a cat with its ears flattened than anyone particularly dangerous. (Then again, Gojyo has seen him fight.)

"What does it matter to you?" he says, his tone vaguely accusatory. "You don't care about your shinki anyway."

Dang. Well, that sure answers that question! Gojyo leans back slowly, feigning casualness as he lights a new cigarette with the butt of the old.

"I'm not askin' about me," he says, before he can convince himself of just how stupid an idea this is. "It's Hakkai's new god. Guy's dumb as a bag of rocks and keeps gettin' himself into trouble." Like the trouble he'll be in when this stupid stupid ruse is discovered. "Pickin' fights, getting kidnapped, that kinda thing."

He shrugs, like it's no big deal, and blows a long cloud of smoke toward the vine-covered patio ceiling.

"Hakkai's a good guy, a good shinki. I don't want to see him get hurt because of some loser."

Yamato glares for a little bit longer, but he accepts that, more or less. Whether he believes it or not is another matter (he's simple, not stupid), but his concern for Hakkai's well-being overrides his desire to simply turn around and leave.

"Hakkai-kun is more than capable of taking care of himself and his god," he says slowly. "As long as his god takes care of him and uses him properly, so that he can be the best shinki he can be, I don't think he would mind getting hurt or dying for them." Which is probably the exact opposite of what Gojyo wants to hear, but Yamato doesn't say it like it's a bad thing. They're tools, meant to protect and care for their gods. If they get hurt or break--that is, die, doing their duty, then that's the best possible way they could go. Yamato would always choose to sacrifice himself to protect Shepard, no matter her orders. From the way Hakkai had been with Elsa, he figures the same is true for him too.

But he sighs, grudgingly considering the question. "If I were Hakkai-kun and my god was being reckless and stupid, I would tie them down so they couldn't go anywhere." IS HE JOKING that is up to you, dear reader, to decide for yourself. "Hakkai-kun is very smart. If his god has any sense at all, they'll keep him close by." Easy enough to say, but Shepard had disappeared, and what had he done? She'd come back bloody and dying, and where had he been? He casts a glance over his shoulder, to where he's sure the other, silent shinki is lurking nearby. What a good shinki. "I think it would be very difficult for Hakkai-kun to forgive himself if something happened to his god, even if it wasn't his fault. I just hope they know that and care about him enough to try and be careful."

Surprisingly, it's not the idea that Hakkai might die for him that's so upsetting (it's upsetting, don't ever doubt that, but since they started their little roadtrip they've all been ready to die for one another. It's not really a shock to hear somebody suggest it at this point). Instead, it's the part where Yamato is really gung-ho about shinkis being used by their gods that grates on Gojyo's nerves.

"You're really into that, aren't you?" he asks; he meant it to be a sneer, but his expression is mostly just kinda sad. "Bein' a... a thing, for your god to use." He pointedly doesn't look at the silent shinki standing a respectful distance behind Yamato. Asshole doesn't talk in any form, person or sword, and Gojyo has no idea what he thinks of all of this. If he even thinks at all. "Livin' to serve and all that."

"Of course," Yamato answers easily. Gojyo isn't really someone he's keen to have this discussion with, but after his conversations with Axel and Ayumu, he's trying his best not to shy away from conflicting opinions.

From what he's seen, most of the new shinki (and probably many of the old guard) consider "shinki" to be the role they play. It's a job, more or less, completely separate from who they are as a person. How many times has Yamato been told "you're your own person", or something like it?

Too many. It makes him uncomfortable every single time.

Being a shinki, a weapon in Shepard's hands--that is his identity, as far as he's concerned. How exactly is he supposed to know who he is, if he can't define himself by his master? He doesn't understand it well enough to really put it into words, so he just drops his gaze to his sword. "I don't understand why so many people think it's a bad thing."

Gojyo follows Yamato's gaze, and has a moment of shock. That sword's not a person, is it? But no, the only shinki here is Yams, and a shinki wouldn't be carrying another shinki. ...He doesn't think so, anyway.

"It's not a bad thing, really," Gojyo attempts, sounding absolutely unconvincing. Crap. He shakes his head and tries again. "I mean, look at all the other shinki. Even though none of you remember who you were, you're all still different, right? You've all kept whatever it is that makes you you, so it's natural for some of 'em to fight against people telling 'em what to do and it's natural for you to be okay with... with standin' beside somebody," which is the most diplomatic way he can phrase it. "You're all just bein' true to who you are."

He can't help but look over Yamato's shoulder at Asshole, his expression unreadable. He quickly looks away. "Most of you, anyway. ...So hey, if you like bein' a sword, then be a sword! I'm sure not gonna stop you."

Gojyo is right to assume that his sword isn't a person, but not for the reasons he might expect. When Shepard had taken him to choose his weapon, Yamato had intentionally chosen the newest blade, the only one that didn't thrum with a life of its own. It's completely hypocritical, but it doesn't feel right to him, to have something living under his command. He's no god.

He gives Gojyo a tired look, but it lacks any venom or suspicion. You tried, Gojyo... he recognizes that, even if he might not acknowledge it. He even sits down, finally walking over to sink down into one of the chairs. The sword is slipped from his side and set to rest by his feet--he probably won't need to use it, but it never hurts to be ready for anything. He sits a little awkwardly, like he's not particularly comfortable in chairs, but at least that poor attempt at encouragement didn't drive him away.

"And what about Hakkai-kun?" he asks. That's who this conversation is really about, isn't it? Yamato has no delusions that Gojyo cares about him or his beliefs. "Have you asked him how he feels? What being a shinki means to him?"

He's quiet for a minute, gathering his thoughts, and when he continues his voice is softer. "For me... it's everything. It's why we're here, isn't it? Whoever we were when we lived... that person died. We were lucky enough to be given this chance at a new purpose. It's our entire reason for existing. If I couldn't call myself Mórrígan-sama's shinki, then what right do I have to even be here?" None, as far as he's concerned. If he isn't fulfilling his duty to her, then he doesn't deserve to be a shinki at all. "Commander-kun has always treated me with care and love. Being given the chance to protect her in return, to fight with someone so strong and amazing... I don't think I could've asked for a better afterlife."

Commander Shepard is no Okita Souji. Even without his memories, it had been impossible to ignore how unsuited for each other they seemed. She'd barely even known what to do with him the first few times they fought together, despite her extensive training in a vast array of weaponry. But from the start, she's never asked him to be anything other than what he is. Even if his skill set and way of thinking are entirely antiquated, she'd never tried to change that, and together, they've done their best to navigate this strange new world. How could anyone hate that? How could anyone not want that sort of bond? No matter how many times it's explained to him, it's something he just can't comprehend. He sighs, folding his hands in his lap.

"I know you don't get it. I don't think a god could understand. But I'm not Hakkai-kun, and he might see it all very differently." It's more likely than not. The only person Yamato's ever met that really, truly shares his mindset is Souji, whose devotion to Hijikata rivals even Yamato's obsessive loyalty. "Just don't be... surprised, or upset, if he feels similarly."

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/man in black lyrics

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