松岡 凛 || Rin Matsuoka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sharkmaid) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thenearshore2016-09-17 07:17 pm
sharkmaid) wrote in thenearshore2016-09-17 07:17 pm
Entry tags:
[Closed] we were both young when I first saw you
Who: Rin Matsuoka (sharkmaid) and Sousuke Yamazaki (takenwithhim)
What: God and shinki finally meet face to face.
When: Afternoon of April 26th
Where: Rin's temple
Warnings: None... except a lot of feels.and Taylor Swift lyrics because I was told to do it
He didn't sleep much last night. Not really. Not when his head was swimming with thoughts, when his hands were clammy and legs wouldn't sit still. Not when everything around him was so far from what he knew and from what he called home. Ordinarily, sure, Rin was all about change. He lived it, breathed it, faced it head-on without fear. But back then, he knew what he was getting himself into. He could plan for it, work hard for it... Not be dropped into it and expected to understand from the start. Needless to say, the day was rough, the night even rougher, and when he finally managed a wink of sleep, all he could hope for was that he would wake up from some crazy dream.
A dream where he was god. With powers and responsibilities that stretched so far beyond his imagination... A dream where his most cherished friends never even knew he existed.
Sometime in the afternoon just as the sun settled high above his head, Rin left his room and found himself right before the castle gates. They stayed open all night and he saw no need to shut them now, and as he stood facing the wide pathway before him, he paid no mind to who or what would happen to pass in the road behind. This... was supposedly all his. All this space and grandeur, a true place for royalty, for a god. But... he couldn't be that. He wasn't that. He was just Rin.
The branches of the large cherry blossom trees shivered and shook in response to Rin's inner turmoil, but still, the petals held on, falling but never disappearing or leaving a single patch bare. He wanted to have hope that this would pass, that holding onto what remained between himself, Makoto, and Nagisa would keep all of them safe as they always were.
But maybe that too was a dream.
sharkmaid) and Sousuke Yamazaki (takenwithhim)What: God and shinki finally meet face to face.
When: Afternoon of April 26th
Where: Rin's temple
Warnings: None... except a lot of feels.
He didn't sleep much last night. Not really. Not when his head was swimming with thoughts, when his hands were clammy and legs wouldn't sit still. Not when everything around him was so far from what he knew and from what he called home. Ordinarily, sure, Rin was all about change. He lived it, breathed it, faced it head-on without fear. But back then, he knew what he was getting himself into. He could plan for it, work hard for it... Not be dropped into it and expected to understand from the start. Needless to say, the day was rough, the night even rougher, and when he finally managed a wink of sleep, all he could hope for was that he would wake up from some crazy dream.
A dream where he was god. With powers and responsibilities that stretched so far beyond his imagination... A dream where his most cherished friends never even knew he existed.
Sometime in the afternoon just as the sun settled high above his head, Rin left his room and found himself right before the castle gates. They stayed open all night and he saw no need to shut them now, and as he stood facing the wide pathway before him, he paid no mind to who or what would happen to pass in the road behind. This... was supposedly all his. All this space and grandeur, a true place for royalty, for a god. But... he couldn't be that. He wasn't that. He was just Rin.
The branches of the large cherry blossom trees shivered and shook in response to Rin's inner turmoil, but still, the petals held on, falling but never disappearing or leaving a single patch bare. He wanted to have hope that this would pass, that holding onto what remained between himself, Makoto, and Nagisa would keep all of them safe as they always were.
But maybe that too was a dream.
no subject
He didn’t miss that look though. Arched brow, a little taken aback but curious. Hn, something told him they might see more of those between them. I’m not that tired. A black brow arched of his own and he looked at Rin, lips in a frow frown because he totally wasn’t buying that. Did Rin forget he’d just watched him stumble and struggle to stay upright, that he’d just listened to him say he needed to go lie down? I told you, you don’t need to push yourself for me. But as much as he wanted to protest, growl at him, maybe even push him off towards a bedroom (not that he had any idea what direction that could be), he held his tongue. Rin was a god, all powerful, right? He should know his own limits, right? He wouldn’t try to do something beyond them… right?
Sousuke closed his eyes as he looked away from Rin, resigning himself for the time being as the mental Do whatever you want came clear through his heavy, quiet sigh. Whatever. He was too distracted by the castle itself to keep fighting him on it. The doors swung open as they approached and nary a groan or creak, but instead a smooth motion that welcomed in the breath of cherry blossoms and exhaled a soft scent of its own. Stone, water, clean… They came to him as he breathed, wandered around his body as he stepped through the threshold of the castle. Where he’d be living from now on… where they’d be living.
Barefoot steps brushed over the luxurious spread of red carpet, trimmed in gold, and he didn’t stop himself from shuffling his steps a little. Feeling the rich material brush the soles of his feet and slip between his toes. It was a welcome relief from wandering around the unforgiving pavement outside and his shoulders drooped a little in obvious respite. The rest of the estate was quite to swallow him up. From the sakura-groved lawn to the imposing stone walls with their clean, strong windows rising upward, the entire outside had already seized his attention. But now the interior… it was impressive. More than. White marble shone beneath the sunlight and he followed some of the darker wisps running through the stone. Romantic. That’s the word that came to his mind as he took in the grand foyer. Strong and romantic.
Keep up. Sousuke broke his staring and looked over his shoulder towards the god again. Ordering him around already, huh? He furrowed his brows and set his lips in a firm, unconscious pout of annoyance at getting talked to like that. But… the doors closed behind him and the other boy was heading for one of the stair cases already. “Ugh,” Sousuke grumbled. Rin was determined to give him a tour, apparently. So he pushed off the carpet, glancing upward to the chandelier and the fountain filling the front area of the castle with its splashing and merriment. “If you fall over somewhere, I’m not picking you up.” And stepped onto the stair case to follow him.
Still. “… this suits you.” And gave a quiet tilt of his head to indicate the area, the castle, all of it. Maybe not the size, not the scope, but the colors, the atmosphere. A strong, romantic... maniac.
no subject
This is nothing compared to what you've done for me.
Once they reached the top of the stairs, Rin walked through the tall archway where the maroon carpet divided left and right into a wide hall. There were several doors on each end as well as matching regal decor in the same white and gold scheme. Large paintings hung from the walls, each one different from the last but somehow never clashing in style. Flowers, skylines, angels and seascapes one after the other. Relatable to his god probably, but certainly not to himself. Right?
Scoffing, Rin took the right wing. "I won't fall over," he said, perhaps a touch cocky. That's something you would say, isn't it? "And if you end up stuck in a doorway, I won't help you get out." Not like he could, but, hey. Sousuke wasn't exactly a little guy. Who knew? Maybe there was a particularly narrow crawl space around here somewhere he could wander into and accidentally trap himself in. He chuckled softly at the image before raising a brow in question. Suits him?
"What makes you say that?" Another laugh and this time a wider smile to go with it. It felt comfortable talking just like this, he felt. ... Maybe they didn't need memories to be just as they were before. "You've only known me for less than an hour, you know."
no subject
Are you sure you’re all right?
It was still there. Sousuke sighed inwardly at himself. He tried to shove the thoughts away and focus more on the castle. The tour. The top of the stairs that branched into elevated archways and maroon carpets. Actually… did Rin even know where he was going? “We might get lost. You haven’t explored this place either,” he reminded as he switched his gaze from the window back to Rin. So many doors… What did they lead to? Paintings passed by and he found himself quietly getting lost himself. Flowers and skylines were nice, angels being an interesting choice… but the seascapes were the ones that captivated him. Crashing waves, white beaches, flying seagulls, the foam of the ocean playing over the sandy shores…
…and a sunset sky.
He paused in the hallways, eyes lifted to the painted that reached above them. The sun turning the waves a deep blue, the sky golden and orange with the clouds teetering between brown and yellow. A horizon that was at once an infinite blaze of light and a finite cut between the ocean and the sky. Sousuke found himself gazing at it for a long time. As if somehow he might be able to see something on the other side of the horizon…
… fall over. The shinki blinked, stumbling back into the conversation with a quick shake of his head. Rin’s cocky voice called him and he glanced once more at the picture before turning away, head lingering on his neck until finally physical law forced him to look away. The spell broke almost instantly and he scowled at Rin as he walked over to join him again. “And if you get lost in your own castle, I’m not going to come find you,” he tossed back, missing his pockets again and glaring down at his hands for a moment. Ugh, he needed pants. … different pants.
But the question… earned a quiet, thoughtful look off towards the walls. The windows. The castle. Why did he say such a thing? It suits you. “I know,” he murmured, voice tinged off in thought. He didn’t know Rin much, at all even. Only a first impression that wasn’t very flattering on the one side. And yet… he’d seen more than a crybaby and a romantic. He’d seen a strong, brave person to. He’d seen his heart break and seen him put it back together. Now he saw him move forward, keeping those feelings Sousuke knew were still there inside. Moving forward because of him… “I’m not sure,” he said, voice less soft and more nonchalant.
“It’s romantic, maybe egotistical. Proud,” he added with a little scoff. But then it softened a little. “But it’s open.” With its windows and light, its richness and the sakura outside in view every time he looked through the glass. The sound of the fountain splashing, the breath of the wind.
“It feels free.”
no subject
I'm fine... For you, I'll be fine.
"We won't. I have a great sense of direction." He tried to be lighthearted about it--teasing Sousuke wouldn't have made sense anyway--and anyway, he wasn't lying. Getting around school campus and big cities was never a feat for Rin. Exploring and finding new things was just a big part of who he was. Within a week, maybe he'd have this whole place memorized. Maybe by then it would feel a little bit more like a place to live. ... He wanted to be hopeful, more than anything.
Halfway through that thought though, Rin noticed the stalled steps beside him and turned to look and see the other boy focused on one of the paintings they passed, set in an elaborate white frame. He paused himself in wait, but where he expected Sousuke to break away and follow, he stayed instead, still focused and studying, eyes curious, unblinking...
Actually, I’m quite worried about Sousuke. I mean, you changed school in elementary, and then left for Australia next. ... Sousuke was really lonely afterwards.
... Is that what he looked like, he wondered? Lost just like this but searching. Even if what Kisumi told him was fake and overdramatic-- Did he ever look at the sea just as Rin did on the other side? Of course he knew it would have been easy just to peek at a memory and know. He could have gone as far back as he wanted and replayed any memory in the blink of an eye. But, as tempting as it was, Rin decided against it and in the end turned his attention towards the side and nothing in particular. It didn't feel right, knowing everything about Sousuke inside and out, because even if they used to know each other better than anyone else, there were always certain things they never told and respected. If Sousuke never mentioned it, then there was a reason for that, wasn't there?
... find you. Rin lifted his head then and once Sousuke rejoined him his lips pulled into a small but quick smile. "Like you'd be able to find me anyway." Normal. Comfortable. Just stay in this moment, Rin. Focus.
He turned the corner up ahead, revealing another hallway with a smaller flight of stairs at the very end. He hadn't made it this far just yet, but if there was any time to do that, it might as well be now. So on he walked, passing each window and stepping into each ray of sunlight... head lifted but eyes focused towards the ground. Why did he ask him? Why did he ask him if he knew it would hurt him so much? But it couldn't have been a coincidence, could it? For Sousuke to say those little things-- Rin shook his head once and mentally berated himself. Was he really this hopeless, this desperate? Of course Sousuke didn't know him. He had nothing to go on, no memories, no nothing. Just assumptions. Guesses.
Now it was his turn to pause, his head turned towards a large window, his body drenched in brilliant yellow sunlight... eyes quivering, damp, but refusing to concede. How could you know? There's no way for you to know. ... You don't know who I am.
He doesn't know who I am!
Rin swallowed down the lump in his throat, let it sink into his chest and stomach and leave him feeling heavy, before finally turning back and laughing weakly as he forced himself to walk just a little faster. As if it was a funny joke. As if Sousuke gave it his best shot but might have slipped up here and there. Romantic. Proud. Free... There's no way he could have known. He had to believe that.
"You're perceptive," he said with another laugh to try and cover himself up, his voice echoing slightly once they reached the end of the hall and started to climb the little staircase. ... But he didn't look at him this time. He couldn't. They just had to find a room, their rooms, and this could be over. A goal, something to focus on. I'm fine, I said I would be fine. "All that from me just... being like this?" An awkward gesture to himself and another laugh, a little more forced, a little less natural... less fine. But they were up the stairs again and moving, and he could sense this was the right way. It had to be.
"Maybe later on you'll figure out if you're right." B-but enough about that. They could cover that later... and over time if he was lucky enough. So after clearing his throat, Rin walked straight into the next hall, turning his head left and right a little more frantically to make sure he wouldn't miss a single door. No... Not that one. Couldn't be that one either. Dammit, did there have to be so many rooms in this place? All he needed was one! Er. Two in this case, he supposed. "Hn. Even just a house would have been fine... Oy, Sousuke, don't lag behind, ok? If you want new pants, you'll have to stay right beside me!" Good. Right. Casual. Off topic and casual.
no subject
So why does your smile not reach your eyes?
A small scoff slipped out. “I’m relieved.” Leave it to Rin to wonder if he was being sincere or sarcastic. But he trusted him to at least make a path for them to follow. He went where Rin went, from one hall to the next, through another archway, past rows of windows. Wandering. They were wandering. In a way, Rin was right. It was impossible to get lost if you didn’t have any idea where you were doing in the first place. Which… Sousuke guessed was okay for a tour where neither of them had the time to get familiar with the structure.
It was most definitely not some kind of bonding experience.Even after he found himself returning from getting lost in that sunset sky, his eyes took another onceover, as if there was something he might be able to see in Rin that the other boy simply didn’t want to admit. He shoved the thought aside again and focused on the smile and those words—Ugh, should’ve stayed lost in the painting if this is what he came back to. “I could find you without a problem,” Sousuke shot back with a frown, head lifting some to make that comment sink in. Yeah, take that.
The carpet skimmed under his toes again as he followed the other boy round the corner. Another hallway. Another flight of stairs. More wandering. His legs were tired and his feet, despite the luxurious carpet, still ached from the walking and running earlier. Once or twice he found himself lingering just to scuff over the rugs, wondering if he could just sit down for a bit… But then something else would catch his attention and he’d be up once more, moving forward to look at a mirror or out another window. The rays of sunlight began to mingle between silent clock ticking, second chiming each time a ray washed over Rin’s back, and a soporific metronome. Maybe Rin wasn’t the only one who could use a rest… Sousuke pushed himself forward, not at all willing to consider something like that. Especially not after making such a deal about Rin’s state.
He paused mid-step when Rin stopped. Once again, he was looking at him, taking in not only his body, but the way the sunlight… did things. Drenching him in a halo of glowing gold, took the light in his eyes and flashed like rubies shaking under a thin surface of water. Sousuke wasn’t sure if Rin was surprised or if something else happened. Something that brought back memories of that moment an hour ago out there in front of the mansion. A broken heart amid the sakura trees.
Rin couldn’t hide that even if he was two meters away from him. The lump in his throat slid down visibly as the cords in his neck flexed and pulled taut from the weight of it. It wasn’t a normal swallow; that was easy to see. Before he could comment though, Rin was turning away from him and a weak laugh floated out behind him. But it was only due to Sousuke’s tired legs that he really noticed the way their pace picked up. Rin was walking faster… He’d offered him his answer based on what he thought; that was all. So why was it having this kind of affect?
Sousuke frowned at the compliment. Yeah, he was. And he was noticing something else too. That cover up. He took the first step silently, following after Rin as they ascended the staircase. There was no glancing backwards from the god before him. Wouldn’t be with the way his shoulders and neck were so tense like that. As if he was determined not to look over his shoulder and see him. His eyes lidded, their teal gaze sharpening in the gentle shadows of the twisting steps. Yes. All this. This caslte is romantic. Your proud and strong. As for ‘free’… well, Sousuke’d admit he didn’t really know why he said that word. He was a shinki bound to Rin; that wasn’t exactly free… though if it was true that shinki couldn’t survive without a god binding them, maybe it was. Ugh, stop thinking about that!
That laugh, verging on strange and forced, earned a slight twitch at the corner of Sousuke’s upper lip. Okay this was getting ridiculous. He stepped off the stairs onto the landing and moved forward, picking up some speed along the way. Turning another corner—Rin was swerving! Going from left to right like he was searching for something a lot more desperately than before. Don’t talk to me in that kind of voice, damn you. The notion about lagging behind, about pants, all of it went out the window and the shinki shoved forward.
In one motion, he caught onto Rin’s wrist, planted his foot to the ground to haul him to a stop, and then abruptly drew him backwards and to the side in a firm, but controlled spin. ‘Thud!’ Wood rattled as the young god’s back hit the door and Sousuke slammed his forearm and fist against the sturdy door above Rin’s head. Shadow swallowed the small space between them, from the door’s arching frame alcove and Sousuke’s tall body leaning over Rin and blocking the sunlight. Teal eyes narrowed onto the red, threatening, angry, intense. Sousuke didn’t know it, but Rin was definitely going to feel the icy irritation welling inside the shinki’s body.
“Stop it.” His voice dropped to a steely quality, quiet and hard. “I don’t know what’s driving you, but don’t ever try to sacrifice yourself for me.” Fingers tightened, the side of his hand shifting against the door above Rin’s head. “You’re pushing yourself right now.” He heard it in his voice, saw it in the way he refused to look at him, felt it in the way that stupid laugh was so forced and unnatural. “Because of me.”
Sousuke breath came out silent and dark. “Now tell me. If my being here is a problem; spit it out now and we can be done with it.”
I won't allow you to hurt yourself because of me.
no subject
In the end, Rin said nothing to those comments and barely acknowledged them with little more than a glance. He was just... tired. They were both tired. And the sooner he found someplace for them to rest, the sooner he could put all this behind him and focus more on how to proceed. Not right now. They couldn't waste time being slow and talking right now. Every second they spent lingering opened up more and more opportunities for questions and emotions he didn't want to deal with all at once. This did feel normal at first. He thought-- He thought it would feel just like the two of them again. Ok, in a way it did, but that's what bothered him. It was getting too familiar, too close... and from a god and shinki standpoint, that wasn't supposed to happen. Right?
We aren't like that anymore. And maybe we shouldn't be, because otherwise something might happen to jeopardize your safety. Was this a bad idea? Was I too quick to find you and drag you into this mess? Dammit, pick up the pace--!
But with a sudden spike of pain in his chest--cold and numb, like being tossed into a frozen pool--Rin's footsteps abruptly stopped and with a quick twist and turn he found himself stumbling back straight into a door. Caught off guard by the icy sensation, he didn't register the hand on his wrist at first, but a beat later and with darkness quickly blocking out the sun, Rin's pupils dilated--he's holding me--and flickered upward to meet Sousuke's glaring right back. ... Ah. So that's where it came from. Unwavering, bright, intense.
You're angry.
And of course, just as with everything else, even those words seemed to mock him and leave his heart begging for relief. After all, they were here before, exactly like this, with green light glowing ominously from the trees and darkness crowding them from every angle. He remembered that same sound--thud--his own fingers grabbing and shoving with his anger... Sousuke yelling at him, holding him, tightening his fingers and pulling him in just as close, exactly like this. But that was another memory, one he didn't ask to revisit or replay moment to moment, and as soon as Sousuke's voice lowered, Rin broke eye contact completely to try and find somewhere else to focus. ... But all he could see was him. Forward, left, right. He could feel the frustration in his calloused fingers, sense his irritation piercing him straight through his frantically beating heart, and the memories-- The godforsaken memories wouldn't stop coming.
The relay isn't for me. The smell of chlorine. A younger Rin standing in front of him with his swim cap in his hand. I don't like losing because someone else messed up, or having to share the win with everyone else. A flash of red, Rin reaching, pulling, screaming.
Without thinking and in a moment of panic, Rin fumbled around with his free hand, and as soon as he felt the right grooves at his fingertips he pushed down, held on, and shoved himself backward as the door swung wide open into a brightly lit bedroom. He used the momentum to his advantage and yanked Sousuke inside as well, and by the time he was done and left panting, the whirlwind finally subsided long enough for him to find his voice.
"Stay!" he exclaimed, though his voice shook and came out as more of a plea than anything else. It didn't make sense, of course it didn't, and it contradicted everything he said about wanting to keep his distance. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't bring himself to regret it even if he tried to force it. Because he made him a promise. He found him, chose him, branded him even knowing all this would come back to stab him where he hurt the most. ... There was a problem, yes. But that wasn't Sousuke's fault.
"... Just stay."
Even if it hurts.
no subject
But… nothing. Only the fading echo of the other boy’s body thudding against the door and the memory of the handle rattling slightly from the impact. Sousuke narrowed his eyes and he tightened his hand around Rin’s wrist. Not enough to hurt him, but not indicating he’d be so easily shaken off. The light from the windows was cut off in the shadows, covering Rin’s body with his own and the door’s alcove in such a way it seemed to swallow him. He saw his pupils blow open wide, the way his eyes flicked upward to stare into his own. Fear? Surprise? Frustration? What… what was in his eyes?
Of course he was angry! He didn’t have any real idea what or who he was supposed to be in this world, was trying to adjust and parse through the multifaceted information that strangers had thrown at him yesterday, struggled with coming to terms about being a shinki beneath a god, and still half-reeling from the transformation earlier that all-but stripped away any lingering haze of denial he might’ve been able to throw at this damn event! All of that coupled with the emotional issues that Rin was dealing with and putting Sousuke through at the same time. He wanted to be angry with him, wanted to find it in his head to regret accepting this deal, to let go and turn away in frustration as he headed right for the door and back out onto the streets.
But he didn’t. Oh he was angry at Rin. But not because he’d claimed Sousuke as his shinki, not because he turned him into a dog, not even because he’d cried in front of him in front of the gates. He was pissed because... you keep pushing yourself and you won’t tell me why! He wanted Rin to finally snap, to finally spit out whatever it was that made him clutch at his chest or laugh in that stupid, false way. Yell at me, curse, shout why you have to force yourself to keep going! Hadn’t he already told Rin to go lie down? Hadn’t Sousuke already told him he was fine and he didn’t have to worry about him? He knew Rin wasn’t feeling well right now, was struggling with something that maybe he couldn’t tell Sousuke. Fine! Say that then! But don’t keep pretending to be okay and expect me to believe that lie!
But he didn’t. Sousuke heard the scramble of fingers on wood and the soft ‘click’ of a lock being lifted, both too fast and sudden for him to try and stop it. The door swung open and he winced as light plunged over Rin’s shoulders and smacked him right in the face. He stumbled forward as Rin shoved backwards, doing some kind of awkward dance in an attempt not to fall over and not to knock the young god to the floor. But his arm abruptly went forward and he grunted in surprise as Rin yanked him into the room. He went. Ultimately ended up in a strange half-lunge position with his hand still wrapped tight around Rin’s wrist and his body tense from the sudden whirl of action.
Stay!
Sousuke jerked upright and stared at Rin, mouth hanging open halfway in a look of surprise. The command—no, plea—rung through the air in a voice that shivered despite its intensity. The shinki’s jaw set and flexed beneath the light tan of his skin and his lips twitched just slightly, as if he wanted to bare his teeth and growl, but was doing a fair job of holding the reaction back. The same kind of feeling came from before, when he’d stood there in the wet and the sakura, watching Rin with his tears and listening to his words. Even after all that, his distrust and speculation, Rin’s emotions and the confusion that twined taut between them, his own words drifted back to his mind, as permanently imprinted on his memories as the name etched into the curve of his shoulder. Fine. I’ll stay. He’d said that… hadn’t he.
A small part of him, detached from all the rest of this, was a little piqued that Rin would give that kind of command after turning Sousuke into a dog…
… Just stay.
And there it came again. Sousuke narrowed his eyes, lips pressing into a disappointed and irritated pout. This guy… honestly. And he wasn’t getting an answer to his demand either. Only another plea for him to stay. A plea, order, request, command… that he was apparently going along with. Sousuke released Rin’s wrist, letting their arms fall apart. His expression didn’t change, still frustrated. Finally, with a sharp “che-” of annoyance, Sousuke turned away from the other boy and headed towards the window. That icy feeling in Rin’s chest relinquished some of its stab, but instead dissolved into something warmer, heavy, and turbulent. Distanced. He didn’t stop until he was standing in front of the window and leaned his marked shoulder against the sill. Teal eyes glared out into the sakura grove covering the landscape around the castle and he crossed his arms over his chest, his broad shoulders and the expanse of his back blocking out the other boy by the door
“Maybe you can’t tell me what’s bothering you. Or you won’t. I don’t know.” He refused to look at Rin, focused on the trees outside so he didn’t risk the chance of seeing him in the reflection of the glass. “But stop pretending you’re fine around me. I know you’re not.” Strange to think this was their relationship after deciding to accept one another as god and shinki. This was his partner from now on… Yeah well no one said it was going to be instantaneously best friends. “Go lie down and rest.”
The silent undercurrent of his tone and the abrasiveness of his position conveyed the other comment fairly easily: I’m not talking to you anymore for now.
no subject
I know you better than anyone, but can I really know how to do this?
Once inside, Rin didn't look up, but he didn't try to slip his hand away either. He simply gave them a moment to breathe, to relax, to dispel the icy chill crystallizing and blooming in his chest. Of course he was angry. And maybe he'd be angry for a long time after this. But I can't tell you. If I tell you why-- I don't even know what will happen, but what if it's bad? What if it comes back to harm you? The growing apprehension held Rin's silence until finally his arm lowered and Sousuke's shadow faded from sight. Light, he thought, relieved and breathing, fingers absently touching his wrist before dropping back to his side. Warm, heavy... but drenched in light. ... So he was going to stay. Begrudgingly maybe. But he would stay nonetheless.
Well... he supposed if there was any place to stay, it would be here in this room, which Rin could finally glance over and silently scrutinize while Sousuke stood before the window. A single bed, black and gold velvet curtains, dressers and a mirror all made of rich cherry wood... an open view of the sea of pink trees fluttering and standing tall in the breeze. A little extravagant as usual, but it would do. And maybe in a way it even suited him.
Of course you'd be standing all the way over there. Shielding yourself, blocking me out.
Unconsciously Rin's eyes wandered over Sousuke's back. Every hill and valley, slope and turn, until they led him straight to his shoulder where that name stood bold against his tanned skin. No longer red, hopefully no longer aching, but still covered and clinging to a dream even here. His brows furrowed slightly at the thought and the look in his eyes turned sharp and cold. ... This same boy with his back to him, once held a deep, heavily guarded secret. He lied to him, didn't even trust him, and now here Rin was mirroring exactly that. Was this how it felt, he wondered? Like a constant, violent storm rocking and battering a tiny, fragile boat. Could this honestly be what this world expected him to harbor for as long as he lived? Why didn't you just tell me, Sousuke? If this is how it felt all that time, why didn't you just tell me?
Blood rushed through his veins, quick and hot, and without any effort the blossoms in the grove below began to still. His fingers ached, eyes stung, but the one thing on his mind was his own voice, chained up, locked away but desperate to call out to the boy across the room. If he only looked at him, he could tell him. If he just turned his head, he could show him. But just as the temperature in the room bloomed along with the phantom scent of roses, Rin blinked, shook his head, and everything abruptly returned to as it was. Whatever invisible aura consuming him retreated back into his chest and he did his best to contain it, to keep it from reaching Sousuke and his thoughts in the glow of the sun. This power... He didn't understand it. But it was so strong, so intoxicating.
I wanted to see you smiling at me.
"... You're right," he finally replied, his tone tired and weary, done. "I've got a lot on my mind. But I need time to figure out what I can and can't tell you." He turned and walked back towards the door, and just before stepping out into the hall, a single cherry blossom petal fluttered behind him to settle softly on the windowsill. "I know you're upset. And I know you have no reason to trust me..." A brief glance over his shoulder-- "But I'll be waiting for you."
--And he was gone.
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Both of them had a lot on their mind, though he wasn’t sure he liked the idea of what Rin could and couldn’t tell him. Unfortunately, he expected it. Rin’s moments of silence over their brief hour together pretty much confirmed it. And he remembered from yesterday that gods retained their memories, while shinki didn’t. Sousuke tilted his head to the side, letting it clunk gently on the window frame, the cool stone leaking its chill against his scalp. Footsteps retreated, the door opened, and a flash of pink wisped along the bottom peripheral of his vision. I’ll be waiting for you. Sousuke tightened his fingers around his biceps, eyes narrowing at the sea of pink resting outside the window. The ones that seemed so in tune with Rin’s emotions. You’re upset too. The door closed and he was alone.
It was a long, long time he stayed there. His mind was busy, troubled, spinning around in a maelstrom of confusion and frustration. He wanted to be angry, he was angry, but whether it was at Rin, at himself, at this world, he didn’t know anymore. Probably some of everything. What was true and what was false remained to be seen, but regardless of Rin’s lies, regardless of Sousuke not fading away through the night, regardless of this world promising and threatening shinki like him… the truth of the matter was, Rin helped him. Even now, when he looked at the mark, his name, branded on his shoulder, that help was there. Sousuke could have kept wandering, could have stayed by himself. Who knows what would’ve happened. He could’ve been completely fine. Or he might have vanished entirely.
But despite Sousuke’s brusque attitude and his words, Rin contracted him all the same. It was more than being a servant or a partner. He wasn’t blind enough to not see the power Rin had given him. Beyond that, Rin trusted him. He gave him a place to stay. Took him in and was intent on taking care of him for all Sousuke knew. He pushed himself beyond his discomfort to give the shinki a tour around his castle, even when he felt like a wreck. No, it wasn’t ideal and he still didn’t like the fact he had to rely on Rin. But… nothing Rin ever did gave Sousuke reason to doubt him. Even that lie was a petty matter, merely Rin trying to be kind to him. And Sousuke’d treated him like it was some grave offense. He frowned at himself again, remembering the dismissive tone he took before they parted. You just wanted me to be all right. That was the simple truth here, wasn’t it.
They might not be best friends right off the bat; they’d probably fight more. But…If you decide to pair up with a God, they'll be really lucky to be with you and I hope that they'll appreciate you. Makoto’s words came back; of course they’d come back. Time passed, frustrations slowly lessened, giving him time to think and work through these strange things. It was embarrassing and much of that cold anger and turbulent frustration faded away into a heavy guilt. He should’ve been more appreciative for what Rin was doing. He didn’t even know Sousuke, and yet he obviously cared for him. Didn’t help matters that his time away from Rin only rubbed other facts in even more. Rin was frustrated too; he probably didn’t know any more than Sousuke about this place (after all, hadn’t he arrived yesterday as well). Rin had his memories to deal with also, though the thought made Sousuke feel sick again and he quickly avoided pursuing that track. But through all of that… Rin reached for him, made him his shinki, gave him strength and purpose, gave him a place to stay and someone to be with. He didn’t doubt that Rin would protect him. And even if Sousuke was proud and self-reliant… it was pretty rude to get pissed at someone for trying their hardest to help you.
Hours passed before he finally pushed away from the window sill. The sun was already beginning to crawl towards the horizon, casting deepening light through the window on the other side of the castle this time. The single cherry blossom rested in Sousuke’s hand; he’d been unwilling to brush it away or leave without it. Of course, without pockets, the only other option was to put it into the waist of these leggings but… no. He kept it in his hand as he stepped out of the room and into the hallway. He wanted to find him…
But he got lost. For hours. Wandering the castle, through halls, up and down stairs, wondering where the hell he was even going! Of course he had no idea which direction Rin had gone when he left. No idea which room he was in. Of course there was no map either and he even embarrassed himself to the point of getting pink under his cheeks when he stood still and tried to “feel” where Rin might be. Ultimately, he got tired and began the process of elimination. Sousuke went from door to door and opened them. One after another. Started at one halfway and stuck to the left-hand wall. Like finding his way through a maze. He’d been more than relieved to hear the sound of the fountain and find himself back by the grand front doors again. But, that didn’t mean he found Rin. Off he went again, up the stairs (dreading the fact that this place had multiple floors too). But it gave him more time to think, more time to feel guilty and foolish for his actions, more time to calm down. It wasn’t until nigh-nightfall that Sousuke finally the door.
No, he had no idea Rin was behind it. All he’d done was silently move the handle and open the door just as quietly. But… it was obvious from the moment he looked into the room that he’d found his god. Found Rin. Without a sound, he pushed the door open and stepped through, moving his large body out of the darkness of the hallway and into the bedroom. Even if the other boy had said he had no “assigned” bedroom, this one wasn’t at all bad… But he wasn’t here for the room. He was here for the person inside it. Sousuke closed the door behind him, trying to keep as soundless as possible so as to not interrupt him (or wake him). But, for everything that he thought and came to terms with in those hours of thinking and getting lost… there was a simple want crystalized in his mind.
I want to stay with you.
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He didn't know where to start. His own duties aside, he had to live knowing his own friends had no idea who he was. These were the people he dreamed for, the people he fought and swam for. But who were they now and who was he to them? Only tools? Only a master expected to own and train and hold secrets from them? These are my friends, he told himself as he walked alone down another empty hallway. I can't do this to them... but I can't leave them alone. Still. What was he doing now? Where was he now? All powerful, all knowing and immortal. A god.
Alone.
He wandered until the sun finally set and his heart fell numb, and when his feet finally gave up he turned to the first door he set eyes on and walked with whatever energy he had left to give. Maybe it wasn't his designated room, whatever that was supposed to be, but Rin couldn't have cared less as long as he had somewhere to go. Wherever it was, at least he made sure to be far enough away from that first hallway as possible. He knew it was far; he could sense it--a little flicker of energy on the other side of the castle. As long as he gave him room, then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. You couldn't have given me an ocean instead, huh, he thought to whatever gods-that-be while shutting the door behind him and watching the last bit of orange sunlight disappear behind the silk curtains. No. Whoever they were, they had to be cruel. They had to give him everything and anyone he could ever need... only to take his sunshine away.
He didn't hear the handle turn or feel the brush of cold air when the door slowly opened. To anyone not paying much attention, the room might as well have been empty. But as the hallway light spilled in, it reached a single shoe, then another, left behind on the floor leading to the four poster bed on the other side of the bedroom. Someone was here, and upon closer inspection Sousuke would sure enough find Rin curled up on his side, uncovered and still, one foot dangling off the edge of the bed as if he barely managed to drag himself up. But he was asleep and breathing steadily, one hand tucked beneath his pillow... the other halfway reaching for the vacant spot beside him. Really, it didn't take long for him to fall asleep once he lay down, but judging by the dusting of pink on both damp and cold cheeks, he spared a moment anyway for a few last tears.
It'd been a while since he last slept by himself.
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He moved forward, from stone floor to luxurious carpet, until he stood beside the bed. Rin was sleeping… Sousuke let himself look this time. No sakura petals, no strange breezes, no light or confusing words. Only silence and Rin. His god. Curled up without blanket or sheet atop the bed. You really were tired… He could see it plain as the moon. Rin hadn’t even bothered to pull his other leg onto the bed. How fast had he fallen asleep? He wanted to think instantly. But the color on Rin’s cheeks, pink and still glistening faintly in the moonlight, told him otherwise. For all his frustration and Rin’s own troubles, he still had tears to shed. Sousuke knew it was probably due to him the majority of those tears shed. A silent mixture of disappointment and relief slid through him at seeing Rin’s slumber. Disappointment that he couldn’t say the words he wanted to say. Relief that he didn’t have to say them to his face. Don’t cry so much, Rin…
Sousuke felt something clench inside him when he saw his outstretched arm. Reaching across the bed. He couldn’t convince himself it was some stretch or casual fall. Rin was reaching for something, someone. And the only thing he had to answer for it was the empty sheets of a cold bed. Who slept next to you? A question he couldn’t answer, wasn’t sure he ever would be able to. Sousuke leaned away from the bed and silently moved around it to the other side. Ever so gently, so as to not wake him, he slipped one of the pillows from the head of the mattress. And then eased it under Rin’s outstretched arm. It wasn’t what or who he had… but maybe it would help. Done, he backed up and with all the stealth of a shark in the dark sea, vanished out of the room.
Only to return a few minutes later, loaded with blankets, pillows, and sheets he’d stripped from the rooms flanking this one. No one else was going to use them, right? Kneeling beside the bed, he slipped the load down onto the floor, doing everything as silently as he could. Blankets spread on the floor, sheets atop them, pillows settled, arranged enough that he had something soft to lie down. Of course, the rug under the bed was so lush he probably shouldn’t have bothered but… he wasn’t about to fall asleep uncovered wearing these legskins… His own bed made, Sousuke slipped a heavy sheet from the makeshift bed. With a quiet motion, he pulled the thing into a spread. And carefully draped it over Rin’s body, covering him from the cool air. Even took the effort to nudge that dangling foot up onto the mattress so he wouldn’t wake up numb.
Satisfied he’d given the distressed boy some comfort, Sousuke finally sank down on the blankets and pillows beside the bed. Maybe it was odd, his new form being that of a dog and here he was, sleeping beside his god’s bed. Like a good dog. But… he didn’t feel sore or upset about it, only a little wry in amusement. Rin was taking care of him, protecting him… Then Sousuke would do the same. His guard dog. His companion. He knew they’d have fights, he knew they’d but heads, probably hurt each other. He pulled the blankets up and covered himself, lying on his back and tucking one arm under the pillow, his right arm lying protectively over his chest. They’d make it work. For all the unease and frustration, he never forgot the feeling of that first change. When he felt so connected to Rin. Trusted him. Saw his strength and resolve.
Well… at the very least… they’d both sleep well tonight. And if Sousuke could help it, you wouldn’t have to spend another night alone.