thenearshore | won't you take me

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won't you take me

Who: The Li Tieguai clusterfuck
What: Well, we're out of a shitty haunted forest, who wants dinner?
When: November 16, evening
Where: Li Tieguai's Temple

Usually, when there's some big nonsense in Heaven, Chikusa can be found out cold or "away" in his own head for most of the following couple of days afterwards... but that apparently only counts for event which involve people. Spending an entire day trekking through a possessed forest filled with violent plant-life and cultists is manageable.... somehow.

No matter how exhausted or injured anyone in the temple is, food still has to be made, and Hakka is in no condition to make it. Thus, dinner is being arranged by the other cook in the house, and invitations have been sent out to the relevant people Chikusa thinks care- namely Nanako and Ayumu, along with anyone they seek to bring. That doesn't mean people checking in on the Li Tieguai temple can't just waltz right into the dinner as well....

There's a lot to do in the time leading up to dinner, after all, depending on when people show up (or, you know, realize there's smells coming from the kitchen). Bon, the resident enormous Tibetan Mastiff, demands attention in the form of bodily flinging himself at people. There's a goat in the garden, tied away from all the important medical herbs. At least four different nekomata wander in and out of the temple ground whenever they please, including Pookie, the most permanent resident, and never shut up.... Not to mention that a Kung-Fu movie has been put on the television for people to watch.

There's also a sign on all entrances to the kitchen that says: CHO HAKKAI IS NOT ALLOWED TO COOK. Presumably Chikusa put it up while making direct eye contact with him.

Either way, mess around until dinner, have dinner, crash in the living room where another kung-fu movie has been put on again... Have fun.

Oh, and before it can be forgotten.... The dinner menu for the night is fritto misto, meaty Amatriciana sauce with bucatini noodles, and all the garlic bread in the world apparently. For dessert? Cannoli again. That... might be all he knows how to make on the dessert front.

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Maybe that's the solution. Eat more garlic, make him nose blind.

[ Parsley is a garnish, Hakkai, come on. You're not supposed to eat the garnish.

He cracks one eye to peer at the TV, establishes that this is a talking scene and not a flighting one, and closes his eye again. ]

He told me just before dinner that he can smell me all th'time. That's just messed up.

He has an excellent nose. It's not as if he's deciding to smell you all the time.

[Possibly, living in close proximity to Goku all these years has desensitized Hakkai to the idea that Ken can, if necessary, track him by scent. Possibly it's just that he thinks it's only fair. He knows entirely too much about Ken; Ken knows too much about him.

Politely pretending otherwise is the only way to make it work.]

No, he's just deciding to tell me about it.

[ He's gonna pout about this, sorry Hakkai. Just a little, though, because his mind never stays on one thing long. Ken's nose wouldn't be a problem if he weren't living here, after all.

He's quiet for a moment. ]

Is it still okay? That I'm here?

[Well, that does ruin the "pretending otherwise" part of the deal; but Hakkai lets that comment go for now, looking down at his folded hands instead. The dialogue that the movie's villain is spouting is terrible, anyway.]

Of course it's all right.

[Although... he exhales, not quite on a sigh, and continues in a voice pitched quietly enough not to be audible beyond their couch.]

Do you still want to stay?

[If Gojyo doesn't think either of them is really who they think they are, why would his regained memories inspire him to trust Hakkai? Why should any memory inspire him to change his opinion?]

[ The ceiling is thoroughly unremarkable, but it's more appealing right now than either looking at Hakkai or at the terrible movie playing in the background. ]

If I knew what I wanted, life would be a hell of a lot easier.

[ He wants his memories to be real. He wants his memories to go away. He wants to burn heaven to the ground. He wants to lean over and rest his head on Hakkai's shoulder. He wants to walk out the front door and never return. He wants... he wants to not feel so empty all the time. So unreal, like he's somebody else's dream. ]

I don't want to make things worse, though. I know it's been hard on you, havin' me here.

It's better than the alternative.

[It is hard, sometimes, having Gojyo here. Hakkai... doesn't quite know how to cope with it, not when he doesn't understand what has changed between them, or why Gojyo has switched from hostile wariness to panicking when Hakkai goes missing. Not when he can't guess when things will shift again.

There have been times when he was less than a good friend to Gojyo, after all. There are all kinds of things Gojyo could remember about him that could tip him back over from You loved him, didn't you to You're crazy.

And Hakkai can't even tell him about them in advance without risking Gojyo's life.

He shakes his head. With all of that, it's still better than thinking of Gojyo somewhere else, picking stupid, self-destructive fights with organized crime gangs until someone remembers his location for long enough to shoot him in the head, and Hakkai doesn't even know until long after it's too late.]

I'm glad you're here.

Yeah well... thank Amaterasu. [ Although, she doesn't really seem like she's in charge of much, does she? ] Or whoever it is who's responsible for us bein' here.

[ Sitting up isn't going to happen for awhile. Gojyo lolls his head to the side instead, offering Hakkai a what can you do? grin. ]

Somebody really wants me to trust you. [ Damn. He's thirsty, but that requires moving. How annoying. ] That's okay though. I've got to trust somebody, right? If you wanted me dead I'd be dead. And it's not like I was doin' any better on my own.

[If you wanted me dead I'd be dead, Gojyo says with a casual grin, and Hakkai goes so still, for a moment, that it's as obvious as a flinch. The memories are too fresh, and will probably always be too raw.

He'd needed to believe that he couldn't kill Gojyo, of all people. He hadn't known how much he'd needed to believe that. Even knowing that he hadn't -- that he'd recognized him, even in the middle of that rage, and stopped -- doesn't help the cold terror of realizing that it's possible. Perhaps sometime, perhaps the next time he has to take his limiters off, he will go too far.

At least he doesn't really flinch, this time. He's too tired to fall off his seat again. It's a moment, still, before he can say anything.]

I really don't want you dead.

[ Something about Hakkai's expression (or maybe his body language, for all that he's sitting still) belies his calm response, and Gojyo immediately feels like a jerk. He hadn't meant... shit. It's honestly harder for gods in a lot of ways, he thinks. With all those memories, they really think they're those people. They really think they're still alive. ]

I know.

[ And Hakkai's a lot more fragile than he lets on, isn't he? Well, okay then. No more of that bullshit. If he's going to be staying here, he can't have Hakkai walking on eggshells around him all the time -- he owes it to the man to put his mind at ease, as much as he can. ]

I'm not goin' anywhere, okay? It was a bad joke, forget I said anything.

[ Because heaven wants Gojyo to think that he's a half-human abomination, but they want Hakkai to think that he murdered a thousand people. Neither of them have too many good memories in their heads, do they?

Well. Except for the really good ones. ]

Besides, even if I did still feel that way, the folks in charge here would just distract me again with another sexy memory of you.

[Of course he hadn't meant anything by it -- except, perhaps, that he'd hit rock bottom with such force that he thought it was worth it to risk his life by staying with someone who had known him before. Still. Still...

Hakkai's so busy forcing his overflowing fear, and all of the standard thoughts of blood, loss and despair that come along with it, back under control that it takes him several more seconds to process Gojyo's last casual comment.

At last, he blinks.]

What kind of memory?

[What on earth kind of sexy memory could Gojyo have--]

[ Oh, he's definitely hit rock bottom. His decisions are all dictated by the crushing depression stewing in his brain, adding to the dissociative unreality of his situation and making him think that the stupidest, most self-destructive choices are fine and good -- necessary, even. And maybe submitting to Hakkai's rule will prove to be a bad decision too, but that's a risk he'll just have to take.

He chuckles at Hakkai's comment, though. ]

What, didn't I tell you? Every time I'm about to... you know. [ It upsets Hakkai to hear him talk about self-harm, so he'll just talk around it. Problem solved! ] I get a memory back, about me an' you. The first one was just us talkin', about bein' together forever, and I guess the boss didn't think that one had enough kick so this next time they gave me a good one.

[ A really good one. Good enough that just thinking around the edges of the memory should be enough for Hakkai to be able to feel his desire along the shinki link. ]

It wasn't just fuckin', though. It was... [ His voice trails off, and a spike of melancholy disturbs that warm sea of lust he'd been floating in. ] Heh. Like I said, somebody really wants me to trust you.

[Gojyo thinks he's being personally manipulated with the drip of memories back into his mind. That there's some single, individual "boss" out there trying to force him towards Hakkai. And he'd told Hakkai about that first memory, that heartbreaking night when he'd also told him that he had nearly killed himself just to make sure he couldn't remember who Hakkai was.

(So: every time I'm about to... you know. Had he tried again?)

And he remembers the two of them in bed together. The heated whisper of desire at one remove doesn't vanish, exactly, but it's swamped by the colder wave of Hakkai's shock.

Goku, Hakkai thinks dizzily, staring at Gojyo, remembers a battle with an enemy they hadn't yet encountered in Hakkai's most recent memories of home.

So it's not impossible that Gojyo remembers something Hakkai doesn't, too.

He feels sick, suddenly, as well as dizzy, and stumbles to his feet, managing an automatic, polite little excuse me as he makes for the door. He's not anywhere near steady.

That's how Gojyo's decided he can trust Hakkai, then. That's how Gojyo can say with such confidence that Hakkai loves him. That's how. It's like learning he'd been wearing his internal organs on the outside, walking around with his guts on full display and dripping with blood for everyone to see, and thinking himself neatly dressed. No wonder Ayumu had said what she had said.

He's making his way for the back porch. Maybe fresh air will help; if not, he'll sit there on the steps anyway, and see if he can shove all of his vulnerable bits back where they belong before he has to play reliable again.]

[ Well. Okay.

That answers that question.

He'd been expecting to be turned down when he finally got around to asking Hakkai about them, about the possibility of them... but he'd been hoping for that blank little smile and a polite rejection. A condescending pat on the head, maybe. Or shock, and disgust, and a quick change of the subject.

This is okay, though. At least he has his answer. Gojyo watches Hakkai leave, feeling the bottom drop out of his stomach with every step. What's the worst that can happen? Ken had crowed. It's almost funny. ]

He promised he'd stay, and he'll keep his promise. But he doesn't have to stay anywhere Hakkai will be forced to see him. Once Hakkai's out of the room Gojyo forces himself up, and then up the stairs. His room is small, but that's perfect -- he won't be able to get into any more trouble up there. ]

[There's a part of him, at first, that's pathetically grateful Gojyo hadn't followed him. It lasts long enough for him to not-quite-collapse down onto the back porch stairs. He breathes. Eventually, the shocked vulnerability starts to fade, and a more rational part of his brain murmurs:

Why hadn't Gojyo followed him?

Could it be, perhaps, that the admission was as vulnerable a moment for him as it had become for Hakkai?

Can he even safely say, I don't remember that, or must he remain silent? He swallows; his mouth is dry, and tastes of bile and cannoli cream. He hopes he can say something. He thinks he might have to say something, or risk pushing Gojyo away, again.

(He thinks he might be Gojyo's last log, right now, and though he hopes Gojyo remembers how to swim, it's only fair that he repay the favor.)

Weariness hits him as he stands up, and he wrinkles his nose. Staying on his feet and moving normally is enough to occupy his mind all the way into the sitting room, where the couch proves empty.

He closes his eyes. Two faint tugs lead him to the backyard, and there's a wash of emotion there that's not his own, and that leads him to suspect that those two are Chikusa and Ken. Gojyo, then, is the guilty sharp tightness in his chest, or at least the parts of it that aren't his own. Upstairs. Climbing the stairs at a normal pace, too, turns out to be enough to occupy his attention for the next twenty seconds before he has to rap his knuckles against Gojyo's doorframe.]

May I come in?

[ There's a knock at the door -- that'll be Hakkai, calmed down enough to come tell him to get out. Well, Gojyo's got no plans to make that hard on him.

He quickly checks his neck for blight -- his fingers come away clean, to his surprise -- and he schools his face into as blank an expression as he can before opening the door. ]

Let me save you the trouble. [ Still, he steps back a pace, in case Hakkai really does need to do this more privately. ] I can go to the bar, there's a futon there still. It should be safe by now.

I came to apologize, actually.

[Gojyo steps back; Hakkai, who very desperately doesn't want to have this conversation in the hall, steps inside, and leans back against the wall beside the door, trying to make it look casual and not as if he's exhausted from climbing the stairs.]

I shouldn't have reacted that way. You startled me.

I'm sorry.

[ Hakkai leans against the wall, putting as much space between himself and Gojyo as he can. Taking the hint Gojyo closes the door, then crosses the room to stand against the far wall, hands loose and useless at his sides. There's a chair by the desk, if Hakkai needs to sit -- Gojyo wouldn't dream of inviting him to sit on the bed. Not today. ]

I shouldn't have said that.

[For now, Hakkai's staying where he is. He could sit down, he supposes, but despite his exhaustion, he's too tense for that. He crosses his arms, instead, and leans slightly more of his weight against the wall.]

If you remember it, then -- it's just that I don't --

[Ah, this is going even more awkwardly than he'd thought.]

... sometimes, we remember different times, you see.

[ Well, that was unexpected. Although, really, he should have considered that option. ]

Yeah. Sometimes we don't have to same memories, I get that.

[ It just means that that's not the route they chose to get Hakkai to be drawn to him. Thinking about it, he really definitely should have guessed that. Hakkai's not a physical guy, is he? Not like that. He remembers, what, a friend? That's what he's been trying to get Gojyo to be from the beginning. And Gojyo responded by laughing about how many times he'd thought about Hakkai naked. He'd been so stupidly wrong about what Hakkai wanted from him, and he'd ruined their friendship. Again. ]

I'm really goddamn sorry.

It's not that different.

[It's not that he wouldn't have. It's just that they hadn't, between constantly fighting for their lives, injury, awkward proximity to Sanzo and Goku, and Hakkai not knowing how to say anything about --

-- well. He ducks his head.]

It's not that I don't...

[It's not that I don't love you.]

Do you remember when I first named you? You asked me, and I said, 'but you don't even like me.' I still don't know if you like me.

[He glances up, briefly, mouth quirking in a effort at a smile.]

Wanting me isn't the same.

I don't know you.

[ It's a simple answer, and it's nothing but the truth. Gojyo rubs at the knuckles of his wrong hand, looking everywhere but at Hakkai. He'd been doing so well keeping his guilt in check, but here, face to face with Hakkai? He can feel the blight spreading across the back of his neck, and it makes him want to put his fist through the wall. Why can't he control this shit? ]

I'm not here because I remember you, or because I want you. [ He does. He really does, but is that him or his memories? How can he ever know? ] I thought, if you had the same memories I did, that you'd want me. You'd want to help me, [ --he corrects himself. ] People around me keep getting hurt because of me, Hakkai, and I don't have anywhere else to go.

[ His voice trails off, and he squeezes his one hand with the other hard enough that his fingertips throb. Well that was pathetic. ]

No, you don't.

[And that's fine. It's nothing but the truth, after all, and Gojyo can get to know him again, regardless of what he remembers. Not knowing him is different from hating him, or being disgusted by him, or wanting him dead (or gone, at least; or forgotten.)

Gojyo's squeezing his tattoo-streaked hand hard enough that his fingertips are nearly white. Hakkai uncrosses his arms and pushes himself away from the wall, stepping towards him, reaching for that hand to loosen his grip before he hurts himself.]

I remember some of it, if not all. I want to help you.

[The sting of Gojyo's guilt is fierce. Hakkai blinks against it, forcing his tone to stay level.]

I've wanted to help you. I'm not very good at it, of course.

[ Ayumu (and Tsuzuki too) almost died because of him, because of his mistake, because of his stupidity. It'll be a long time before he can be right with himself over that. ]

Hakkai...

[ Hakkai reaches for his hand and Gojyo holds it out, not understanding -- and not really caring about -- his intent. If Hakkai wants his hand for some reason, he can have it. ]

I'm just going to keep fucking up. [ He manages a wry laugh. ] Chikusa said he's gonna push me down the stairs when I fuck up. If I stay here I'm just gonna be one big bruise.

[Gojyo holds his hand out, and Hakkai blinks again: he'd only wanted to keep Gojyo from doing damage, not knowing how well the circulation had been restored in that transplanted arm. He takes Gojyo's hand, regardless, turning it palm up and looking down at the lines there. Life, that's the upper line; love is the lower....]

Yes, well, it could be educational.

Besides, Chikusa doesn't move very quickly. I'm sure you can dodge.

[Gojyo's lifeline is longer than his own, he reflects, and wonders again about memory, and when it might be that their souls were really drawn here. More quietly, he continues.]

I probably will, too.

[ The lifeline should be short, on that hand. After all, the owner's dead.

Although, really, the owner of the other hand is dead, too. ]

What did I say, earlier? To make you leave? [ The only way he's going to get better at being a person is to confront his mistakes head-on, he thinks. He's tried ignoring them, running from them, drowning them. Nothing worked. Will this work? What else can he try, if this doesn't work? ] It was because I've been thinkin' about you that way, right? When it wasn't real?

won't you take me

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cw, reference to suicide

Re: cw, reference to suicide

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let's just blanket cw: suicidal talk for the rest of this conversation

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