thenearshore | if no one listens, then it's just as well [closed]

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if no one listens, then it's just as well [closed]

Who: Cho Hakkai & Genjo Sanzo; Cho Hakkai & Yamazaki Ayumu; Cho Hakkai, Joshima Ken and Kakimoto Chikusa
What: Now that Hakkai has his memories back in one piece, he needs to have some important conversations, and maybe also get Ayumu to stop dishing to angry redheads about his personal flaws.
Where: Sanzo's temple, Ayumu's shinki refuge-in-progress, Hakkai's temple
When: October 4/5
Warnings: Discussion of attempted suicide, suicidal ideation & of Hakkai's backstory (incest, genocide); probably no actual violence in the threads. Unless Ayumu punches him again, of course.

Closed - Genjo Sanzo

[Yesterday, Hakkai had been wary. Today, it seemed, he could go outside with confidence that the worst of the disturbances had been handled. Add was, if still alive, no longer causing trouble. Bluish dimensional tears were no longer interrupting his morning walks.

Sadly, that meant he'd lost his excuse for not tracking down Sanzo and sharing what he'd remembered.

Jeep, after his return and Ayumu's release, had lost his tendency to stick around the temple and started insisting on a space on Hakkai's shoulder again; Hakkai, after having to darn three brand-new shirts, had bought a large, black-and-white checked scarf, and looped it loosely enough around his shoulders that Jeep could coil into the fabric. It's not his usual style, but his dragon is happy, and the walk to where Sanzo's new temple appears to be is quiet.

He raps his knuckles loudly against the side of the door when he arrives.]

Sanzo? Excuse me, are you in?

Closed - Yamazaki Ayumu

[It's not so much logistical need that sends him looking for Ayumu after he's done chatting with Sanzo.

It is, if he's going to be brutally honest, wounded pride. She'd avoided his question about finding a new god at the moon festival, and then she'd demanded release almost as soon as she finished throwing punches on his resurrection? She'd informed him he was no more than a placeholder for her months ago, and yet she insisted on taking his every action personally?

And, besides, Chikusa seemed convinced she hadn't been looking for a new god. It's hard for Hakkai to make any of her actions fit into the same puzzle, or even the same frame. Now that he's not working at a disadvantage, he has a few more questions he wants to ask.

There's something else, too. Gojyo's bar is an obviously terrible place for a shinki to live on his own. Hakkai just wants to confirm -- especially after ayakashi have been swarming the Heavens -- that Ayumu's "shelter" is at least a little more secure. And less shabby.]

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[When Hakkai visits, Ayumu happens to be wandering around the premises, having taken a break from her current residence at Hachiman's temple where she's been staying the past few days.

There hasn't been a whole lot of change from the building from when Hakkai had last seen it, given that it's one of the abandoned temples on the list he'd given her when she'd first mentioned the project. Outside the yard is an overgrown mess in places but shows evidence that someone is actively working on clearing it. The interior is much cleaner; both Kairi and Ayumu have worked very hard cleaning it up but it's still very spartan. There's not much to it besides bare walls, cold floors, and what little salvagable furniture was left in the temple. There's an old futon and pile of blankets in the room that Ayumu's been sleeping in.

With the gain of Amaterasu's assistance, there'll be a better, more secure location for shinki to go to but she's still grown rather attached to this place and doesn't want to just let it go to be abandoned once more. So she's surveying the grounds, mulling over new possibilities when Hakkai arrives.

She looks genuinely surprised to see him there, the contemplative air about her turning into a more awkward silence. It's not that she hates her former god or even dislikes him that much, despite what Gojyo had confided in her about his murder confession and his more annoying qualities that had aggravated her so much as his shinki. It more that she's already begun to move on and hasn't really thought about him much since the banquet.

Ayumu settles on polite neutrality with a touch of professionalism for now and approaches him slowly.]

Hello, Hakkai-san. Can I help you with something?

Hello, Ayumu.

[No more Yamazaki-san. He bows, politely, and adds as he straightens back to his full height:] Please excuse my interruption; I'm sure you're busy.

It seems my memories have returned, and there were some topics I'm afraid I wasn't able to bring up at our last conversation. You aren't obligated, of course... but I wondered if you had some time to talk.

[Well, that's both a relief and a little alarming. Though getting her to admit it openly might be a feat, she's not really proud of how shamefully she'd behaved toward him and Chikusa. But she doesn't regret her decision to ask for release either. Already she's starting feel just a little bit happier, a little more at peace, and things are starting to look up for her. It was the right thing to do, that much she's confident about.

But she does owe him a debt, even if he says there's no obligation. Even if they'd failed, they'd tried to make it work. And they do need to talk. She'd been sincere when she'd told him she'd like to speak to him again someday, hopefully as friends.

So she nods and takes a seat on a broken pillar that fallen over ages ago. It'd been too heavy to move and it's long enough to seat several people while maintaining sufficient personal space between them. There isn't really anywhere else to sit in the immediate area other than the floor.]

'Kay. I have time to talk.

[Her body language is just a little bit wary but no more than it would be for anyone in an awkward situation.]

[She hasn't thrown him out and she's sitting down as though she expects to be ready to talk for a reasonable length of time. So far, Hakkai notes, this is looking up.

He considers taking a seat on the ground, but it's dusty and he doesn't like the idea of being below her eye level; the other end of the broken pillar, with a comfortable arm's length of distance between them, will have to do. He settles there, crossing his legs, and folds his hands on his knee as he thinks.

Jeep, unhelpfully, lifts his head from Hakkai's scarf and chirrups at Ayumu.

Traitor.]

I'm glad to hear that.

My first question, I suppose, is what changed between the time when you told me you were waiting to find a satisfactory god before you asked for your release and now.

[He glances around the broken-down temple. It's not as if she has a god now, at least not from what Sharak had said, and she hadn't indicated that she had or was looking for one when she asked him to let her go.]

[Jeep's greeting cheers her up just a little. As disturbed as she is that he can turn in a machine, she's still grown very fond of the little fellow. He's just so cute when he's a dragon. She's missed him and the other animals since moving out...

Oh, right. Serious discussion. She shouldn't get distracted from that.

She's quiet a long moment. Her discussion with Chikusa had prepared her for this particular issue, at least, and she's spent a little time thinking on how Hakkai could have possibly gotten the idea that she intended to leave him all along.]

I never intended to leave you. When I said that I might need to move out to look after things here, it wasn't a slight against you. I just meant that the shinki that stayed here might need me around to oversee things. To mediate conflicts, break up fights, show them where to find necessities, things like that... Once people were comfortable here or I found someone to replace me here, I planned to come home.

[Home. It's not a word she uses lightly. There's genuine sorrow in her tone and in her expression. What isn't present is remorse. It may have been home but it hadn't been a happy or comfortable one to live in.]

I didn't know you thought I was looking for a new god. At the moon-viewing, I didn't know what to think. I thought you just wanted to be rid of me. You said you liked me but your actions spoke differently. And then you left without telling me or your other shinki and got killed. It was a shout I couldn't ignore. It said that you didn't trust me or believe me to be capable or strong enough to handle whatever.

[It's rare for her talk about her feelings or be so forthcoming. But he'd been her god and it'd been the involuntary nature of their bond that she'd rebelled against, not him. Having the power and freedom to choose to share her feelings makes a big difference.]

You didn't seem to have any faith in me so I lost faith in you. After that, there didn't seem to be much point in continuing. A partnership can't survive without trust, without faith in one another. I've learned that those things are very important to me.

[Really, she can't understand how Heaven expects total strangers to work together like this. There's just so many flaws in the way they go about things yet they expect perfect harmony where it just isn't feasible or realistic.]

Ayumu, I didn't think you wanted a new god because you told me you might move out.

[There's a snap of annoyance in his tone now: had she forgotten she'd said this to him, too? Had she just been throwing whatever seemed harsh at the time, and then wondering why he responded as though she'd said something final?

Why is it that everyone keeps saying things to him, and then blaming him for acting on them?

A line pinches itself between his eyebrows for a moment, before he looks down at his hands and takes a deliberate, calming breath.]

I thought you were looking for a new god because you told me you planned to find another god to name you for each additional shinki I named, and when I asked you why you wanted to remain my shinki, you told me it was because you hadn't found a suitable replacement.

That wasn't even a week after I named Chikusa, and yet, despite telling me then you planned to find a new god, you continued to expect me to rely on you as my exemplar. Of course I didn't rely on you, Ayumu. Why would I demand that you risk your life for me when you told me I was only a placeholder?

[So that's what this is about. A mostly empty threat she'd made in the heat of the moment when she'd been upset. She'd been so preoccupied with other things that she'd nearly forgotten she'd said that. Things had begun to improve a little after that, anyway. He'd called her before naming Ken, at least. Maybe it'd been naive of her to assume that gesture meant he was willing to talk to her about things.

And now she's annoyed, too.]

I was doing my job, Hakkai.

[She drops the honorific entirely without even noticing.]

I was trying to guide you, get you to acknowledge that your choices and actions affect more than just you whether you want them to or not. It was a bluff to try to get you in line. And it seemed to work. You called me first about Ken before naming him, didn't you? That was all I wanted, you know. To just be informed about things that might disrupt my life. You do realize I have one, too, don't you? And you were a big part of it?

[To her credit, she manages to sound mostly calm and civil throughout her little rant.]

I thought you might figure it out by the fact that I never left. And even if I hadn't been bluffing, I said additional gods. Where in that plan does it say anything about leaving you?

[She takes a breath to calm herself before continuing.]

As for the rest, you asked me a question and I answered it. Nothing more, nothing less.

If you thought your job was to lie to me, threaten me, berate my other shinki about my choices behind my back, and assume that because I have the common courtesy to comply with your requests you'd successfully manipulated me, Ayumu, then it's for the best that you are no longer my shinki.

[His voice isn't as close to calm as hers. It's chilly, and the line between his eyebrows has reappeared to stay.]

Have you ever asked me for anything without trying to threaten or humiliate me into giving it to you first?

Have I ever said no when you asked?

[Jeep shifts closer to his neck, and Hakkai closes his eyes, taking another deep breath. His knuckles are white where his hands are clasped together. It's not really even Ayumu's actions that have him so furious, he knows, wearily. It's just his own frustration: she's never trusted him, and that's fine. He saw enough of her past. He can guess why it's hard for her to trust. He'd tried honesty, he'd tried asking, he'd tried showing her some of his own vulnerabilities--]

You're right, a partnership needs trust. Don't try to tell me that you trusted me until I betrayed you by not considering how my death would inconvenience you. You never had any faith in me.

You're wrong. I had complete faith in you when we first met. Faith in you was all that I had. I trusted you those first few days. I was confused, scared, alone... I had no other choice but to trust you. And I did. But you weren't there. I had no one. I didn't know or understand anything. When I was back to normal, the only thing I could think of was just getting back to you, that I'd be safe with you once I got back to the temple. And you shut me out.

[Her calm's starting to crumble again and now that she doesn't have to worry about blighting or stinging him with her feelings, she lets it happen. Without a god to protect, she's free to do so now.]

I had no idea why and I still don't. But it left an imprint. And Shizuo-san had warned me about gods and temples disappearing without warning the night before. You, yourself, told me being your shinki was dangerous. What was I supposed to do or think in that kind of situation? Knowing absolutely nothing?

[Tears began to slide down her cheeks.]

You tell me to ask for things as if that's all it takes. But I didn't even know what questions to ask! Did it ever occur to you that I might be unable to speak instead of unwilling?

[She wipes her eyes with her dress sleeve.]

I don't know why I am the way I am. But it's the way I am. And I don't know how to be any other way.

I was just as lost as you! I met you, and then a few hours later, I was a foolish teenager with no memory of the Heavens, no context, and no clue that you even existed. I was guessing, too. When I came back to myself, I couldn't...

[He closes his eyes again, for a moment. The lines around his eyes are stark against a paling face, but when he speaks again, at last, the only hint of strain in his calm voice is that he's talking a little too fast.]

I went to bed a seventeen-year-old preschool teacher in love, I woke up a murdering demon who watched the woman I loved gut herself in front of me with my knife, and then I had to explain to a dozen concerned acquaintances and total strangers that the person I'd been looking for was dead.

Then I had to tell them I hadn't been seducing you, because you decided to ask me to take you clothes shopping by calling me from the park wearing my spare shirt and nothing else.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you that day. But even then, that day, the first day I knew who you were after the day we met, you decided to punish me for not thinking of you first, instead of asking why.

[His hands flex against each other, and he pushes himself to his feet, turning to walk a few paces away from where Ayumu's sitting on the column. His arms are crossed tightly across his chest, his back to her and his shoulders tense.

Jeep, with a discontented noise, presses his muzzle against the tendons standing out on the side of Hakkai's neck, and then, as Hakkai startles violently from the touch, lifts from his shoulders and flies to Ayumu, chirping.]

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Dinner, October 5th, 7pm

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