if no one listens, then it's just as well [closed]

[reformedsinner]

Who: Cho Hakkai & Genjo Sanzo; Cho Hakkai & Yamazaki Ayumu; Cho Hakkai, Joshima Ken and Kakimoto Chikusa
What: Now that Hakkai has his memories back in one piece, he needs to have some important conversations, and maybe also get Ayumu to stop dishing to angry redheads about his personal flaws.
Where: Sanzo's temple, Ayumu's shinki refuge-in-progress, Hakkai's temple
When: October 4/5
Warnings: Discussion of attempted suicide, suicidal ideation & of Hakkai's backstory (incest, genocide); probably no actual violence in the threads. Unless Ayumu punches him again, of course.

Closed - Genjo Sanzo

[Yesterday, Hakkai had been wary. Today, it seemed, he could go outside with confidence that the worst of the disturbances had been handled. Add was, if still alive, no longer causing trouble. Bluish dimensional tears were no longer interrupting his morning walks.

Sadly, that meant he'd lost his excuse for not tracking down Sanzo and sharing what he'd remembered.

Jeep, after his return and Ayumu's release, had lost his tendency to stick around the temple and started insisting on a space on Hakkai's shoulder again; Hakkai, after having to darn three brand-new shirts, had bought a large, black-and-white checked scarf, and looped it loosely enough around his shoulders that Jeep could coil into the fabric. It's not his usual style, but his dragon is happy, and the walk to where Sanzo's new temple appears to be is quiet.

He raps his knuckles loudly against the side of the door when he arrives.]

Sanzo? Excuse me, are you in?


Closed - Yamazaki Ayumu

[It's not so much logistical need that sends him looking for Ayumu after he's done chatting with Sanzo.

It is, if he's going to be brutally honest, wounded pride. She'd avoided his question about finding a new god at the moon festival, and then she'd demanded release almost as soon as she finished throwing punches on his resurrection? She'd informed him he was no more than a placeholder for her months ago, and yet she insisted on taking his every action personally?

And, besides, Chikusa seemed convinced she hadn't been looking for a new god. It's hard for Hakkai to make any of her actions fit into the same puzzle, or even the same frame. Now that he's not working at a disadvantage, he has a few more questions he wants to ask.

There's something else, too. Gojyo's bar is an obviously terrible place for a shinki to live on his own. Hakkai just wants to confirm -- especially after ayakashi have been swarming the Heavens -- that Ayumu's "shelter" is at least a little more secure. And less shabby.]

Comments

[reformedsinner]

Sometimes... even if you don't remember something, it can leave a wound.

[He hadn't known Kanan when he was a shinki. He hadn't known Kanan when her soul was screaming at him from a corpse, and yet, seeing that woman who had prayed to Yuri, he had reacted despite himself.

Ayumu's wounds are fresher, and a shinki's forgetfulness, Hakkai supposes, is no barrier to her pain, either.

He hadn't done very well helping her with it. He doesn't really know where he ought to have started, but it's surprisingly difficult to think that he's failed in that, too. He breathes out, looking away.]

And a wound needs time to heal. Regardless of the cause.

[kagenonadeshiko]

It must be very deep. I was hurting and so furious... but I tried to hold it in and not think about it like I was supposed to. I held out as long as I could but after the moon viewing, I just couldn't anymore. I hated myself so much for my weakness. And nothing made it better.

[She goes quiet a moment as she focuses on petting Jeep until she's steady once more. When she speaks again, her voice is soft and weary.]

I think I've been angry at Heaven for them dragging me here. This world isn't where I'm supposed to be.

[She doesn't know how she knows this but she does.]

But I guess what's done is done and I have to accept it. I don't want to make my friends cry.

[reformedsinner]

It's not where any of us are supposed to be. I can understand that feeling. And yet... here we all are.

[He's not going to hold out any hopes about going home or finding the cause of their arrival, not to someone who is, after all, a shinki. Her death could be more real than the death he'd seen from Gojyo, more terminal than the one that Sharak had seen from Hakkai.

And even to think too hard about home can be dangerous. He knows that, too, from painful experience.]

... Is it that hard to feel what you feel without thinking about the causes?

[It's a genuine question, carefully neutral in tone. If she resists those feelings because she doesn't want to be weak, then it's not necessarily dangerous for her to embrace them. If she's resisting them, on the other hand, because she doesn't want to be tempted to try to remember her past, she should continue.]

[kagenonadeshiko]

Sometimes. Sometimes I'm tempted to question further. It's difficult, not knowing why I am the way I am. I have all these scars... My life couldn't have been happy but at least, I had a place in it that was mine. I feel as if there isn't much about my life in Heaven that belongs entirely to me.

[Sometimes that's a good thing, like on days when she wakes up and wishes nothing more for peaceful oblivion. It keeps her from doing stupid, irreversible things like that stunt she'd pulled with the cat ayakashi. She's lucky Archer had been there to support her. If he hadn't been, they would have overtaken and devoured her.

Other days, she feels like she's a prisoner, joylessly going through the motions of duty until it's time for her die.]

But without those memories, that knowledge, I'm incomplete. It's like a void in me that nothing ever fills. It's hard to live like that. At least, if I knew I'd understand better what it is that I need to change so I'll stop hurting.

[Is it like this for most shinki? Gojyo seems to struggle with it, too; it's part of why she finds him comforting to be around. But other than them? She just doesn't know.]

[reformedsinner]

Knowing the cause doesn't make it stop hurting, and it doesn't always give you something you can change.

[His voice softens, thoughtfully, as he glances away.]

I never felt incomplete before I remembered. It was much worse after I'd started to remember: having some answers only gave me more questions, and even if you've remembered a few things, it's still not safe to wonder too often about what you still don't know.

I won't say something like, "it's better not to know," though. It's better to know. What this place does to shinki-- [He breaks off the sentence, and looks away, letting his face relax from frustrated rage to something quieter and more neutral.]

I wondered for a long time how it had changed me. In the end, I discovered that it hadn't, much. It only meant I was working with bad information.

I don't think that's the same for all of us. Some of us seem to change more than others....

[kagenonadeshiko]

I wouldn't know but I'll take your word for it.

[She pauses a moment, suddenly recalling the odd vision she'd had the morning of the banquet.]

I did see something. It may have been a memory but it felt like someone else's, not mine. I suppose I'm a little curious why I was rousing so many people. If it was my memory, I don't think I want back any more. I couldn't see anyone's faces but it still made me sad.

[Whoever those men were, they're far beyond her reach now. What purpose could remembering them now after she was already dead serve? The chances of her seeing anyone from wherever she'd come from are slim. And she can't go back.]

I think you're right. Remembering might not accomplish anything. I guess I'll just have to find another way.

[She refuses to be miserable forever. No matter what rules and laws Heaven lays out.]

[reformedsinner]

I hope you find one.

[And he's glad Ayumu's willing to take his advice about pinning her hopes on regaining her memories. It had never worked for him. Even when he'd gotten many of them back...

He smiles, expression still remote. It's no solution. From what he's seen of hers... that, too, would only make things worse. He hopes it doesn't go too much further than the single recollection for her. Some people's memory does; some doesn't. Hakkai's had seemed to return faster and faster, a few drips and then a deluge.

It's strange that her first memory would feel like someone else's, though. He wonders if, like Gojyo, she's determined to set herself apart from who she once was, or if she simply doesn't understand her point of view, at whatever moment she'd recalled.]

And in the meantime... please stay safe, and should you encounter any ayakashi before you've been named, feel free to call me? [He shrugs, a tiny movement.] I wouldn't mind helping.

[kagenonadeshiko]

Thank you. I will.

[He's still the first number on her contact list, despite everything that's happened. And after her recent scare here, she's not going to turn away offers of assistance. Her stay with Hachiman and Souji isn't permanent. In her heart, she's keenly aware that she's simply a visitor. But it's safe and secure enough until Ayumu figures out where to go next.]

You be careful, too, 'kay? The same goes for you. If you need help with something, please don't hesitate to ask. It helps me to stay busy sometimes.

[reformedsinner]

I will.

[He pauses, and adds:] Good luck with your new job, by the way. Gojyo told me you were working at the bar?

[kagenonadeshiko]

Oh, thanks. I just started actually.

[She laughs a bit.]

I've spent a lot of time there lately. It just made sense to start pitching in.

[Despite her somewhat casual words, her face lights up at this subject and there's a bit of an animated sparkle in her eye. It's a shady place with disreputable clientele from what she's gathered but she gets to work alongside her friends and spend time away from Heaven. It's nice.]

It'll take me a while to learn how to mix drinks though.

[reformedsinner]

Luckily, last time I was there, it seemed like the sort of establishment where most orders only require you to pour them.

[Mixed drinks? Mixed drinks seem a bit fancy for Gojyo's bar. No offense meant, of course: his tone is wry and oddly fond.]

I suspect you'll be a great asset.

[kagenonadeshiko]

Hopefully, I will be.

[At the very least, she might be able to utilize the location somehow. Tongues loosen after some drinks. Between her work in the clinic, her shifts at the bar, and the contacts she's made through the shelter project, Ayumu might be in a position to gather useful information. With the tips being split three ways instead of just two now, having a side business couldn't hurt.]

Just pouring drinks sounds simple enough to do.

[reformedsinner]

Indeed. [He can't help but wonder if she's planning to use it as an information-gathering point, too; bars are good for that, almost so much so as to be a cliche, and Gojyo's heavily advertised his place as a gathering point for shinki where their orders won't be forgotten or their tables cleaned while they're still there.

He wonders if any of the older shinki ever take advantage of that.

Shaking his head, after a moment, he offers her a slight smile.]

But I'm afraid I should get back to the school. Please take care.

[kagenonadeshiko]

[Ayumu nods and smiles back.]

'Kay. I will. See you around, Hakkai.

[reformedsinner]

Let's go, Jeep.

[The dragon's chirp sounds grumpy, but he lifts from Ayumu's shoulder in a flurry of wingbeats to soar the few paces between her and Hakkai. Hakkai offers her a polite inclination of his head -- no bow, as Jeep is still settling in on his scarf -- and turns to go.]