thenearshore | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Yona, her shinki, and others happening to be wandering by her temple.
When: Mid-to-late July (following certain conversations among her shinki)
Where: Yona's Temple
What: Information (and volatile emotion) is being shared among Yona's three shinki and it has some less-than-pleasant side effects for their goddess.

[ It had been a few days since she'd revealed the truth behind her nightmares - and the happenings that haunted one particular chamber within her temple - to Shizuo after he'd pressed for her trust and it had given her a lot to think about as well, revisiting that place and the memories of that night. Not that she didn't still see it so vividly in her memories and nightmares, but here... she hoped that being here might be able to give her new perspective on that night.

So far, she wasn't having much luck finding it. But she hadn't spoken any more about it to anyone either, spending a few days quieter than normal and immersed in her own thoughts as she dealt with her own emotions and the grief Shizuo told her she needed time to accept. It's distracting enough that she doesn't immediately realize how much it's affected her first shinki until she feels the sharp stinging pain that she knows come from him, but feels it much more intensely this time than she has before. Giving a yelp, she drops the book she'd been holding (and definitely not paying attention to enough to be reading) to rub at the sharp pain in her upper arm.

Well. That had been decidedly unpleasant. And far worse than the stings she'd gotten from her shinki before. Troubled by that, she debated what to do and whether or not to confront him over this one, but as it seemed serious, she finally pushes herself to her feet to go looking for him. Unfortunately, he proved rather difficult to find (because she hadn't thought of the roof) and while she looks, her other two shinki have, in the meantime, discovered him. And the hole he'd left in the wall. And then got the story directly from him about why it was now there.

Which is why, in abrupt succession, There is more stinging, each more painful than the last but still annoyingly in the same spot on her upper arm as tempers flare and the negative emotions created by the information has a direct physical effect. Shizuo's own is still mixed with the guilt of having damaged her temple and the effect rebounds between the three until Yona gives a soft cry, clutching at her arm near the entrance to her temple as she staggers for a moment and leans against one of the bright crimson pillars.

Her arm throbs in a way it's never done before, the pain deep and aching, and without thinking, she draws the sleeve of her dress up to reveal the dark discoloration of Blight now staining her skin and she stares at it in alarm, completely caught off-guard. ]

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No, it didn't.

[He makes his distaste known in his voice, and it's written all over his face as well - the way his brows crease together and his eyes seem a little less bright tonight, even under the light of the moon.

Hak watches her for a while in silence, noting the way she feels closed off from him within his robes and he, too, hangs his head in both shame and at the unbearable thought of even looking at her. His jaw clenches as he fights against the twisting feeling in his gut, not sure what to make of it right now. When he speaks again, it's low, quiet and troubled.]

Do you not trust us to help you? As your shinki?

Edited 2017-06-29 14:11 (UTC)

What? No!

[ Her denial of that is quick and vehement as she spins to face him, leaning in close, horrified at being so misunderstood. ]

That's not it at all! There's no one I trust more!

[ She buries her face in her hands, quickly trying to blink back tears, because today had been horrible, between the painful Blight and her uncertainty and fear and her own guilt over what had happened. ]

I've made such a mess of this whole thing.

Yes, you have.

[They all have.

His fingers wrap around one of her wrists when she goes to bury her face in her hands, and he tugs on it to pull them away from her. He's tired of watching her like this, and he's tired of doing nothing to stop it from happening.]

And how are you going to fix it?

I don't know!

[ Don't you think she's been torturing herself with that question all day? The creeping darkness of the Blight and the deep, throbbing ache certainly haven't been helping her think clearly, either. ]

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this right. Any time I try, I only seem to make everything worse. [ She hates that it's left her feeling so confused and helpless and in turn, she's made all three of them feel this, whatever all this has sprung from. ]

[His hand falls from her wrist and he lifts a leg up to rest his elbow against it instead, trying to find a position that's comfortable for him... but nothing about any of this is comfortable at all. Between the tension in his body and in the air between them, he isn't satisfied. So he shifts until he's facing her, cross-legged with his knees touching hers.]

You didn't try.

[Even if she doesn't look at him, he holds his stare on her long enough until she does. Yeah, he's calling you out.]

None of us knew this was happening. You should have said something.

[ She gives a soft sigh, the sound choked with emotions she is trying to hold back. ]

Shizuo, he.... He takes so much responsibility onto himself. He feels guilty for accidents and things that are not his fault and things he has no control over. I can feel it, when he does. Negative emotions guilt, regrets, they... I get stung when any of you are feeling them. It wasn't so bad when they were little. I could bear with it. And I feared making Shizuo's guilt worse because it's so important to him that he keep me safe from everything, and to point out any time he stung me seemed as if it would only make his guilt over it worse, even though I did often seek him out when it happened to talk about it. But then, this morning... [ She pauses to motion at her shoulder, and what had come from it.

She hesitates and takes a deep breath, lifting her gaze uncertainly to meet his, to search his expression. ]

He told you, didn't he? About what I confided to him about back home? [ There's a note of hesitancy in her voice, because after her conversation with Yoon, bringing up anything from their entwined pasts has her terrified she will accidentally say too much and he will suffer for it. ]

[He listens carefully, his gaze remaining fixed on hers, even when she looks up at him. He keeps his expression as straight and serious as he can, bottling down and hiding whatever other emotions stir when their eyes meet.]

I asked him about the hole he left in the wall in his room and who Soo-Won is, so he told me.

[Does she even know about what he'd done? Well, whatever. Too late to take it back now, and he hopes that Shizuo's at least started patching it back up for his own sake.]

He told me about the nightmares you've been having.

The hole...? There's a hole?

[ She hadn't wandered to Shizuo's actual room yet, and so has no idea of what his reaction had been to the truths she'd give him. She looks a little startled by it, but not really all that upset. It was just a wall. That could be easily fixed.

Her shinki? Not so much. ]

Ahh. I see. I hadn't realized they were bothering him so much until he pointed it out.

There's a lot you haven't realized.

[It's said more to himself under his breath like a string of curses rather than out loud at her, and he has to bite his tongue to keep himself from speaking further on the matter.

He doesn't really care about Shizuo's wall, or even Shizuo right now. The only thing that matters to Hak is sitting across from him, in pain and suffering. Even still, he can't find it within himself to reach out to her. He chooses to keep hiding behind his anger because it's the only thing he knows how to deal with right now, and even that's a long shot.]

Did you tell Jae-Ha about this, too? About Soo-Won and the nightmares you've been having?

[ She blinks at him in surprise a moment before shaking her head. ]

No. I... hadn't realized you all knew.

[ She ducks her head at that, because had she really been so obvious?

...At least none of them had learned that was how she'd learned about her god powers, after waking several nights in a row from terrifying dreams of their deaths, having frozen her futon in her fear.

Shizuo had thought their arrival had lessened her nightmares. In truth, that had only changed them to something else she feared more. Something she now had vivid memories of that she couldn't unsee. ]

[There's that unexplainable pang of something in his chest again, and Hak withdraws away from her to put some distance between them, leaning back on his hands and rolling his head back to look up at the sky rather than at her.]

Do you want my help or not?

[If she isn't going to catch on to the reason he's here herself, then he's going to come right out and say it.]

You didn't tell me anything, so if you want me to leave you alone, say so. Otherwise, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. [Even if he has no clue what that is.]

Hak, I... [ She reaches out to him, but hesitates before making contact, an uncertainty in her moves that's even more pronounced than when he'd first arrived. She draws her hand back, tucking it against her chest as she drops her gaze. ]

I don't want you to leave me alone. There's no one I want at my side more than you. But... This place. It has put me in a difficult position. There are things I cannot tell you. Things I can't even hint at, not without dire consequences for you and for others. Anytime I share something, I'm never quite certain what I am risking by doing so and I know that probably won't make sense to you right now but please, know that it's not because I don't trust you, or that I don't want to share with you what I'm feeling or thinking.

I'm just.... afraid of what might happen if I say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way.

[He listens, letting his hair fall in front of his eyes while he watches the moon and the stars overhead. He hears her stirring when she moves and even catches a glimpse of the hand she so often reaches out to him with, and once again, she doesn't let herself touch him. And as she explains, his eyes glaze over, vision going in and out of focus like he's staring off into the distance, past what he is able to see of the stars.

If he's reading into this right – everything she's just told him – it would mean that Yona knows more about him than she lets on, and that she carries the burden of that knowledge on her shoulders along with everything else. It's a burden that no one should be forced to carry themselves.

His body moves on its own, reaching out to take her by the wrist, and he pulls her close – the same way he did several weeks before, but the movement feels more familiar this time... comforting, and still with no explanation why. That, right there – that's what's the most frustrating.]

Stop being afraid.

[ She lets him pull her close, only making a quiet sound as he does so. She's careful to keep her Blighted shoulder angled away from him, not wanting to risk spreading it to him even now, but the comfort he offers is too alluring to refuse. Not when she needs it so badly right now.

She presses her face against his shoulder, that one hand coming up again, but this time it's to clutch at the front of his robes, fingers fisting in the fabric, as if that alone would be enough to keep him this close to her.

His demand gets a tiny hysterical bubble of laughter from her, choked around the emotion in her throat as her eyes slide closed, sagging against him in relief when he doesn't push her away. ]

That's easier said than done.

[Hak holds her there, his grip firm and unafraid of the Blight that she's trying so hard to keep away from him, and his fingers come dangerously close to where the stinging has marked her in a daring move to prove it as he pulls her in closer.]

It's fine if you're afraid.

[There's a long pause that follows while he wraps a hand around the back of her head to cradle it against his chest safely.]

But stop being scared with me. Take risks with me.

[ Does he know what he's asking? Does he understand what the cost of that might be?

Her grip in his robes tightens for a moment and she gives a soft hiccup. ]

Hak...

[ The image of his body riddled with arrows as he bleeds out on top of her, remembered from his point of view, is still imprinted in her memory. So similar to the nightmares she'd had as a child, when she'd pleaded with him to spend the night with her, that she might cling to his hand as reassurance that the bad dreams weren't real, that he was safe.

Only the bad dreams were real and she had been powerless to stop it after all.

Even so, what he asks of her... she'd never really been able to deny him anything anyway, so she swallows back the tears and nods, soaking in the comfort of his hand against her head, solid and sure - the way he's always been for her. ]

I'll try. I promise I'll try. I don't know how very good I'll be, though. If anything were to happen to you...

Nothing will happen to me.

[He knows how much of a lie that is, but if it means he has to fight against whatever it is, then he will... not only because he's her shinki but because she means much more to him than that. For the longest time he had no idea why, but it's all starting to come together now. He looks down at her, staring at her fiery red hair that hides her face from him, wondering and wanting to ask how much she knows, and he hesitates for just a moment before leaning down and pressing a gentle kiss atop her head.

At the same time, his fingers move to take hold of the robes that cover her Blighted shoulder, and he carefully slides the cloth away just far enough to see it.]

We did this to you...

[ She goes still at the press of his lips to the top of her head, something so achingly familiar in the move that it makes her breath hitch audibly in her throat.

But then his hands are sliding the fabric from her shoulder and she remains frozen for an entirely different reason, all too careful not to let any of her Blighted skin come in contact with any part of him. She does her best to hide her flinch, and when she pulls back to meet his gaze once more, it's with a rueful smile as she meets his gaze. ]

I think we all had a part in this. I'm as much to blame as any of you. I'm afraid I might not be very good at being a god.

You're a terrible god.

[He leans forward and wraps an arm around her to press her against him again, not wanting her to look at him, but it's with a firm enough grip that she might not be able to pull free this time.]

You keep things to yourself, you pretend to smile when you're in pain. You have three shinki to yourself and you still carry all of your hardships alone. Why?

[ She makes a noise that's almost a protest when he agrees with her, but then again, she can't argue with herself either. Isn't that how they'd gotten into this mess? She had no idea how to be a god. Obviously, she was doing something wrong. ]

I don't... I didn't mean to carry everything alone. I didn't think I was. [ No more than she ever does, anyway. ] I guess, in comparison, it never seemed so bad that I couldn't. All of you are still new here... to this place, to each other, to me. I knew it would be difficult to adjust, I knew it wouldn't be easy. The stinging... I guess I sort of expected it, took it in stride. Who wouldn't be upset and angry about what's been done to you? I'm angry about it, even if my hands are just as tied as yours. It never occured to me to be... any differently.

[With a strength not even he realizes he's putting into it, he squeezes her shoulder.]

Are we new to you?

[Because it doesn't feel like he is. He can't speak for the other two, but he can at least recognize a part of what he's feeling is familiarity and the unusual comfort he takes in it.]

[ She immediately goes tense and still, refusing to look up at his face for her own reasons now.

There's a long hesitation before her voice comes out, soft and hoarse and strained, choked with emotion. ]

Don't ask me that, Hak. Questions like that are ones I cannot answer. Not without risking Blight far worse than what I already bear. [ That much she knows. ]

[He isn't sure why he even asked because she had given the answer he expected - Blight this, risks that... but it at least gives him a good idea of where things stand between them. Hak wondered as much since the day she came to him on the training grounds, eyes red and puffy like she'd been crying.

He leans in further, so close that he's able to take in the scent of her hair, and there's another wave of comfort and relief.]

Are shinki meant to feel this way about their gods? I barely know you and I feel like I know you better than most.

[ She tries to lift her head at that, her expression startled as she seeks to search his face, trying to understand what he means. ]

I.... I don't know? I don't know how you feel. [ The link only tells her so much, after all. ] You could... ask the other shinki, I suppose?

[His expression is flat as he stares off into the distance at that, keeping his head and gaze up so that she still can't get a good view of his face.]

I guess I could...

[Except he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to know how they feel about her. If there's one thing he's sure they could agree on though, it's that she's oblivious.]