thenearshore | 32 - Blow Your Top

[ As much as Ayumu does? Is he fucking kidding? ]

If I called Ayumu for help because her shinki had me cornered, do you think she would’ve just left me there?

[ Yeah, Hakkai showed up – finally. But only after Gojyo had blighted the hell out of him. Only after Chikusa had killed him. ]

You can’t show me when you’re hurting, you don’t show me when you’re happy, you make me have to guess what’s goin’ on with you all the time, and then when I guess wrong you get mad! I’ve been out here losing my goddamn mind trying to make sense of things, and when I’ve tried to talk to you about it, you just tell me to stop it. You tell me I’m wrong, you tell me...

[ He throws up his hands in despair. ]

You treat me like I’m an idiot, Hakkai! Every idea I have, every time I sit and really think about what’s goin’ on with us shinki, with heaven, or with us, with you and me, and all I ever hear is no, Gojyo, that’s wrong, Gojyo, don’t be ridiculous Gojyo. Just do what I tell you to, Gojyo.

[ Boiling over with frustration, he slaps his index fingertip against his temple, hand held like a gun. ] Is it any fucking wonder that sometimes I...!

[ No. No. No, dammit, he’s not thinking this. Not here. He bites the thought off, clenching the ‘gun’ tight into a fist, and he turns his back to Hakkai, sucking in a shuddering breath to try bring himself back down. ]

Edited 2018-09-11 18:25 (UTC)

You think Ayumu might assume you could deal with a sixteen-year-old boy asking you awkward questions all on your own? I think she might!

[Especially if she'd been hurting--

Well. She doesn't have much of a record of caring about Hakkai's feelings, no matter how clearly he tries to explain them to her. Maybe she's been better with Gojyo.

He's shaking, hot and cold in waves, the sight of Gojyo's fingertip pressed against his forehead like a gun barrel (and saying it's Hakkai's fault, again, saying it's because of what he says, what he does) as stark and lingering as the false vision of his torn throat. Worse, because it's real.]

I don't treat you like an idiot, I keep trying to talk to you about whatever you bring up, and you shut down every time! If you're hearing, "that's ridiculous," that's because you aren't listening to me.

Can't you think about me without assuming the worst?

Can't you just ask me, and if you're wrong, can't I say so without you thinking it means I think you're stupid or worthless when you're just wrong? [He brings his fist down on his knee, hard enough to bruise, and his gaze snaps up desperately to seek Gojyo's, hoping he'll turn.]

Wrong isn't stupid. You're not stupid. But you keep expecting me to be your enemy, and when I say I'm not you either call me a liar or you lash out at me for saying you're wrong.

[ He almost interrupts at the sixteen year old boy comment, but instead he bites down hard on his tongue and waits for Hakkai to finish. Because Hakkai doesn’t want to hear what he has to say. He doesn’t want to talk. He just wants to be right. Chikusa stalks him, restrains him with a borderline, attacks him, demands to know the most intimate fucking details of what Gojyo’s heart is feeling… and Hakkai thinks Gojyo’s the problem. Chikusa hits him with a borderline in the middle of a meeting, dozens of witnesses to testify that Gojyo hadn’t so much looked in his direction beforehand, but when Gojyo tries to get him to drop it, that’s the attack. That’s the problem. It’s always him – he’s the one who’s wrong. Never Chikusa.

Never Hakkai.

He’s so mad he can barely see. ]

And of course you’re always right. [ He’s not turning around – he’s not sure what his face is giving away, if his eyes are burning from smoke or from anger or from tears, and whatever the cause he’s not going to let Hakkai see that. His voice is level and low, but so full of animosity that it hurts his throat to speak. ] Stupid Gojyo, trustin’ his own ears and eyes. I shoulda been comin’ to you from the beginning, askin’ you to make all my decisions for me, verify what I was thinkin’ and feeling. [ He coughs out a laugh. ] But that’s not you wantin’ to be the boss, no. That’s just comin’ from the goodness of your heart because I’m always so goddamn wrong.

[ How could I love somebody I thought I was better than. What a telling goddamn statement. ]

Of course I'm not always right! [Gojyo's voice has gone poisonous: and there it is again, "stupid Gojyo," there's "I'm always so goddamn wrong"--

Can't he hear anything without fitting it into that story he tells himself, about how Hakkai thinks he's so stupid, Hakkai thinks he's trash, Hakkai's just bossing him around by begging not to be treated like an enemy?

Hakkai's half out of the seat, frozen with one toe touching the ground, between moving towards him and retreating back to Jeep to nurse his wounds. Sulfur and ash and frustration choke his voice to a thread.]

But you're wrong about me. You keep being wrong about me, and you never ask me what I mean, and when I say I want you not to always think the worst of me all you hear is "oh, Hakkai says 'stop it' again."

[Jeep's engine rumbles uneasily.]

Edited 2018-09-11 20:32 (UTC)

[ Maybe, if they’re both lucky, the volcano will erupt and drown them both in lava before too long. ]

So lemme get this straight. The next time you tell me that Chikusa pickin’ a fight with me is my fault, you want me to say gee, actually, I bet he doesn’t mean it. Next time you laugh at me because stupid fucking Sha Gojyo thinks that Amaterasu’s folks might be lyin’ about how we got here, I should laugh too, because you don’t mean anything mean by it. Right? Next time...

[ Fuck. He squeezes his freshly healed hand into such a tight fist that he can feel the skin give way beneath his nails. ]

Next time you tell me that I don’t actually love you, that I’m just here to get my dick wet, you want me to pretend I didn’t hear you right.

[ He can’t turn around and he can’t walk away – how fucking pathetic is this? ]

You don’t want to have to change what you’re doing, or saying... you just don’t want me to be mad at you for it.

[Hakkai's standing, now, arms crossed tight against his chest as he shouts: he doesn't know when he stood up, but he feels as if he's been forced to his feet, the words dragged out of him like barbed wire, scraping his tight throat raw and bloody.]

Maybe I could believe you love me if you'd stop treating me like your enemy! Maybe if whenever I said "stop assuming the worst about me" you didn't do this, you didn't turn on me and say I'm calling you stupid, I'm laughing at you, I'm ruining your life, I make you want to die--

-- is that love?

What do you love when you can't stand anything about me and you won't trust me even a little?

Because if it's just my pretty face-- [His arms are uncrossed, hand on his ear, limiters coming free before he can think, and he hurls them to the ground with a clawed hand. His eyes are burning; the monocle falls free, too, dislodged by the shift of his skull around it and hitting the ash on the ground with a soft gray puff.]

If it's just this face, Gojyo, that's not love.

[ It’s not just his face, he wants to scream back. It’s not just his body – what he feels for Hakkai, he feels in his heart, not his pants! What he feels...

It’s a need, sure. He needs to be around Hakkai like he needs to breathe air. Looking at him raises his mood – even when they’re fighting, there’s no place he feels safer. He doesn’t feel whole, without Hakkai – when they’re apart it’s like he’s missing his arm again. Like his lungs don’t work. Food tastes better when Hakkai’s sitting across the table from him. The sun is warmer. Living makes sense.

But apparently Hakkai doesn’t think he’s capable of anything other than lust. Hakkai thinks he’s just here because he’s got a thing for youkai. After all this time,

Hakkai doesn’t think he can love.

He straightens up, slowly, head held high, breathing deep and slow to try and choke down the knot in his throat. A traitorous tear finally breaks free, streaking the ash on his cheek, but he doesn’t dare raise his hand to wipe it away. Doesn’t dare give Hakkai the satisfaction. It’s from the dust, that’s all. The dust and the burning winds. ]

Is this th’point where I’m supposed to ask you what you mean?

[Hakkai's righteous indignation runs out all at once like water, leaving him fragile, featherlight. He closes his mismatched eyes.]

I mean I don't know how you can love me when you can't stand me.

[Because that's how it always seems to go, isn't it? They can be around each other if they keep it light, if they don't talk about their feelings, or their friends, or their needs, and every time any of those things comes up--

Love doesn't come out of nowhere, Hakkai thinks. Whatever could be built on a foundation as rotten as this, he can't believe it's love.]

[ You don't listen, says Hakkai. You don't actually love me, says Hakkai. Let me tell you when you're wrong.

So maybe he's wrong. ]

Maybe I don't love you.

[ He thinks he knows what love is -- there has to be a name for this feeling, and it sure feels like what he hears in songs, and in movies. Kids walking down the street giggling to each other, he doesn't hear them listing the reasons why they feel the way they do -- they just seem to feel it. But maybe he's been wrong about that. Maybe he's missing something, something obvious, something that everyone else seems to get but that he just can't see. It wouldn't be the first time, would it?

Has he really been wrong about this, this whole time? God, it feels like somebody reached into his chest and pulled his heart out, replaced it with a block of ice.

If he turns around now, he's really going to lose it. Without another word he stumbles off, heading back toward the volcano. ]

[Fear shoots ice through Hakkai's veins as Gojyo stumbles away, not turning, ablaze with pain, and he's following before he has time to think.

(So much of this, he's done without thinking.

Hand closing on Gojyo's sleeve, he thinks: he should start.)]

Can't you at least like me?

[Does it have to be that choice: love without trust or understanding, or no love, no trust and no understanding? If Hakkai has to pick, it will be the latter, because at least he will stop expecting trust or understanding, at least it won't hurt so badly when he's surprised by their absence. But both options are awful, and he'd prefer friendship, even cautious and distant, over them.

Behind them, Jeep, frustrated past the last shreds of his patience, honks rudely, revs his engine, and swings around in a tight half-circle that sends the back left side of his chassis smacking into Hakkai's back with enough force to knock him off his feet. He twists like a cat, trying to avoid slamming into Gojyo, but he had been standing too close to dodge.]

[ He can hear Hakkai running after him, and a not tiny part of him wants to run, too. Run as fast as he can, away from Hakkai and this conversation and all his obligations, find someplace where nobody knows him, nobody relies on him, nobody needs him. Just a hole in the earth, maybe, someplace dark and quiet.

But he can’t. He freezes, instead, when Hakkai grabs him, can’t you at least like me?, and Gojyo twists away. Maybe he can’t. He’s been a bad friend to Ayumu, to Tsuzuki, to Goku… maybe he can’t love, and he can’t like, maybe everyone really would be happier if he was—

But his train of thought is derailed, in order, by Jeep’s honk, Hakkai’s body slamming into his, and his face slamming into the ground. ]

What the...? [ Did… did Hakkai just get hit with his own car? He coughs, and tastes iron – his nose is bleeding, possibly broken, but he can’t help but laugh.

Hakkai just got run over by his own damn car. ]

I don’t think he likes you either! [ Wait, no, shit, this really hurts. ] Ow.

[Trying to dodge Gojyo left no room for trying to soften his own fall, and it didn't even work; Hakkai comes up spitting blood of his own from a scrape where a rock caught his lower lip, and rounds on Jeep. The car is looming over them, rumbling with obvious discontent.]

I don't need your help with this!

[He's driven Gojyo to hate him, he's fought with his other shinki, he's fought with the Heavens, he might as well shout at his dragon, too. It's possible he's not thinking clearly. Jeep's engine noise rises to a threatening rumble, and he edges forward towards Hakkai, kicking up a fine dust of ash from the shoulder.]

Why don't you talk to him--

[...he's shouting at his dragon. Hakkai stops, and rubs his face, smearing ash and a streak of livid blood over his cheek to half-obscure the curled vine there. He looks over at Gojyo, whose nose is gushing blood, looks at his own clawed and filthy fingers, puts his head down on his knees, and starts laughing helplessly.

He's really so bad at all of this.]

[ Pinching his nose shut hurts like a motherfucker, even just pinching it gingerly at the very bottom. It's definitely broken. ]

Ow ow ow fuck, [ he groans, rolling up into a sit and tilting his head back to wait for the bleeding to stop. ] Next time, just do me a favor and run me all the way over, okay Jeep?

[ But at least it's giving him something else to focus on. He owes the little dragon a big treat for that, later. ]

I'm runnin' out of things to break here, fuck.

[Hakkai is still laughing into his knees, off-kilter, choking on the sound; Jeep rumbles uncertainly, and, with an air of decision and a pop! of inrushing air, turns into a dragon that streaks towards Gojyo and circles him, chirping in a long and incomprehensible litany of complaint.

A complicated series of bumps and thuds, and at least one definite sound of breaking glass, echo from the pile of medical supplies hitting the ground where a Jeep had just been. Hakkai manages to swallow his laughter just enough to toss a weary glance at the pile, inhale, and put his head back down on his knees.

Jeep's head swings back around, and he leaves off lecturing Gojyo to head over to Hakkai and nip at the edge of one of his long, pointed ears.

Hakkai swats a hand gently in his direction without lifting his head. His voice is muffled.]

I'm fine, Jeep.

[ Jeep apparently doesn't think his joke was very funny, based on how much squawking and flapping ensues. Gojyo can't get up yet, can't hardly talk for all the blood dripping down the back of his throat, so he just closes his eyes and breathes shallow and slow, waiting for the bleeding to stop.

So Jeep doesn't like him either. Well, that's no surprise. It'd be amazing if he did, honestly.

...Fuck his face hurts, though. It's really hard to dwell on how much everyone hates him when his face hurts this bad. At least they'd driven most of the way back down the mountain before pulling off -- he can't be more than a few miles from Ayumu's temple. She'll have ice, and painkillers... she'll probably insist on snapping his nose back into place, he thinks, bringing his other hand up to prod hesitantly at the damage. That won't be fun. ]

Tell him I'm goin'. [ His voice is thick with blood; he swallows, and again, trying not to give in to the urge to cough and spit it out. ] Just need a minute to stop drippin'.

There's gauze in those bags.

[You know: the ones Jeep just dumped in the middle of the road in a pile. Hakkai's response is automatic, but his shoulders hunch in just a little further for a few seconds.

Jeep bites him on the ear again, hard enough to draw blood this time. He straightens his shoulders, lifts his head, and hauls himself to his feet with a shaky breath.

Jeep promptly takes wing, circling his head and scolding this time. Hakkai gives him a narrow-eyed look.]

I don't think that's what he's saying.

[The scolding grows more vigorous.]

But he could be more clear.

[ There's gauze in the bags sure sounds like do what you need to and leave now. And maybe that's not what Hakkai means -- maybe this is another opportunity for him to be wrong and let Hakkai correct him -- but given the choice between a condescending lecture and a long, painful walk home? He'll take the walk.

Hakkai's talking to the dragon but Gojyo's not really listening. Hekneels, then stands, wobbling, hands out until he's sure of his balance. Shit, there's blood everywhere -- it's all over his face, all over his hand, his shirt is ruined (it was already ruined with one sleeve burned off, but now it's doubly ruined). Today really isn't his best day. ]

Sorry for bein' unclear. [ Or maybe he was listening after all. His nose is dripping steadily now, but at least it's not gushing. It'll dry up on its own soon enough, probably. It's fine. He waves, kinda, in Hakkai's direction, and heads back out onto the road. ] Sorry.

[He's not really listening, if he thinks Hakkai was talking to him, instead of sniping at his dragon: Hakkai turns, confusion clashing with the pain on his face as he looks at Gojyo, stumbling away onto the road without even stopping his nose from bleeding.

Sorry, he says, sorry, and Hakkai doesn't know if he's apologizing for the fight, or because he misunderstood, or because whatever there is between them he can't bring himself to like Hakkai after all.

Numbly, he shakes his head.]

No -- I didn't mean you, Gojyo.

[Reaction is setting in after his brief loss of control. His hands are icy and shaking as he bends to tug one of the paper-wrapped packets of gauze from the tumbled supplies, holds it out.]

[ He turns, when Hakkai calls his name, follows his movements dumbly as Hakkai reaches down and pulls out a gauze pad. Is it for Hakkai's bloody mouth?

Oh. No. It's for him.

...Fine. He's not so caught up in his I'm-the-worst routine that he can't see the benefit of patching his face up before taking a several mile hike down a volcano. Almost. But not quite. ]

Thanks, [ he mumbles, shuffling over (his balance isn't the greatest at the moment) and taking the offered gauze. Carefully, he presses it to his nose, watching Hakkai over the edge of the pad with tired, bloodshot eyes.

He should say something, shouldn't he? ]

I don't hate you. [ Shit, no, sorry, he has to sit back down. He's really light-headed. ] Maybe I don't know how to love, but I know I don't hate you.

[Gojyo crumples down to a seated position, gauze still pressed to his face and reddening. The blood isn't gushing as much, but Hakkai can see redness that's going to be bruising soon spreading around the nose. It's probably broken.

He drops down next to Gojyo, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. His claws dig absently into his sleeve, tugging holes in the fabric.]

I...

[For a moment, he can't trust his voice, and so he nods, instead, lines flinching into view around his eyes as he looks out at the ash-covered road.]

I don't think you don't know how to love.

[Behind them, Jeep settles on the pile of packages, wings half spread to protect his head from the thin ashfall, and begins grooming his face.]

Not any more than anybody. Maybe I'm the one who-- can't. [He closes his eyes, and corrects with precision:] Shouldn't. I can't even stop hurting you.

[Gojyo's broken nose isn't his fault, and there's blood in his own mouth, but it's how these fights end every time, isn't it? Gojyo clutching his wrist, Gojyo peppered with poisoned darts, Gojyo burned, Gojyo bleeding: he's seen Gojyo hurt a thousand times, of course, just as he's been hurt a thousand times in front of Gojyo. He's not so fragile that he'll fall apart at the scent of blood.

But it's different when it's not the two of them fighting another. It's different when it's their hands raised against each other, when he has to face the cold fact that he's the one causing the most pain to someone he'd die to protect.

How can he ask Gojyo to like him, when it hasn't even been half an hour since Hakkai almost burned his arm off?]

[ Hey, this particular hurt he doesn't get to claim credit for. With his free hand, Gojyo points at his own nose, and then jabs his finger in Jeep's direction. This particular hurt? Is all the damn dragon's fault.

But this isn't the time for joking. For one, he can't laugh, and how unfair is that? ]

Shouldn't? [ His voice is congested, clogged, and completely pathetic. He can't believe that their fight has come to this particular topic, but here they are. ] Can't blame you there. I wouldn't love me either.

[ But Hakkai at least knows how to love somebody. He had Kanan, for however long they were together... and hell, even longer. It's been clear both times he's talked about her just how much he still loves her. It's almost enough to make a man jealous. ]

S'okay. I understand.

[Hakkai glances up, following Gojyo's accusatory pointing finger, and his lips twitch in a brief smile. All right, yes, the nose is Jeep's fault, but the arm had been his own, and the throat wound he's not seeing anymore--

He still doesn't quite know how he feels about that. It's not real, of course, but could it be his own memories that he can't trust and not what he'd seen in Gojyo's?

Goku agrees with him, but Goku remembers things he doesn't, too. His smile falls away almost as soon as it forms, and he shakes his head, looking away.]

Not that I shouldn't love you. [He doesn't stumble over the words: his voice is low, confessional.] But I used to think you were the one person in the world I knew I'd never hurt--

[--never kill, but he can't say that, not with ghosts fresh in his mind. One is the specter of that cut throat and the other is the worse specter of Gojyo twisted into a monster by Hakkai saying just a little too much.]

And if that's not true. [He inhales, and spreads his hands out, looking at them, the curl of vines and the ten vicious points of his claws. There's a little blood on a few of them, where his fiddling with the fabric of his sleeve had accidentally scratched his skin: he's out of practice dealing with them in everyday life.]

I shouldn't let myself ... do that. Love, any more.

[ To Gojyo, that just sounds like more evidence that he's been right all along -- that they're just playing the roles of Hakkai and Gojyo, just copies, imperfect and beyond repair.

That would mean that that wasn't Kanan that Hakkai saw, all those months back. Gojyo thinks that would be a relief, but he's pretty sure Hakkai doesn't see it that way.

So they're Hakkai and Gojyo then. How can this make sense for the Hakkai and Gojyo that Hakkai remembers? ]

Maybe you don't love me. [ He doesn't really have the energy -- or the breath -- to bother making the statement nicer... but it's not an attack. If he can accept the possibility that he doesn't love Hakkai, then accepting that Hakkai doesn't love him doesn't take any effort at all. ] 'Cause if what I'm feeling isn't love then maybe what you're feeling isn't either.

[ The gauze is getting squishy under his fingers. With a frown (that he regrets immediately) Gojyo folds the pad over, wadding it up under his nose. ]

You're not the same person you were a year ago, right? Maybe you're just telling yourself you love me because it's a habit.

[Hakkai doesn't flinch; it's a long way from a shock to hear that Gojyo doesn't think Hakkai loves him back, or wonders if Hakkai's feelings count as love. It's still a brutal, awful thought: that he can do this because he just doesn't love Gojyo enough for it to stop his hands before he draws blood. The silence stretches between them, while he looks away into the ashfall.

Eventually, he refolds his hands, more careful this time not to scratch himself, and puts his chin on his knees. He feels a little like a child, balled up somewhere dark and hoping not to be found.]

You're still the most important thing in the world to me.

[He turns his head, cheek brushing his knuckles, to look at Gojyo; his eyes are soft, full of affection, despite the misery still etched in tight lines around his mouth.] ... and if I've ever been in love, I love you.

I can't tell you what you're feeling, anyway.

[He shifts, one hand going to his chest to press at it, trying to ease the ache, and he adds:] Gods don't feel the positive emotions, as much.

[ Hakkai's eyes are too bright. Gojyo has to look away. ]

I should feel those more often then, [ It's not at all funny, and the sound he makes it definitely not a laugh. ] Keep my privacy.

[ No, it's not funny at all, is it? He thought he had a high tolerance for pain, but Hakkai's just blown him out of the water. It's absolutely unimaginable, the things this man had tolerated from him. The things he's endured. The unending shit that Gojyo's laid on his doorstep, and he's still here. He's still trying.

How the fuck is he still trying!? ]

You're really making me look bad here.

Edited 2018-09-14 04:37 (UTC)

cw: suicidal talk

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