if no one listens, then it's just as well [closed]

[reformedsinner]

Who: Cho Hakkai & Genjo Sanzo; Cho Hakkai & Yamazaki Ayumu; Cho Hakkai, Joshima Ken and Kakimoto Chikusa
What: Now that Hakkai has his memories back in one piece, he needs to have some important conversations, and maybe also get Ayumu to stop dishing to angry redheads about his personal flaws.
Where: Sanzo's temple, Ayumu's shinki refuge-in-progress, Hakkai's temple
When: October 4/5
Warnings: Discussion of attempted suicide, suicidal ideation & of Hakkai's backstory (incest, genocide); probably no actual violence in the threads. Unless Ayumu punches him again, of course.

Closed - Genjo Sanzo

[Yesterday, Hakkai had been wary. Today, it seemed, he could go outside with confidence that the worst of the disturbances had been handled. Add was, if still alive, no longer causing trouble. Bluish dimensional tears were no longer interrupting his morning walks.

Sadly, that meant he'd lost his excuse for not tracking down Sanzo and sharing what he'd remembered.

Jeep, after his return and Ayumu's release, had lost his tendency to stick around the temple and started insisting on a space on Hakkai's shoulder again; Hakkai, after having to darn three brand-new shirts, had bought a large, black-and-white checked scarf, and looped it loosely enough around his shoulders that Jeep could coil into the fabric. It's not his usual style, but his dragon is happy, and the walk to where Sanzo's new temple appears to be is quiet.

He raps his knuckles loudly against the side of the door when he arrives.]

Sanzo? Excuse me, are you in?


Closed - Yamazaki Ayumu

[It's not so much logistical need that sends him looking for Ayumu after he's done chatting with Sanzo.

It is, if he's going to be brutally honest, wounded pride. She'd avoided his question about finding a new god at the moon festival, and then she'd demanded release almost as soon as she finished throwing punches on his resurrection? She'd informed him he was no more than a placeholder for her months ago, and yet she insisted on taking his every action personally?

And, besides, Chikusa seemed convinced she hadn't been looking for a new god. It's hard for Hakkai to make any of her actions fit into the same puzzle, or even the same frame. Now that he's not working at a disadvantage, he has a few more questions he wants to ask.

There's something else, too. Gojyo's bar is an obviously terrible place for a shinki to live on his own. Hakkai just wants to confirm -- especially after ayakashi have been swarming the Heavens -- that Ayumu's "shelter" is at least a little more secure. And less shabby.]

Comments

[junkyarddog]

Tch...I know that, stupid kappa! [Ken elbows Chikusa.] I didn't mean remind him of actual memories and shit. But they're still the same people, right? We were the same people without our memories, even if we didn't remember why we were the way we were. So if Gojyo used to like Hakkai-sama, then the things he liked are still there, byon! Hakkai-sama just needs to show him those parts, and he'll start liking him again for the same reasons he liked him before.

[Ken looks over at Hakkai.] You could just tell him you want him to like you again, byon. You could even ask him what'd make him like you. Even if he hates you right now, that'd have to count for something, right?

[kokuyoyo]

He has a point.... [Chikusa tucks a small enough vegetable into his cheek so that he can talk clearly.] You have a talent for giving yourself a bad reputation...

[A couple more chews, followed by a swallow, before he raises a shoulder almost enough to qualify as half a shrug.]

Well. If you want to be a coward, we could handle it. Ken... might get through to him better than me. Since... they're similar enough, I guess.

[In that they're complete idiots. Chikusa at least views Ken positively despite this. Gojyo gets no excuse.]

[reformedsinner]

[Hakkai is still staring down at his cup, tilting it thoughtfully in his hands so that the surface glimmers with concentric reflections of the kitchen light overhead.]

Thank you. I... do appreciate the offer.

[He looks up, one eye dark, the other glass-green and unrevealing as always.]

But I don't intend to stay a coward forever. I want a little time first, that's all.

[If Gojyo plans to let him have any time. He can't make a clean break, not with his own foolish revelations constantly coming back to nip at his heels; he can't relax like this, either.

If only it were all as simple as Ken seems to think it should be. Maybe Ken's the one he should be sending to talk to Gojyo after all -- but no, at this rate Gojyo's likely to snap at him too. They'd like each other, if they didn't meet with Hakkai standing between them, he thinks. They should like each other.]

I think it'll be easier for us to talk after we've both calmed down.

[junkyarddog]

Haven't you had a lot of time already, byon? [Ken doesn't look particularly impressed.] It sounds like a lot's happened since he forgot you. And that stuff's just been getting worse ever since. If you're not gonna just avoid each other, then you gotta fix it.

You could at least tell him what you wanna do. And ask him when and how would be okay to do it. He can't be mad about it if he gets to pick, right? [On the one hand, this is logically sound. On the other hand, this just illustrates that Ken doesn't know Gojyo.]

[kokuyoyo]

Your way obviously sucks. [It's a statement punctuated by the sound of meat sizzling as Chikusa puts more of it into the pan, and starts to retrieve the other various vegetables that have had plenty of time to cook. It's time to restock on the pan front.]

You both have phones. You can at least type and keep yourself from being too dumb...

[Pausing to take in the meant, Chikusa begins to chew it and watch Hakkai from across the pot as he does so with tea and food alike steaming inbetween them.]

Or... I could just make him tell the truth.

[reformedsinner]

Ken, Chikusa, I'm not sure you understand. Things were getting better before the moon viewing, and that wasn't even a month ago. What happened then...

...It's made it all more complicated, and my failing to remember for half that time made it worse. If he's trying to use my past against me with others, I'll need to deal with that, but we need some time apart before we try to "fix" anything.

I need it, because I don't want to deal with him throwing all my flaws back in my face just yet. He needs it, because he needs to calm down.

[With Gojyo as he had been, Hakkai wouldn't have wanted to leave him alone. With Gojyo as he is, Hakkai chasing him, texting him, trying to coax him into friendship again-- it just gives him more ammunition for his paranoia about control.

And, speaking of paranoia:]

Chikusa, do not use any magic on him unless it's necessary to defend yourself. From a physical attack.

[So, for instance, not from being annoyed.]

[junkyarddog]

If he's already trying to use your past against you to other people, doesn't that just mean he's gonna keep making problems for you until you do something? [Ken says this even as he starts cooking some meat; for once, he'd been absorbed enough in conversation that Chikusa has been hogging the food.] Doesn't seem like he's giving you time to do anything, byon. He's definitely not cooling off.

If you're not gonna talk to him yet, you at least need to get him to leave you alone until you do.

[kokuyoyo]

[Having such a restriction put onto him has Chikusa visibly sulk, beanie slunk far enough down his head to mimic a sort of scowl as he dead eyes his god. But being able to use magic against Gojyo would be half the fun...]

[He keeps these thoughts down while chewing on more vegetables, since Ken obviously isn't going to bother, and nods slightly in agreement.]

He's not going to calm down this way. Something has to be done.

[reformedsinner]

All he really has to use against me is my past, and if he's willing to keep using it, then I'll have to disarm him.

[He glances at the two of them, ignoring Chikusa's sulk with the practiced ease of a man who's spent years telling Goku he'll have to wait for lunch.]

Otherwise, I'll be worried about what he'll say whenever he ends up in a bad mood.

[Gojyo doesn't trust him, and the trust they'd once had isn't the kind of thing that will be easily -- if ever -- rebuilt.]

I'll tell people myself.

[Hadn't Gojyo threatened to do the same thing? Announce Hakkai's crimes on the network?

He hates the idea. He hates the idea more than almost anything else, but one of the things he hates more is the thought of explaining his crimes and why Gojyo's walking around telling people he's a murderer one person at a time, from now until whenever Gojyo gets tired of his game.]

[junkyarddog]

[Ken frowns at that.] Are you gonna get in trouble? What if you get arrested or something, byon?

[Ken remembers being in prison with Chikusa while he was alive - more than once. It sucked. Do the heavens have a prison? Will they send Hakkai there for being a murderer? How will they get him out?]

[kokuyoyo]

...I mean... [Still holding a mushroom inbetween his chopsticks, Chikusa glances over to Ken.] There was an active serial killer running around... and Heaven didn't do anything as far as I can tell.

We were the ones who had to get involved and take care of it ourselves... [Oh, right.] Along with Shun, and Lavi... [Plus that one guy, you know.]

...Which means... if anyone does anything... it'll be someone from 'this' generation... [Frowning, he shifts his gaze back to Hakkai.] If there's any sign of a negative reaction... You'll tell us, right?

[reformedsinner]

I don't think I'm going to be arrested for something that happened in my past, in another world entirely.

-- Or, at least, not again. I was already sentenced for it back home.

[He nods to Chikusa, after a moment.]

Heaven does sometimes take action, but only if Heaven's own authority is challenged. They don't seem to worry too much about violence among the gods. I'll tell you, though, if I have any reason to worry about retaliation from one of us.

[If he phrases it well, with enough penitence and reassurance that he's no danger now, he doubts he'll wind up with anyone trying to find him and enact some sort of vicarious revenge for the dead. Still-- he'll be careful. The promise is sincere.]

[junkyarddog]

We'll make sure nobody messes with you, byon. [Ken fishes food out of the pan, not caring if he snags some things Chikusa put in there for himself along with whatever Ken personally was cooking.] What's Gojyo gonna do, though? Is it gonna piss him off even more?

[kokuyoyo]

[And as Ken puts his snagged goods from the pan onto his own plate, Chikusa lazily reaches over to take from that very same plate himself.]

I think Hakkai just breathing pisses him of...

[reformedsinner]

Thank you, Chikusa, that's not helping. I don't know whether it'll make him angry or not, but it'll at least prevent him from doing too much harm.

[To his reputation, at least. He sighs, and, a little reluctantly, picks up one of the now-cold pieces of food from his own plate, taking a neat bite.]

I think that'll have to do for now.

[junkyarddog]

[Chikusa, if you think Ken doesn't transfer the food straight from the pot to his mouth, you are underestimating - or overestimating - your dog. Very few things end up on his plate, and certainly none of it is meat...but Chikusa can poach them if he really wants to.]

He'll probably just try something else if that doesn't work if he wants to mess with you that much, byon. You're gonna have to deal with him sooner or later...it kinda feels like he's trying to goad you into it.

[kokuyoyo]

[Hey, he'll take whatever he can get, and whatever plays into less effort.]

Ken is probably right. Him and Gojyo.... seem to be on the same level.

[Of stupid.]

[reformedsinner]

[Hakkai's glad for the food in his mouth; it gives him time to chew, swallow, and make sure his tone is level and controlled when he speaks at last.]

Maybe he is trying to goad me. You're certainly right that I'll have to deal with him eventually... but nothing good will come of trying to do it too soon.

[Other than perhaps his breaking a few of Gojyo's bones, which would admittedly be very satisfying. Counterproductive in the long term, he supposes.]

I don't plan to avoid him forever, just until we've both had a little time to calm down.

[junkyarddog]

You keep saying that, but it doesn't seem like he's taking the down time to get any calmer, byon. [Ken knows Hakkai is smart, so he wonders why he's having trouble getting this relatively simple concept through.] I mean, maybe it'll help you calm down, for what that's worth, but it just sounds like he's gonna stay mad and messing with you until you do something to change it.

[Ken's not really trying to change Hakkai's mind here; he can already tell Hakkai's determined to do things in his own time and his own way, and Ken doesn't even necessarily disagree with that. (Whether he thinks it'll be effective is another story, but he's not too invested in this mess one way or the other; whether or not Hakkai's way of dealing with things works is Hakkai's problem.) But to Ken's eyes, this Gojyo is demanding an active solution, not passivity or avoidance - that's why he's harassing and provoking Hakkai even when he's being given the option to keep his distance and ignore him. So Hakkai needs to stop this baffling insistence that the hands-off approach is doing Gojyo any good, regardless of what it's doing for Hakkai.]

[kokuyoyo]

So with that in mind... [With a piece of stolen vegetable in chopsticks, he points it at Hakkai.]

What will you do if he never calms down?

[Chikusa says 'if', but his tone makes it clear that he thinks it more likely to happen than Gojyo calming down.]

[reformedsinner]

[The chopsticks in Hakkai's hand snap in half, and the pieces fall from his fingers to clatter uselessly on his plate.]

I don't know!

[He bows his head, fighting for control. It's what he's afraid of. He's not expecting their relationship to fix itself; he doesn't know if there's any way for it to be fixed, anymore. The way Gojyo had looked at him, and said, How the hell can you live with yourself?

How can he? It had helped when someone else had thought he was worth living with.

He thinks he can probably bear having things broken, but he doesn't know if he can bear having Gojyo hate him, and stalk him around every room they're both in, and try to poison every friendship he's still holding onto, not forever. Forever is too long.]

I don't know.

[He'd tried asking Gojyo to leave him alone, the last time they spoke in person, and Gojyo had said he couldn't, and then said he'd try. If this is trying, then--

It's better than what Hakkai had been half-afraid he'd meant, but it's still a long way from something he can live with.

His head is bowed, but he's not seeing the broken chopsticks in a puddle of sauce on his plate; he's not seeing anything at all, other than Gojyo's face set in lines of cold revulsion. And Gojyo's face just a little surprised as claws tore through his throat, which didn't happen, he knows it did not happen, he knows he hadn't because he couldn't have. He remembers that he'd known the hand on his upraised wrist, and the madness had faded. There are limits to the kind of monster that he can be.

(And, if there aren't, he deserves every single ounce of that revulsion, every second of rejection, and worse.)

He's distantly aware that he doesn't seem to be breathing quite right.]

[junkyarddog]

[Not many things will get Ken to forget about food, but he's up and away from the table when Hakkai explodes, moving closer to him.] Hakkai-sama? [He sounds genuinely worried. His self-taught therapy animal instincts have been activated; Hakkai's losing control like this is giving him the same uncomfortable rubbed-against-the-grain feeling that Chikusa's retreating into dissociation when he's overwhelmed does. There's a feeling like there's something wrong, something that needs to be fixed, and when it's Chikusa Ken is dealing with he has some options; grounding Chikusa physically tends to work, when Ken presses against him or bites him or lies on top of him, forcing Chikusa to pay attention to sensations rather than thoughts.

He doesn't know what will work for Hakkai, though. He hesitates within arm's length, a faint whine in the back of his throat that's as much uncertainty as concern. He almost wishes he was in vessel form; he knows there are some things that would be more acceptable for a dog to do than a teenager, and most of his instincts are directing him to do dog things.]