thenearshore | You were in the darkness too

Entry tags:

You were in the darkness too

Who: Archer and Caster
When: December 27th
Where: Dún Dealgan, Caster's temple
What: Archer suddenly remembers a few hours from his past and a certain Servant;
Warnings: violence Servant style in memories, PTSD, will update if needed

Archer wakes up with the start, flashes of his dream still playing with surprising clarity. It's his past, he knows it, one of the forgotten pieces that shinki can sometimes remember.

Caster is here too, his breath steady, warm weight anchoring Archer to reality. He can still feel the phantom pain and the blood trickling down from the non-existing wound. It's been real, much too real to shake off immediately.

Lancer. Saber. Golden Servant and the priest - the details are a bit murky, muddled with remembered feel of his body giving up and his stubborn resolve to not die. How many times had he pushed himself further ignoring his own weakness? This much haven't really changed.

Lancer. Caster. Cú Chulainn. Archer presses the heel of his hand to his closed eyes and swallows. A Servant that, in the end, stayed true to his beliefs. The irony of him forced once again to break one oath to keep the other; how many times has Cú Chulainn suffered the same fate again and again?

He forces himself to calm down and steady his breath, to push aside all the jumbled feelings awaken by the dream - no, his memory - to avoid waking Caster up.

Too late.

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[Archer accepts the offering without a second glance. He takes a deep drag of smoke. It's comforting that Caster is here and is willing to listen, even if the Grail War Archer's going to talk about isn't something he does remember.]

They've been talking, another Master and her. About how it's possible to have Holy Grail appear even if one more Servant has to die. Then-- [Archer closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.] -I remembered a burning city.

[It's not easy to talk about it. It's not easy to think about it. There's an echo of remembered pain and suffering, although Archer focuses on mostly keeping his feelings to himself.]

Fire as far as eye can see. People screaming and pleading as they were dying- but I've kept walking, wishing to be saved.

It was something you remembered at that moment, yes?

[ Caster blurts out to confirm, and immediately after goes "oh shit" internally. Should not ask questions, should not encourage this behavior, and so on, other godly responsibilities. But who else Archer has to talk this to. Disastrous to any other shinki, while any other god could consider it a breach and "too much information".

Wishing to be saved, huh? ]

Yes.

...I was the only survivor.

[That's why Archer trusts him so much. Those memories are safe to talk about, but at the same time it's a double edged blade. Caster asks the question despite the fact that's he's treading on thin ice, offering no judgement. It's more than Archer could ever ask for.]

...this Master told me that I could save all that was lost in that incident, if I use the Holy Grail.

[ Caster snatches the cigarette from Archer hands. He might forget about it otherwise. But getting ash on the sheets is a pain, besides he knows that Archer is more comfortable talking about personal things when his expression is not visible- an annoying tic, but if that makes it easier... He sits on the edge of the bed, feet touching the cold floor. ]

Uh-huh. The wish-granting cup. That part never changes. [ He wants to say it's all fake, smoke and mirrors anyway. There is something else there, and maybe the whole Grail War was always just a damn lie. But he can't, even if their Wars are different, he's still wary of talking about it.

The War was different, the city was the same. And it burned, it burned so bad in Caster's war. ]

I guess many people want to use that thing to change the past.

[Archer chuckles dryly. He doesn't move, although he notices that Caster does.]

I refused.

[It's the conviction he still believes into; what has been lost can never be undone. Turning back the time would make all the pain nothing but a lie.]

So the priest asked Saber to kill me in exchange for the Grail.

[He's thankful that Caster knows him well enough to allow him privacy and doesn't force unnecessary eye contact. That tiny bit of relief manifests on their link.]

[ How fortunate Caster can't really remember The Priest, on the other hand, they could bond over Kirei being "generally shitty person." But that's not happening, and instead, Caster moves closer until he bumps his bicep into Archer shoulder. They're facing into opposite directions but hey- buddy, if you move, you could be used as a backrest.

That's better support than offering a hug right? ]

I'd guess she didn't-?

[ It's only a very vague realization that the Saber was generally okay, stuck-up and way too serious, but okay. Unless corrupted. Besides in The Many Deaths of Emiya, there was not one including her. It does remind him of how many of them were out there. ]

[Calling Kirei a shitty person is like calling darkened Saber fluffy. Archer shifts lightly so that he can lean against Caster; that bit of contact is welcome and doesn't feel awkward at all. They're just using each other as a backrest, right.]

You're right, she didn't.

[Some wishes cannot be granted. Some choices cannot be undone. Archer was aware of this fact, but still followed the path that he had choosen.]

It was lucky that she didn't. The priest - the last Master - knew that the Grail was corrupted from the beginning. He had another Servant aside Lancer, one that stayed after the previous war ended.

[ Caster leans even harder back, so he can put back of his head on Archer's shoulder, as he lets out a big puff of smoke. In few recent weeks, he's been very intensely reminded of all the responsibility he holds for his shinki. He did tense for a moment though.

The last Master having "Servant aside Lancer." Hah, so he drew a short straw there? Archer mentioned him being there, and he can't imagine himself as anything other than a Lancer. ]

Last Master? Wouldn't he be the winner then? Or are you saying that-

[ -you were the other Master left ]

[For a moment Archer rests his cheek against Caster's jaw, contact too brief to be anything but a light caress.]

Yes, I was Saber's Master.

[If anything, it does explain his knowledge about the Grail system. All the other questions it brings he choses to ignore.]

Anyway, the priest ordered his Servants to finish us and left. The golden Servant was too happy to do so, but- [here Archer tilts his head so Caster can see a hint of soft, bittersweet smile.] -you weren't. It wasn't anything personal, just a matter of beliefs. That's what you said.

What.

[ For a moment everything freezes. His Master ordered him and he refused the order? Maybe, could happen if it was something truly abhorrent, but it is also a way of forcing Master's hand a bit. Literally, since it requires only one command spell to make the order stick. A way out in a sense. Command Spell makes all of the responsibility belong purely to Master.

Why would he not follow his Master's order? There must be a bigger context they're missing, but it unsettles him a little. With what kind of Master was he stuck exactly? Shit, he shouldn't be asking those questions. ]

You were unaware that he had another Servant and that he knew of Grail's corruption. Moreover, he said plainly that all he wished for in this war was entertainment.

[Archer's voice colors mildly with disgust.]

The priest admitted that he wished for the people to be gone. That was the cause of burning city.

[Burning Fuyuki of his dream.]

[ Surprise Servant, knowledge about that mud and knowingly following with the ritual- in a way it could be seen as Master betraying his Servant first, and when one person breaks the oath, the other side is no longer bound to it.

But he can't help but wonder- did the burning of Fuyuki he remembers is the same in Archer's flashback? In theory, it shouldn't be, it was a Singularity, an aberration that was corrected. But something like a war in Fuyuki still happened. And perhaps, burning the city is an unchanging consequence ]

Tch. Asshole. [ He mutters through his teeth. ] The Grail I know was broken and corrupted too. Maybe the whole ritual is a farce.

[ Shame, because again, ancient heroes duking it out for fame and glory does appeal to him. ]

Perhaps it is. Perhaps it's only this paricular vessel that's corrupted.

[Archer shrugs lightly, careful not to jostle Caster. He gets that wish for epic fights and duels.]

You still saved my life.

[After stabbing him twice, but hey, that's a detail he doesn't remember.]

[ Archer, stop. That wasn't him, that was other him. He can't even remember what the hell happened but- ehh, gotta trust himself on a judgment right made?

It's the gratitude he feels is unneeded. So he snorts, and teases, turning around just to poke into Archer's shoulder ]

Looks like you found another reason to fall for me. [ At least until he remembers getting killed around the burning town, and stuff like that. Most people don't take well being killed, be it an epic fight or just casual murder.

A joke was necessary here to lighten atmosphere the bit though. Archer is dark and serious enough as it is, and of course, memory that gets returned to him fits that image. ]

How do you feel, any better after letting that out?

[Archer chuckles a bit dryly. He has to admit to himself that at least a part of his fondness for Servant clad in blue may stem from this particular memory.]

A bit. [he admits quietly. It's a relief to talk to someone who gets it, especially the darker side of things. But there is something he wants to know.]

Do you feel like telling me about your war?

Let me know if there is anything else I can do. [ He turns around and messes Archer's hair just to be an annoyance. Only after that, he addresses the question, with a serious tone in his voice ]

Is that a professional curiosity or?

[ From one veteran to another. Or is it just a distraction. Or maybe an honest interest. Caster asked this question just to buy time anyway. He wonders if this is a topic he's allowed to touch. The burning town could sound familiar, so would the corrupted Grail. Even without mentioning Archer's presence there, wouldn't that be enough to be dangerous?

Is it something he wants to share at all? It's been how many months... enough to almost forget. ]

[Archer just rolls his eyes, although he doesn't dodge the gesture. With a start he realizes that he doesn't mind it. Caster has wormed his way under all of his defenses to see him at his most vulnerable.]

I'm just curious. You know about the darker side of grail wars, and I apparently have too much knowledge about the whole system. [Archer grimaces and waves his hand.] If you want to, of course.

[ Does he really? Is that a story he wants to tell?

On the other hand, is there anyone who would want to listen aside Archer? Trust is hard-earned but what else Archer was doing for past- what, almost half of a year- if not earning it. ]

It wasn't going well from the start. [ Finally he snorts. Well, he can at least try talking about it. How it goes is another matter. ] I mean, someone else summoned a Lancer-class Servant first, so this is how I ended like. My Master was surprised, but not disappointed.

[ A shame they did not get to spend more time together. He really liked her from the start. ]

[Archer is half expecting Caster to just shrug and change the topic. He's startled even more by the clear sign of trust, and silently wovs to himself to never break it.

It's a familiar tone he hears, of Caster's dislike for his class showing. Has he ever been summoned in different class before? Most likely not.]

Sounds like a string of bad luck.

[ Oh he does remember being summoned as a different class. Very vaguely. Hence the frustration. His first time as a Caster and it's going a long way. ]

Few things are as fickle as luck. [ Which is why he does not bet on it too much ] But it's a severe understatement. That war went south really fast.

[ There is little excitement to this tale, really. ]

Saber somehow reached the Grail. It corrupted her, and then she defeated and dragged along the rest of the Servants. Aside from me.

[ There is the smallest hint of pride now. Normally it would be something FUN, to stand as the sole warrior against all odds and enemy forces larger than anything could be imagined. ]

[Archer cannot ignore how detached Caster sounds from his own story. It's when he hears the tiniest hint of pride that he decides to act. He's flexible enough to turn around without disrupting Caster, to let him lean against his chest and pull him closer.]

A lone warrior against all odds. Sounds like an epic tale. [he says resting his chin on Caster's shoulder.] I take it she never managed to corrupt you.

[It is a solemn tale, though, and he understands the reluctance to share it.]

[ And suddenly- hugs. Hugs are good for all, but when they come from your detached, overly serious shinki, slash, lover, you know the thing is serious. It makes Caster laugh briefly, almost snort. But he enjoys physical closeness, so he leans into the embrace. ]

You flatter, me Archer. [ Maybe if spun right, it could be an epic tale. ] It's kind of boring when I tell it, though.

[ It doesn't feel like an achievement, even if he technically won the war. Maybe because the war didn't go as it was supposed to go. ]

The city went up in flames, I lost my Master- others were goners by then I think. I couldn't continue without her for obvious reasons... but I know she would want me to do something about this mess.

[ He rubs the nape of his neck, and tries not to focus on breath he feels on his skin. ]

So I did. I dispatched two of the corrupted Servants before unexpected happened. A magus, a strange Servant and a kid that was her Master. They were sent to help, but in the process got lost too. So I offered them a temporary alliance.

[ How did he stay materialized and stoked on magic until that point? Uh, that's ~~a mystery~~ He will answer if questioned but won't just throw that detail out there- speaking of details, he flicks Archer's forehead ]

Hey, now we're talking about me, not you. You okay with that?

[It's a detail that Archer knows the answer to, his knowledge of Grail system still fresh in his memory. He understands Caster's reluctance to share this detail. It must have taken a long time, with corrupted Servants running freely. He's not going to ask if the Saber from the tale is the same Saber that he remembers; the less he knows the better. Soothingly he strokes Caster's shoulder. It must've been too hard on him, losing his Master like that and trying to survive and win this war for her sake.

And there comes the unexpected flick.]

Hmph.

[Dammit, Caster!]

I'm fine. [Archer rubs his forehead just for show. It's a distraction tactic, he knows that much.]

So you helped them to win the war?

[ No, it's all good. No one needs to know how he fed on the dying residents. No one needs to know how #notsorry he is about the whole ordeal, he could be either dead or trying to set thing right, and there was no one to save them either.

But while he might not be sorry about it, he's also not proud of it. Something Archer could perhaps understand all to well- something he doesn't want to be understood about. See, this is why Servants are abominations. ]

And there goes my story- [ The complaint is airy, because he's glad for the rush. The sooner they're done with this the better. ] Pretty much, yes? That Servant girl was purely defensive type - and damn good at it - so I let her and her shield tackle the "protecting" part.

[ He leans onto Archer again tapping into all the warmth the other man wants to give ]

We got the Grail, defeated anyone who tried to stop. And everything in the era was supposedly set right after that. The end.

[Too bad that Archer understands both, and in understanding he doesn't see the need to mention it. Those were casualties of war, and sometimes to save others you have to sacrifice lives. Looking at the bigger picture the corrupted Grail and Servants running amok were bigger concerns than saving humans who would die no matter what.

What he can understand is that Caster should be more proud of the fact that he won, and while he wasn't the only Servant of this odd Master, he was the one to fight.]

How many Servants does it make? [he wonders aloud, not keen on knowing who were they or how exactly it went. Knowledge is a double-edged blade. Perhaps Caster fought one of the shinki he met here, perhaps it was Saber or Lancer-

no, he doesn't even want to consider such possibility.

With a surprising ease he focuses on the Servant that's trying to leech all of his warmth, and pulls him into strong embrace.]

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