Love is a ghost train, rumbling through the darkness [OPEN, mostly]

[koukai_kirai]

Who: Hijikata and OPEN; Hijikata and Souji
What: After dealing reasonably well all things considered with a lifetime's worth of Issues for a month, Hijikata's been unexpectedly reminded of something pretty painful, and he's struggling to handle it. He's trying to sort himself out a little, but it's hard when you have, like, a fraction of a single coping skill on a good day.
When: May 13th and 14th
Where: Around the Near Shore (a riverbank in the Western suburbs of Tokyo, Kouenji temple in Kyoto, a bench in a public place of your choice in Kyoto); Hachiman's shrine on the Far Shore
Warnings: PTSD, survivor's guilt, regular guilt, intense grieving, graphically violent memories, memories of death, memories of suicide, smoking, depressive behavior, grown men who really need hugs, profanity. Full-blown nervous breakdown happening by the third prompt, but he's not in a good place mentally in any of the prompts. (He's slightly better off in the second one, though, and it's a little more open for silly things to come of it?)




[I. - I took the Cannonball down to the ocean - By the Tama river, western suburbs of Tokyo, May 13th, afternoon - OPEN]

[He's here.]

[It isn't as if Hijikata didn't know it was possible for his old comrades to show up. It isn't as if he hasn't thought about it, thought about every last one of them...]

[Out of all of them, he finds himself thinking, wincing immediately with guilt at the thought, why Sannan?]

[(He'd been so determined to die, isn't it a little cruel to make him live again?)]

[(How is Hijikata supposed to look him in the eye, of all people?)]

[He can't stay in his shrine. Staying there means Souji will know something's wrong with him, means he'll have to find ways around explaining. No, he needs to get out, needs to keep some space between them until he can be calm...]

[So he goes to the Near Shore, once Yamanami's shinki is gone. And since there's no hope, not really, of taking his mind off this, he takes it a step further -- he goes to Hino, to the banks of the Tama River...]

[To the streams and fields of the place where he was born.]

[He can't find the exact spot he's feeling drawn to. He's sure that old stand of bamboo is gone, and the fields it overlooked are too changed to recognize. Perhaps even the little hill it stood on has been bulldozed smooth to make way for some shop or other, after so long.]

[Instead, he wanders up and down the banks of the river for hours, smoking one cigarette after another until he's completely out of them. He doesn't seem to completely notice his surroundings, and might even stumble into oncoming pedestrians, with a slightly delayed, detached-sounding apology.]

[II. - 50 million feet of earth between the buried and me - Dawn, May 14th, Kouenji Temple, Kyoto - OPEN]

[When the night passes and he still hasn't found any peace, he lets his inner urge for self-punishment drive him a step further, further than he's dared to go in this last month:]

[He goes to Kyoto.]

[The buildings in the center of town are taller, shinier, all glass and metal and lights -- but the shape of the streets, unlike Tokyo's, is largely unchanged. It's nearly as easy as it was in his hometown, to let his feet bear him without conscious thought.]

[The gates to all of the temples are closed, at this hour. So are most if not all of the flower shops in town. But, well... that doesn't matter so much, does it, when no one can see him? He buys incense at a convenience store, and fills his arms with flowers from the outer gardens in the houses he passes.]

[Getting over the temple walls with an armful of flowers is... something more of a challenge.]

[Once he's over, he starts to feel a little silly. It's odd, isn't it, to visit the grave of someone who isn't dead anymore? Especially since he couldn't bring himself to visit it when he was still living in Kyoto...]

[But he continues, all the same -- past the room where the one old monk who tends the place is sleeping, around the main temple building, out to the back lot. There's a camellia tree nearby, and... there it is.]

[Hijikata lays the flowers all around the base of Yamanami's gravestone, sets a stick of incense to burn, then kneels down, bowing until his forehead touches the ground.]

...I'm sorry. I never listened to you enough, and...

I'm sorry.

[He stays there a little while, the light of morning beginning to spread around him, until finally he feels like he ought to leave. He goes back to the front of the building, clambers up to the top of the wall -- and pauses there a little awkwardly, as he realizes there's someone on the other side of it.]

[Well. Well, they're probably human, right? It's not as they're someone who's going to notice a tall, scowling man in a slightly rumpled but impeccably stylish suit looking very much like he's trying to sneak out after trespassing in a damn temple...]

[Right?]

[III - I watched the diesel disappear beneath the tumbling waves - Kyoto, anywhere, morning or afternoon of the 14th - OPEN]

[It felt a little better, after he visited the grave. Not better, but maybe nothing a little more walking around the city couldn't help.]

[And then, a few hours later, it hits him like a freight train all over again.]

[It starts with Sannan, of course. It starts with how did I let it end up like that, with the sick sensation of blood clinging to his skin, with his heart dropping down through the empty, gnawing pit of his stomach, with I trusted him and this can't be right and how could he do this to Souji? all clamoring for space in his head.]

[As he finds somewhere to sit down -- a park bench, a corner, somewhere, he doesn't even know or care at this point -- it keeps going from there, passing through all his memories and mercilessly dredging up the worst of his regrets from the bottom of the lake where they'd settled.]

[Kondou's dead. You failed him, you failed him, you couldn't keep him safe--]

[--should have done more to stop Itou from the beginning, you knew, you knew he was trouble and you let him walk away--]

[--just walked away and let him die alone, he loved you, he never loved anything in the world like he loved you and what makes you think you deserve for him to love you again when you turned your back on him and for what, for a cause you knew was lost--]

[--talk about honor as if it's ever meant anything to you, as if your hands aren't dirtier than anyone's and what did it achieve in the end, who did it protect--]

[--how many men died so you could prove yourself--]

[--Toudou wouldn't have died like that if he hadn't left, wouldn't have left if you'd just--]

[--was going to be a doctor, he was going to use that mind of his for something good, and you took that from him, you took--]

[--sons of bitches called him a traitor, fucking Kondou, a traitor, the goddamn nerve of the bastards, the nerve of them killing him like a common criminal after all he'd done for his country, the nerve of them taking away my best friend, my best friend, my brother--]

[--They trusted you. All of them put so much faith in you, and look where it got them.]

[He folds over on himself like he's been punched in the gut, hiding his face in one large hand, shaking as he tries to hold everything in. It will pass, it will pass, it always passes...]


[IV - Hold on to me, darlin', I got no place to go - Hachiman's Shrine, night of the 14th, CLOSED to Souji]


[He can't stay out another night. Souji's going to be frantic, if he does.]

[He can't stay still, either, so soon after coming home in the afternoon, he goes out to the dojo, picks up one of his heavily-weighted practice swords, and shuts off his thoughts as completely as possible.]

[The sun goes down. He stops, lights a lamp or two, and starts again.]

[It's hours past midnight by the time he misses a step in one of his kata, falls, and just can't find the will to get up again.]

[They trusted you, his mind whispers as soon as it has the opening, cold and vicious. They all deserved better. Sannan deserved better...]

[He closes his eyes, curls his fist against the tatami mats, grits his teeth, and doesn't get up.]

I know...

[God, he's tired.]

Comments

III

[brynwieldr]

[In the course of Leo's admittedly chaotic study of Japan, Kyoto had come up several times for one reason or another and he finally decided to take a trip there on his own to visit a few of the museums. Sure, he could have taken his shinki but as much as he misses going places with Niles and likes Saix, sometimes Leo needs time alone.

And anyway, he isn't sure they'd appreciate studying history and art of a world you're not originally from. Leo was a special kind of academic, after all.

He's taking a break from visiting the museums when he spots Hijikata stumbling and rushes over, hopefully catching him before he falls over]

Hijikata?!

[koukai_kirai]

[The sound of his name manages to remind him that he's in public -- and it looks like he isn't lucky enough today to have been surrounded by nothing but humans. He doesn't even quite recognize who's talking to him at first, but it doesn't matter.]

[He shakes his head, takes a deep breath, reaches to try and find a wall or something to steady himself on, to stand upright again -- but the damage is already done, maybe. He can't will away the trembling in his limbs, the sick feeling in his stomach, the paleness and dullness of his skin. He can't stop his breath from pausing altogether, then hitching sharply, trying to make up for the last few seconds, his chest shuddering erratically.]

--I'm fine. It's nothing to worry about, just lost my balance.

[He can't even look at Leo, can only pray (can gods pray?) that he'll afford him the dignity of pretending to believe him.]

[brynwieldr]

[Leo so does not believe him and while he can understand wanting to avoid embarrassment, pretty much no one will see them and anyway something is very clearly wrong here.]

Even if I believed that, you look terrible and I can't in good conscious leave you like this where no one can see you. Here, I just passed a park.

[He moves to stand close enough to Hijikata to let the taller man lean on him if he needs it]

I

[nakemen]

[It's pure coincidence that Izuminokami finds Hijikata. Not that Izuminokami doesn't ever leave his shrine, he does. A lot. Staying still in one place drives him insane, but it's definitely a one in a million chance to find Hijikata here.

The first thing he smells is the smoke when he steps closer to him. The smell stands out, but his posture, his face, and how Izuminokami can tell something is wrong; that's what stands out most to the sword. He keeps bumping into people and when Izuminokami moves to go behind him, to reach out and say something, Hijikata turns around suddenly and bumps into him.]

Wow, watch where you're going. [He offers a smile, trying to show he's joking. What could Hijikata ever really do to offend him? But now in more seriousness, he speaks up.] What's wrong? [He sounds almost scared to call out to him. But his former master is more important than small worries. Whatever is wrong, he'll help as best he can because that's what you do when someone's important to you.]

[koukai_kirai]

Izuminokami?

[Shit, you'd think he'd at least have noticed someone was that close to him. Hijikata blinks like he's just waking up, the cigarette nearly dropping from his fingers for a precarious moment.]

What are you doing here?

[Is that answer? No, it sure as Hell isn't.]

[nakemen]

Oh, the usual. Walking around, bored. I don't usually come out here, but I guess there's a first time for everything. Heh, maybe my heart knew you were out here or something. [He grins, trying to make Hijikata smile. It didn't go unnoticed that Hijikata didn't answer his question so if he doesn't want to then okay. He'll try to cheer him up.]

Just kidding. Corny shit--stuff like that isn't my style. [He still has to try to be polite!]

I CAME TO DIE

[spes_phthisica]

[Something is wrong. Something is wrong because Hijikata was gone all of last night without saying anything, and even now he's back, he's keeping to himself. Something is wrong because the the look on his face when he came back home was far too much that of a man trying to empty the water out of his sinking vessel with a sake cup. Something is wrong because Hijikata has been in the dojo for hours and though Souji had thought it better to give him space at first... well, now he's getting scared.

So after first going to Hijikata's room - lighting a lamp, preparing some tea and something light to eat and leaving it on a tray there - he makes his way quietly down silent corridors to where his God is.

His heart is already clenching with apprehension and upset as he slides the door open, and as he takes in the sight of Hijikata collapsed on the floor, drenched in sweat, pale and clearly exhausted, it's as if someone has punched it. Instead of staying on his knees outside as he'd first thought, instead of asking Hijikata if he can come in, he finds himself rushing into the room, almost tripping over his feet before he finally sinks down next to his God. He reaches out and grasps that clenched fist in his own hand, reaching out the other one to anxiously brush some hair away from his face.]

Hijikata-san? [Once again he doesn't notice the shift in honorific, this time because he's far too worried.] What happened?

HI I LOVE YOU

[koukai_kirai]

Souji?

[Damn it. Damn it, he was careless -- he should have been more certain to come back to his room at a decent hour, shouldn't have made him worry like this... It was an undercurrent before, but when the door slides open, it suddenly stings, and his own guilt hits him even worse.]

[Selfish.]

[Souji deserves better.]

[He flinches away from the gentle hand in his hair, but his hand, as if acting on memory alone, opens up enough to let Souji's fingers slip between his own and then clamps down again, clutching on to him like a lifeline.]

Nothing. I got caught up with my training.

[It's a lie, Souji will know it's a lie, but how is he supposed to explain with the Secret between them?]

I LOVE YOU TOO AND ALSO PAIN

[spes_phthisica]

[Souji doesn't react at all to the hand clenching his so hard that he can hear a couple of joints crack, but he flinches slightly at Hijikata's words, and he can't quite chase the flash of hurt from his expression for a second or two. He's instantly sorry about it, because Hijikata doesn't need his selfish wounded feelings right now, he can see that. Even so...]

You don't have to lie, you know. If you don't want to talk about it, I won't ask again.

[He keeps his voice free from reproach, as soft and encouraging as he can make it. Even though Hijikata had flinched a bit before, he remains resolute in brushing away his hair, and then gently running his fingers across his forehead, his cheek.]

But you're not staying in here. I've got some tea and some rice for you, and then you're going to bed, okay?

II

[oathkeeper]

[Returning from a prayer that took most of the night because Sora got lost in Kyoto, he finally manages to wander his way to the front of Kounenji Temple. He looks up at the building with curiosity and feels the various energies coming from it. He’s found lately that he likes a lot of temples. They’re full of history and stories.

He yawns widely and holds a hand near his mouth. When his eyes open again he notices something... no ... someone climbing over the wall.

And he just stares. And blinks.]

Umm...

[koukai_kirai]

[Hell.]

[They're looking right at him. Hijikata literally facepalms, dragging his hand slowly down his face, still straddling the little rooftop of the outer wall.]

[On the bright side, maybe, he does recognize Sora as he takes a closer look.]

Yeah? What do you want?

[As if it's completely normal for him to be up here.]

[oathkeeper]

[Oh! It's old man Hijikata. Long time no see.]

Didn't know you were into wall climbing, Hijikata. Did you know you can go to facilities for that?

[You know, the rock wall climbing places with the little rocks in the wall and they strap you up with ropes.]

I

[sweetdeath]

[It's a nice day, the perfect kind of day to wander down to the river between checking in at one of Tajimamori's shrines to see if anyone's left a request and heading back to the Far Shore to pick Lilka up for a blueberry-shopping expedition. There are other strolling pedestrians down by the river, and the occasional teenager tearing through on a bike to make it to some school event or other.

He doesn't notice the other god until Hijikata stumbles right into him, his shoulder hitting Tsuzuki's with a mutter of apology that sounds like he hasn't even noticed who Tsuzuki is.

Something's wrong, all right. Tsuzuki stops in his tracks, turning to reach out and catch Hijikata's shoulder.]

Hijikata? Hey, are you all right?

[koukai_kirai]

Tsuzuki?

[He says it like he barely recognizes him, for a second, then does his best to shake it off, straightening his back, shaking his head a little.]

--of course. What are you doing out here?

[sweetdeath]

[That's the kind of "of course" that Tsuzuki knows because he's said it himself. It's not the kind that actually means yes.

He lets his hand fall back to his side, and shifts a little awkwardly, waving a hand up the riverbank in the vague direction of the nearest shrine to Tajimamori.]

Just taking a break between visiting some of my shrines. What about you? I didn't expect to see you out here, either. Not that it's not a nice day for a walk.

I

[thekillerwhale]

[Makoto is out for a run around Tokyo. It's familiar to him and it's quiet in the suburban area. That's when he sees Hijikata walking about the riverbanks and he decides to jog over to him and greet him.

Being generally good with people, he can sense something is just a bit off with him, but he still smiles and calls out to him.]

Hijikata-sensei! Hello!

[He lifts a hand to wave at him to go along with the smile.]

[koukai_kirai]

[He's caught up enough in his memories that it genuinely takes him a second to place who it is that would call him sensei. And it takes a second longer than that for him to match that person with the one standing right in front of him. It's a fairly drastic contrast to his usual sharp attention and quick wits.]

Tachibana? What are you doing out here?

[thekillerwhale]

I used to go to college here in Tokyo before I got...uh...this new position, so I thought I'd go for a run around here.

What about yourself? Were you out for a walk?

[Because the way he was walking seemed pretty aimless.]

III I'm ready for pain

[okitactless]

[Yamato has no reason to be here.

There's no prayer he's helping Shepard fulfill, no particular errand he's running. But of all the places in Japan he's visited on this shore, Kyoto is the one he feels most comfortable with. Tokyo is fascinating, as are the rural towns, and Yamato certainly feels like he's seeing it all for the first time, even though all he did was die.

He doesn't think too much of it; Kyoto is just nicer, somehow, beautiful and elegant even when caught up in the trappings of modernity. There's no reason not to come, so he does, albeit sparsely. He doesn't like to stray far from Shepard, especially these days.

But he's here now, and although it's fairly rare, it isn't the first time he's bumped into a god or shinki down on earth. Hijikata is a difficult man to ignore, and Yamato spots him from a distance, as he sinks down-- and then crumples, in a way that's alarmingly vulnerable. He'd intended to simply stroll over and greet him, but now he hurries over, just barely avoiding shoving his way past the other pedestrians.]

Hijikata-san? [He crouches down in front of Hijikata, reaching out to touch his shoulder without thinking; Souji's tactile tendencies are rubbing off on him, apparently.] Are you ill?

[koukai_kirai]

[There's a soft touch, a voice -- worried, concerned, strong but gentle, somehow a little childish in tone...]

Souji?

[There's a breathless moment before he manages to catch his mistake, and when he does, he still has no idea how to react. He seems to be struggling to even breathe normally, but all the same, he tries to stand up again.]

It's... It was nothing, I'm fine...

[What else is he supposed to say, honestly? Point-blank lying seems like the only thing he can do.]

[okitactless]

Ah--

[Is that who Hijikata's thinking of? Yamato wouldn't blame him--Souji is the first person Yamato had opened to, after Ayumu had been all but forced to take him in. There's nothing unusual about a god seeking comfort in their shinki, he thinks, and that's doubly true when the shinki in question is Souji.

So he doesn't bother to correct Hijikata (it's flattering, really, but now isn't the time for that). Instead, he frowns, pushing Hijikata right back down--something he probably wouldn't have dared to do if he'd had his memories. He doesn't crowd closer, but he doesn't withdraw either, bright blue eyes searching and worried.]

You're not fine. [It's not an accusation. He says it like it's a simple fact, and as far as he's concerned, it is. Hijikata's clearly not anywhere close to "fine".] Should I call Souji-kun?

I

[revolutionfalcon]

[Even with a job less confining than some others, Shun finds it easier to weather long shifts stuck in the same building when he's burnt his restless energy and awareness out a little in the streets beforehand. So walks through Tokyo before he's due to work are becoming more and more frequent, and today he finds himself along the banks of a river. It's a nice spot as they go, he supposes, and he lingers there for perhaps a few minutes longer than he normally would have.

As he steps away, though, he hears the sound of someone steadily coming closer - and apparently not caring to move any. Stepping to one side just before he actually gets walked into, Shun turns his head to give the passer-by a rather sour remark when he recognises the face, and the annoyance bubbles away.

Shun still looks a little guarded, but that level of absence doesn't seem right, given their last conversation. It's an unfortunate kind of familiar for other reasons, though.]

If you have something on your mind, making it that obvious by walking into people is just going to invite questions you might not want to answer.

[koukai_kirai]

[Shit, and here he thought he'd be more or less in private on the Near Shore...]

[Hijikata sighs, dragging the hand without a cigarette in it through his hair.]

Most people aren't going to notice me long enough to ask questions even if I do walk right into them.

iii

[minogame]

( Without a god, Urashima can't answer prayers like other shinki and really, he shouldn't be out and about in the Near Shore either. But it's not that easy, you know? He can't bring himself to give himself to another god because despite all of the time that's passed, it still feels like yesterday to him. And then staying in the Far Shore, watching others, seeing reminders, feeling that feeling in his chest well up all over again-- if he's careful, it's okay to go out for just a little bit, right?

As usual, he finds himself drawn to another park and he's playing with some children, running and laughing during an easy game of tag. But in all of his fun, he catches sight of someone familiar-- it's hard to miss Hijikata-- and he slows his run, letting the children run ahead to continue their game without him. Coming to a stop in front of Hijikata, he says quietly to the hunched over man, )

Hijikata-san? ( It's quiet, just above a whisper, and he tries again, a little louder, ) Hijikata-san, are you okay?

( Of course he isn't, Urashima can tell that much easily, but without knowing what's wrong, he isn't sure how to help. )

[koukai_kirai]

[Hijikata physically shrinks away when he realizes there's someone nearby, curling in tighter on himself, feeling this urge to just... disappear and stop goddamn troubling people with his own needs, his own ambitions, his own problems.]

[How many men are dead because of what you asked of them?]

I'm alright.

[Yeah, he definitely looks alright, all doubled over on himself like this. He definitely sounds alright, and not like he's got to force himself to speak at all.]

It's... nothing, I'm fine...