thenearshore | [Closed] I'm so scared about the future

[ The Christmas thing is... happening. Out of the all decorations the only one Caster is familiar with is obviously, the mistletoe. Albeit he is familiar in a different way.

Everyone seems to be content to celebrate this day at their own pace, he keeps away though. No need to ruin others day by how uncaring he is about this holiday. But then there is a sudden rush of intense emotions- too fast and too strong to try and name them. So he leaves his room, to check on his shinki.

The first two he runs into look okay - although Archer is a cagey asshole so he absolutely might hide something - but before going suspicion route he decides to find Ginia. Who mysteriously is absent from more of the public spaces.

And if she's Not Okay she's probably not in her room, but in the training room or shooting range space. ]

Hey, anyone there?

[ He announces himself as he braves the stairs ]

[Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammitdammitdammitdammit

The hard concussive slap of limbs on leather is the answer to Caster's call. Ginia drums away on the heavy bag, following up hard punches with her right fist with hard kicks with both legs, left fist maintaining a defensive stance. She resets for another attack, stopping as she spots Caster.

Crushing sadness, fear, guilt, annoyance, those are all feelings Caster's felt from her, but raw anger is uncommon. Her posture is tense, wound tight to the point of snapping, her expression an intense mask with hard eyes and set jaw. Ginia releases a shuddering breath. If he's here, it isn't by accident.]

Sorry.

[She signs the word and rubs her face, brushing sweat away. But an apology can't help how she's feeling right now. Ginia stalks over to the bench and grabs her phone, pulling up her private conversation with Ayumu and shoving the phone into his hands. There. Clarity. As he reads, Ginia sags onto the bench, sipping her water and trying to calm down to not inconvenience Caster.]

[ Caster reads it without a word but his brows furrows. The woman they abluted, Ginia's friend or whoever it is. Returned from the dead, as a god.

He can only read it and think - what a pointless way to commit suicide. He knows how death wish works. He's seen it in action. To go out in the flame of glory is one thing, here there was no glory, only pain and suffering caused by resisting the help ]

So she's back, huh. [ He gives her back the phone ]

Edited 2018-07-31 21:17 (UTC)

[Ginia nods. Ayumu is back and she's a god and Ginia can't decide whether that's fucked up or maybe as it should be. Bringing her back as a shinki wouldn't have made things better, it'd only be a matter of time before Ayumu needed an ablution again, right?

A prisoner of war tortured to death.

How is that fair to Chikusa and Ken? To Hakkai and Goku? They cared, dammit, they didn't want her to die and that's how she saw their actions? If they meant so little, surely she meant nothing.]

If she wanted to die so bad, she should have killed herself before anyone else got involved.

[The words are nasty and cold, but Ginia is done being polite and putting on a good face. The words come so quick because she's mulled on that during and since the ablution, but the dark underlying layer is also because the rest of the sentence is "that's what I would have done."

It's a flawed mindset of a broken individual who thinks very little of herself, who would rather die than hurt the ones she holds so dear (as if somehow her death and lost memories wouldn't hurt them more). Ginia flounders in her anger. Now that the words she's kept so close are out, there's only regret and guilt.]

That was cold. I shouldn't have said that.

You sure apologize a lot. Especially for something that wasn't your fault.

[ The ablution didn't fail because people performing it lacked skill. It was sabotaged from within. He already heard part of the story from Chikusa, and while it might not be enough to truly form an opinion- he wasn't there, he isn't associate, he doesn't even care for this woman- for him it's enough. Two people he knows and he likes were hurt in the process.

He can empathize, he can be compassionate even, but his priority will always be his people. Ayumu is a stranger and doesn't get a preferential treatment. ]

See, I agree. She wanted to die but even in that, she refused to stain her own hands.

[ Was this cruel? He doesn't care ]

[Ginia flinches at the light rebuke, biting back an apology. It still, in part, feels like her fault. Her borderline was the one that broke, she was stabbed for her efforts. That's on her, right? If she was stronger, if she held out longer.

(If Ayumu talked, if she wasn't released, if she never agreed to be there...)

A shinki has to want an ablution to work for it to succeed.

Sometimes you can't save others from themself.

What had happened? What did Ayumu go through that death was the preferable option, but still not be able to kill herself? What or who stopped her? Everyone wanted her to live, that much is clear. No one would have put her through an ablution if they didn't care. It's a point of clarity against her own downfall, but it scares Ginia all the same.

The last thing she wants to do is put the people she cares about the most through so much pain.]

If I wanted to die, would you let me?

[ Caster makes a frustrated noise as he massages the nape of his neck in an awkward gesture. ]

Sheesh, Spunky. You're just like my mentor, putting me on a spot like that.

[ "If I wanted to die-"

There is nothing wrong with dying. Everything comes to an end, meeting it on your own terms puts a great end to the long story. And if someone knows exactly what they want, it would be rude to their friendship, to their bond to decline.

He sees nothing wrong dying, but he'd rather not kill any more of his friends, thank you. He was granted the cursed spear because he was deemed to be the best student of Scáthach. Unfortunately, like everything it came with strings attached, best student was someone that could be able to surpass the teacher, and to end her already long life.

He didn't succeed in that, for the record, but he didn't learn about this failure in his life. ]

Before I answer- Why we suddenly went there?

[ Please, don't make him promise this shit again ]

[Ginia crosses her arms and looks down at her feet, her phone tapping against her elbow. It's for his sake, it always comes back to his sake. There is nothing she wouldn't give or do for his own happiness and she's a threat to that, it's only right to cut her loose to save him. If she dies, maybe she'll come back and have a chance to start over. Or she won't come back all and Caster will be better off without her.

(Or maybe she'll come back as a god.)

But she remembers Archer's sudden anger too when she suggested similar to him, how he'd yelled and shook her. He cares, but sometimes care is the knife that cuts the sharpest.]

I don't know.

[Tears well up in her eyes as she signs, the delicate patchwork job holding back her emotions since the ablution tearing open again.]

I don't know. I don't know. I can't hurt you like Ayumu was doing to Goku. I don't even want things to get that bad, but I'm afraid I won't know until it's too late, and then I'll hurt Archer and Lancer and I don't want that! I don't want to hurt any of you, I love all of you too much for that! I'd rather die if that's the case!

[Are her signs even making sense? Does Caster even know enough to understand? It doesn't matter; they spill out as she dissolves into tears, all her fears and sadness throbbing along their shared link.]

[ The feelings are so intense it stuns him for a second. So much sadness, so much fear-- for a moment he's close to hating that woman who hurt Ginia so much. But it's brief, and he has to focus on the situation at hand.

He walks closer trying to catch Ginia in an embrace, not sure what to do if she resists. Give her space, probably but still stay close. ]

Shhh... You're not like her.

[ "Love" is such a heavy word, but it proves the reality of this temple. ]

Just- cry. Let everything out. [ Sometimes it's easy to let it out with anger, with violence. but sometimes there is just grief and mourning and you can't let that bottled emotions rot inside because it will poison you. ] You saw something terrible and terrifying, but you're not that woman.

[Ginia tenses slightly as his arms wrap around her, but ultimately what Ginia needs is a hug. She sags against him, face pressing into his shoulder as her arms wrap around his back, the pressure from her right arm stronger than her left.

"You're not her." But what if she is? Caster isn't a shinki, he doesn't understand what it's like not knowing who you are, having scant bits of context if you're lucky, knowing there's only a death sentence if you look too deep, fall too far. Ginia doesn't know what Ayumu went through, but that could be her, trapped in three borderlines, covered in blight.

Her tears wick into his cloak, fur trim ticking her skin. She shudders as she tries to breath past her sobs, willing herself to calm down, looking over his shoulder as she types.]

She broke my borderline after she turned ayakashi. Smashed through it like it was nothing and stabbed me.

[Let everything out. It's the last bit of failure she's been clinging to, the drive to push herself more and more.]

[ Caster's hug grows tighter and his hand starts to soothingly thread through her hair. He does admire her willingness to admit to the failure. It takes guts to do that. ]

The borderlines aren't absolute. Maybe she broke yours because that's the one she focused on. It could be any other one.

[ Sure, he wasn't there. He doesn't know the full scope of the situation. But going down the road of "weakest link" isn't going to do Ginia any good. Ultimately borderlines are just spells, and spells can be broken, tampered with, twisted and dispelled. He wipes a stray tear off her cheek as he continues ]

I'm proud of you. You took an incredible risk to follow your beliefs.

[ Ultimately the "right thing to do" differs from person to person. But it doesn't matter if you succeed in doing that, what matters that you follow that road without looking back ]

[Maybe. It happened so fast; the transformation, the attack. Maybe she was weak, maybe it was a unlucky roll of the dice. It's not like she wanted Chikusa or Ken to get attacked first. How many hours were they out there holding borderlines? She can't remember.

Beliefs. Ginia huffs, raspy and low, the sound petering into a sniffle and a small cough.]

I didn't know her well. We spoke once. But Chikusa asked for help. I couldn't say no.

[She could have said no. It's a question she's turned around since her recovery again and again. Beliefs. Help those in need, help your allies. Could she have said no to him? To anyone? No. Because her own beliefs, her way of being wouldn't let her walk away. Ginia sighs into his shoulder, holding him as she stares at the floor.]

Chikusa is a friend.

[ Caster likes the kid and he sees why Ginia would want to help him if he went forward and ask. The guy needs friends, at least in Caster's opinion, and he is glad that he got one in Ginia. The fact that the friendship put her in danger is non-issue to him.

Anyone would help a friend if it was within the realm of the possibility and weaves of oaths and promises, again, he thinks. In a sense it's lucky they are all on the same side ]

He doesn't seem like a type to trust many people, so it's a good proof of something very valuable you have.

[Friend. What a strange, weighty word for human relationships. It's easy to feel like she doesn't have friends because "allies" creates a level of distance. It's a promise to be there, to watch someone's back, to help them out, and friends has that too, but it's also different. It's a level of care and concern that's scary because when they're hurt, they're upset, it hurts too.

Ginia is good at lying to herself. Aren't the presents appearing for her today a sign of the friendships she's made, of how much people care for her because she cares in return?]

I guess.

[There's a brief pause before adding on, more honestly:]

I don't regret helping him. But I don't know if I can do another ablution either. Not for someone I don't know.

Because there is nothing to regret. We saw Chikusa's gratitude in action.

[ Friends and allies are different things. Being allies might be temporary, being friends, however, that runs much deeper. Unfortunately, it's not always possible to be both friends and allies at the same time. That's when things get messy.

Caster gives her hair one last gentle stroke, when he tilts his head to give a kiss to Ginia's forehead. ]

Learning experience, eh? It's good to know one's limits.

[ SO YOU CAN GO BEYOND THEM, cough, but going beyond is usually left for good reasons. Knowing Ginia, it is uncertain if she would refuse a request of help. Which is worrying because it might get herself killed one day. On the other hand, they're all dead here anyway.

But it's still pretty traumatic to live through your own death. The memory of the void has yet to appear in his dreams, and he hopes it never does. That's a kind of fate he would never wish upon his friend- but he would also understand if they chose it. ]

[Know your limits, surpass them, it's a constant process in Ginia's life, driven by the need to stay useful and not fall behind. Be a good shinki, protect those you care about, be stronger. It's helped having a shooting range to practice in, a new spell to focus and try to make progress on, but doubt and insecurity and jelousy braid together into the noose around her neck and it'll either strangle her or she'll break free.

Ginia presses a kiss to his neck, lips lingering. Her head rests against his as she holds him a little tighter, emotions settling in a tired calm.]

Thank you for everything, Cú, for being there, for listening even when I've been so much trouble.

[ Caster feels it's not enough. His words alone can't help here, he doesn't even know what to say. All he can hope that being around and just letting the time do it's due might in the end prove helpful in the process of healing. He locks his hands behind her, keeping her close. They could stay like this giving each other warmth for who knows how long but- ]

You know... I think- I think we could try a sauna. [ The injury is far from being healed, but it's no longer a fresh, swollen wound. Ginia is tough and healing surprisingly fast, and maybe, maybe the runes are helping too. He even started reading some easy introductions to injuries and medicine to understand the process better. ]

I was thinking I'd soak in the hot spring outside.

[Since the district move granted them a larger space with hot spring pools included, Ginia has taken advantage of the facilities on a near daily basis. Whether the water does or doesn't have healing properties, the hot water feels amazing after a good workout or a cold, long day. Relaxing is as good for the mind as it is the body.]

Care to join me?

[ The sauna was a suggestion because he had to dissuade her from it once, due to the health reasons. But hot springs sound even better. Especially since it's snowing- ]

You think I'd prefer solitary sauna over your company in the springs?

[ You don't have to ask him twice, he'll even start slowly moving in the right direction, keeping his arm around her- and oh, who care about walking. Blink, and they're at the door to the changing section. ]

[The sauna is great, but the hot springs trumps it most days. How spoiled they are by the gifts granted through the Heavens. Doubly spoiled as Caster teleports them to the changing room. Ginia pulls out a wicker basket full of hair ties, clips, and pins set aside for their sake (and any other long-haired guests that wish to use their hot spring.)]

Let me help you with your hair.

[Helping Caster tie and pin his hair up is the least she can do for him, but it's also a little self-serving; she'll never tire of running her fingers through his silky hair. She pulls his hair into a long tail with a brass hairclip, fingers sectioning out his hair and starting to weave them into a long braid.]

[ Caster makes a face as if he is thinking about reply- whether to give permissions or not. Like there is any doubt about his answer. ]

Only if I can help you with yours.

[ A fair trade, no? The fondness for hair is mutual, Caster loves to run and play with the curled strands. Finding new ways to mess it up or set them up- A different kind of hair that he was used to- Emer had her long but straight. Perfect for experimenting with braids.

There is no lie, he keeps his hair long because he enjoys when his lover plays with them. The braid is, however, a surprise, forces him to stay in place for longer. ]

Hmm, you're feeling creative, I feel.

[ If that could make Ginia feel better, he would allow braids everyday. ]

[If they were headed elsewhere instead of a shower and a soak in the hot baths, Ginia would consider trying something a little more creative and stylish. There are the hair rings she bought him, the offer to braid his hair, a chance to experiment later. Right now she does nothing more braid, fingers moving fast as she plaits over and over. His hair is truly beautiful, fine and silky, a blue the envy of sapphires.

The image of his arms bound behind his back by his hair flashes into Ginia's mind. It's not an unpleasant thought. With all the jokes they've made about tying each other up, probably not an unwelcome suggestion. Her cheeks warm at the idea and her fingers quicken, tying off the end with a hair tie. She lifts the braid and wraps it around his head like a crown, tucking the end in at the side and pinning it in place.

Her fingers linger on his back and neck, sliding across as she moves around to look from the front, making a few adjustments before she's satisfied. On another occasion, it could use something ornamental, a metal woven in and out or some decorative beads or rings. It's still nice in its simplicity and Ginia admires him, a tiny breath escaping. Caster is devastatingly handsome and she'll never tire looking at him.]

Your turn.

Edited 2018-08-11 18:01 (UTC)

[ The gentle touch, the reverence he can suspect- feel in it- almost breaks his heart. Instead of the transient creature, being a grounding person in someone else life feels almost wrong. He can't just disappear on her, and he can't let her down- he's needed here and this sort of responsibility given to someone who is literally just a memory sounds like a cruel joke. ]

[ So he has to turn that cruelty around, turn it into a happy ending for at least one person. He turns around staring at her intently- those curls pose a challenge but he thinks he got that figured out. He puts his hands on her cheeks, gives her a toothy grin and kisses a corner of her mouth- then he moves the hands, pulling back her hair and making a dividing two sections by her ears. ]

Hey, give me a helping hand. [ He's got only two hands oops. Fortunately, it's not hard to gesture and indicate that he wants her to hold one of the side sections until he finds a clip and sets that one aside. He nudges finger under her chin to turn her head to a side so he can start working on the first braid. ]

[ Ginia is incredibly pretty, and he has a fondness for her profile. Especially when she looks at him with a corner of her eye. Happy ending, yes. What would that be in this world? Do shinki move on one day to a proper after-life? Or is simply serving several lifetimes to a god they want to work for that kind of happiness. ]

[ And the first braid is done, he ties it at the end. ] Now look in the opposite direction, please,

[ Their closeness natural, pleasant and relaxing. They could fight, sleep or just work their hair like this and it would feel like all is right in the world. But it isn't. Ginia's heart carries deep wounds, and he's no healer, no druid to know how to mend it. ]

[Ginia's mouth lifts at the kiss, his fingers on her cheeks. She would kiss him back, but the moment is fleeting, fingers sliding into her curly mane, holding the ends until he can clip it and resume working.

It's moments like this she treasures, carving the moment into her mind and heart. There is no permanence here, not when the new gods are taken from their own time and world. There's unfinished business for many of them and disappearing is perhaps a form of mercy and kindness. But what about someone like Cu, who is exactly who he is, but also his legend long over? His legends will always live on, told again and again through countless generations, but he is dead.

What happens if he leaves?

But why dwell on possibilities when he's here now, tangible and close. She could stop him with a kiss if she wanted, tangle her hands into his hair and ruin all his hard work, breathe him in again and again.

There are a lot of things she could do. Ginia remains still, turning her head as he indicates so he can braid her hair. The peace of the moment is what she wants most. The quiet room, always a warm and humid from the pool of water nearby, the gentle lap of water as it burbles up from deep within the earth. Even if in a few more days Ginia finds herself back in the wash room with Caster, his hands weaving through her hair, it won't be the same. Each moment is special, cherished.

Things hurt, maybe they'll hurt again once they leave the room, when she lays in bed and the dark of the night threatens to swallow her whole. Right now, everything feels okay.]

[ The second braid he finishes much quicker. Since he figured out the correct technique with the first one. But there is still a lot of hair - mane indeed - to have safely put up. Once again with a hand gently nudging her chin, he makes her face him again.

Ahh, it's hard to not just kiss her- But it might get out of hand, they might find it difficult to stop. No, they have to get to those springs first. What happens next, time will tell.

He leans closer, brushes his lips against her forehead and slides his fingers into the rest of her mane, collecting and sectioning it for the final, third braid. When all three are down, he pins them just above the nape of her neck. With a bit more flourish it could have been a very elegant hairstyle fit for ceremonies and what not. ]

And, done. [ There is something symbolic about submerging body in water. And there is a reason why each temple has a sacred spring with purifying water. ] Shall we?

[As the two with the longest hair in the temple, they should take advantage of that and braid each other's hair more. Ginia touches the pinned braids, her smile warm and content. Her hands rest on Caster's chest as she kisses the corner of his mouth, keeping the kiss restrained.

Ginia pulls away to undress, folding up her clothes and dropping them into a basket. Her shower is fast, a cool water utilitarian scrub and rinse in favor of getting into the pool as quickly as possible. The water feels hotter, almost stinging as she slips into the water, submerging up to her shoulders as she stretches out. Whether the water has healing properties or not, it feels nice on her still sore shoulder.]

Now that we have a hot spring, we should think about what to wish for next if the temple moves again.

[Closed] I'm so scared about the future

another post-ablution

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CW: suicidal ideation

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