[Closed] I am done with my graceless heart, tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

[unlucky7]

Who: Ginia and her gods
When: June 10th
Where: Tsubasa's temple, Chris's temple, Ebisu's temple
What: Ginia talks to her gods about her memories.
Warnings: Mentions/reference to abuse, PTSD, murder, child death; specifics in subject line.

(Prompts in the comments)

Comments

[beyondtheblade]

To say that Tsubasa was still getting her bearings was generous. She was still getting her head together from being out of commission for how long she was, but she was of course perfectly happy to meet with Ginia.

She tilts her head a bit. "It is no problem, but - you know that short notice shouldn't matter. I can speak anytime."

She smiles lightly. "Food is appreciated, though." It's not needed, but she's certainly not going to turn it down. Still, the smile fades a bit. "Is everything alright?"

[unlucky7]

"I know. You're my god." But it's not just that. "And my friend."

Which in some ways makes talking a little harder. There's a lot she stands to lose and Ginia knows Tsubasa isn't the kind of person to leave if things are hard, but it's a constant worry. Her hands wring together as she tries to figure out what to say. The bracelet is nice in how it makes all her signing understood, but now she doesn't have the buffer of picking her words through her phone.

But it's probably better to be honest here.

"I don't know. I feel..." Her hands wiggle in a vague, meaningless gesture. "I got a memory back. A long one. Back on the third."

[beyondtheblade]

Tsubasa can at least see the obvious discomfort present, so she's not about to press. After all, she has more than a few things under her hat as well. As Ginia says, Tsubasa considers her a friend. Still, the way she looks...

...ah, there it is. She crosses her arms and nods quietly, for a moment, before continuing.

"...I get the sense it is not exactly... what you would have been hoping for, then?"

[unlucky7]

"I don't know if I wanted more memories."

Shinki forget their lives so they can have a second chance and not envy the living. What their generation remembers and go through is unthinkable. Maybe it's the sign they can't coexist for long.

"But I know more. It's...confirmed what I've suspected about myself."

Ginia pauses, throws her jacket over her shoulder as it slides from her elbow.

"I don't know where to start."

[beyondtheblade]

Tsubasa stares at her for a moment more, before nodding. "Believe me, when it comes to explaining certain matters, I can understand that feeling. If it helps, it doesn't really matter where you start - sometimes, it is just good to get it out. I have had to learn that the hard way... ah, multiple times, even."

[unlucky7]

Good to get it out. Into the deep end then. It's not as if Ginia hasn't had conversations where she gets into the meat of things. She still hesitates, staring back at the fish. Around and around they swim, paying no attention to the rest of the world, content in the pond.

No different than her in some regards.

Ginia exhales and turns back to face Tsubasa.

"I used to be an operative. An assassin. My team was tasked with assassinating a FBI agent."

[beyondtheblade]

"...ah." She straightens up, giving her a serious, but understanding look. "I am... not a stranger to such things."

In fact, her family has ninjas under them. Her guardian, and manager, is one of them. Assassins by trade, it may not be something that her allies dwell upon much, but... it's an undeniable fact that goes beyond and a fair bit more darker than her own actions as a government agent.

"More than you may realize, but... Having such a memory return all of a sudden would be alarming, I expect."

To say the least.

[unlucky7]

"I've suspected for awhile. What kind of person knows all the way to kill a person but can barely cook?"

Who could barely shop at a store on her own? Who had no idea how to fill her time outside of training. She's suspected for a long time. Obvious from the outside, but who could really say anything without sending her crashing into an ayakashi's embrace?

"We had to make the job look natural. She had a wife and an infant child. The baby never left her side."

[beyondtheblade]

That first question is almost a little too close to home for Tsubasa. She can relate to it a lot more directly, actually. "That part, I ... understand. A lot. But you have probably gotten that sense from me anyway, regardless."

After all, look at the mess she makes.

Still, not the time for much light hearted. She could tell this wasn't exactly going a pleasant place.

In spite of that she remains neutral looking, nodding to her. "Go on."

CW: references to murder, child harm

[unlucky7]

There's a brief smile and a light tilt of her head, acknowledging Tsubasa's own domestic difficulties and a previous serious nature. In a vague way, Ginia thinks of Beth, so serious and stoic and focused on their task, grisly as it was.

"My memory isn't complete as I'd like. It's like coming into a movie halfway through. There were three of us. I was the long-range specialist. Beth was close-range. Erika on demolitions. We couldn't agree on how to handle the job."

Ginia briefly closes her eyes, trying to remember the specifics. The three of them in a bare apartment, equipment and plans spread out. Beth leaning against the wall, arms crossed, tired indifference as she watches. Erika, furious, jabbing at the photos and plans on the table, words hissed out.

{'We're running out of time! We do our job, we get the fuck out, how is this different from any other job?'

'I don't know, but I don't like it. It feels wrong,' Ginia insists, signs sharp, teeth clenched so hard her jaw aches.

Mentally, she taps into the private communication channel the three of them share. "We haven't seen any proof she's corrupt. None of the information we were given lines up."

'I don't like it, it feels wrong,' Erika mocks, signing Ginia's words back as her expression hardens. 'Yeah, well, doing things we don't like is our life story, isn't it.'

Mentally, Erika says: "We've only had eyes on her for a few days. You think you know better then people that had eyes on her for months?"

Ginia leans on the table, hands clenched around the edge, staring at the photos without seeing any of them. "You think they were ever honest with us?"

"They've never been honest," Beth's voice cuts into their minds. "But that means this is no different than any other job."}

Ginia rubs her hand over her face. Would she have taken the shot without question if a child wasn't involved? Let Erika or Beth do their jobs without question? Did the baby make that much of a difference? Yes, but no. Ginia's breath escapes in a slow hiss as another memory jumps to the forefront. Same room, but darker; the sun's gone down. Photos and papers scatter on the ground, Ginia's knuckles ache, her heart hammers in her chest. Erika has her hands twist into her shirt, practically dragging her down.

{'You think you've never hurt a kid before? All the cars you've taken out, people you've shot while they were minding their own business, you think there wasn't some kid in the backseat, some poor kid finding their poor mommy or daddy with their head blown out?' Erika's hands unclench from Ginia's shirt as she shoves back, rubbing at the blood trickling from her swollen lip with the back of her hand. She looks away, mumbling, 'We're monsters, Ginia. Don't pretend you're innocent because you looked a baby in the eyes and couldn't pull the fucking trigger.'}

"Sorry, it's... it's all me, it's real, but it doesn't feel like it. I wish I could say I balked because a child was involved, but I don't think that's true." Even if she can't remember, the deaths on her hands are still on her. If she's hurt, killed children directly or indirectly, that's on her.

"But I couldn't carry through with this one. It didn't feel right, I didn't want to do it."