Toshizou Hijikata ♦ 土方 歳三 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
koukai_kirai) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thenearshore2016-11-15 12:35 pm
koukai_kirai) wrote in thenearshore2016-11-15 12:35 pm
Love is a ghost train, rumbling through the darkness [OPEN, mostly]
Who: Hijikata and OPEN; Hijikata and Souji
What: After dealing reasonably well all things considered with a lifetime's worth of Issues for a month, Hijikata's been unexpectedly reminded of something pretty painful, and he's struggling to handle it. He's trying to sort himself out a little, but it's hard when you have, like, a fraction of a single coping skill on a good day.
When: May 13th and 14th
Where: Around the Near Shore (a riverbank in the Western suburbs of Tokyo, Kouenji temple in Kyoto, a bench in a public place of your choice in Kyoto); Hachiman's shrine on the Far Shore
Warnings: PTSD, survivor's guilt, regular guilt, intense grieving, graphically violent memories, memories of death, memories of suicide, smoking, depressive behavior, grown men who really need hugs, profanity. Full-blown nervous breakdown happening by the third prompt, but he's not in a good place mentally in any of the prompts. (He's slightly better off in the second one, though, and it's a little more open for silly things to come of it?)
[I. - I took the Cannonball down to the ocean - By the Tama river, western suburbs of Tokyo, May 13th, afternoon - OPEN]
[He's here.]
[It isn't as if Hijikata didn't know it was possible for his old comrades to show up. It isn't as if he hasn't thought about it, thought about every last one of them...]
[Out of all of them, he finds himself thinking, wincing immediately with guilt at the thought, why Sannan?]
[(He'd been so determined to die, isn't it a little cruel to make him live again?)]
[(How is Hijikata supposed to look him in the eye, of all people?)]
[He can't stay in his shrine. Staying there means Souji will know something's wrong with him, means he'll have to find ways around explaining. No, he needs to get out, needs to keep some space between them until he can be calm...]
[So he goes to the Near Shore, once Yamanami's shinki is gone. And since there's no hope, not really, of taking his mind off this, he takes it a step further -- he goes to Hino, to the banks of the Tama River...]
[To the streams and fields of the place where he was born.]
[He can't find the exact spot he's feeling drawn to. He's sure that old stand of bamboo is gone, and the fields it overlooked are too changed to recognize. Perhaps even the little hill it stood on has been bulldozed smooth to make way for some shop or other, after so long.]
[Instead, he wanders up and down the banks of the river for hours, smoking one cigarette after another until he's completely out of them. He doesn't seem to completely notice his surroundings, and might even stumble into oncoming pedestrians, with a slightly delayed, detached-sounding apology.]
[II. - 50 million feet of earth between the buried and me - Dawn, May 14th, Kouenji Temple, Kyoto - OPEN]
[When the night passes and he still hasn't found any peace, he lets his inner urge for self-punishment drive him a step further, further than he's dared to go in this last month:]
[He goes to Kyoto.]
[The buildings in the center of town are taller, shinier, all glass and metal and lights -- but the shape of the streets, unlike Tokyo's, is largely unchanged. It's nearly as easy as it was in his hometown, to let his feet bear him without conscious thought.]
[The gates to all of the temples are closed, at this hour. So are most if not all of the flower shops in town. But, well... that doesn't matter so much, does it, when no one can see him? He buys incense at a convenience store, and fills his arms with flowers from the outer gardens in the houses he passes.]
[Getting over the temple walls with an armful of flowers is... something more of a challenge.]
[Once he's over, he starts to feel a little silly. It's odd, isn't it, to visit the grave of someone who isn't dead anymore? Especially since he couldn't bring himself to visit it when he was still living in Kyoto...]
[But he continues, all the same -- past the room where the one old monk who tends the place is sleeping, around the main temple building, out to the back lot. There's a camellia tree nearby, and... there it is.]
[Hijikata lays the flowers all around the base of Yamanami's gravestone, sets a stick of incense to burn, then kneels down, bowing until his forehead touches the ground.]
...I'm sorry. I never listened to you enough, and...
I'm sorry.
[He stays there a little while, the light of morning beginning to spread around him, until finally he feels like he ought to leave. He goes back to the front of the building, clambers up to the top of the wall -- and pauses there a little awkwardly, as he realizes there's someone on the other side of it.]
[Well. Well, they're probably human, right? It's not as they're someone who's going to notice a tall, scowling man in a slightly rumpled but impeccably stylish suit looking very much like he's trying to sneak out after trespassing in a damn temple...]
[Right?]
[III - I watched the diesel disappear beneath the tumbling waves - Kyoto, anywhere, morning or afternoon of the 14th - OPEN]
[It felt a little better, after he visited the grave. Not better, but maybe nothing a little more walking around the city couldn't help.]
[And then, a few hours later, it hits him like a freight train all over again.]
[It starts with Sannan, of course. It starts with how did I let it end up like that, with the sick sensation of blood clinging to his skin, with his heart dropping down through the empty, gnawing pit of his stomach, with I trusted him and this can't be right and how could he do this to Souji? all clamoring for space in his head.]
[As he finds somewhere to sit down -- a park bench, a corner, somewhere, he doesn't even know or care at this point -- it keeps going from there, passing through all his memories and mercilessly dredging up the worst of his regrets from the bottom of the lake where they'd settled.]
[Kondou's dead. You failed him, you failed him, you couldn't keep him safe--]
[--should have done more to stop Itou from the beginning, you knew, you knew he was trouble and you let him walk away--]
[--just walked away and let him die alone, he loved you, he never loved anything in the world like he loved you and what makes you think you deserve for him to love you again when you turned your back on him and for what, for a cause you knew was lost--]
[--talk about honor as if it's ever meant anything to you, as if your hands aren't dirtier than anyone's and what did it achieve in the end, who did it protect--]
[--how many men died so you could prove yourself--]
[--Toudou wouldn't have died like that if he hadn't left, wouldn't have left if you'd just--]
[--was going to be a doctor, he was going to use that mind of his for something good, and you took that from him, you took--]
[--sons of bitches called him a traitor, fucking Kondou, a traitor, the goddamn nerve of the bastards, the nerve of them killing him like a common criminal after all he'd done for his country, the nerve of them taking away my best friend, my best friend, my brother--]
[--They trusted you. All of them put so much faith in you, and look where it got them.]
[He folds over on himself like he's been punched in the gut, hiding his face in one large hand, shaking as he tries to hold everything in. It will pass, it will pass, it always passes...]
[IV - Hold on to me, darlin', I got no place to go - Hachiman's Shrine, night of the 14th, CLOSED to Souji]
[He can't stay out another night. Souji's going to be frantic, if he does.]
[He can't stay still, either, so soon after coming home in the afternoon, he goes out to the dojo, picks up one of his heavily-weighted practice swords, and shuts off his thoughts as completely as possible.]
[The sun goes down. He stops, lights a lamp or two, and starts again.]
[It's hours past midnight by the time he misses a step in one of his kata, falls, and just can't find the will to get up again.]
[They trusted you, his mind whispers as soon as it has the opening, cold and vicious. They all deserved better. Sannan deserved better...]
[He closes his eyes, curls his fist against the tatami mats, grits his teeth, and doesn't get up.]
I know...
[God, he's tired.]
What: After dealing reasonably well all things considered with a lifetime's worth of Issues for a month, Hijikata's been unexpectedly reminded of something pretty painful, and he's struggling to handle it. He's trying to sort himself out a little, but it's hard when you have, like, a fraction of a single coping skill on a good day.
When: May 13th and 14th
Where: Around the Near Shore (a riverbank in the Western suburbs of Tokyo, Kouenji temple in Kyoto, a bench in a public place of your choice in Kyoto); Hachiman's shrine on the Far Shore
Warnings: PTSD, survivor's guilt, regular guilt, intense grieving, graphically violent memories, memories of death, memories of suicide, smoking, depressive behavior, grown men who really need hugs, profanity. Full-blown nervous breakdown happening by the third prompt, but he's not in a good place mentally in any of the prompts. (He's slightly better off in the second one, though, and it's a little more open for silly things to come of it?)
[I. - I took the Cannonball down to the ocean - By the Tama river, western suburbs of Tokyo, May 13th, afternoon - OPEN]
[He's here.]
[It isn't as if Hijikata didn't know it was possible for his old comrades to show up. It isn't as if he hasn't thought about it, thought about every last one of them...]
[Out of all of them, he finds himself thinking, wincing immediately with guilt at the thought, why Sannan?]
[(He'd been so determined to die, isn't it a little cruel to make him live again?)]
[(How is Hijikata supposed to look him in the eye, of all people?)]
[He can't stay in his shrine. Staying there means Souji will know something's wrong with him, means he'll have to find ways around explaining. No, he needs to get out, needs to keep some space between them until he can be calm...]
[So he goes to the Near Shore, once Yamanami's shinki is gone. And since there's no hope, not really, of taking his mind off this, he takes it a step further -- he goes to Hino, to the banks of the Tama River...]
[To the streams and fields of the place where he was born.]
[He can't find the exact spot he's feeling drawn to. He's sure that old stand of bamboo is gone, and the fields it overlooked are too changed to recognize. Perhaps even the little hill it stood on has been bulldozed smooth to make way for some shop or other, after so long.]
[Instead, he wanders up and down the banks of the river for hours, smoking one cigarette after another until he's completely out of them. He doesn't seem to completely notice his surroundings, and might even stumble into oncoming pedestrians, with a slightly delayed, detached-sounding apology.]
[II. - 50 million feet of earth between the buried and me - Dawn, May 14th, Kouenji Temple, Kyoto - OPEN]
[When the night passes and he still hasn't found any peace, he lets his inner urge for self-punishment drive him a step further, further than he's dared to go in this last month:]
[He goes to Kyoto.]
[The buildings in the center of town are taller, shinier, all glass and metal and lights -- but the shape of the streets, unlike Tokyo's, is largely unchanged. It's nearly as easy as it was in his hometown, to let his feet bear him without conscious thought.]
[The gates to all of the temples are closed, at this hour. So are most if not all of the flower shops in town. But, well... that doesn't matter so much, does it, when no one can see him? He buys incense at a convenience store, and fills his arms with flowers from the outer gardens in the houses he passes.]
[Getting over the temple walls with an armful of flowers is... something more of a challenge.]
[Once he's over, he starts to feel a little silly. It's odd, isn't it, to visit the grave of someone who isn't dead anymore? Especially since he couldn't bring himself to visit it when he was still living in Kyoto...]
[But he continues, all the same -- past the room where the one old monk who tends the place is sleeping, around the main temple building, out to the back lot. There's a camellia tree nearby, and... there it is.]
[Hijikata lays the flowers all around the base of Yamanami's gravestone, sets a stick of incense to burn, then kneels down, bowing until his forehead touches the ground.]
...I'm sorry. I never listened to you enough, and...
I'm sorry.
[He stays there a little while, the light of morning beginning to spread around him, until finally he feels like he ought to leave. He goes back to the front of the building, clambers up to the top of the wall -- and pauses there a little awkwardly, as he realizes there's someone on the other side of it.]
[Well. Well, they're probably human, right? It's not as they're someone who's going to notice a tall, scowling man in a slightly rumpled but impeccably stylish suit looking very much like he's trying to sneak out after trespassing in a damn temple...]
[Right?]
[III - I watched the diesel disappear beneath the tumbling waves - Kyoto, anywhere, morning or afternoon of the 14th - OPEN]
[It felt a little better, after he visited the grave. Not better, but maybe nothing a little more walking around the city couldn't help.]
[And then, a few hours later, it hits him like a freight train all over again.]
[It starts with Sannan, of course. It starts with how did I let it end up like that, with the sick sensation of blood clinging to his skin, with his heart dropping down through the empty, gnawing pit of his stomach, with I trusted him and this can't be right and how could he do this to Souji? all clamoring for space in his head.]
[As he finds somewhere to sit down -- a park bench, a corner, somewhere, he doesn't even know or care at this point -- it keeps going from there, passing through all his memories and mercilessly dredging up the worst of his regrets from the bottom of the lake where they'd settled.]
[Kondou's dead. You failed him, you failed him, you couldn't keep him safe--]
[--should have done more to stop Itou from the beginning, you knew, you knew he was trouble and you let him walk away--]
[--just walked away and let him die alone, he loved you, he never loved anything in the world like he loved you and what makes you think you deserve for him to love you again when you turned your back on him and for what, for a cause you knew was lost--]
[--talk about honor as if it's ever meant anything to you, as if your hands aren't dirtier than anyone's and what did it achieve in the end, who did it protect--]
[--how many men died so you could prove yourself--]
[--Toudou wouldn't have died like that if he hadn't left, wouldn't have left if you'd just--]
[--was going to be a doctor, he was going to use that mind of his for something good, and you took that from him, you took--]
[--sons of bitches called him a traitor, fucking Kondou, a traitor, the goddamn nerve of the bastards, the nerve of them killing him like a common criminal after all he'd done for his country, the nerve of them taking away my best friend, my best friend, my brother--]
[--They trusted you. All of them put so much faith in you, and look where it got them.]
[He folds over on himself like he's been punched in the gut, hiding his face in one large hand, shaking as he tries to hold everything in. It will pass, it will pass, it always passes...]
[IV - Hold on to me, darlin', I got no place to go - Hachiman's Shrine, night of the 14th, CLOSED to Souji]
[He can't stay out another night. Souji's going to be frantic, if he does.]
[He can't stay still, either, so soon after coming home in the afternoon, he goes out to the dojo, picks up one of his heavily-weighted practice swords, and shuts off his thoughts as completely as possible.]
[The sun goes down. He stops, lights a lamp or two, and starts again.]
[It's hours past midnight by the time he misses a step in one of his kata, falls, and just can't find the will to get up again.]
[They trusted you, his mind whispers as soon as it has the opening, cold and vicious. They all deserved better. Sannan deserved better...]
[He closes his eyes, curls his fist against the tatami mats, grits his teeth, and doesn't get up.]
I know...
[God, he's tired.]
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[He bumps his cheek affectionately against Hijikata's hand, forgiveness coming just that easily to him, because he knows Hijikata means it. And, well, because it's Hijikata and how could he not?
Does he maybe dare to...? Since Hijikata has his face pressed against him, it can't be too bad, and so Souji moves his head slightly so his lips brush against his temple. It's a very brief gesture, tentative, and careful not to cross the line of what's appropriate. But it feels nice to have done it even so.]
If- If you don't want to talk about it directly, could you maybe just... explain what you're feeling? [He can read some of it, but he doesn't have Hijikata's advantage on him when it comes to emotions. Even so, he hurries to add:] You don't have to go into any detail. I just- I want to understand.
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[It's... hard, thinking about Souji's request. He's never been one to talk about what he's feeling, except maybe with Kondou now and then -- and Kondou and Souji both used to always understand without really being told. But of course Souji doesn't have the context to understand anymore, doesn't have the memory of all the practice he's had at reading him...]
[He doesn't want to talk. But if he wants Souji to be able to understand, to be able to comfort him that way, he's going to have to.]
[Besides, the uncharitable part of his voice adds, didn't you spend long enough expecting him to do all the work of that sort of talking?]
[He bows his head a little lower, grip on Souji's clothes tightening slightly, heart pounding as he tries to find a safe way to explain.]
I was... reminded of something I did when I lived on the Near Shore. Things that hurt someone I thought of as a close friend.
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He'll still take his cues from his Gods, of course, and try not to overstep. But right now, at least, some degree of physical affection seems to not only be acceptable, but actively wanted, and Souji couldn't turn the unspoken request down if he tried.
He listens carefully to Hijikata's words, though a wordless sound of sympathy leaves his lips before he can manage to hold it back or turn it into something more restrained.]
I'm so sorry. [Because he already has a good enough grasp of Hijikata's personality to know that few things could probably cut him up as much from the inside and out.] That must feel... awful. You- You wish you could've done things differently? [Still treading carefully, still trying to keep it diffuse.]
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[He breathes in the scent of Souji's skin, fingers his robes like prayer beads, and pushes forward through his discomfort.]
Some days I wish I could have done everything differently.
If I'd been more understanding... if I'd listened better and been more careful, then maybe he wouldn't have died.
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Hijikata is hurting, and if he can do anything at all to make it better, that is more important than anything.]
So really, what you're wishing is that you could've been a better person, and that would've made you make different choices? [He sighs softly, rubbing his cheek gently against Hijikata's hair.] But that person you wish you had been... are you sure he could really have made things better? Or would they just have been bad some other way?
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[It's a complicated question, and his thoughts are simple right now, in a miserable sort of way.]
I just...
I always feel like there must have been a better way somewhere, if I'd just been able to find it.
[Not just about this. Always. Somehow, it's easier to tell Souji than it should be, because... well, because Souji's supposed to know.]
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I think it makes sense to think like that, for someone like you. You just want to make everything right somehow, huh?
[He carefully threads his fingers through Hijikata's hair, trying to relieve some of his tension.]
But maybe sometimes, there really is no better way, no matter how much you want it... you know? Or maybe there is, but you can't know that it's the better way until it's already happened. You can't actually know everything that's going to happen.
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[This is his sanctuary, his refuge from the world, the one place he's always been able to find something unconditional. Safe. He's safe, with Souji.]
It doesn't make me feel better to think that, when someone's hurt because of me.
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[He's not like Hijikata, not the kind to pile blame on himself like that. But he thinks of someone hurting because of him, someone he likes, and that makes him feel like his heart is splitting silently down the middle. He imagines pain in the expression of Yamato, Ayumu, Hijikata, and then assigns the blame to himself, and it's enough to make him shiver and press himself closer.
Closer to his safe space.]
I wouldn't like that thought either. But even if it's awful, sometimes you just don't have any choice.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... it's not always your fault, you know.
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[Birdsong, too cheerful, clashing with the muffled sobs of grown men. The scent of incense and death, the pallor of what little skin wasn't veiled. The details of the reports on her discovery seared scarlet into his mind. His own voice, sharpened to a point to keep it from wavering. Orders, unforgiving, without weakness.]
[Hijikata-kun. Is that... all you want to say?]
[(Even back then, Yamanami must have been disgusted with him.)]
[Harsh footsteps across the wooden veranda. His own voice again, barely restrained, working itself into something frenzied -- focusing all of his anger outward, because if he turned it on himself like he wanted to, he didn't know that he'd be able to bear it.]
[They've made a mistake this time. We'll make him talk, we'll capture the others, we'll bring them down--]
[Hijikata-san, it isn't your fault!]
[He didn't have anything to say to it the first time, and he doesn't this time, either.]
[But he's older, this time. He's not as afraid of being hurt, not as afraid of being afraid. He doesn't have to hide everything behind his anger the way he used to years ago.]
[And with just Souji to bear witness to it, he isn't afraid this time to just bury his face in the younger man's shoulder and let out a quiet, desperate sob.]
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Hijikata... crying. The thought is strange, doesn't quite want to fit in his thoughts, and at the same time he finds himself somehow capable of taking it in, not overwhelmed beyond the first shock. He makes a soft little sound, the distress coloring it at first quickly giving way to a warm hum. And he holds him, letting one hand slip down between his shoulder blades and methodically rubbing the spot there. As if his touch alone could soothe away the sobs with time.]
I'm here. I'm here. [He doesn't know why that's what he chooses to say, only that right now, it's the best consolation he can give.] I'm not going away.
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[That he still has one precious thing to hold on to.]
[But even that desperately needed comfort is a little overwhelming, and all he can find it in himself to do is hold Souji close and cry quietly, his heart a painful, heavy knot in his chest.]
[It might not even be a bad thing. He held so much in for so long, until he finally hit the point in his life when there was no way to keep holding his feelings back, no point in even trying. Even now, there's so much that weighs on him, so many old scars and regrets...]
[Even if it's good to let them out now, it hurts to acknowledge they're there.]
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So he keeps holding him, keeps making soothing noises and speaking quietly and comfortingly, his lips now pressed against his forehead as if he hopes his words will sink into Hijikata through his skin. He doesn't really say much; just repeats I'm here, just tells him it's going to be okay, just reminds him gently that it's different now. Different from what, he doesn't know of course, but he's still certain of it. Things are better, here. It doesn't have to be the same.
The words are less like advice and more encouragement anyway. They're there so that there won't be silence in between the sobs, to fill the emptiness that pulled them out of Hijikata in the first place. And Souji stays, knowing that eventually it will be over, and things will be a little better because of that too.]
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[Warm, gentle, reassuring. Constant.]
[As that sense of constancy sinks in, it finally sinks in how much he's missed this. After months of frantic battles, late nights, and exhausted numbness, he's finally hit with the full weight of how empty the world was from the day he walked away and left Souji behind, even before his light had gone out of the world completely.]
[A world without Souji's smile, without his murmured consolations, without his laughing eyes and his gentle hands and the way his voice sounded in the hush of the evening, without his loyalty and his reckless courage and his fondness for all of his friends, without that overwhelming love that changed him without ever even giving him a chance to not believe in it...]
[What would there ever have been for him, in a world without Souji?]
[He shudders as the grief finally, finally sinks in fully, and at first, he just sobs harder, biting back the urge to risk answering -- It's different, it's different, I won't lose you again, I'll keep you safe, I won't make the same mistakes this time...]
[Then, after a long time, the tears begin to slow, and as they do, his body slackens further. Even his hands loosen in Souji's clothing, though his arms stay wrapped tightly around them even as he gradually collapses into the futon and drags Souji with him.]
[He feels... lighter, somehow. The knot in his chest is looser.]
[He nuzzles his face against Souji's shoulder, exhausted and grateful, only about halfway awake and fading quickly.]
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This has to be okay, right? He knows he absolutely can't leave Hijikata now, not when he's finally found some peace, and so staying here is the right thing to do. Even if it is... well, in his bed. He's just going to have to not think about that.
Sinking down against Hijikata's broad chest, he gently wipes the moisture of tears from his cheeks with gentle fingers, brushes his hair into some kind of order. There, much better.]
Sleep. I'll be right here. [One last assurance for tonight. Hijikata seems like he's half asleep already, but Souji would like to think that he can take that one with him into his dreams.
Then, before he can talk himself out of it, he leans up and in and presses a small, chaste kiss to Hijikata's cheek, before lying down properly next to him. He can take that one with him too.]
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[He doesn't even have the energy to notice anything unusual about the kiss to his cheek, much less to care that he probably shouldn't go to sleep next to Souji like this.]
[Souji's here, he's safe, he's cared for, and as he drifts off, he genuinely just doesn't care about anything else.]
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It's all been rather tiring.
He manages to have enough presence of mind to push himself up for a moment, blow the lamp out and put a plate over the rice bowl, and then he's curling up next to his God once more. He's out like a light the moment he lays his head down.
~*~
As the sun tickles his eyelashes and a duck steps on his foot on its way back outside, Souji stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up completely. He's so warm, and it's so nice to just... just stay a while longer.
Smells nice. He buries his face against warmth, soft, nice. His lips move experimentally across it, and that feels good too. His fingers are buried in something silky and smooth. Warmth. Yes. Good.
That is all the thought he's capable of, and that certainly hasn't coalesced into a conclusion like "I'm halfway on top of Hijikata with my face pressed against his neck and my hands tangled up in his hair" just yet.]
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[What he doesn't quite process, this early in the morning, is why he probably shouldn't have allowed it this time. All he really knows at first is that Souji's here, and he might be dreaming, but even so, it's the first time in probably almost two that years he's woken up feeling like everything is as it should be.]
[He lets out a deep, contented sigh, sliding a lazy hand over Souji's back, pressing his lips to the top of his head.]
[This is theirs. This is right.]
Souji...
[The name is like a little prayer of thanks, quiet and intimate, the roughness of sleep doing nothing to mar the gentleness of his voice.]
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It's nice that Hijikata-
Hijikata.
Hijikata.
Slowly opening his eyes, suddenly not breathing at all, Souji takes in the situation. His own lips are half open against Hijikata's neck, and as he instinctively closes them, he can feel the taste of salt from his skin. The warmth he's feeling makes sense, because he's sprawled with most of his body on top of the other man, one leg having slid in between Hijikata's, curled around the crook of his knee and keeping him in place there.
Oh. Oh God. Quite literally.
...
What is he even supposed to do now? Move? Not move? His breathing has come back, but it's a bit unsteady and abrupt.]
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[Until he remembers that Souji isn't supposed to be here.]
[He relaxes into the blankets again, ruffling a big, gentle hand through Souji's hair.]
It's alright. You don't have to panic.
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Yeah.
That.
There is definitely still panic in his eyes, which probably can't go any wider at this point.]
I'm- I- I'm sorry!
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Souji. Take a breath and calm down. That stings.
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Souji just... buries his face against his chest instead, attempting to hide the fact that he's gone bright pink, which is pretty futile in the circumstances.]
I'm really, really sorry. I- I can't help it. [Oh god, why did he say that? Set him free. End this...]
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[He sighs, flopping his head back against the pillow and putting a careful hand on the back of Souji's head, cradling him to himself.]
Breathe, and listen to me.
It's fine.
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But he's just going to have to deal with the humiliation of it, because it's still better than hurting Hijikata with the more self-destructive of those feelings. So he concentrates on that hand on the back of his head, on how he's safe and happy here, and tries not to actually melt with embarrassment.]
I still shouldn't- It's just that it's... it's morning and you're here and- [Okay no, talking is terrible and also hard to do with his face pressed against Hijikata's chest, let's stop that.]
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