Toshizou Hijikata ♦ 土方 歳三 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
koukai_kirai) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thenearshore2016-11-15 12:35 pm
koukai_kirai) wrote in thenearshore2016-11-15 12:35 pm
Love is a ghost train, rumbling through the darkness [OPEN, mostly]
Who: Hijikata and OPEN; Hijikata and Souji
What: After dealing reasonably well all things considered with a lifetime's worth of Issues for a month, Hijikata's been unexpectedly reminded of something pretty painful, and he's struggling to handle it. He's trying to sort himself out a little, but it's hard when you have, like, a fraction of a single coping skill on a good day.
When: May 13th and 14th
Where: Around the Near Shore (a riverbank in the Western suburbs of Tokyo, Kouenji temple in Kyoto, a bench in a public place of your choice in Kyoto); Hachiman's shrine on the Far Shore
Warnings: PTSD, survivor's guilt, regular guilt, intense grieving, graphically violent memories, memories of death, memories of suicide, smoking, depressive behavior, grown men who really need hugs, profanity. Full-blown nervous breakdown happening by the third prompt, but he's not in a good place mentally in any of the prompts. (He's slightly better off in the second one, though, and it's a little more open for silly things to come of it?)
[I. - I took the Cannonball down to the ocean - By the Tama river, western suburbs of Tokyo, May 13th, afternoon - OPEN]
[He's here.]
[It isn't as if Hijikata didn't know it was possible for his old comrades to show up. It isn't as if he hasn't thought about it, thought about every last one of them...]
[Out of all of them, he finds himself thinking, wincing immediately with guilt at the thought, why Sannan?]
[(He'd been so determined to die, isn't it a little cruel to make him live again?)]
[(How is Hijikata supposed to look him in the eye, of all people?)]
[He can't stay in his shrine. Staying there means Souji will know something's wrong with him, means he'll have to find ways around explaining. No, he needs to get out, needs to keep some space between them until he can be calm...]
[So he goes to the Near Shore, once Yamanami's shinki is gone. And since there's no hope, not really, of taking his mind off this, he takes it a step further -- he goes to Hino, to the banks of the Tama River...]
[To the streams and fields of the place where he was born.]
[He can't find the exact spot he's feeling drawn to. He's sure that old stand of bamboo is gone, and the fields it overlooked are too changed to recognize. Perhaps even the little hill it stood on has been bulldozed smooth to make way for some shop or other, after so long.]
[Instead, he wanders up and down the banks of the river for hours, smoking one cigarette after another until he's completely out of them. He doesn't seem to completely notice his surroundings, and might even stumble into oncoming pedestrians, with a slightly delayed, detached-sounding apology.]
[II. - 50 million feet of earth between the buried and me - Dawn, May 14th, Kouenji Temple, Kyoto - OPEN]
[When the night passes and he still hasn't found any peace, he lets his inner urge for self-punishment drive him a step further, further than he's dared to go in this last month:]
[He goes to Kyoto.]
[The buildings in the center of town are taller, shinier, all glass and metal and lights -- but the shape of the streets, unlike Tokyo's, is largely unchanged. It's nearly as easy as it was in his hometown, to let his feet bear him without conscious thought.]
[The gates to all of the temples are closed, at this hour. So are most if not all of the flower shops in town. But, well... that doesn't matter so much, does it, when no one can see him? He buys incense at a convenience store, and fills his arms with flowers from the outer gardens in the houses he passes.]
[Getting over the temple walls with an armful of flowers is... something more of a challenge.]
[Once he's over, he starts to feel a little silly. It's odd, isn't it, to visit the grave of someone who isn't dead anymore? Especially since he couldn't bring himself to visit it when he was still living in Kyoto...]
[But he continues, all the same -- past the room where the one old monk who tends the place is sleeping, around the main temple building, out to the back lot. There's a camellia tree nearby, and... there it is.]
[Hijikata lays the flowers all around the base of Yamanami's gravestone, sets a stick of incense to burn, then kneels down, bowing until his forehead touches the ground.]
...I'm sorry. I never listened to you enough, and...
I'm sorry.
[He stays there a little while, the light of morning beginning to spread around him, until finally he feels like he ought to leave. He goes back to the front of the building, clambers up to the top of the wall -- and pauses there a little awkwardly, as he realizes there's someone on the other side of it.]
[Well. Well, they're probably human, right? It's not as they're someone who's going to notice a tall, scowling man in a slightly rumpled but impeccably stylish suit looking very much like he's trying to sneak out after trespassing in a damn temple...]
[Right?]
[III - I watched the diesel disappear beneath the tumbling waves - Kyoto, anywhere, morning or afternoon of the 14th - OPEN]
[It felt a little better, after he visited the grave. Not better, but maybe nothing a little more walking around the city couldn't help.]
[And then, a few hours later, it hits him like a freight train all over again.]
[It starts with Sannan, of course. It starts with how did I let it end up like that, with the sick sensation of blood clinging to his skin, with his heart dropping down through the empty, gnawing pit of his stomach, with I trusted him and this can't be right and how could he do this to Souji? all clamoring for space in his head.]
[As he finds somewhere to sit down -- a park bench, a corner, somewhere, he doesn't even know or care at this point -- it keeps going from there, passing through all his memories and mercilessly dredging up the worst of his regrets from the bottom of the lake where they'd settled.]
[Kondou's dead. You failed him, you failed him, you couldn't keep him safe--]
[--should have done more to stop Itou from the beginning, you knew, you knew he was trouble and you let him walk away--]
[--just walked away and let him die alone, he loved you, he never loved anything in the world like he loved you and what makes you think you deserve for him to love you again when you turned your back on him and for what, for a cause you knew was lost--]
[--talk about honor as if it's ever meant anything to you, as if your hands aren't dirtier than anyone's and what did it achieve in the end, who did it protect--]
[--how many men died so you could prove yourself--]
[--Toudou wouldn't have died like that if he hadn't left, wouldn't have left if you'd just--]
[--was going to be a doctor, he was going to use that mind of his for something good, and you took that from him, you took--]
[--sons of bitches called him a traitor, fucking Kondou, a traitor, the goddamn nerve of the bastards, the nerve of them killing him like a common criminal after all he'd done for his country, the nerve of them taking away my best friend, my best friend, my brother--]
[--They trusted you. All of them put so much faith in you, and look where it got them.]
[He folds over on himself like he's been punched in the gut, hiding his face in one large hand, shaking as he tries to hold everything in. It will pass, it will pass, it always passes...]
[IV - Hold on to me, darlin', I got no place to go - Hachiman's Shrine, night of the 14th, CLOSED to Souji]
[He can't stay out another night. Souji's going to be frantic, if he does.]
[He can't stay still, either, so soon after coming home in the afternoon, he goes out to the dojo, picks up one of his heavily-weighted practice swords, and shuts off his thoughts as completely as possible.]
[The sun goes down. He stops, lights a lamp or two, and starts again.]
[It's hours past midnight by the time he misses a step in one of his kata, falls, and just can't find the will to get up again.]
[They trusted you, his mind whispers as soon as it has the opening, cold and vicious. They all deserved better. Sannan deserved better...]
[He closes his eyes, curls his fist against the tatami mats, grits his teeth, and doesn't get up.]
I know...
[God, he's tired.]
What: After dealing reasonably well all things considered with a lifetime's worth of Issues for a month, Hijikata's been unexpectedly reminded of something pretty painful, and he's struggling to handle it. He's trying to sort himself out a little, but it's hard when you have, like, a fraction of a single coping skill on a good day.
When: May 13th and 14th
Where: Around the Near Shore (a riverbank in the Western suburbs of Tokyo, Kouenji temple in Kyoto, a bench in a public place of your choice in Kyoto); Hachiman's shrine on the Far Shore
Warnings: PTSD, survivor's guilt, regular guilt, intense grieving, graphically violent memories, memories of death, memories of suicide, smoking, depressive behavior, grown men who really need hugs, profanity. Full-blown nervous breakdown happening by the third prompt, but he's not in a good place mentally in any of the prompts. (He's slightly better off in the second one, though, and it's a little more open for silly things to come of it?)
[I. - I took the Cannonball down to the ocean - By the Tama river, western suburbs of Tokyo, May 13th, afternoon - OPEN]
[He's here.]
[It isn't as if Hijikata didn't know it was possible for his old comrades to show up. It isn't as if he hasn't thought about it, thought about every last one of them...]
[Out of all of them, he finds himself thinking, wincing immediately with guilt at the thought, why Sannan?]
[(He'd been so determined to die, isn't it a little cruel to make him live again?)]
[(How is Hijikata supposed to look him in the eye, of all people?)]
[He can't stay in his shrine. Staying there means Souji will know something's wrong with him, means he'll have to find ways around explaining. No, he needs to get out, needs to keep some space between them until he can be calm...]
[So he goes to the Near Shore, once Yamanami's shinki is gone. And since there's no hope, not really, of taking his mind off this, he takes it a step further -- he goes to Hino, to the banks of the Tama River...]
[To the streams and fields of the place where he was born.]
[He can't find the exact spot he's feeling drawn to. He's sure that old stand of bamboo is gone, and the fields it overlooked are too changed to recognize. Perhaps even the little hill it stood on has been bulldozed smooth to make way for some shop or other, after so long.]
[Instead, he wanders up and down the banks of the river for hours, smoking one cigarette after another until he's completely out of them. He doesn't seem to completely notice his surroundings, and might even stumble into oncoming pedestrians, with a slightly delayed, detached-sounding apology.]
[II. - 50 million feet of earth between the buried and me - Dawn, May 14th, Kouenji Temple, Kyoto - OPEN]
[When the night passes and he still hasn't found any peace, he lets his inner urge for self-punishment drive him a step further, further than he's dared to go in this last month:]
[He goes to Kyoto.]
[The buildings in the center of town are taller, shinier, all glass and metal and lights -- but the shape of the streets, unlike Tokyo's, is largely unchanged. It's nearly as easy as it was in his hometown, to let his feet bear him without conscious thought.]
[The gates to all of the temples are closed, at this hour. So are most if not all of the flower shops in town. But, well... that doesn't matter so much, does it, when no one can see him? He buys incense at a convenience store, and fills his arms with flowers from the outer gardens in the houses he passes.]
[Getting over the temple walls with an armful of flowers is... something more of a challenge.]
[Once he's over, he starts to feel a little silly. It's odd, isn't it, to visit the grave of someone who isn't dead anymore? Especially since he couldn't bring himself to visit it when he was still living in Kyoto...]
[But he continues, all the same -- past the room where the one old monk who tends the place is sleeping, around the main temple building, out to the back lot. There's a camellia tree nearby, and... there it is.]
[Hijikata lays the flowers all around the base of Yamanami's gravestone, sets a stick of incense to burn, then kneels down, bowing until his forehead touches the ground.]
...I'm sorry. I never listened to you enough, and...
I'm sorry.
[He stays there a little while, the light of morning beginning to spread around him, until finally he feels like he ought to leave. He goes back to the front of the building, clambers up to the top of the wall -- and pauses there a little awkwardly, as he realizes there's someone on the other side of it.]
[Well. Well, they're probably human, right? It's not as they're someone who's going to notice a tall, scowling man in a slightly rumpled but impeccably stylish suit looking very much like he's trying to sneak out after trespassing in a damn temple...]
[Right?]
[III - I watched the diesel disappear beneath the tumbling waves - Kyoto, anywhere, morning or afternoon of the 14th - OPEN]
[It felt a little better, after he visited the grave. Not better, but maybe nothing a little more walking around the city couldn't help.]
[And then, a few hours later, it hits him like a freight train all over again.]
[It starts with Sannan, of course. It starts with how did I let it end up like that, with the sick sensation of blood clinging to his skin, with his heart dropping down through the empty, gnawing pit of his stomach, with I trusted him and this can't be right and how could he do this to Souji? all clamoring for space in his head.]
[As he finds somewhere to sit down -- a park bench, a corner, somewhere, he doesn't even know or care at this point -- it keeps going from there, passing through all his memories and mercilessly dredging up the worst of his regrets from the bottom of the lake where they'd settled.]
[Kondou's dead. You failed him, you failed him, you couldn't keep him safe--]
[--should have done more to stop Itou from the beginning, you knew, you knew he was trouble and you let him walk away--]
[--just walked away and let him die alone, he loved you, he never loved anything in the world like he loved you and what makes you think you deserve for him to love you again when you turned your back on him and for what, for a cause you knew was lost--]
[--talk about honor as if it's ever meant anything to you, as if your hands aren't dirtier than anyone's and what did it achieve in the end, who did it protect--]
[--how many men died so you could prove yourself--]
[--Toudou wouldn't have died like that if he hadn't left, wouldn't have left if you'd just--]
[--was going to be a doctor, he was going to use that mind of his for something good, and you took that from him, you took--]
[--sons of bitches called him a traitor, fucking Kondou, a traitor, the goddamn nerve of the bastards, the nerve of them killing him like a common criminal after all he'd done for his country, the nerve of them taking away my best friend, my best friend, my brother--]
[--They trusted you. All of them put so much faith in you, and look where it got them.]
[He folds over on himself like he's been punched in the gut, hiding his face in one large hand, shaking as he tries to hold everything in. It will pass, it will pass, it always passes...]
[IV - Hold on to me, darlin', I got no place to go - Hachiman's Shrine, night of the 14th, CLOSED to Souji]
[He can't stay out another night. Souji's going to be frantic, if he does.]
[He can't stay still, either, so soon after coming home in the afternoon, he goes out to the dojo, picks up one of his heavily-weighted practice swords, and shuts off his thoughts as completely as possible.]
[The sun goes down. He stops, lights a lamp or two, and starts again.]
[It's hours past midnight by the time he misses a step in one of his kata, falls, and just can't find the will to get up again.]
[They trusted you, his mind whispers as soon as it has the opening, cold and vicious. They all deserved better. Sannan deserved better...]
[He closes his eyes, curls his fist against the tatami mats, grits his teeth, and doesn't get up.]
I know...
[God, he's tired.]
no subject
You don't always have to see things the same way but can still be happy to know someone.
[It's a bold statement and Sora can be rather naive. But he thinks the best in people first. But he knows people aren't perfect. If Hijikata is here to visit his friend... There must have been some happiness in there, however brief.]
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[He just... didn't think he'd take proving his point quite so far.]
[He should never have put so much pressure on him.]
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I think... If you told him what you wanted to say to him right now, he'd hear you.
[The thing about being gods is that souls were plausible things for them. Would Hijikata's friend hear? He likes to think so.]
no subject
Not from here. He's back on the Far Shore.
[He sighs, tapping at his pocket only to remember that he's out of smokes already. No relief for him there, then.]
...With his shinki.
no subject
And for that Sora's gonna go wide eyed and shove at Hijikata and shake him.]
He's here?! Well why don't you tell him to his face?!
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He won't want to see me. He didn't want to see me before I got him killed.
no subject
[Sora stares with a puzzled expression. He almost doesn't believe it. He then lets go of Hijikata to cross his arms.]
Well then you really need to talk to him about how you feel and say sorry and make up. As soon as possible.
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[He didn't want Yamanami to be hurt, but it's still his fault.]
[He's the one who forged Souji into a weapon long before he was a shinki. He's the one who made him feel like he was disposable, and who refused to let him step back from the leadership of a group that he couldn't agree with the direction of anymore, and who kept pushing him to join the fight again when his conscience was already too guilty. He's the one who asked Yamanami to be his conscience and hold him back, then refused to be held, making him feel responsible for Hijikata's sins on top of his own.]
[Even if he never drew a sword that day, he's the one responsible.]
I don't know that "sorry" is going to fix much.
no subject
Sorry is the first step you can take though. Being here... I like to think of it as a second chance. We're all here for a reason and whatever happened in our home worlds is in the past. Now we're all here and we have that second chance to say things to people we might not have gotten a chance to say things to before. It might be painful and it might not work out, but at least you have that chance to say you're sorry and at least try. To take that step to fixing things. Don't you think? You can't be afraid of a second chance.
no subject
[He sighs, his shoulders sagging as if carrying his own weight is just a little bit more than he can handle.]
Maybe the best thing I can do for him is to stay away, if he wanted to get away from me that badly in the first place. I don't want to force myself into his space just because I'd feel better if I apologized, if it's going to hurt him more.
no subject
People make mistakes. Mistakes can be forgiven. You're being pretty hard on yourself. Maybe let him talk first? Give him the option to, and listen. But staying away isn't going to fix anything.
no subject
"Mistakes" are one thing. It's a little more than a "mistake", if the last thing he remembers before he comes here is going to be dying at my feet with S--
[No. No talking about Souji. It's dangerous, even if Sora's not going to talk.]
--with a sword in his back.
no subject
I don't know you that well yet, Hijikata... But if you're feeling this sad and regretful right now because of all that happened... I think you're a good person. I think you'll be able to make things right. Eventually. I really believe in that.
[He might not have been able to convince Hijikata to pursue fixing things with his old friend right now but heck is he gonna still try and make him feel better.]
no subject
...Don't know why people keep thinking that about me.
[He doesn't know what good anyone's ever seen in him, sometimes.]
no subject
Must be because it's true, you big dummy. And if you can't love yourself right now it's up to others to love you until you can.
[Tug.]
no subject
[Hijikata freezes up, but not in panic this time -- just sort of awkwardly, as if he's not quite sure how to respond to what he's hearing.]
[But it's not new, not really. He thinks about Souji, about his gentle hands and soothing voice and it isn't your fault!. He thinks about Ichimura, about the worried look that haunted his eyes whenever Hijikata didn't take enough care of himself -- which was more often than not, after Souji died. About the way the kid would cover him with a blanket when he worked himself to the point of collapse, and sit by him like a sentinel, making sure no one disturbed the little rest he did allow himself. About the weight of Kondou's broad, warm hand on his shoulder -- when they were kids, in the aftermath of the Ikedaya, on the day Sannan died, on the night he found out about Souji's sickness...]
[There have always been people looking after him -- loving him, in their different ways.]
[He's sure he doesn't deserve it, but it somehow feels disrespectful to keep saying so, to keep contradicting the people who've been good enough to care for him all this time.]
...You would have gotten along with some of my other friends. They were good at that.
no subject
And that he'd be okay with time.
He can't be too sure if those friends are here or not so Sora decides he'd try to do what he could too.]
It's nice to have friends like that, huh? [Sora then moves to hop off the wall.] And speaking of friends, I'm pretty sure I should be telling you to get your butt home and rest.
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[He'll have to eventually -- hell, he'll have to before too long -- and he'll manage it when he does have to, but...]
I can't talk to my shinki about this. Don't want to worry him, if I can't tell him why.
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Hmm. That's true but you're gonna have to go home eventually unless you wanna sleep on that wall.
[Sora tilts his head, thinking.] And if you stay out too long will they worry too? Might as well bite the bullet and just do your best to rest and relax when you get there. Maybe pick up some good food to eat on the way back.
no subject
Slept on the Near Shore last night.
[To the extent that he slept at all.]
It's just that if I come back before I've calmed down, I'll have to explain why I'm upset, and I can't.
[He sighs.]
The Secret's a pain in the ass, sometimes.
[A lot of the time. Every damn day.]
no subject
That can't be good for your back.
[Sora folds his arms behind his head and looks up to the sky before back to his friend.]
Okay, so calming down before you go home and tuck in bed! What kind of stuff do you like to do? Go for a walk? Get a bowl of soup? Spar? Cuddle a cat?
Sorry I got so far behind on RP! No pressure to continue if it's been too long
Walking helps sometimes. Smoking. Drinking.
[Sex, but even he's not going to bring that up around Sora. Being close with Souji more generally, but that's not an option.]
Writing, but I doubt I'd be able to right now.
Came here to try and face the problem, not sure yet if it helped or made it worse.
Sparring doesn't help. I take it too seriously.
no subject
Out of the list he's given, it looks like there's only one thing Sora can offer to tag along for.]
Walking around it is, come on, let's go. Tell me more about the stuff you like to write.