thenearshore | From my rotting body flowers shall grow

Who: Tot and Jay
What: Jay's got a confession to make
When: July 15th or thereabouts. Time is... /vague handwavey motion
Where: Antheia's temple
Warnings: (Potentially graphic) discussion of murders

[ Jay is not a man who dithers. When there's a task before him, he puts his shoulder to it and doesn't stop until the task is completed. Whether it's a divine appointment like answering a prayer, or something as simple as taking out the trash, he doesn't hesitate to act.

This time, however, he's hesitating.

On the one hand, he tells himself, Tot is his god (and the god of all beauty and goodness, praise her), and the arrogance that he might conceal a thing from her is unforgivable. It is his duty, both as her most humble of servants and as her shinki, to confess to her all his actions, so that she may continue unencumbered by any possibility of blight-pain. And, too, isn't it probable that she already knows of his deeds? All-Knowing isn't one of her titles, but he wouldn't be the least bit surprised to discover that she's been aware of what he's been doing since he was brought here and placed at her feet.

But on the other hand... if she doesn't know what he's doing, then doesn't he owe it to her to permit her to maintain that plausible deniability? There are other gods here with greater strength, with magical abilities that his beautiful, gentle god doesn't possess. If they suspected that she was colluding with him in the deaths he's caused, then they might act foolishly. The very thought makes him see red.

But in that case, isn't it better that she knows everything, so that she can avoid situations where she might be questioned about his actions? Surely it's preferable for her to make that choice herself -- who is he to decide what knowledge the Almighty should possess?

...But what if she disapproves? It's this last fear, more than any other, that prevents him going immediately from the conversation on the park bench with Yukine to her side. What if she's angry that he's been killing the other gods and shinki? What if she's sad about it?

That way lies guilt, he chides himself, repenting for hours on his knees in the scorching sunlight, his shoulders and back burning to a crisp as he tenderly weeds and prunes the largest flower bed at the front of the temple. It's not his place to assume how she'll respond. He'll go to her, he finally decides, and confess fully, and bear her judgment gratefully as he should.

Decision made, he pauses only long enough to wash the blessed soil from his hands and conceal his damaged skin with a shirt before seeking her out. He kneels at her feet, head bowed, and waits for her to acknowledge him. ]

My lady. I wish to confess my sins.

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[If she'd bothered connecting one and one together, Tot might have realized sooner that something was bothering Jay. There'd been a funny buzzy feeling she'd been dealing with for a while now that she couldn't quite place. Other gods had talked about how they could feel what their shinki felt when it was really strong. The only thing she'd ever felt from either of hers was when she'd answered that prayer with Ken. Then again, they were both pretty excited the whole time so it may have just been her.

So, Tot did what she did when she didn't fully understand something - she sat down and talked it over with Rabbi-chan. He wasn't very helpful though. She reached the conclusion that she was going to have to find someone else to talk things over with when Jay came in.

Intense had been one way she'd described him once, and that opinion hadn't changed. At least she didn't giggle quite as much as she originally did when he talked to her. Since it was obviously something important, she sat up straight, put Rabbi-chan on her lap, and looked down at him.]

Tot's not sure why, but okay.

[ Jay's silent a moment longer, second- and third-guessing what she could have meant by that. She doesn't understand the danger her shinki's emotions pose to her? She doesn't feel that Jay owes her an apology because she's known of and approved of his actions all along? She doesn't consider his actions and feelings to have been sins?

Mentally, he shakes all that off. Unburden yourself, Give it up to her. ]

I have spoken with a shinki of one of the old gods. He warned me that a shinki who feels guilt, or who acts incorrectly, can cause harm to their god.

[ He considers going into detail about that harm, but just the thought of causing Tot blight is so upsetting that he bites down hard on his tongue until the impulse to speak passes. ]

I do not feel guilt, for I trust in you completely, great Tot. But I am concerned that my actions of late might have been... incorrect.

Incorrect? Like getting a math problem wrong?

[She has no idea how that would hurt her or anyone other than giving someone a headache.
Unless the problem was important and would affect a formula - that would be an issue.]

That's okay, Tot's not very good at math either. We can work on them together.

[ He truly does love her for her innocence. ]

Thank you, my lady. But I'm not troubled with a math problem just now.

[ Perhaps it would be best, in honor of her simple directness, to be simple and direct himself. ]

I have killed four people, and I intend to kill many more.

[ There. ]

[She just stares at him for a moment while trying to process what he said. Was killing people supposed to be wrong? She'd only done it before when Papa said to, but Papa wouldn't tell her to do anything bad.]

Sometimes people have to die for a greater purpose.

[ He could weep. He really could. ]

And I swear to you, this is for the greatest of all purposes! [ He dares look up at her, his face flush with excitement, eye glimmering maniacally. ] It's for you. It will make this world a better place, for you.

[ Of course she'd agree that some people need killing. Flowers feed on the corpses of their companions, and what is his goal here, other than to establish a healthy soil for her domain? ]

May I beg your blessing to continue my work?

[There are probably many who would agree with that sentiment when it comes to dealing with her - just not in Jay's range of hearing.]

As long as it's for a good reason, Tot can also help.

[Not that she has any idea if what he's doing is really good or not. The world seems like a pretty good place at the moment, although she misses Schreient and Papa.]

[ If he could bring her sisters or Papa here, he would. In a heartbeat. ]

I do this to help you, my Tot. The best aid I could ask of you is your silence. [ Which, he knows, might be asking a lot of such a friendly, kind, generous... he takes a deep breath, basking in her presence. It's getting to be an addiction, but it's not one he'll ever put aside. Who would put aside breathing? Who would put aside light itself? ] There is danger here for you. I will do what I can to keep you safe.

So it's a secret?

[She's not sure why, but she can accept that. Lots of things Schreient did were secrets as well, and she never told anyone about them!]

Tot promises not to say anything about it.

[She looks down at her rabbit and nods.]

Rabbi-chan promises too.

[Not that he ever talks to anyone but her, but that was beside the point. Jay needed to know they'd both keep quiet. His comment about danger is troubling though.]

What danger? Doesn't that mean you're in danger as well?

[ If Rabbi-chan promises, then it's a promise that will keep. Good. Jay nods gratefully and settles back on his heels. ]

I believe that we are all in danger. Your great self, your companion Nagi, and myself. [ How much information should he share? That's always the question, when talking with her glorious innocence. ] Every day newcomers given the title of god or shinki vanish. [ Tot's title, of course, is true -- everyone else was merely named a god. ] And yet, what is being done about it? Every week is a celebration, and I see more concern over romance than these disappearances.

I hope that the deaths I cause will make the others pay more attention to the disappearances, and to find a solution before anyone of value is lost.

[She's pretty sure Nagi can take care of himself, but she's not going to tell Jay that.
]

They do have a lot of parties for nothing don't they? [As much as she likes parties, even she thinks it's a bit much to have one every week. Especially when bad things happen during them.] Maybe the disappearances would stop if they stopped having so many parties? Or there'd be fewer attacks. [Too many people in one spot is just asking for trouble!]

Tot will be careful then.

[ Yes... yes, perhaps there would be fewer disappearances with fewer parties. And perhaps there would be more disappearances if they threw more parties. It's something to consider. ]

And your humble servant will consider to stand between you and danger.

[ Mostly by not telling her any details about any of the murders, and keeping them as unconnected to her as he can. ]

Thank you, Tot, for having heard me out.

From my rotting body flowers shall grow

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