Cho Hakkai (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
reformedsinner) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thenearshore2018-08-29 04:15 pm
reformedsinner) wrote in thenearshore2018-08-29 04:15 pm
[closed]
Who: Cho Hakkai, Kakimoto Chikusa, Joshima Ken
When: Jan 11, evening
Where: Li Tieguai's temple
What: Hakkai appreciates that his homicidal teenagers are just looking out for his well-being, but can they stop accosting his ex?
Warnings: Just conversation, though sensitive subjects may come up -- warnings in comment titles.
[He's had a long to-do list today. It's deliberate; keeping himself busy helps, although he finds himself checking his phone (and pausing, vague-eyed, to check on his shinki) more often than he strictly needs to.
It's been a few days since Chikusa's disastrous encounter with Gojyo. Things, as far as Hakkai can tell, aren't likely to get much better between himself and Gojyo, not in the short term. Things certainly aren't likely to get any friendlier between Chikusa and Gojyo. In other words: he's going to need to make sure that at least they don't have any confrontations ending in violence.
Not again, anyway.
He texts Chikusa and Ken after lunch: We need to talk about dealing with Gojyo. After dinner?
And, unless they skip out on dinner, as soon as the dishes are clean he's sitting back down at the table, taking a deep breath, and trying to set things in order in his mind. It's always easier to have difficult conversations in a relaxed setting, he's read. He's not sure it's true.]
When: Jan 11, evening
Where: Li Tieguai's temple
What: Hakkai appreciates that his homicidal teenagers are just looking out for his well-being, but can they stop accosting his ex?
Warnings: Just conversation, though sensitive subjects may come up -- warnings in comment titles.
[He's had a long to-do list today. It's deliberate; keeping himself busy helps, although he finds himself checking his phone (and pausing, vague-eyed, to check on his shinki) more often than he strictly needs to.
It's been a few days since Chikusa's disastrous encounter with Gojyo. Things, as far as Hakkai can tell, aren't likely to get much better between himself and Gojyo, not in the short term. Things certainly aren't likely to get any friendlier between Chikusa and Gojyo. In other words: he's going to need to make sure that at least they don't have any confrontations ending in violence.
Not again, anyway.
He texts Chikusa and Ken after lunch: We need to talk about dealing with Gojyo. After dinner?
And, unless they skip out on dinner, as soon as the dishes are clean he's sitting back down at the table, taking a deep breath, and trying to set things in order in his mind. It's always easier to have difficult conversations in a relaxed setting, he's read. He's not sure it's true.]
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[But while he's doing that...]
[Chikusa isn't going to make a promise he can't keep.]
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He can poison you, Ken declares dramatically, he won't let you help him anyway.
Hakkai's expression freezes over, inch by inch, growing cold and remote.]
Yes, Ken, he can. So could you. That risk is just part of naming a shinki. I trust him not to kill me, and I don't care about a little blight.
[If Gojyo truly, sincerely tried to kill him, Hakkai is not sure he'd resist. But that's not where they are. Yes, Gojyo's upset. Hakkai's upset, too; they'd had a nasty fight, and he feels betrayed, and he wouldn't be surprised if Gojyo feels the same. That doesn't mean they're a deadly danger to each other.]
Whether he does it on purpose or not, I don't care.
He wouldn't be the first friend I allowed to poison me, would he, Chikusa?
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[The words trail off as Ken hunkers down, looking between Chikusa and Hakkai; there's a sharp ache of confusion and hurt that Hakkai will be privy to. Ayumu had thought that Ken and Chikusa and Hakkai were like the people who tortured and killed her, simply because they'd been trying to save her with an ablution; now Hakkai seems to think that Ken potentially hurting him by accident, and Gojyo's choosing to blight Hakkai on purpose because he was mad at Chikusa, would be one and the same. That Gojyo being willing to deliberately blight Hakkai, when they've seen what blight can do to people, isn't even important, and that Ken has no business worrying about it.
First Ayumu, then Gojyo, and now Hakkai. Everyone Ken worries about, everyone Ken tries to help - not only do they not want his help, not only do they all seem like they'd rather die than be helped by him, but...they've gotten mad at him for trying. They think worse of him for trying. They just want him to mind his own business, even if it means not protecting the people he cares about.
Ken presses against Chikusa's leg a little, not willing to risk saying anything else.]
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...That... how is that the same? [Betrayal twists through their connection, ruining the otherwise quiet voice that could possibly fool anyone else not privy to his true emotions.] When I tested that poison on you... I told you what I wanted to do. I asked for your permission to do it. And... if I'd known you were already so blighted... I wouldn't have done it at all.
[Even if he hadn't been as close to Hakkai as he is now, although it had been a risk to trust him with something so important... Chikusa still wouldn't have wanted to see him turn into an ayakashi. He wouldn't have wanted to lose one of the few reliable people he knew, or go through that effort of killing him.]
[Finally, Chikusa nudges his head upwards, mouth uncharacteristically twisted slightly. That ache isn't going away anytime soon.]
The only other time I've ever subject you to blight... was when you first named me. Ken, too. [Of that, he's fairly certain.] We can keep you safe from what we do. We can keep you safe in a fight.
But Gojyo... What are we supposed to do? [The question him and Ken both have; Chikusa's fingers curl against Ken's own leg to become a proper grip.] I didn't search him out that time... and I won't search him out in the future either. I won't use poisons against him, especially anything seriously lethal. But...
[He pauses, wavering, and his brow trembles, on the verge of squeezing tightly together.]
Please... [The word has to be pulled out from his throat, heavy and unused.] Don't... tell us to do nothing... if he's right there in front of us doing something to purposefully hurt you. You even said him trying to punch you is how he got his arm broken...
So even if you don't care... [Another stutter of silence, the admission too vulnerable and open.]
[Even if Hakkai doesn't care if he gets hurt, they do.]
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I'm sorry. I know-- I know that you both try, and I know you wouldn't deliberately hurt me.
[His tone is quiet, apologetic; the icy chill has gone. He's afraid for Gojyo, but that doesn't mean he needs to lash out at Ken and Chikusa for it. Not even if Gojyo's blaming them. They've tried, and even if they don't care about Gojyo's welfare, they do care about his.]
And I shouldn't have said that, Chikusa. It's true, I agreed to let you try that poison on me, and it's not the same.
[The same, perhaps, in that he doesn't particularly care about being injured; but not the same in motive and not in purpose.]
But when it comes to Gojyo... I really do trust him not to kill me, and for anything less, watching you fight him would hurt me more than anything he could do to me. Please don't.
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He's trying not to feel guilty, but it's like trying to hold water in his hands without any of it draining. It slips through the cracks despite his best efforts. Which...isn't helped by the horrified idea he's now latched onto, that blighting Hakkai on accident is as bad as doing it on purpose, which just makes him feel guiltier about feeling guilty.
He doesn't know what to say, so he ends up not saying anything. He's already made his intention not to engage with Gojyo further clear, so he's pretty sure Hakkai is addressing Chikusa anyway.]
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....I'll avoid him... [He already was to begin with, so this isn't as much of a promise.] If I see him try to hurt you, I might still react automatically... like then... but...
[Trying to watch himself is the best he can do. He's still working on straightening out his own kneejerk reactions in combat from the ablution with Ayumu. When it comes to something like this... He knows there's no way he can make any sort of promise that will assuredly keep its place.]
[After a moment of silence, his head bowing down again, something off finally reaches him, and Chikusa stops thinking of himself for a moment. After all, there's been one party that's been far too quiet, and that realization has him turn his head towards his partner. Ken should be the one doing all the talking, but, for the last minute, it's been him in that role.]
....Ken...
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Ken?
[His tone is gentler.]
Ken, you haven't done anything wrong.
[Hakkai's feelings about Gojyo are a mess. It's not Ken's fault, though. His desire to protect Hakkai may be misplaced, here, and his fear of Gojyo unnecessary--
-- but it's not as if he means any malice by it, at least. Gojyo's likely perspective on the matter aside.]
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I wanna help. I wanna protect people. But...Kakipi died, and Ayumu thought we were torturing her, and things with you and Gojyo keep getting worse 'cause of us. [A hand seeks out Chikusa's sleeve, fisting fingers in the fabric.] I haven't been able to help anybody...and nobody even wants me to.
[The guilt is getting bad. Nowhere near ablution bad, it only just started and it would take a major event to throw it into high gear...but enough that the purplish bruise of it is going to start visibly blossoming on the back of his neck, unfurling slowly like a flower.]
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[...A problem, then, that they both love each other.]
I want you to, Ken...
[It's not much, but Chikusa has never been particularly good at this kind of comfort. This is all he can offer. It wasn't Ken's fault that what happened with Ayumu's ablution went as it did. Their positions were too far apart, they were all exhausted after hours of holding up borderlines...]
[Not unlike the first time he'd died, Chikusa had done it for someone else, too, with no time for anything else to happen.]
[Honestly, it's a pity that they don't have another serial killer around. That, surely, would help his partner see his worth again.]
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He doesn't want them to help with this. He can't argue that their attempts to help haven't made it worse, but with everything that's happened, it's a bad time not to want Ken's help with this. He breathes in, forcing down the pain of his aching neck, and meets Ken's gaze, expression even.]
Ken... what happened with Ayumu wasn't your fault. I misjudged the situation, and she couldn't bear it, even though we did try to help her.
With this, you and Chikusa can't help me. I know you want to.
[He breathes again: inhale. Exhale. It's not the pain of the blight that's making it so hard to speak calmly.]
But if anything's going to be better between me and Gojyo, it's something that we have to work on between ourselves. You and Chikusa can help by supporting me in other ways.
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if one doesn't take poisons into account. But the flip side of his being so emotional, so simple, is that his heart can be eased much more easily than someone like Gojyo's or Ayumu's. Hakkai and Chikusa may not have completely turned his mood around, but it's clearly improved already.]We wanna help, Hakkai-sama. [Ken finally looks at him properly.] So...what'd help?
[Ken's hand squeezes Chikusa's.]
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...We'll try whatever's needed.
[He glances over at Hakkai too, still partially hiding behind his own mess of hair. There's no promise in his words, because he can't promise everything. It's why he can't promise that he won't drug Gojyo again at some point.]
[...But he'll try. Him and Ken both.]
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Well. That would be an improvement. Chikusa and Ken promising to give Gojyo space is a good starting point. He might still have to worry about how Gojyo's treating them, and how to convince them that Gojyo isn't ruining Hakkai's life either, but.
It's a start.]
I want to know more about what's going on here. I've been letting personal things distract me for too long.
[He looks up at them, and smiles, wearily.] And I don't want to dwell on that anymore. I know you've both been keeping an eye on things. Why don't you tell me what you think about all of this? That forest god, and everything....
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[And this is where Ken's dangerous levels of loyalty come into play; the implication is that he'd want and seek to protect Hakkai no matter who came after him, or why. Including people with perfectly justifiable, sympathetic reasons for attacking Hakkai. Either Ken wouldn't even think to ask, or - more likely - no reason would be good enough in his eyes, and thus such information is immaterial and unnecessary to deciding his own course of action.]
Besides, nobody knows why this stuff is happening, right? Even people who're way smarter than me. So there's no way I'd figure it out. [He looks over at Chikusa again, somewhat expectantly.] Kakipi thinks better than me.